Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bachelor Pad Episode One: Everyone Gets Donkey Punched

Here we go again!  Chris starts by saying there is a lot of history in the house but I think he just means unidentified stains.


The Cast:

Originals:

Chris -  Still looks like the inbred child of Bradley Cooper and a member of Bradley Cooper’s immediate family.  I cannot wait to witness his slow descent into madness.



Lindzi - I have never been able to grasp her face.  What does she even look like?!  It is a mystery.  Its like her bronzer acts as a camouflage.  


Reed - I did not watch Jillian’s season so I don’t know very much about him.  He seems nice and normal and therefore boring.

Ed - Or is it Mr. Mike Brady?  What a douche.  He says that the tabloids made up a lot of stuff about him cheating on Jillian and then says there was a lot of truth to the stories.  Smooth.  He also says he is “still living the bachelor life” aka still milking being on the bachelorette years ago.

BACHELOR PAD - "301" - Hosted by Chris Harrison, "Bachelor Pad" returns MONDAY, July 23 (8:00-10:00 p.m., ET) with its most controversial cast to date, as 15 unforgettable characters from the "Bachelor" franchise - those we love and those we love to hate -- gather back at the mansion to live together to possibly find a second chance at love and compete for $250,000. (ABC/TODD WAWRYCHUK)ED SWIDERSKI
Florence Henderson is rolling in her grave right now.


Blakely - “The girl not everybody liked.” Umm you mean huge whore? But I guess we should give her some props on finally getting out of the VIP cocktail business and putting her energy towards something that really matters: hairless vaginas.
Bachelor Pad Drama: Jaclyn Swartz Hates Blakely Jones 'So Much It Hurts'
No comment needed.
Jaclyn - The ugliest person I have ever seen on television. And I don’t feel bad for saying that because she is a huge bitch and says she has been faking a friendship with Blakely but secretly hates her. Now I feel bad for Blakely. Damnit. Who do I hate more?!


Kalon - BEST GIFT EVER, thank you Chris Harrison. “Guess what America, your favorite villain is back.  I’m going to ruin your fucking summer”  This is going to be the best summer yet!
BACHELOR PAD - "301" - Hosted by Chris Harrison, "Bachelor Pad" returns MONDAY, July 23 (8:00-10:00 p.m., ET) with its most controversial cast to date, as 15 unforgettable characters from the "Bachelor" franchise - those we love and those we love to hate -- gather back at the mansion to live together to possibly find a second chance at love and compete for $250,000. (ABC/TODD WAWRYCHUK)KALON MCMAHON
You're welcome America.

Nick - Personal trainer from Ashley’s season.  He used to be blonde but now he is just really, really tan.  Like Lindzi disguise your entire face tan.

Rachel - From Ben’s season, and I liked her because she never seemed that into him so she must be cool.  I also admire her dedication to bangs.  But ohh noooooo don't admit you were dumped by Ben, let alone say you were Ben’s dumpster trash! Are you kidding me?!  Have some self respect girl!

Sarah - From the Bachelor Ice Ages aka Brad’s first season.  I don’t know her but she says she got kicked off for not being able to tell the difference between Brad and his twin brother Chad, which is hilarious.  I’m rooting for her.
My Two Brads


Ryan - You have no idea how much I wish this was Ryan from Emily’s season.  Instead we get the complete opposite with this lame virgin that doesn't drink.  Bachelor producers, please read this: AMERICA DOESN’T WANT TO WATCH SOBER VIRGINS.  Please keep this in mind for the future and rig it so this guy gets sent home first and Fun Ryan From Augusta takes his place.  Thank you.

Tony - Still maintaining his #1 Dad status by leaving his son for another reality show.  I actually hope he wins so he can afford the therapy his son will surely need.

Michael - Aww I love you little muffin but perhaps this isn't the best outlet for you to find love. We all know where this is heading...you are going to end up quickly proposing to some girl you met for like 10 minutes and they are going to say yes because the cameras are there, but then say no because you are small and needy.  And Holly will look at you with pity.  Gah.  Omg Michael I’m sorry I just said that.  I didn’t mean it.  I love you.

Erica Rose! - Speaking of people who shouldn’t be here, Erica and her ill fitting dress should go back to her condo in the valley.  Except not really because homegirl is some good tv.  She says her and Kalon have drama from being in the same Houston “social scene”, which I imagine has about 7 people and involves a lot of roofies.  This should be good.

Jamie - Last and....least.  Most remembered by giving Ben a lap dance, trying to teach him how to kiss, and subsequently getting immediately sent home.  She is like a layered onion of crazy.

The Fans:

Paige - Settle downnnnnnn.  You are embarrassing yourself.  And who is your lady friend in bed with you?

