Bachelor Pad Finale: Two Winners One Cup...I Mean Check

Well friends, we have finally come to the finale of the television masterpiece, Bachelor Pad 3.  My feelings are mixed - I will miss the feeling of maturity and accomplishment I get at 10pm Monday nights, but if I have to see Jaclyn’s face one more time or make another STD joke I might die of alcohol poisoning.  So it is with bittersweet emotions that we take in these last two hours of inbreds, drunks, magicians, and Hooters employees.  Lets get started!

Everyone from this season is back and sitting together on stage.  Wow I completely forgot about SWAD!  Woah and Reid.  And Paige.  And Ryan.

Jamie looks like she just came from starring as an extra in the 1970’s porn version of Cleopatra.  She is wearing a diamond headdress, huge earrings, and has gems actually glued to her face.  What was she wearing before she applied the old “take one thing off before you leave the house” rule?  A venetian mask?

Now I understand how Claire's stays in business.

 
I am disappointed in how much of the time is being used for recap clips.  We all saw all this already!  I want to hear about what's going on with Kalon and Lindzi!  And Michael and Rachel!  And if Ed and Jaclyn have broken their rule and had sexual relations outside the boundaries of the Bachelor Pad house!  What I don’t need is to see Tony crying again and Blakely telling the world if she doesn’t get a rose she’s going to be “an emotional banana sandwich”.  

Speaking of Ed, I have a confession to make.  I am totally obsessed with him.  I think he’s hot and funny and cool.  I have made fun of him so much because I have been ashamed, but its time I admitted the truth: I would date Ed.  I really would.  It feels good to get that off my chest.

Every move you make...every shot you take...I'll be loving you

Moving on.

Chris Harrison says that Kalon and Lindzi have “a beautiful relationship”.  Truer words have never been spoken, and I thank you Chris Harrison for your eloquence. But then Erica comes along and trashes up this special moment by saying she has seen Kalon around the “Houston social scene” holding hands with other girls.  Kalon says they are just friends but you can tell by Lindzi’s face that this is not good news.  Ugh, Erica shits on everything. Literally.

Next they move onto Michael, who is displaying some seeeerious GT’s throughout this entire episode. Lots of talking like a girl and hand motions. Then they show a clip I don’t remember of Michael telling Erica that he can’t see himself dating Rachel after the show is over.  Whaaaaa?!  Apparently after the show Michael stopped talking to Rachel and totally dissed her!  Not cool, Stagliano.  I thought making a sex bed on the floor next to an acoustic guitar meant forever, and apparently so did Rachel Two Chins, who Jaclyn tells us is devastated.  God, Rachel cried for days when she thought she would be back together with Michael in a couple weeks, can you imagine how distraught she must have been after he completely ignored her? Its like she had to deal with his death all over again! I wonder if she is going to come to this reunion in a black veil.  I bet Jamie has one in her car she can borrow.

Now its Jaclyn’s turn in the hot seat.  I am so happy this is the last I will be seeing of her face for at the very least a few months and at the very best the rest of my life.  Ironically they don’t ask her about what’s been happening with her and Ed...WTF producers why would you skip that? Instead they focus on how Jaclyn thought she was going to win the competition?  Everyone says that!  This is a waste of my time.  The only interesting thing that happens is Jaclyn says that she was the puppet master of the house and a dark cloud forms over Chris Harrison’s face.

Next its Blakely’s turn to be asked the tough questions.  She is sporting a brand new arm sleeve tattoo while saying that she came on Bachelor Pad to get her life back on track and to be able to afford cable.  That is truly the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life.  Then she says that her and Tony are very much still together, and that he is “honest, very loyal, genuine, precautious, less assertive and aggressive, and domesticated.”  So basically she is dating a housecat.

Out of nowhere Jamie and Blakely get into a fight.  That’s...random.  Why does Blakely hate Jamie?  Being mad at Jamie is like being mad at a canteloup. Which actually sometimes I do get mad at because that shit fucks up fruit salad every single time. Goddamn filler fruit.  Anyways, Jamie and Blakely are yelling at each other and I’m feeling kind of bad for Jamie until she suddenly is wicked mean to poor Virgin Ryan!  Wtf? What did he ever do to you besides be the best gay husband ever and make you a cake and put candy in your bed on your birthday?  I’m on Blakely’s side now because Jamie, you’re an asshole and I’m glad Inbred played your over-accessorised ass.  Skank.

