Buenos dias!
The previews before the start of each episode should flash “Spoiler Alert” in huge letters across them the whole time. Honestly I bet I could just watch the first 5 minutes and write a full recap and you would never be the wiser. I really should consider doing that and saving myself the two goddamn hours each week.
But you know I would never because then I wouldn’t get to ogle Juan Pablo for 120 glorious minutos! He starts this episode by sending the first date card to Clare, the girl that pretended to be pregnant coming out of the limo. For reals, JP? That’s the one that you want to spend quality time with first? I hope this date consists of him making her watch Labor Pains starring Lindsay Lohan on a loop as punishment.
Clare’s Date
JP arrives to pick up Clare who is wearing a plastic coat with a very flammable looking collar. Also notable - Kelly the “dog lover’s” puppy is being allowed to live in the Bachelor mansion! Omg get that fucking dog out of here! He is probably carrying a multitude of diseases by now and surviving on skinnygirl margaritas alone.
Juan Pablo blindfolds Clare and takes her to a winter wonderland to go sledding in the middle of LA. It actually looks very pretty and you can tell the producers have really upped the budget from Desiree’s season. Hopefully this means we won’t have to suffer through too many “exploring the town” dates this time around and the Bachelor-copter will be in heavy use. But moving on, they play in the snow and you can tell Juan Pablo has been spending a little too much time with his 5 year old daughter since he is straight up playing hide and seek and giving piggy back rides to his date right now.
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| Yo sólo quiero jugar a las escondidas desnuda en la cama contigo JP. |
We can tell Clare is really happy on this date because she is always showing ALL of her teeth.
Back at the house…
The girls are hanging out in the hot tub and Leelee Sobieski/Lucy is just standing there topless declaring that she doesn’t want to go unnoticed. Ugh, go back to Coachella.
Back on the date…
Uh oh, it appears to be the ice skating portion of the evening and Clare is NOT coordinated. She looks like me drunk walking in heels, which a friend once told me was “like Bambi on ice.” Get back on solid ground Clare before you embarrass yourself any further.
Next it’s mandatory hot tub time, yay! I am expecting a make-out but instead that dumbass Clare uses this moment to blabber on about how she basically wants to date her dad, what? Oh right, he’s the dead one that makes dvd’s, it’s all coming back now. Get ready to hear a lot more about this during the season, the producers love nothing more than a dead parent. Especially one that knows their way around iMovie. Ew Clare uses the words “daddy’s little girl” which makes me dry heave so I fast forward, sorry. I stop when I see JP whip out a rose, which makes sense since you can’t tell a story about your deceased father and be sent home - that’s a hard and true Bachelor Rule, never to be broken.
“I’m having a very, very much good time with you.” - English by Juan Pablo.
Clare and JP are making out when I hear music playing and the familiar dread of having to listen to a Bachelor Band sets in. They jump out of the hot tub and run around the corner to see OMG JOSH KRAJCIK FROM X-FACTOR. This means a lot to me since I was super obsessed with X-Factor for a while, but blackballed all singing competition shows when I realized no one from them actually becomes famous or successful. This little segment has really proved my theory - this guy was the runner up with 4 albums according to Wikipedia, and here he is playing for two slow dancing famewhores wearing bathing suits in fake snow.
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| Oh how the mighty have fallen. |
Kat’s Date
Back the house Kat (who?) has the next one on one and is super excited about her date. She is wearing white shorts - can you still even buy those? I haven’t seen any since A&F circa 2002.
Juan Pablo and Kat drive to an airport and I am expecting the first Bachelor-copter sighting, but you can imagine my surprise when it turns out they get to go on a fucking private jet! FINALLY! I really hope the producers make it rain from here on, I feel like we have been watching The Bachelor’s Recession Years for the past few seasons. Des must be so pissed watching this amidst her legal battle with Chris Harrison for weekend use of her Barbie Bentley.
