Thursday, January 23, 2014

El Bachelor - Episode Tres: Juan Pablo No Le Gustan Los Homosexuales


Apparently tonight we are in for the most awkward kiss in Bachelor history! Obviously this voiceover man (Chris Harrison is that you?) didn’t watch Sean’s grandma kissing season.

CH shows up to the mansion sporting the colorblocking trend that must have still been trendy when this episode taped. Is Structure sponsoring this episode or something? Not a fan Puppet Master, you can do better and you know it.

Cassandra’s Date

Acrylic French Tips Cassandra gets the first date card. Boooo. She decides to impress Juan Pablo by wearing the worst romper I have ever seen. It’s red and looks like a slutty prison jumpsuit where the punishment for her crime is cameltoe.

Their date starts by driving around in a ridiculous looking jeep that chitty chitty bang bangs itself into a boat. My stars! I’m not that impressed but Cassandra acts like it’s the most amazing thing she’s seen since Lamar Odom’s penis.

Back at the house…

The other mom, Renee, and Elise, the melting barbie, are chatting and we hear another super creepy dead parent story. Apparently Elise’s mom wrote a letter for her to be on the Bachelor before she died of Melanoma. Talk about having single-girl guilt! Now it’s up to Elise to live out her mother’s dying wish to watch her daughter, along with 15 other girls, get sloppy drunk and make out with the same dude on network television.

Back on the date…

The boat-car pulls up to a yacht. Now we’re talking! But they go on it for like 5 seconds pretty much just so they can jump off it. Lame. Be careful Cassandra, you could break a nail doing that.

Is anyone else noticing the especially terrible background music this episode? It sounds like one of the producers has a cousin who is trying to make it in the music industry and this is their big break. No me gusta.

Juan Pablo and Cassandra head to his house to make dinner and start dancing in the kitchen and I am so embarrassed I can’t watch. But he seems into her and ends up giving her the rose. Cassandra says she hasn’t been this excited in 3 years, which...let’s think about that. She has a 2 year old son, so...Wrap it up JP, this girl is obviously super fertile.

Group Date

There are like 15 girls on this date and I have no idea who half of them are.

Ugh it’s another sporty date! I hate those. But at least it’s soccer so we get to see JP strut his stuff.

He makes the ladies run soccer drills and it’s super embarrassing. I thought the neon lights 5k was my worst nightmare date until I saw this bullshit. Another reason JP would hate me: while they are playing soccer, I am eating nachos.  

Kelly the dog lover is afraid of breaking her nose. She only likes to do that on purpose at her plastic surgeon’s, not on a soccer field.

The girls split into teams and play a boring scrimmage. When are the producers going to realize that the demographic for the Bachelor is not the demographic for sports? The last thing I want to do is watch a bunch of unskilled people play soccer for 20 fucking minutes. But I did enjoy watching Sharleen aka Pocahontas get kicked in the face, so at least there was that.

Back at the house we learn that Cassandra is one of those people that benefits immensely from good lighting. Daytime = haggard.

Now it’s time for the portion of the date when the girls change into dresses and take turns making out with Juan Pablo. Andi makes out with him on the counter in the kitchen while Sharleen grossly tongues him on a blanket in the field. It’s like slutty Clue. Next episode Kat is going to give him a handjob in the conservatory.

I am becoming more and more sure JP doesn’t drink. Between that and his anti gay comments this week I am basically not attracted to him anymore. That will last until he takes his shirt off again. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Juan Pablo then gives the rose to pediatric nurse Nikki which is an upset considering he didn’t make out with her. I guess it was because she told him she was afraid of getting hurt? If you ask me that was a bad move on Juan Pablo’s part - now he’s sending the message that if you don’t french him you will get a rose. Prudes unite!

Chelsie’s Date

Chelsie the “Science Educator” has the next one on one date and Elise is HATIN’ on her. She keeps saying that Chelsie is too much of a “little girl” for Juan Pablo. Come on Elise, age is just a number, JP doesn’t discriminate! Unless you’re gay, of course.