So now we have moved on to Blakely talking about how great Tony is again, and Tony keeps being wicked creepy and looking at the camera while close-lipped smiling and nodding.  Quit it, Tony!  Stop staring at me with your gorgeous lashes!  They have a big announcement to make and I am assuming they are engaged, but then its just that they are moving in together.  BORING.  Oh wait...Tony is giving Blakely a speech...he’s reaching into his coat pocket...he gets down on one knee...Jesus H Christ.  This too soon proposal is brought to you by Neil Lane.

Is that nipple tape I'm seeing?

 
Jaclyn has a very hairy face and Ed is dressed like he owns a funeral parlor.  A sexy funeral parlor.  And I would just like to note that Ed has not spoken once this entire show.  I finally admit my love for him and they give me nothing.

Finally they bring out the final four!  Sarah’s face looks...not good.  It looks like she aged 20 years then got a facelift and botox to get back to her early 40’s.  She’s being all kissy with Inbred and its gross.

Rachel however looks slammin, which I’m happy about since Michael is right there.  She immediately opens with saying there is relationship stuff that needs to be discussed. I love that she’s letting us all watch this! I am hoping she tells Michael she is dating someone new and that he can suck it, but of course the exact opposite happens and these words come out of her mouth: “You were really into me and I’m not making that up in my head.”  Nice one Rach, guys love to be told how much they like you and its an extra bonus when you add in that you’re totally not crazy.  Smooth.  Tiny Tim Stagliano will be putty in your hands by the end of this night.

So then it comes out that Michael’s big excuse for not wanting to date Rachel was that he didn’t want to do long distance, which would be reasonable except for the fact that he is now long-distance dating someone in Chicago. So I guess that means he quit the Olive Garden and is now picking up shifts at Uno’s.  

Chris Harrison finally decides to acknowledge Nick’s presence, and says he is talking to him just to prove he is on the show.  Haha.  Nick looks especially muppet-like tonight and has absolutely nothing to say.

Excuse me, why are there 12 year old girls in this audience?  Get them out of there before they get the herp!

Yay time to rip into Inbred Chris!  Jafar says that the whole Blakely/Jamie thing was tough for him because his family now hates him.  His dad just doesn't understand how a product of him and his own sister could breed such evil.  Wow, even apologising Chris manages to be a massive toolbag, taking the Ben’s Courtney route and saying that “the game got ahold of him” and basically not admitting that he’s just an asshole.  But then Jamie all of a sudden grows a spine and delivers a pretty good insult by telling him that its good Emily didn’t pick him because he wouldn’t be a good father for Ricky! Which is true. You can’t have creepy inbred anger like that and raise a 5 year old.

Finally it's Voting Time!!!!  Each person that was voted off and not in the final four gets to choose which couple they want to win the money.  The outcome of this is obvious so I’m going to skip the drama and tell you that Rachel and Nick win.  Some stand-out mentions go to Michael for choosing Rachel and Nick, Kalon choosing Chris and Sarah just to be a dick, and Jaclyn voting for Rachel and Nick even though her and Rachel are on shaky ground.  Aww.

Now for the good stuff.  So basically Rachel and Nick have to choose to Keep or Share the money.  If they both pick share, they split it.  If one picks Keep and the other picks Share, the one that picks Keep gets to keep it.  If they both choose Keep then they don't get any of the money and its gets divided evenly between all the past contestants.

Rachel and Nick go to separate rooms to cast their votes and are taking their sweet ass time.  How long do they get in there?! Pick a fucking sign already you’ve had like weeks to think about this exact scenario!  I bet Chris Harrison is hoping they both pick keep so that ABC can keep the money and pay their outstanding debt with Neil Lane.

Finally they come out and Rachel goes first saying she totally trusts Nick and that they formed an awesome friendship, even though she was a widow and he was a deaf mute.  Sounds like a Hallmark Original.  She obviously picks Share.

Uh oh...its Nick’s turn and he’s got a crazy look in his eye and starts going off about how he is an outsider and I am kind of afraid of him. He clearly has some serious issues.  He keeps going on about how Rachel was only his partner because she was forced to be and no one was ever on his side...and OH MY GOD HE KEEPS THE MONEY!!!

