Bachelorette Desiree - Episode Six: Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Soaking

Sorry for the late post! Vacation set us back. Episode 8 will be posted tomorrow so check back!



Hola Barcelona! This episode better have some solid QT with mi amor Juan Pablo.

We start with the guys enjoying some cervezas outside when Chris Harrison shows up wearing what I believe is a moss green corduroy or possibly velvet blazer with a date card for gayface Drew. He also makes sure to dramatically announce that once again there will not be a cocktail party this week. Stop acting like that’s a surprise! This is the third week in a row where there hasn’t been a cocktail party - apparently Des has something again cocktails? If I were the bachelorette my main focus would be implementing more cocktails in the mix, not cutting them out completely. God, she is the opposite of fun.

Drew’s Date

If I could plan Drew’s dream date it would be getting facials then shopping for tank tops and matching shorts. But unfortunately his dreams don’t come true and he has to wander aimlessly around Barcelona with Des, who has a vagina and no interest in luxury spas or designers. This must be his nightmare.

Drew starts by forcing himself to make out with Des and it reminds me exactly of the time I made out with my openly gay friend in college. It was quick and we uncontrollably giggled after, and thats pretty much exactly what happens here with Drew and Des too.

Drew and Des get tapas where he tells her that his dad was an alcoholic and he cries. Can you not get on this show without some sort of childhood trauma? Is that a requirement? Oh god his dad has cancer too. I’m an asshole.

Ok, am I being nitpicky or has anyone else noticed the shitty quality of Des’ clothes? I wasn’t going to say anything about that cardigan she was wearing at the beginning of the episode that looks like it came from Big Lots, but now the tank top she has on is clearly falling apart. Poor Drew must be dying to get her a new one with some matching shorts. But seriously, I know they get a ton of money for clothes for this show so someone please explain to me where the fuck that money went? CH’s gambling debts? Neil Lane? Both?

Anyways, they continue their shitty date by walking around more and Des tells us that Barcelona brings out her artistic romantic side. Ugh I bet she already has her next button collage planned. She can call it “JP’s Mom in Barcelona.”

Next they move onto dinner where Drew says that his emotions are running crazy so he steals her to “get away from the cameras” and go make out in an alley. Keep in mind we are watching the whole thing so the cameras are there so I’m not really sure what the fucking point of that gross makeout was.

Back at the hotel it’s group date card time! It’s for everyone except Zak. Are you fucking kidding me? Why is Juan Pablo not getting a solo date? They are in Spain for Christ’s sake! Side note - I just googled Juan Pablo and not only does he have a daughter, he was born in Ithaca and is Venezuelan. I am just going to keep pretending that he is a childless Spaniard. The one fact about him that actually does align with my fantasy is that he was a pro soccer player. Hot hot hot. Then we find out that their group date is going to be playing soccer so maybe Des does actually know what she’s doing...    

Back on the world’s most sexually confused date Desiree tells Drew all of his good qualities that incidentally also describe a housecat. She gives him a rose and then Drew puts on his gossip shoes and tattles on James for saying that if he makes it in the top 4 he is possibly going to be the next Bachelor. What, are they not allowed to say that? Why do you think these people go on this show, to find love? Fuck that - they want to be the next bachelor and hit the fantasy suite with a bunch of other hot famewhores. But Des is pissed and this whole thing is retarded.

Group Date

Juan Pablo day has arrived! The men pull up to the soccer field and Brooks immediately makes a weird joke about Des wearing workout lingerie and then laughs really creepily. What the fuck is he talking about? I hope he gets nailed in the balls.

What is with Michael and the headbands?? He is constantly wrapping a piece of cloth around his head like he’s Khloe Kardashian. Does he think they’re cool because he got them at Bloomingdales visiting his dad in NYC? Does he hide his insulin shots in them? Am I making too many Stacy McGill references?

Juan Pablo warming up on the field makes me need alone time. I am actually creeping myself ogling him on my tv. Que es un hombre guapo.

Look at those arms. That profile. The disgusted way
he is looking at Des. He's perfect!

So Des announces that the men are going to play against her and her own team which the guys all assume will be professionals. They are right - but the surprise is that they are a women’s professional team. The reaction from the men when they see the girls’ team sets the feminist movement back about 40 years. Kasey is laughing wicked hard and everyone keeps making really annoying comments about how embarrassing it would be to get beat by a girl. So of course the girls team beats the guys by a landslide despite Juan Pablo’s best efforts. And James’ lack of effort as a goalie. Was that for real? He literally didn’t move and was scared of the ball. Should have had Drew as the goalie - he loves grabbing balls.

I’m over it. On to the drinking portion of this date. They go to a cocktail hour in a cool building and James is very sweaty. Kasey aka Old Zack Efron spends his time plotting how he is going to confront James about wanting to be the Bachelor. Kasey is such a pussy.