Juan Pablo picks Chelsie up and makes her listen to Venezuelan music in the car which I personally would find very annoying. I hate nothing more that music I don’t already know. To make matters worse JP sings along and it’s the least attracted to him I have been this whole season. You have a terrible voice Juan - don’t quit your day job that isn’t really a job.

They pull up to a Venezuelan restaurant and this is more my kind of date. That food looks amazing and I want it all right now, especially that fried thing with the melted cheese in the middle.

Chelsea always looks like she’s drunk. Me too - but that’s because I am actually drunk.

You know what’s a great thing to do after you’ve eaten your weight in fried cheese? Bungee jumping off a bridge! At least it’s a good way to get all that greasy food out of you as you throw up and shit yourself at the same time.

I thought with the end of Sean’s season we had seen the last of the possible death dates, but I guess I was wrong. There is absolutely no way I would jump off this bridge no matter how hot the guy that wanted me to do it was. Cheslie clearly doesn’t want to do it either and is whining/crying about it. I don’t blame her but just put your foot down, get off this bridge and go get a drink - stop debating and making this show 2 goddamn hours.

She finally says she doesn’t want to do it and Juan Pablo says “do it for me.” Go fuck yourself Juan Pablo.

Ugh in the end they finally jump and it looks just as terrible as I imagined it. Then they make out hanging upside down like bats, which also looks terrible. Chelsie thinks the whole thing was amazing though, and says “the epitome of building a relationship is free falling together.” Um, not really. Then she says that if you jump off a bridge together you can get through anything. I'm pretty sure when you find out Juan Pablo is a homophobe in a few weeks you will think that whole bungee jumping thing was a cakewalk.

Whenever we kiss all the blood rushes to my head

For the final part of their date the have dinner in the city plaza and I am coming closer to the conclusion that Juan Pablo is not smart. Neither is Chelsie so they are getting along splendidly. She is such a dork and not sexy at all but JP gives her the rose anyways.

Oh no, please no Bachelor band.’s Billy Harrington - I know this song! I went through a pretty intense country phase this summer and now I’m singing along - this song is even on the radio! Impressive ABC, you must have actually paid this person to come on the show. Good for you, live it up while you still can before GLAAD shuts this whole operation down.

Cocktail Party

The next morning JP shows up super early at the Bachelor Mansion so he can make them breakfast and see them without makeup. RUDE. Then he totally steals Desiree’s idea from last season and has a pool party instead of a cocktail party. And once again everyone acts like it is somehow different even though it’s the exact same thing just in bikinis.

Sharleen steals JP and cries and makes out with him on a bench. Clare can see them and tells all the girls they are kissing and “it’s french.” Clare seems to lose her mind over the tongues touching and goes to the bathroom to sob. Lame. Clare if you wanted everyone to kiss without tongue then you should have just gone on Sean’s season.

All the girls hate Kat. Snooze.

Rose Ceremony

Did anyone see the commercial for Sean and Catherine’s wedding this Sunday?! That hot mess will be deserving of a blog post fo sho.

JP is really rocking the Something About Mary hair bangs tonight.

And the roses go to…

Andi - Elaine Benes, makes out in kitchens
Renee - single mom
Kelly - ew, the dog lover
Sharleen - who apparently blew her load on her dresses early on and now only has pieces Kardashian Kollection for JC Penneys left
Elise - dead mom barbie
Kat - I have nothing to say about her
Allison - soccer player
Clare - cries in bathrooms
Lauren - I have no idea who this is
Danielle - Token Black is still around! This must be some sort of record

So that means dirty hippy Lucy and Christy are out. Christy I have never seen before in my life, and I will not be missing her frosted lipgloss and sequined shorts. Lucy/Leelee Sobieski and her dirty hippy naked ways will be sorely missed, however. Namaste.

See you next week!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Bachelor Juan Pablo - Episode Dos: I'm Not Drunk I'm Just Fun

Buenos dias!

The previews before the start of each episode should flash “Spoiler Alert” in huge letters across them the whole time. Honestly I bet I could just watch the first 5 minutes and write a full recap and you would never be the wiser. I really should consider doing that and saving myself the two goddamn hours each week.