Get your wrinkled penis face off my TV Nick

Even Chris Harrison is speechless!  Nick is flipping out and completely losing his mind.  He is running all around the stage and getting into people’s faces while yelling and waving his hands like a crazy motivational speaker.  Rachel is just sitting there looking very upset and I feel really bad for her - not only is she no longer getting the Stagliano Tour of Italy because he is serving up his deep dish hot to some skank in the windy city, she just got duped by the biggest idiot in the house.  Finally they let her speak and she is predictably LIVID.  She just keeps asking Nick why he would do this and calling him pathetic while he shakes his head and laughs, which, it should be noted, the audience is LOVING. What is this, the Hunger Games?  They are out for blood and loving every single one of Rachel’s tears. The more of a dick Nick is and the more she cries the more they cheer!

Kalon of course feels the need to relate to Nick. Give it a rest. You’re a dick who likes other dicks, we get it.

We are at the end and not much else happens besides Rachel running after Nick and getting zero satisfaction before he heads off in a limo to the Bachelor Bank to collect his Monopoly money.  I hope he uses his cash to get plastic surgery that makes his head look less like an actual penis with a rash.  He continues to be smug and annoying in the limo camera but does leave us with these parting words of wisdom:

“BP3, anything goes.”  Say it again, sista.



Closing thoughts: I wonder if Tony ever comes across our blog when he googles “Blakely Donkey Punch” because you KNOW he has thought about it and not shockingly, that’s how most people find our site. So I say to all of you Blakely donkey punch fans (especially you Tony) joining us a little late, welcome to our blog and we will see you next time for Bachelor Rehab recaps starring Ed! Just kidding, we will see you all when we recap me and Ed’s Niel Lane wedding special!  Just kidding, see you all for The Bachelor!

Can’t wait!

xoxo,
BK Lounge

Bachelor Pad Episode Seven: The Night Geezers

Aloha!  We are finally down to the final four couples and at the end of this night there will only be two left.  They are all truly awful people and I would be upset about any of them coming in to $250k, so I’m not really sure why I’m watching this but here we go.

I didn’t think it was possible to have rosacea of the cheeks and eyes Nick.  He can’t believe he is still on the show and frankly I can’t believe it either.  I guess not speaking for the first few weeks and only getting screen time when you made out with Fan Donna was actually a pretty good strategy.  

Inbred tells the cameras that this game is all about having a solid partnership with your partner, and he is completely serious like he has been practicing this tactic the whole time.  Just because Ed doesn’t remember you trying to get Blakely voted off when you were partners doesn't mean the rest of us were blacked out that night.  I mean I was 2 bottles of wine deep so its a little spotty, but I definitely remember something about that.

The Challenge

Chris Harrison greets the gang in some sort of subtle bondage shirt that has too many zippers on it. I’m on to you 50 Shades of Harrison. Anyways, Puppet Master drops the bomb that after this morning’s competition whoever wins gets to choose a couple to leave immediately, so they all have to pack up their shit. For some reason this requires all of the boys to be in tank tops. I’ll say it again - this season’s male cast has had an unhealthy obsession with tank tops.  Maybe it’s to show solidarity with Augusta GA Ryan.

When the cast walks out they see the pool area has been changed to a challenge called “Hanging by A Thread.” It looks like it was made from an Erector Set combined with sex swings.  The challenge is that one person answers Bachelor Pad trivia while the other person sits on the sex swing and gets a rope cut with every wrong answer.  After three ropes are cut they have to hang on a bar, and when they fall they’re out. 

Cirque de Syphilis

 
Tony says that he’s “gone through too much to be eliminated now” and of course he’s doing this for his son. Excuse me, what exactly have you “gone through” on this show that justifies making that statement? The hardest thing you had to do all season was bang Blakley in a trailer and let’s be honest, the majority of men in Florida have already done that.  

OMG I finally figured out who Ed looks like with his hair down!!!  This has been driving me crazy the entire season but it’s Cameron from Ferris Beuller!  Except Cameron is WAY COOLER than Ed.  Although, Alan Ruck was 29 when he played Cameron who was supposed to be in high school, so being really old in very young situations is something they have in common.