Chris - Too many Chris’s!  We already have Harrison and the Bradley Cooper Inbred.  How will we ever keep track?!  This one says he’s a SWAT officer (pronounced SWAD officer), but he watches the Bachelor every week in an actual pajama set while drinking wine.  I am embarrassed for him, but also think we could maybe be best friends.  Oh wait, he just asked Chris Harrison to take a picture with him.  This friendship has run its course.

Donna - She says she was made for the Bachelor Pad because she only wears bikinis all day.  Then she dances around in one.  I predict that she will be giving a bj the first night.  She is annoying me, and if she doesn't go home immediately I’m going to cry. Woah woah woah, I just caught a glimpse of her “art work” sketching Michael Stagliano’s face.  She may stay.
That is TALENT.


David - Looks like a guy I once made out with that we later nicknamed Quasimodo. I had forgotten about him and now I have been reminded.  Thanks David.  I hate you.

Brittany and Erica - OMG those are the twins that banged the Situation on the Jersey Shore!  Should I be impressed with myself or ashamed that I recognized them IMMEDIATELY?  Erica, the uglier one, is a “virgin”. I’m guessing she doesn't count the back door entry.
BACHELOR PAD - "301" - Hosted by Chris Harrison, "Bachelor Pad" returns MONDAY, July 23 (8:00-10:00 p.m., ET) with its most controversial cast to date, as 15 unforgettable characters from the "Bachelor" franchise - those we love and those we love to hate -- gather back at the mansion to live together to possibly find a second chance at love and compete for $250,000. (ABC/TODD WAWRYCHUK)BRITTANY TALTOS, ERICA TALTOS
"Woah you're from Florida? I wouldn't have guessed!" Said no one.


The First Night

So everyone is hanging out and apparently Rachel has turned into a bitter bitch that hates on Blakely and is friends with Fugly Jaclyn. I expected so much more from her.  Blakely is wearing a completely batshit crazy outfit though that must be addressed - it looks like Wet Seal and American Apparel threw up on her.  She’s respectable on the top and stripper on the bottom.  Maybe its just a subtle reference to her new profession.


The twins say they are from Florida and I laugh out loud.  One of them says she feels “subhuman” being on the show. A more accurate statement has never been made.

Woah who spiked the Brady punch bowl?  Ed is obliterated.  He finally takes off his Saturday Night Fever outfit and jumps in the pool in his tighty whities.  You can tell he is not taking this game seriously and is just here to party and hook up, and to be honest that makes me kinda like him.  But you know what happens when you black out the first night?  You wake up with Jaclyn as your partner.  That will sober you up reallll quick.  


Ed Swiderski Jumps in the Pool in Bachelor Pad Season 3, Episode 1
I bet his hangover anxiety was epic.


So the partners are as follows:

Reed and Paige.  They are far too normal looking for my television.  If I want to see a couple that looks like this I can just go on Facebook.

Nick and Erica.  Dumb and dumber.

Chris and Blakely.  All the girls were wanting Chris because he is “athletic and strong”.  Did everyone miss the episode of Emily’s season when they were in Croatia?!  Did no one see him try and shoot a bow and arrow or throw a log?!  He is absolutely neither athletic or strong.  
THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 806" - Six men meet Emily in old town Dubrovnik, where she takes them to a breathtaking historic theater. There they are treated to a VIP sneak peek of Disney¥Pixar's highly anticipated new film "Brave" (in theaters June 22). The men had better be paying attention because afterwards, mimicking the movie, they will be asked to dress in kilts and compete in their own Highland Games. The bachelors fire arrows, throw logs and test each other's strength. Although one bachelor dominates the competition, another wins over Emily with his persistence in the face of defeat. The after party finds one handsome man taking Emily on an intimate walk and talk in the streets of Dubrovnik, while another brave suitor offers the Bachelorette his heart, on "The Bachelorette," MONDAY, JUNE 18 (8:00-10:02 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/NICK RAY)JOHN, JEF, EMILY MAYNARD, CHRIS , DOUG, ARIE, SEAN
Chris being "athletic".


Kalon and Donna.  Obviously.

Rachel and SWAD, Lindzi and Tony, Sarah and Michael, Jamie and Ryan.  I have nothing to say about these people.

David and the Twins.  An unattractive trio.  

Ed and Jaclyn.  Jaclyn literally has to end up with Ed because no one else is left, and he is alone practically passed out in the hot tub.  I really wish I was watching this with Jillian.



The Challenge

So basically each couple has to get into a big heart and stay in it while its suspended from the ground and slowly tips forward.  The first couple to fall out will automatically have one vote each against them in the rose ceremony, and the couple that stays in the longest gets roses and to go on a special Bachelor style romantic date, most likely involving a helicopter and a life threatening situation that they make you do after you’ve had a few vodka sodas.