Umm I think Kat thinks JP owns that jet. I would be willing to bet Juan Pablo doesn’t even own a car.
JP goes into another part of the jet and comes back in a weird tracksuit with fluorescent workout clothes for Kat to put on. I don’t like where this is heading. Next thing you know they land in Salt Lake City, which is possibly the last place I would ever want to go to in the entire country. And on top of that there is some crazy rave going on that involves running a 5k in day glo running gear. Seriously, this is my nightmare - I don’t exercise in my free time, let alone on dates. I would be all sober and red faced and sweaty and need to take breaks and my neon running shorts would be really unflattering and I would be sent home immediately. But hey then at least I wouldn’t be in Utah.
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| Her eyes tell me she knows this sucks. |
How old is Kat? She is looking another year into her 30’s as each minute of this show passes.
Regardless of how much I would hate this, JP and Kitty Kat seem to be having a great time. They finish the race and then get on stage with DJ Harrison to dance and I am very attracted to Juan Pablo’s moves. Like so much so I’m having difficulty breathing. And his headband is really working for me, which is a sentence I never thought I’d say.
Juan Pablo gives Kat the rose onstage despite having not spoken a full sentence to each other on this entire, terrible, date.
Group Date
There are a shitload of girls on this and I refuse to name them all. They all pile into a limo and start drinking immediately (my kind of ladies!), then head to some weird garage where apparently they will participate in a photoshoot. And leading the show as the stylist of the day is basically an Asian Mugatu from Zoolander with a blue goatee.
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| What the...I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! |
Suddenly a bunch of dogs show up and just start shitting on everything in sight. What the hell is going on here?! Ok, apparently they are taking pictures with dogs for some dog charity. You know what would be a better dog charity? Freeing that fucking cocker spaniel P.O.W back at the Bachelor Mansion.
The girls have to get in dog-related costumes and Leelee gets a fire hydrant while Kelly the “dog lover” gets painted like a giant bald turd with spots. I guess we know who pissed Chris Harrison off early. And I guess we also know who he’s been masturbating to since he wants Andi the lawyer and Elise the melting Barbie to pose naked. They both freak out, but Elise pulls a genius move and switches costumes with Leelee since she loves to be naked. So that just leaves Andi to talk to the cameras about her turmoil with nudity, snooze.
In the end Juan Pablo is the cutest and says that if Andi poses naked then he will pose naked too. YESSSS. Less talking, more JP sans ropa.
After the uneventful photo shoot the gang heads to a rooftop because, obviously. No one loves an LA rooftop quite like the Bachelor producers. I think they’re secretly hoping that one day some lovesick psycho jumps. Imagine the ratings!
JP starts with alone time with Cassandra, “Former NBA Dancer”, and we find out she has a son. Lets play which basketball star is the father! Lamar Odom would make for some great B-list tabloid dramz, so I am just going to go ahead and assume it’s him. Cassandra was all nervous to tell JP about Lamar Jr., but Juan Pablo obviously reacts wicked cute in his little pink cashmere sweater. It should be noted that Cassandra says everything like a question which makes her sound like an idiot.
Now for the good stuff. Victoria is getting shitfaced and it’s awesome. She is slurring and says that “life is about straddling people and things.” I believe that is an ancient Chinese proverb. Nikki corners her and tries to tell her to slow down and not get hammered but Victoria is not having any of it! She says she’s not even drunk, she’s just fun. Haha, I am definitely going to use that one. You go girl, let the Franzia flow!
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| She just said she gave someone the "hymen maneuver" |
Next thing we know our girl Vic tries to crash Juan Pablo and Nikki’s alone time, but when she’s in front of them she just chickens out and walks away awkwardly. She heads immediately for the bathroom where she becomes a crying mess on the floor of the handicapped stall. The amount of hangover anxiety she is going to experience tomorrow is going to be epic.