But you know I would never because then I wouldn’t get to ogle Juan Pablo for 120 glorious minutos! He starts this episode by sending the first date card to Clare, the girl that pretended to be pregnant coming out of the limo. For reals, JP? That’s the one that you want to spend quality time with first? I hope this date consists of him making her watch Labor Pains starring Lindsay Lohan on a loop as punishment.

Clare’s Date

JP arrives to pick up Clare who is wearing a plastic coat with a very flammable looking collar. Also notable - Kelly the “dog lover’s” puppy is being allowed to live in the Bachelor mansion! Omg get that fucking dog out of here! He is probably carrying a multitude of diseases by now and surviving on skinnygirl margaritas alone.

Juan Pablo blindfolds Clare and takes her to a winter wonderland to go sledding in the middle of LA. It actually looks very pretty and you can tell the producers have really upped the budget from Desiree’s season. Hopefully this means we won’t have to suffer through too many “exploring the town” dates this time around and the Bachelor-copter will be in heavy use. But moving on, they play in the snow and you can tell Juan Pablo has been spending a little too much time with his 5 year old daughter since he is straight up playing hide and seek and giving piggy back rides to his date right now.

Yo sólo quiero jugar a las escondidas desnuda en la cama contigo JP.

We can tell Clare is really happy on this date because she is always showing ALL of her teeth.

Back at the house…

The girls are hanging out in the hot tub and Leelee Sobieski/Lucy is just standing there topless declaring that she doesn’t want to go unnoticed. Ugh, go back to Coachella.

Back on the date…

Uh oh, it appears to be the ice skating portion of the evening and Clare is NOT coordinated. She looks like me drunk walking in heels, which a friend once told me was “like Bambi on ice.” Get back on solid ground Clare before you embarrass yourself any further.

Next it’s mandatory hot tub time, yay! I am expecting a make-out but instead that dumbass Clare uses this moment to blabber on about how she basically wants to date her dad, what? Oh right, he’s the dead one that makes dvd’s, it’s all coming back now. Get ready to hear a lot more about this during the season, the producers love nothing more than a dead parent. Especially one that knows their way around iMovie. Ew Clare uses the words “daddy’s little girl” which makes me dry heave so I fast forward, sorry. I stop when I see JP whip out a rose, which makes sense since you can’t tell a story about your deceased father and be sent home - that’s a hard and true Bachelor Rule, never to be broken.

“I’m having a very, very much good time with you.” - English by Juan Pablo.

Clare and JP are making out when I hear music playing and the familiar dread of having to listen to a Bachelor Band sets in. They jump out of the hot tub and run around the corner to see OMG JOSH KRAJCIK FROM X-FACTOR. This means a lot to me since I was super obsessed with X-Factor for a while, but blackballed all singing competition shows when I realized no one from them actually becomes famous or successful. This little segment has really proved my theory - this guy was the runner up with 4 albums according to Wikipedia, and here he is playing for two slow dancing famewhores wearing bathing suits in fake snow.
Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Kat’s Date

Back the house Kat (who?) has the next one on one and is super excited about her date. She is wearing white shorts - can you still even buy those? I haven’t seen any since A&F circa 2002.

Juan Pablo and Kat drive to an airport and I am expecting the first Bachelor-copter sighting, but you can imagine my surprise when it turns out they get to go on a fucking private jet! FINALLY! I really hope the producers make it rain from here on, I feel like we have been watching The Bachelor’s Recession Years for the past few seasons. Des must be so pissed watching this amidst her legal battle with Chris Harrison for weekend use of her Barbie Bentley.

Umm I think Kat thinks JP owns that jet. I would be willing to bet Juan Pablo doesn’t even own a car.

JP goes into another part of the jet and comes back in a weird tracksuit with fluorescent workout clothes for Kat to put on. I don’t like where this is heading. Next thing you know they land in Salt Lake City, which is possibly the last place I would ever want to go to in the entire country. And on top of that there is some crazy rave going on that involves running a 5k in day glo running gear. Seriously, this is my nightmare - I don’t exercise in my free time, let alone on dates. I would be all sober and red faced and sweaty and need to take breaks and my neon running shorts would be really unflattering and I would be sent home immediately. But hey then at least I wouldn’t be in Utah.

Her eyes tell me she knows this sucks.

