Apparently tonight we are in for the most awkward kiss in Bachelor history! Obviously this voiceover man (Chris Harrison is that you?) didn’t watch Sean’s grandma kissing season.
CH shows up to the mansion sporting the colorblocking trend that must have still been trendy when this episode taped. Is Structure sponsoring this episode or something? Not a fan Puppet Master, you can do better and you know it.
Acrylic French Tips Cassandra gets the first date card. Boooo. She decides to impress Juan Pablo by wearing the worst romper I have ever seen. It’s red and looks like a slutty prison jumpsuit where the punishment for her crime is cameltoe.
Their date starts by driving around in a ridiculous looking jeep that chitty chitty bang bangs itself into a boat. My stars! I’m not that impressed but Cassandra acts like it’s the most amazing thing she’s seen since Lamar Odom’s penis.
Back at the house…
The other mom, Renee, and Elise, the melting barbie, are chatting and we hear another super creepy dead parent story. Apparently Elise’s mom wrote a letter for her to be on the Bachelor before she died of Melanoma. Talk about having single-girl guilt! Now it’s up to Elise to live out her mother’s dying wish to watch her daughter, along with 15 other girls, get sloppy drunk and make out with the same dude on network television.
Back on the date…
The boat-car pulls up to a yacht. Now we’re talking! But they go on it for like 5 seconds pretty much just so they can jump off it. Lame. Be careful Cassandra, you could break a nail doing that.
Is anyone else noticing the especially terrible background music this episode? It sounds like one of the producers has a cousin who is trying to make it in the music industry and this is their big break. No me gusta.
Juan Pablo and Cassandra head to his house to make dinner and start dancing in the kitchen and I am so embarrassed I can’t watch. But he seems into her and ends up giving her the rose. Cassandra says she hasn’t been this excited in 3 years, which...let’s think about that. She has a 2 year old son, so...Wrap it up JP, this girl is obviously super fertile.
There are like 15 girls on this date and I have no idea who half of them are.
Ugh it’s another sporty date! I hate those. But at least it’s soccer so we get to see JP strut his stuff.
He makes the ladies run soccer drills and it’s super embarrassing. I thought the neon lights 5k was my worst nightmare date until I saw this bullshit. Another reason JP would hate me: while they are playing soccer, I am eating nachos.
Kelly the dog lover is afraid of breaking her nose. She only likes to do that on purpose at her plastic surgeon’s, not on a soccer field.
The girls split into teams and play a boring scrimmage. When are the producers going to realize that the demographic for the Bachelor is not the demographic for sports? The last thing I want to do is watch a bunch of unskilled people play soccer for 20 fucking minutes. But I did enjoy watching Sharleen aka Pocahontas get kicked in the face, so at least there was that.
Back at the house we learn that Cassandra is one of those people that benefits immensely from good lighting. Daytime = haggard.
Now it’s time for the portion of the date when the girls change into dresses and take turns making out with Juan Pablo. Andi makes out with him on the counter in the kitchen while Sharleen grossly tongues him on a blanket in the field. It’s like slutty Clue. Next episode Kat is going to give him a handjob in the conservatory.
I am becoming more and more sure JP doesn’t drink. Between that and his anti gay comments this week I am basically not attracted to him anymore. That will last until he takes his shirt off again. Sorry I’m not sorry.
Juan Pablo then gives the rose to pediatric nurse Nikki which is an upset considering he didn’t make out with her. I guess it was because she told him she was afraid of getting hurt? If you ask me that was a bad move on Juan Pablo’s part - now he’s sending the message that if you don’t french him you will get a rose. Prudes unite!
Chelsie the “Science Educator” has the next one on one date and Elise is HATIN’ on her. She keeps saying that Chelsie is too much of a “little girl” for Juan Pablo. Come on Elise, age is just a number, JP doesn’t discriminate! Unless you’re gay, of course.
Juan Pablo picks Chelsie up and makes her listen to Venezuelan music in the car which I personally would find very annoying. I hate nothing more that music I don’t already know. To make matters worse JP sings along and it’s the least attracted to him I have been this whole season. You have a terrible voice Juan - don’t quit your day job that isn’t really a job.
They pull up to a Venezuelan restaurant and this is more my kind of date. That food looks amazing and I want it all right now, especially that fried thing with the melted cheese in the middle.
Chelsea always looks like she’s drunk. Me too - but that’s because I am actually drunk.
You know what’s a great thing to do after you’ve eaten your weight in fried cheese? Bungee jumping off a bridge! At least it’s a good way to get all that greasy food out of you as you throw up and shit yourself at the same time.
I thought with the end of Sean’s season we had seen the last of the possible death dates, but I guess I was wrong. There is absolutely no way I would jump off this bridge no matter how hot the guy that wanted me to do it was. Cheslie clearly doesn’t want to do it either and is whining/crying about it. I don’t blame her but just put your foot down, get off this bridge and go get a drink - stop debating and making this show 2 goddamn hours.
She finally says she doesn’t want to do it and Juan Pablo says “do it for me.” Go fuck yourself Juan Pablo.
Ugh in the end they finally jump and it looks just as terrible as I imagined it. Then they make out hanging upside down like bats, which also looks terrible. Chelsie thinks the whole thing was amazing though, and says “the epitome of building a relationship is free falling together.” Um, not really. Then she says that if you jump off a bridge together you can get through anything. I'm pretty sure when you find out Juan Pablo is a homophobe in a few weeks you will think that whole bungee jumping thing was a cakewalk.
|Whenever we kiss all the blood rushes to my head|
For the final part of their date the have dinner in the city plaza and I am coming closer to the conclusion that Juan Pablo is not smart. Neither is Chelsie so they are getting along splendidly. She is such a dork and not sexy at all but JP gives her the rose anyways.
Oh no, please no Bachelor band. Wait...it’s Billy Harrington - I know this song! I went through a pretty intense country phase this summer and now I’m singing along - this song is even on the radio! Impressive ABC, you must have actually paid this person to come on the show. Good for you, live it up while you still can before GLAAD shuts this whole operation down.
The next morning JP shows up super early at the Bachelor Mansion so he can make them breakfast and see them without makeup. RUDE. Then he totally steals Desiree’s idea from last season and has a pool party instead of a cocktail party. And once again everyone acts like it is somehow different even though it’s the exact same thing just in bikinis.
Sharleen steals JP and cries and makes out with him on a bench. Clare can see them and tells all the girls they are kissing and “it’s french.” Clare seems to lose her mind over the tongues touching and goes to the bathroom to sob. Lame. Clare if you wanted everyone to kiss without tongue then you should have just gone on Sean’s season.
All the girls hate Kat. Snooze.
Did anyone see the commercial for Sean and Catherine’s wedding this Sunday?! That hot mess will be deserving of a blog post fo sho.
JP is really rocking the Something About Mary hair bangs tonight.
And the roses go to…
Andi - Elaine Benes, makes out in kitchens
Renee - single mom
Kelly - ew, the dog lover
Sharleen - who apparently blew her load on her dresses early on and now only has pieces Kardashian Kollection for JC Penneys left
Elise - dead mom barbie
Kat - I have nothing to say about her
Allison - soccer player
Clare - cries in bathrooms
Lauren - I have no idea who this is
Danielle - Token Black is still around! This must be some sort of record
So that means dirty hippy Lucy and Christy are out. Christy I have never seen before in my life, and I will not be missing her frosted lipgloss and sequined shorts. Lucy/Leelee Sobieski and her dirty hippy naked ways will be sorely missed, however. Namaste.
See you next week!