When Cameron came from Egypt land....let my Cameron...gooo

Moving on...this challenge sucks.  The questions are laaaaaaaame once again! And of course Blakely gets 90% of the questions wrong and within about 30 seconds Tony is hanging by his arms with no support.  

Sarah knows literally everything about past and present Bachelor Pads!  Chris Harrison direct quote: “Sarah, an unstoppable force, an incredible amount of knowledge...on Bachelor and Bachelor Pad.” Thanks for making sure we know she’s not full of knowledge about anything important.  I am more embarrassed for her than usual.  OMG - Chris and Sara win AGAIN. What the fuck is happening?! Insert black magic joke here.  

Ugh now Inbred and Smokers Cough get to vote someone off. Great - I would love nothing more than to watch these two idiots talk about how awesome they are and who they hate the most and should send home for the next 20 minutes. I want to drown myself in the Bachelor Pad pool. But I guess wine will have to do instead.

Oh god, Blakley is crying already. Pull it together. Her wiping her tears away makes me very glad that I stayed clear of the inner finger tattoo trend. On Rhianna: badass. On a regular person: trash-tastic.

Ummmm...what happened to Sarah’s face?  She has scabs all over her mouth and chin area.  I’m not making this up that's really there.  These STD jokes write themselves and that’s really gross.

So Blakely and Tony get a chance to kiss Chris and Sarah’s ass before they announce who they are going to send home which makes me cringe, but not as much as Tony professing how proud his son would be of him if he won the money.  Look son, remember when daddy abandoned you for 3 months and came home with a new stripper mommy? At least he has about $70k (after taxes and penis enlargement surgery) to show for it!  #1 Dad!

Chris makes a speech that you think is going to be nice but then he's just a huge douche yelling at everyone for not being on his side this entire competition.  He's holding a grudge against Ed for not voting for Blakely like 4 episodes ago!  And he hates Nick and Rachel!  Then he gets to Tony and says that he actually likes him, but then tells him he's being kicked off.  PURE. EVIL.  Predictably Blakely loses her shit and cries uncontrollably.  Not so predictably Ed cries too! Wtf? Maybe he's upset that he never got a chance to play hide the pickle with her.

Blakely and Tony go home in the same limo and talk about how no one needed the money as much as them, and she's right about that.  Girl doesn't even have cable and is forced to wax other people's vaginas all day!  And Tony has boarding school in Switzerland to pay for.  I notice that anytime they show Tony talking for more than 10 consecutive seconds I find myself involuntarily pouring more wine in my glass.  It’s an innate response now, he drives me to drink.

Back at the Pad...

Chris Harrison announces that the next competition is starting RIGHT NOW.  Wow, the producers must want this show wrapped as much as we do.

The gang heads to downtown Hollywood and ends up at some concert hall with some random band on stage.  I don’t know them, but I do know that Ed is wearing white flip flops and jeans right now.  Apparently this band is called Night Riders?  And they sing Sister Christian?  What is that?  Why is everyone so excited?! I have never heard this song in my life and I'm from Boston, the hub of holding on to crappy 80’s songs and playing them at all bars ALL THE TIME.  Way to keep it current, ABC.  What’s next week, touring with Hanson?

Ed is super pumped about Night Riders since he lost his virginity to Sister Christian back in 1984 and now they are on his “running mix”.  I’m pretty sure he uses a walkman and records all songs from the radio onto a cassette tape.

So the challenge will be that they have to sing their song as couples and the judges will be Night Riders themselves.  Wow these guys must be bankrupt or something. The couples will have a day to learn the song and to meet with vocal coaches.  One of them is from Glee and we are supposed to be impressed.  But we’re not because he’s the creepiest person ever and Glee is stupid.

Ed keeps busting out the elderly and its awesome!  He says he wants to do a creative move like the slide to establish some stage presence, and he says this completely seriously.  He is the Austin Powers of Bachelor Pad. Then he says he has his karaoke PhD and I develop a crush on him.  Looks like we have something in common old man.

Haha Inbred Chris is having a panic attack and I am loving every second of it.  He is taking his vocal lessons extremely seriously and its lol worthy.  I took a video for your viewing pleasure:

The Challenge

They all arrive at the concert hall in their best 80’s gear and there are a ton of girls in line to see this shit-tastic show. Once again, maybe something I would like to have tickets to...producers (wink wink).