How old is Kat? She is looking another year into her 30’s as each minute of this show passes.

Regardless of how much I would hate this, JP and Kitty Kat seem to be having a great time. They finish the race and then get on stage with DJ Harrison to dance and I am very attracted to Juan Pablo’s moves. Like so much so I’m having difficulty breathing. And his headband is really working for me, which is a sentence I never thought I’d say.

Juan Pablo gives Kat the rose onstage despite having not spoken a full sentence to each other on this entire, terrible, date.

Group Date

There are a shitload of girls on this and I refuse to name them all. They all pile into a limo and start drinking immediately (my kind of ladies!), then head to some weird garage where apparently they will participate in a photoshoot. And leading the show as the stylist of the day is basically an Asian Mugatu from Zoolander with a blue goatee.

What the...I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Suddenly a bunch of dogs show up and just start shitting on everything in sight. What the hell is going on here?! Ok, apparently they are taking pictures with dogs for some dog charity. You know what would be a better dog charity? Freeing that fucking cocker spaniel P.O.W back at the Bachelor Mansion.

The girls have to get in dog-related costumes and Leelee gets a fire hydrant while Kelly the “dog lover” gets painted like a giant bald turd with spots. I guess we know who pissed Chris Harrison off early. And I guess we also know who he’s been masturbating to since he wants Andi the lawyer and Elise the melting Barbie to pose naked. They both freak out, but Elise pulls a genius move and switches costumes with Leelee since she loves to be naked. So that just leaves Andi to talk to the cameras about her turmoil with nudity, snooze.

In the end Juan Pablo is the cutest and says that if Andi poses naked then he will pose naked too. YESSSS. Less talking, more JP sans ropa.

After the uneventful photo shoot the gang heads to a rooftop because, obviously. No one loves an LA rooftop quite like the Bachelor producers. I think they’re secretly hoping that one day some lovesick psycho jumps. Imagine the ratings!

JP starts with alone time with Cassandra, “Former NBA Dancer”, and we find out she has a son. Lets play which basketball star is the father! Lamar Odom would make for some great B-list tabloid dramz, so I am just going to go ahead and assume it’s him. Cassandra was all nervous to tell JP about Lamar Jr., but Juan Pablo obviously reacts wicked cute in his little pink cashmere sweater. It should be noted that Cassandra says everything like a question which makes her sound like an idiot.

Now for the good stuff. Victoria is getting shitfaced and it’s awesome. She is slurring and says that “life is about straddling people and things.” I believe that is an ancient Chinese proverb. Nikki corners her and tries to tell her to slow down and not get hammered but Victoria is not having any of it! She says she’s not even drunk, she’s just fun. Haha, I am definitely going to use that one. You go girl, let the Franzia flow!

She just said she gave someone the "hymen maneuver"

Next thing we know our girl Vic tries to crash Juan Pablo and Nikki’s alone time, but when she’s in front of them she just chickens out and walks away awkwardly. She heads immediately for the bathroom where she becomes a crying mess on the floor of the handicapped stall. The amount of hangover anxiety she is going to experience tomorrow is going to be epic.

Oh shit now she is saying she wants to go home! This involves her speaking to the producers and cameramen, which I love because they never ever look how you would expect a person working on the Bachelor to look like. There is like a stoner with a Paul Bunyan beard and a clipboard telling Victoria she can’t go home right now because she doesn't have a flight and is not wearing clothes or shoes. You would think after 20-something seasons of this show he would know not to try to reason with a desperate drunk girl; that's the highway to nowhere.

Lucy decides to go tell JP that Victoria is losing her damn mind. Juan Pablo does the right thing and goes to find her, following the sounds of her crying hysterically in the bathroom. He asks if she will talk to him and she screams NO like a child. But JP continues being my favorite person ever by handling it like a gentleman and saying it’s a stressful situation and that he’s not going to judge her. Te amo, Juan Pablo. Te amo.

They do a quick goodbye and Juan Pablo gives the date rose to Kelly for being a good sport. Ugh, she sucks. Bad call Juan Pablo, but it’s probably just because you feel bad she was made to dress like poop, which is nice of you. I’ll let it go just this once.