The twins are playing as one, so only one of them has to go in with David.  This challenge involves a lot of upper body and core strength so you would think it would be harder for the girls, but surprisingly the guys are huge pussies!  Nick and Erica are out first, which Nick should be extremely ashamed about considering the one fact I remembered about him is that he is a personal trainer.  In typical Kalon fashion I’m pretty sure he kicked Donna out of their heart.  Hahaha, oh Kalon.  Never change.  
Did I mention these vibrate?
It ends up with Reid/Sarah and David/Twin Brittany in the final showdown.   Twin Erica says that she is transferring all her “Twinergy” to her sister to help her win.  Somehow, this actually works and this trio of ugmo newbies all have roses through to the next episode.  I guess the aggressive strain of herpes they got from The Situation also leads to superhuman strength and the ability to pass energy through your mind.  Which brings me to a very interesting question: Would you have sex with The Situation on tv and contract violent herpes if it meant you would have superpowers and get to live in the same house as Kalon?  Keep in mind you would also have to be from Florida. Discuss.

So now the twins and David get to go on a date to an amusement park, where my favorite part of the whole episode happens.  David goes on every ride and relates it to a past Bachelor date.  Then they end the night by paying homage to Ben and Courtney and going skinny dipping.  I didn’t fully understand the point of having superfans until this moment.  It is awesome.  I’m sorry I ever doubted you Chris Harrison.

Speaking of The Original Chris - I would like to make a prediction now.  There will be a Chris Harrison scandal very, very soon.  I don’t know if it will be on Bachelor Pad or the next season of the Bachelor, but I have a feeling there will be a situation where he is accepting handy j’s in exchange for some roses.  Or at the very least sleeping with contestants.  Mark my words.

Anyway, back at the house there is some drama going on between Blakely and Chris.  She is trying to control him and make sure he doesn’t make any lady friends, and threatens to “donkey punch” him in the throat.  Go to urbandictionary.com and look up Donkey Punch.  That is a pretty intense threat.  I think Blakely has definitely been donkey punched before.  So has Donna.  And probably both twins.  And most likely Erica.  And I wouldn’t be surprised about Jaclyn.  Oh and obviously Ryan.

So Chris is officially creeped out by Blakely and deals with this by sneaking off with Jamie and making out with her.  Although I’m not sure how he gets past those gigantic fake eyelashes to make it to her face.  She looks like a drag queen.  And she is wearing a silky robe!  The Kim Kardashian sex tape is not supposed to be a manual for seduction, Jamie.  

Fugly Jaclyn tells Blakely that Jamie and Chris went off together, which upsets Blakely so she busts in on them mid makeout.  Awww and the KimK sex tape copy was just getting started!  Blakely says that she is upset because she wants the money and doesn't want Chris having distractions, but lets be honest it's because she wanted Chris to donkey punch her and not Jamie.  She tells Jamie she has changed for the worse since they were together on Brad’s 2nd season which angers Chris...uh oh get ready for some badly put together sentences and random voice inflections directed at you Blakely.  #inbredsideeffects

Also, what is going on here?  How has Chris managed to establish a position as the “player” in the house?  This is absurd.  Maybe Arie sent him some of his leftover love potion.

So now basically everyone is scheming to see who will get voted off, and it looks like the girls will come down to Erica and Paige, and for boys its SWAD and Nick.  There are a lot of complicated strategies at work here that I don’t feel the need to explain, but let's just say Quasimodo David really screws it up for the superfans by telling Erica Rose he is voting for her, and Kalon is awesome as usual and lying to everyone.  Also, Jamie is wearing a ridiculous headband.

This scheming segment goes on for way too long and at this point I don't give a shit who goes home, I just want them to stop talking about not voting or voting for Paige because it’s so fucking boring I want to cry. I blame Reed and he’s on my shit list now. He should pull an Ames and run after her limo when she eventually gets voted off, only somehow he falls under the limo. And life goes on.




The Rose Ceremony (Finally)


What gutter did the twins get ready in? Their outfits look really fucking flammable.

How does Michael manage to always look like a waiter? I feel like he just got off of his shift at Olive Garden and just showed up at the rose ceremony. I will take the never ending breadsticks please.

Oh nooooo Reed and his Kabbalah bracelet stay!

Phew! Tony breathes a sigh of relief as he learns he gets to stay and not have to go home and actually parent his son.

Is Jaclyn wearing a wig?  She should consider adding to that and really going all the way with a disguise of sorts.  Like a mask.

I am getting very nervous that I might have to say goodbye to Erica Rose, but thankfully she let Chris Harrison donkey punch her right before the ceremony (allegedly) and he arranged for Paige and SWAD to be sent packing instead. Paige can go back to being an extra on Grey's Anatomy and SWAD can watch the rest of this season in his pajama set at home.  All is as it should be.  Donkey Punches save the day!