Des has some alone time with Chris and starts by telling him that he’s very athletic and could be good at any activity she told him to do. This is a great compliment and also 150% not true. Chris sucks at everything, especially poetry. Oh no...the poetry won’t stop! The tables have turned and Des has written a poem for Chris now. I’m so embarrassed I can’t even write about this. I will say that Des is not good at reading out loud which makes it even harder to watch.

Old Zack Efron, Stacy McGill, and Poetry Chris sit James down to talk about his realistic viewpoints on life going on after being on this show. This is seriously all about James saying “If I am in the final four this puts me in a very good position to be the next Bachelor.” And also talking about meeting girls in Chicago and taking them to “intimate settings.” Kasey describes this as “shocking.”

Brooks talks to Des about how much he wants to “soak her up” and tells her to not worry if she catches him staring at her, because hes just soaking. Oh my god. Shoot me in the fucking face.

Back at the The View, James denies saying anything about being the next Bachelor and tells Michael its ridiculous that he even has an opinion since he hasn't been on a 1 on 1 date. That’s actually a good point, settle down Stacy. Michael reacts by accusing James of only talking that way when the cameras weren't on and James fires back with “Yea, when you jacked off last night you made sure the cameras weren't on too.” Best. Comeback. Ever. Michael looks guilty, and James looks like he actually knows that Stacy jacked off last night. HAHAHAHAHA.

Kasey sits down with Des and reiterates the whole James story, so Des decides to have all the guys leave while she stays to talk to James. A ridiculous conversation happens between Des and James that involves James blaming everything on Mikey and both parties crying. After all that crying all that ends up happening is Des says she needs the night to think about it and James goes back to the house. So stupid. Dumbest fight in Bachelor history.

Back at the house the guys are all filling Drew in on the dramz with James and Des. These guys act more like girls than girls do. Drew listens to everything then asks very seriously if they think James will turn violent. Well, we can only hope. If he does Brooks is the first in the hospital in a coma from a hangnail.

Zak’s Date

Des is waiting for Zak by sitting and sketching. God, they always have to remind us that she’s an “artist.”  

Their date is to go to an art class and Zak no joke draws Des with poop smears all over her face. I feel like he did that on purpose and it’s hilarious. I laughed out loud. Whoa, do I like Zak? Side note - Des’ drawing sucks.

If the mouth was more kid-like I'd say that's pretty accurate.

Suddenly a “model” that looks a lot like the gay son from Wedding Crashers walks in and poses in the buff. WHY couldn’t this have happened on the date with Drew? This is the best bachelorette date so far. So many great things are happening. Next Zak comes out to pose for Des and no one thinks he is actually going to pose nude and he doesn’t - he has tighty whities on (barf) and a tiny blurred out spot. Tiny. But at least he’s fun!

They go to dinner in a really cool basement. Theres tons of wine down there and Zak says that’s why he likes it and omg I think he might be my soulmate. They have a good conversation and I’m liking it until we find out Zak is a slow kisser and also talks during making out. Those things make me sick.

Des gives him a rose. Zak is a dark horse in this competition, I actually think he might win. I bet it will come down to Zak and Chris, which is INSANE but whatever. This season is a joke.

Back at the hotel...

James comes to talk alone with Drew and Drew is shaking in his boots.  I’m not even listening - this is all just stuff we have heard before and its getting old. Also, it doesn't make sense...why do these guys all want the other guys to be in love with Des? Doesn't that just up the competition? And it’s not like Drew or James would ever marry Des anyways - James because he wants groupies and Drew because she doesn’t have a penis.

Michael calls James toxic, evil, and sinister. So basically wanting to be the Bachelor makes you a Disney villian.

Des decides to kick James off and meets with him to talk. James talks like a politician (young Chris Christie!) and tells Des that he's there to fall in love with her and thinks she’s a beautiful person. Des says she thinks he's sincere and then she cries again and decides to keep him until the rose ceremony! I can’t with this storyline any longer. Kick him off or keep him, but lets get on with it either way.

Also, James has serious boob sweat.

Rose Ceremony

3 people are going home! This is big. The roses go to...

Chris - poetry slam

Brooks - pussy

Michael - Stacy McGill??!!?!

What? NOOOOO. What the fuck? Juan Pablo is going home? Are you kidding me? I seriously am not watching this bullshit anymore. Juan Pablo cries and my heart is seriously broken! I HATE YOU DES you heartless whore. Maldita perra tonta ¿cómo pudiste hacer eso a mi hermosa Juan Pablo i nunca olvidaré este te odio!

Oh yeah, James goes home too. Who cares. See ya on the Jersey Shore.

In even less exciting news, Kasey goes home as well. If they make “17 Again: Part 2” he might have somewhat of a career. Otherwise, see ya on Bachelor Pad OZE.

Next week they go to the island of Madeira in Portugal which I will not be watching because I officially give up on this shit-tastic season.

Just kidding. Maybe.