Back at the house it’s the next day and the girls are all sitting around talking shit about Victoria and how drunk she got. Bitches. Juan shows up to talk to Victoria and she is still kind of an idiot sober, maybe she’s still drunk? We’ve all been there...right?

Anyways JP is really cute with Vic and tries to make her feel better, but she’s not really apologetic at all and acting like alcohol was no part of her actions. She actually said “maybe I did drink too much.” MAYBE?! Girl, you are loco. Juan Pablo is onto her and sends her home immediately since he can’t have someone like that around his daughter. It’s the right thing to do but so much for not judging, JP! I wouldn’t last the night in that house. Juan pablo no le gusta ir de fiesta.

Cocktail Hour

Did anyone else see the Juan Pablo M&M commercial? I loled when he said “Ay Yellow”.

Also, I know I say this every week but I will never stop complaining about how much I hate the cocktail hour. THIS SHOW IS TOO LONG.

He starts with alone time with Amy, the reporter, and she does a mock interview with him. It might actually be the most embarrassed I have ever been in my life and I can’t even talk about it.

Sharleen the opera singer is in another awesome dress! Finally some decent fashion on this program. She apologizes for being really rude when he gave her the first impression rose, and I’m glad she at least knows she was an asshole. But she is still on my shit list.

Andi looks like a young Julia Louis-Dreyfus...which may be one of the best compliments I have ever given someone. I’m obsessed with Elaine Benes and in turn that’s making me have a weird affection for Andi. I want her and Juan Pablo to have mucho bebés.

Cassandra is crying about how much she misses Lamar Jr., and while she’s wiping away her tears I notice she has acrylic french tips. I no longer care about anything that happens with her, and neither should you.

Rose Ceremony

Do the external shots of the Bachelor house always look like it’s covered in fur to anyone else??

Hey Chris Harrison, nice to see ya! Way to only show up when there’s 8 minutes of the show left. You are extra lazy this season, I see. Never change.

And the roses go to….

Cassandra - don’t care
Nikki - pediatric nurse
Andi - lawyer Elaine Benes
Elise - melting barbie who won't pose nude
Sharleen - opera singer with an attitude problem
Courtney - I think that’s her name? She’s the original single mom
Danielle - holy shit she straightened her hair and looks completely different, kind of better but also kind of more drag queen
Lucy - dirty hippy Leelee Sobieski
Allison - who?
Chelsie - dweebazoid science teacher
Lauren -no idea who this is
Kristy - no idea who this is either

So the ones going home are Amy the reporter that embarrassed me in my own home, and Chantel the Token Black Contestant #1. Told you it wouldn’t be long!

Amy is creepily cheerful in her exit interview, and I think she might be insane. Her eyes never stop smiling in a really robotic way and I am foreseeing a manic killing spree in her future. If you’re in the Orlando, Florida area watch out for that one.

Luckily this amazing shirt will make her easy to spot.

Peace out bitches, nos vemos la próxima semana!

Friday, January 10, 2014

Bachelor Juan Pablo: Episode One - We're All Going To Need To Brush Up On Our Spanglish

Hola amigos!

It’s finally here, the moment we’ve all been waiting for...Juan Pablo as the bachelor! I am nervous and excited like it’s the first day of school. Actually speaking of escuela, this season is going to be great for my spanish skills - I’m going to have to break out my old textbooks to try and figure out what the fuck that Spanish Dios was talking about in the opening. I believe he lives in Miami? It’s the only word I understood.

Está bien Juan Pablo, I hablará español con usted.
Ver sus calcetines morados! Te amo y traductor google.

They show the usual 5 minutes of spoilers for the entire season and I am happy to report that JP appears to be a fantastic kisser. Finally a happy medium between Sloppy Ari and Grandma Sean!

Umm, did he just say it’s a career opportunity to find the person he's meant to be with for a few years? He is either shockingly honest about this whole process or it is becoming apparent that Juan Pablo no habla Inglés. And I am finding it adorable. What is happening here?? I have never actually liked the bachelor or bachelorette (besides Ali Fedotowsky, obviously. Love ya girl), so this is completely new territory. I'm worried that I have nothing snarky to say. I don’t even mind the gratuitous shirtless running shots on the beach! Who am I right now?!