Oh shit now she is saying she wants to go home! This involves her speaking to the producers and cameramen, which I love because they never ever look how you would expect a person working on the Bachelor to look like. There is like a stoner with a Paul Bunyan beard and a clipboard telling Victoria she can’t go home right now because she doesn't have a flight and is not wearing clothes or shoes. You would think after 20-something seasons of this show he would know not to try to reason with a desperate drunk girl; that's the highway to nowhere.
Lucy decides to go tell JP that Victoria is losing her damn mind. Juan Pablo does the right thing and goes to find her, following the sounds of her crying hysterically in the bathroom. He asks if she will talk to him and she screams NO like a child. But JP continues being my favorite person ever by handling it like a gentleman and saying it’s a stressful situation and that he’s not going to judge her. Te amo, Juan Pablo. Te amo.
They do a quick goodbye and Juan Pablo gives the date rose to Kelly for being a good sport. Ugh, she sucks. Bad call Juan Pablo, but it’s probably just because you feel bad she was made to dress like poop, which is nice of you. I’ll let it go just this once.
Back at the house it’s the next day and the girls are all sitting around talking shit about Victoria and how drunk she got. Bitches. Juan shows up to talk to Victoria and she is still kind of an idiot sober, maybe she’s still drunk? We’ve all been there...right?
Anyways JP is really cute with Vic and tries to make her feel better, but she’s not really apologetic at all and acting like alcohol was no part of her actions. She actually said “maybe I did drink too much.” MAYBE?! Girl, you are loco. Juan Pablo is onto her and sends her home immediately since he can’t have someone like that around his daughter. It’s the right thing to do but so much for not judging, JP! I wouldn’t last the night in that house. Juan pablo no le gusta ir de fiesta.
Cocktail Hour
Did anyone else see the Juan Pablo M&M commercial? I loled when he said “Ay Yellow”.
Also, I know I say this every week but I will never stop complaining about how much I hate the cocktail hour. THIS SHOW IS TOO LONG.
He starts with alone time with Amy, the reporter, and she does a mock interview with him. It might actually be the most embarrassed I have ever been in my life and I can’t even talk about it.
Sharleen the opera singer is in another awesome dress! Finally some decent fashion on this program. She apologizes for being really rude when he gave her the first impression rose, and I’m glad she at least knows she was an asshole. But she is still on my shit list.
Andi looks like a young Julia Louis-Dreyfus...which may be one of the best compliments I have ever given someone. I’m obsessed with Elaine Benes and in turn that’s making me have a weird affection for Andi. I want her and Juan Pablo to have mucho bebés.
Cassandra is crying about how much she misses Lamar Jr., and while she’s wiping away her tears I notice she has acrylic french tips. I no longer care about anything that happens with her, and neither should you.
Rose Ceremony
Do the external shots of the Bachelor house always look like it’s covered in fur to anyone else??
Hey Chris Harrison, nice to see ya! Way to only show up when there’s 8 minutes of the show left. You are extra lazy this season, I see. Never change.
And the roses go to….
Cassandra - don’t care
Nikki - pediatric nurse
Andi - lawyer Elaine Benes
Elise - melting barbie who won't pose nude
Sharleen - opera singer with an attitude problem
Courtney - I think that’s her name? She’s the original single mom
Danielle - holy shit she straightened her hair and looks completely different, kind of better but also kind of more drag queen
Lucy - dirty hippy Leelee Sobieski
Allison - who?
Chelsie - dweebazoid science teacher
Lauren -no idea who this is
Kristy - no idea who this is either
So the ones going home are Amy the reporter that embarrassed me in my own home, and Chantel the Token Black Contestant #1. Told you it wouldn’t be long!
Amy is creepily cheerful in her exit interview, and I think she might be insane. Her eyes never stop smiling in a really robotic way and I am foreseeing a manic killing spree in her future. If you’re in the Orlando, Florida area watch out for that one.
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| Luckily this amazing shirt will make her easy to spot. |
Peace out bitches, nos vemos la próxima semana!
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