The cast seems oddly sober for this. They are wasted for an obstacle course but laying off the sauce when it comes to public singing?!  That is ass backwards. Don’t get me wrong I would have no problem doing this challenge, but I would definitely be about 3 tequila shots deep at the very least.

First up is Nick and Rachel. Do I spy a tramp stamp?  They are both singing their best and are very bad but very, very entertaining. On a scale of 1 to 10 I give them a solid 3.  Ed agrees that they were pretty good and says that they sang well and rocked it, but docks them points for the choreography.  Haha, shut up Ed.

Speaking of the devil, Ed and Jaclyn are up next and for some reason Jaclyn is dressed like a slutty schoolgirl and Ed is dressed like Bea Arthur. Right off the bat they both forget ALL of the lyrics so Jaclyn just starts stripping off her clothes and the two of them end up just making out on the ground and basically having sex on stage. Keep in mind the song is apparently about a brother and sister. The Night Riders are clutching their pearls that Old Man River and Nic Cage dry humped on stage and also laughing like its the most crazy thing they’ve ever seen.  How can you be a rock band and still be shocked by Bachelor Pad antics?  What a bunch of nerds.

Doc Brown does Dallas

Side note - I just tried to google if the Night Riders were a Christian rock band, and thats where I learned that their name is the Night Rangers, not Night Riders.  Woops.  I’m too lazy to go back and change it and I like Night Riders better so its staying.  Night Riders forever.

Chris and Sarah are up last and you can just tell that backstage they handed Inbred an 80’s wig to wear and he refused because he thinks he’s wicked cool. I hate him.  His singing voice sucks and he sounds like Kasey Kahl.  For those of you who might not recognize that name, he is most known for being a Bachelor franchise regular and for guarding and protecting hearts.*  And his voice sounds like if Kermit was deaf.  Ohh Kasey, you are television gold and I miss you.  Anyways, Sarah seriously looks like she has a seizure when she’s dancing, and Chris looks like a mom chaperoning a Jr. High dance. I honestly don't even know what else to say about their performance except that I am horrified and have anxiety after watching it.

Time to pick a winner.  Night Rider tells Ed and Jaclyn they are the worst and pretty much says they are offended that they forgot all the words.  Poor Ed, it sucks to be told off by your favorite band, but it sucks even more to be told off by your favorite band while you’re wearing a silver sparkly jacket.  Next they totally call Sarah out on her terrible dancing - you just got yourself a new fan Night Rider!  AND they seal the deal by picking Rachel and Nick as the winners. That means that they also have the power to choose which couple is going to be in the finals. Yayyy bye Chris/Inbred/Jafar!

Back at the Brothel...

Inbred knows he’s probably going home and is hoping that his performance in the past challenges will prove to them that he should be there.  Um Chris, I don’t think anyone really cares about who deserves to be there.  I do think they are going to care about you giving them that speech about how you hate them yesterday, though.

Rachel and Nick are taking WAY TOO LONG to decide who is going to get saved and I wish that I could remind them that I have to get up very early tomorrow morning and don't have time for this dilly dallying.  Rachel and Jaclyn are best friends but Nick wants to keep Chris and Sarah because in past Bachelor Pads all the people that have been voted off come back for the final episode to vote on who should win. His thinking is that since Everybody Hates Chris, the past contestants would never vote for him to keep the money, and Rachel and Nick would have it in the bag.  Its actually a pretty good strategy and I am shocked that I agree with him.  Wow he really came out of nowhere after Stagliano left eh?

They just showed Chris and Sarah ripping shots in the kitchen and I like them for a fleeting moment.

Rose Ceremony

Not much to say here.  They vote to keep Chris and Sarah and Jaclyn’s face goes straight into ugly cry mode.  Its all very emotional and Rachel is sobbing like if Michael died again, and Ed and Jaclyn go off in separate limos.  I must admit I will miss that drunk geriatric and his homely sidekick.  But....

Next week is the reunion episode!  I am SO EXCITED.  We will see Kalon again!!  Michael talks about marrying Rachel!  Jamie is wearing a crazy headband!  Its going to be amazing...see you then!






*Did you know that Kasey has his own nonprofit organization called "Guard and Protect Hearts"?? If you don't think that's the funniest thing in the world then I don't think we can be friends.