Then they show Juan Pablo with his daughter and my lady boner dies down a little. At least I can hate on him for being neglectful and abandoning his daughter for ABC Primetime! Also is it just me or does Camilla look exactly like Ricki Maynard? Are they just using the same kid for all these happy family shots throughout the series? But in all seriousness, she is cute and he is cute with her, but let’s hope there’s not too much daddy stuff this season. We need to save airtime for hot tub makeouts, not children.

Speaking of the devil, Sean Lowe swings by and I’m surprised he doesn’t just burst into flames in that hot LA sun. He clearly has some jealousy issues with Juan Pablo and keeps smiling at him with hatred in his eyes. He has never looked more like the evil Narnia snow creature that we know him to truly be. A really boring evil Narnia snow creature - he is discussing synonyms for the word “journey” right now. I am about 2 seconds away from fast forwarding.

After a quick segway of Juan Pablo lathering up in the shower (seriously), Chris Harrison shows up! About time, lookin fly Puppet Master! And you know what seeing CH means...time to meet some ladies!

First Look at the Girls

First up is Chelsie from Columbus, Ohio. Starting early with the absurd name spellings, I see. She is a “science educator” with a lot of teeth. She is also one of the biggest dorks I have ever seen in my life.

Next is Renee, a 24 year old Real Estate Agent with a sick body...and an 8 year old son. Ugh, children again. I thought this was the Bachelor, not the Babysitter. But still, they would make a lovely neglectful couple.

Then comes Andi, a Prosecutor from Georgia. She is super pretty but I feel like she went to the University of Phoenix Online for Law School.

Next is Amy from LA who wins the award for most fucking awkward introduction of all time. She pulled up on a bike and introduced herself to the camera! I thought for sure she was going to start telling us what a superior tampon Playtex is. She also has crazy bangs and is 100% batshit insane, so I am obviously already completely obsessed with her. Please let this gem stay through the night.

Nikki, a 26 year old Pediatric Nurse comes next. She looks Carrie Underwood in her Got Milk ads circa 2006, but she’s cute and normal. And boring.

Now we meet Lauren, a 25 year old Mineral Coordinator. Ok, I have so many things to say about this one. First of all, she looks and sounds exactly like Blakely! Oh how I miss that crazy Hooters waitress who just wanted love and cable. Second of all, 25?! She is at least 37 years old. Third, what the fuck is a Mineral Coordinator? Fourth, she details her broken engagement on national tv and is clearly not over it. And last but not least she either has a sunburn or a serious blush application problem. We have a real hot mess on our hands here. A real hot mess. Yay!

Which one is the real Blakely?

Next up is Valerie, a 26 year old Personal Trainer who happens to be busted but won’t stop talking about how pretty she is. Her wonky eye must see something I don’t. She is super annoying and clearly trying to be Courtney from Ben’s season, but definitely doesn’t have the chops for it. That kind of pure evil cannot be replicated, don’t EVEN try Val.

Jesus this is a shitload of girls! Now we meet Lacy from La Jolla, who might be an actual angel on Earth. She comes from a family of 13 where 9 of them are disabled, and at 25 she has already opened her own elderly care facility. I feel like she stumbled into the wrong audition room and should be trying out for Sainthood instead of this Bachelor bullshit.

Finally we meet Clare, a 32 year old hair stylist from Sacramento. Her dad made a dvd for her future husband to watch before he died of brain cancer. Her dad died of brain cancer, not her future husband, just to be clear. And I’m sure giving the Bachelor producers rights to that video wasn’t exactly what he had in mind, Clare.

Wow finally that segment is over. Don’t we normally only meet like 5 girls in their hometowns at the start? That seemed excessive. But anyways, now it’s time for Juan Pablo to meet everyone! Chris Harrison tells him that since he’s so popular with the ladies they couldn’t narrow the auditions down to 25 girls so he's going to have to start off with 27. Which basically means the producers met an extra two psychos they knew would be great for ratings and couldn’t let them go. I’ll allow it.

Juan Pablo Meets the Damas

Hereee we go! And first out of the limo is…

Amy L - 27 - News Reporter wearing a hideous red dress. It’s a very boring meet and greet where she just says she’s excited to be there and goes inside. Lets hope these kinds of pleasantries don’t continue through the night.

Cassandra  - 21 - “Former NBA Dancer”, Current Escort. She is very pretty but seriously just stands there staring at him not talking. Juan Pablo checks out her ass when she walks away though so I think she’s safe.

Christy  - 24 - Marketing Manager wearing a white dress and headband from the JCPenney prom collection. It really brings out the highlighter orange of her spray tan.

Christine - 23 - Police Support Specialist. What the fuck is a police support specialist? She brought a bracelet for Camilla though which is a nice move.

Nikki - 26 - Pediatric Nurse / Got Milk Carrie Underwood we met earlier. She’s wearing a surprisingly skanky dress and does a little bit with JP where she makes him listen to her heart with a stethoscope to hear how nervous she is, basically so he can cop a feel. I approve.

Kat - 29 - Medical Sales Rep. I actually like her dress and her move to have Juan Pablo teach her to salsa dance. She seems normal too - where have all my crazies gone?

Chantel - 27 - Account Manager. Token black contestant. I like that she is wearing a short dress, it’s kind of ridiculous how these girls all wear formal gowns to hang out in a driveway.

Victoria - 24 - Legal Assistant from Brazil and looks exactly like Rachel Berry on Glee. Her dress reminds me of a pug - it’s so ugly it’s cute.

Lucy - 24 - Free Spirit. Seriously, her job title says “Free Spirit.” She is wearing a flower headband, no makeup and no shoes. I’m pretty sure she is actually Leelee Sobieski. NEXT.

Danielle - 25 - Psychiatric Nurse. Another black contestant! Well this is new - are these the same producers as SNL? Either way, if history means anything only one will last the night. My money is on Danielle.

Lauren - 26 - Music Composer. Well, probably not anymore since I think her little stunt coming in cost her her job. She biked her way up the driveway with a piano and then messed up the song. I got panic sweats just watching that.

Chelsie - 24 - Science Educator we met before. She does this whole embarrassing thing where she tries to do a science experiment with Juan Pablo just so she can say that they should “have chemistry.” I can’t.

Valerie - 26 - Personal Trainer we met with a wonky eye that wants to be a villain. She wore cowboy boots and JP is not impressed.

Elise - 27, First Grade Teacher. She looks like a barbie that was left out on a hot day and melted a little.

Ashley - 25 - Grade School Teacher. Her voice leads me to believe she moonlights as a sex phone operator. She gives Juan Pablo a gold star and tells him that she will talk to him more inside...for $1 for the first 5 minutes but $9.99 for each minute after that.

Clare - 32 - hairstylist with the dead dvd-making dad we met earlier. She comes out pretending to be pregnant. I’m not kidding. I thought maybe it would be a soccer ball under her dress but it appears to be a legit prosthetic pregnant stomach. Wow. Well you have to admire her game, everyone knows the way to man’s heart is through fake pregnancies!

Alli - 26 - Nanny. She shows up in cleats and plays soccer with Juan Pablo. Me gusta.

Amy J - 31 - Massage Therapist. Crazy bangs we met before! I am so excited, but she ends up just giggling a lot and trying to speak Spanish. It’s a letdown but I still have faith her crazy will shine through as the night goes on.

Renee - 32 - Real Estate Agent. Single mom we met before. She tells Juan Pablo she’s a “mommy” and I want to throw up.

Lauren H - 25 - Mineral Coordinator / Blakely #2 with the broken engagement we met earlier. Something tells me “Mineral Coordinator” means working at a skincare kiosk in the mall.

Maggie - 24 - Personal Banker. Southern belle who resembles the Bratz doll from a few seasons ago. She brings Juan Pablo a fishing hook since he is a “good catch.” Stop it.

Kelly - 27 - Dog Lover. Her profession is DOG LOVER, are you fucking kidding me? Does that mean from now on I can be a professional Wine Lover? She obviously brings her dog. With the amount of diseases contaminating the Bachelor house driveway I’m pretty sure this is animal abuse.

Lacy  -25 - Nursing Home Owner / Angel we met before. Her good deeds have rewarded her a crazy rack. Go Lacy! She gives Juan Pablo some weird prescription pill gift so I’m thinking Lacy sounds even more fun to hang out with than I originally thought.

Alexis - 24 - Communications Director. She says she is from Tampa and Juan Pablo immediately tells her to go inside. Good call JP.
Kylie - 23 - Interior Designer. Whoaaaa, someone has seen the Little Mermaid a few too many times. Her dress is the life size version of the one on the princess barbie I got my friend’s 3 year old for Christmas. This is the kind of person that goes to Disney World on their honeymoon.

Poor unfortunate soul.

Sharleen - 29 - Opera Singer. I love her dress, but not her attitude. Juan Pablo seems instantly into her and she seems unimpressed. Do her eyes and ears not work? This chick is going to be a problem for me, I can tell you that right now.

Andi - 26 - Prosecutor we met before. She seems pretty cool and normal and I think she will be in the top 5 for sure. I also have her to thank for saving me from considering the ombre hair trend. That shit is not working.

Cocktail Party Time!

Oh god I’m already out of steam. I forgot how fucking long these episodes are and I will never stop complaining about it.

But on a positive note, this is quite possibly the best looking group of girls they have ever had. And Juan Pablo is proving to be a very good bachelor, being super nice and flirty with all of them. He put a photo booth in the house and started a dance party when he came in! Me gusta. Me gusta mucho. The thing I like most about the dance party is that these ladies are for sure going to get WASTED.

JP starts with alone time with Nikki who says she is a pediatric nurse and I am 100% positive he has no idea what she is talking about until she says “I’m a baby nurse.” Ohhh Juan Pablo, you and your and your limited English. Te amo.

Lucy/Leelee Sobieski acts like a crazy person putting her bare feet all over JP and obviously creeps him out. Then Crazy Amy steals him which was a wise move on her part - she will seem somewhat normal after Leelee. But then Amy proceeds to oil up her hands and give him a massage while he’s wearing a suit jacket. Yes, you read that right, she puts oil on his suit. So disregard whatever I just said about her not looking crazy, she is a wacko.

I am going to just go ahead and say that 27 is too many girls.

Aaaand we have our first crier of the night, not surprisingly Lauren/Blakely. She is slowly unraveling in front of our eyes because she hasn’t had one on one time with JP yet. Finally he sits down with her and Blakely #2 uses her time to tell him all about her broken engagement while sobbing and swearing she’s over it. Juan Pablo is visibly uncomfortable and I think we may have just gotten a taste of why her fiance called things off. Lauren, I hope you didn’t unpack.

Kylie looks like someone that was hanging out with Paris Hilton circa 2003.

Juan Pablo sits down with Sharleen, the Opera Singer with an attitude, and he can’t keep his pants on about how much he likes her dress. He tells her she has mundo which means she has the world. Now my pants are off. For some reason he is super into her even though she has the stiffest personality I have ever come across on a reality show. I think she may have gotten lost on her way to go bird watching and somehow ended up here. OMG then he gives her the first impression rose because she isn’t like the other girls. This is not a good sign. Sharleen responds by saying “sure” and telling the cameras that she doesn’t feel that much chemistry.  I want to punch her.

Rose Ceremony

This is going to take like 4 hours with all these girls! The only thing worth mentioning that happens is Juan Pablo said “Kat” and crazy Ariel/Kylie thought he said her name and tries to take the rose and it is very embarrassing for everyone involved. It’s even more embarrassing when Kylie doesn’t get a rose at all and has to go home.

The other losers are:

Amy J, noooo! I didn’t get enough time with your bumper bangs and fully clothed oil massages. You will be sorely missed.

Blakely #2, for obvious reasons. If I were her family I would do a clean sweep of sharp objects in her house.

Christine - the girl that brought a bracelet for Camilla! Didn’t see that one coming. Juan Pablo is a worse father that we thought!

Ashley - sex phone operator. Chris Harrison must have orchestrated that because he missed his nightly chats.

That’s all she wrote! This season is going to be magical ladies and gent. Nos vemos la próxima semana, Adiós!