Bachelorette Desiree - Finale: The Last Midriff

Well tonight’s the night - shocking conclusion time in the live television event of the summer! Pretty easy to make that claim when the only other shows on this time of year are Mistresses and Devious Maids.

Yay there’s a live audience! Nothing makes me happier than the reaction shots of the crazy cat ladies that get tickets to these things. But even better - this also means extra Chris Harrison time! Who happens to be dressed tonight like Zack Morris going on a job interview. Sorry CH, The Max isn’t hiring.

Showtime!

We pick up where we left off last episode, at the end of the movie Beaches. Des seems like she has not stopped crying for 48 hours but she puts on a brave face, Real Housewives of O.C. silk maxi, and a hand-me-down necklace from Countess Luann to sit down with Chris Harrison. They devote about 10 minutes to heartbreak chatter before she finally mentions Chris and Drew. She seriously talks about them without any emotion and it’s clear that she pretty much hates them both. CH is too hungover to be a proper psychiatrist today so he just nods along with serious face.

Next the producers have a rose ceremony for Des and the people she’s not in love with. She starts by basically asking them if they want to break up with her too - nice show of confidence, Des, way to keep them on their toes. Then she hands out pity roses to Drew and Chris, which she does while sobbing and letting them know that Brooks leaving will have no effect on them. Except of course the love-less marriage one of them will be entering into, obviously.

Ooo now it’s time for Bachelor Nation to put in their two cents back in the studio with Puppet Master! WHY AREN’T I THERE?! I have so much to say! Mainly - where the fuck is Juan Pablo?!

Bachelor Nation member #1 has a bit of an eyeliner application problem. BN#2 is clearly drunk and “high on Chris.” You’d have to be high on something to wear that table cloth skirt. They all think Brooks is going to come back and that there’s no way Des ends up alone. Duh, the producers would never let that fly - no one wants to see the Bachelorette walk off into the sunset solo to begin her life with her cats and terrible artwork. Let her do that on her own time, not on our television screens.

Drew’s Date

Date time! Des really loves midriff tops, and she shows her commitment to them by wearing one while riding a horse.

That takes talent and 0% body fat.

Des and Drew ride their horses to a nice beach and Des immediately makes it clear that she is not into Drew. She tells the cameras that her lack of feelings for him are so strong that they are affecting her ability to enjoy the view! What a shame - if that’s not a reason to break up with someone on vacation then I don’t know what is.

Here come the waterworks. Des breaks up with Drew and does him the biggest favor of his life. Drew is shocked, although he doesn’t cry which is nice. Once again - Drew does something more masculine than Brooks. He does seem upset though, poor little guy.

Des says that she feels bad that she can’t love Drew the way he needs to be loved. Well, I mean, it’s kind of ridiculous to feel bad that you weren't born with a penis, Des. That’s just out of your control. Drew says he is “confused” - we’ve been waiting for you to realize that, buddy.

Drew heads home and I hope this doesn't mean that he is the next Bachelor. I mean he’s a muffin, don’t get me wrong, but I’m just about out of closeted gay man jokes. I don’t think I could make it through another season.

Chris’ Date

Next Des goes on an actual date with Chris and decides to not send him home and they get to drink on a catamaran instead. This date is boring and Des spends the whole time convincing us that she loves Chris. Not buying it. Although I will say that she SHOULD be in love with Chris, he’s perfect for her. SUCH a dork.

Just as I was falling asleep Des reminds us that Chris has to meet her family. That means her brother Nate is there! YES! Now I am wishing that this was longer than 3 hours. I can’t get enough of that convict.

So anyways it’s decided that Chris should go to meet Des’ family in their treehouse or teepee or wherever the fuck they live. Then Chris gives Des a journal...wtf Zak already did this! And I didn’t say anything but their catamaran date was done exactly before too. This whole season is like Groundhog Day with less laughs and more tears.

Chris has written all his poems in the journal. Kill me now.

Can Brooks please show up and stir things up a bit? This is so goddamn boring. Only Des could take what promised to be the most eventful season finale in Bachelorette history and make it less appealing that watching a pile of horse shit collect flies.

Back at the Studio...

Back to Bachelor Nation!  Des’ “friends” - kid sis, bratz doll, and new addition Lindsay are there along with the “happy” couple Sean and Catherine. They haven’t picked a wedding date yet...shocking. The other three have nothing productive to bring to the table and are clearly only there to catch a glimpse of Juan Pablo.

Des' Family

Now back in Antigua it’s time for Chris to meet the parents and her sweet brother Nate, who is appropriately wearing stripes like a 1940’s prisoner. The parents stay silent while Nate jumps right in and asks Chris why Des should choose him and if he ever had 2nd thoughts about her. Chris is obviously shitting his pants and overcompensating for his nerves by gesturing with his hands wildly. Smooth. You look like a fucking air traffic controller.

What do you think Nate’s blood alcohol content is right now? How many times do you think he repeated the 8th grade?

Chris sits down with Des’ dad and I can see where she gets her kid mouth from. Chris then asks for his permission to marry Des, and...I have to admit that I am kind of all about Chris right now. Is that embarrassing? He’s a really good guy and cuter than I thought he was. I’m in no way interested in him for myself, but I see the appeal.

After Chris leaves Des sits down with her brother. She is so visibly uncomfortable around him it’s hilarious. Nate is television gold - he should be the next bachelor! ABC could definitely save some money with that season - all of the dates would be at the shooting range or romantic dinners at Hooters followed by a joyride in his souped up Kia Sonata.

Anyways, Nate is worried about Des being hurt by Brooks. Des does admit to having her heart broken, and if I were Brooks this is the moment that I would promptly enter into the witness protection program. Unless he wants to be the reason for Nate’s new teardrop tattoo.

Don't mess with a man with a faux hawk and "Forever" tattoo

*Umm. I just found Nate's twitter account. I could write a entirely separate blog post on this - there is too much to say. He has a picture of himself in a wife beater baking a cake at 1am. Priceless. @nate_hartsock83 if you want to kill a few hours and be joyful.

Neil Lane time! 

He has clearly either been enjoying his tropical vacation in Antigua or falling for Joe Gorga’s Sizzle Tan marketing campaign. Homeboy is leathery. Anyways, Neil pretends to care about what Chris has to say for a few minutes and then lets him walk away with the ugliest ring on the table. There are diamond ropes involved and I am positive poetry will be engraved. Des will love it.

Where is Brooks? Time is running out! If he doesn’t show up soon I’m going to have to face the reality of this being the worst Bachelorette finale EVER and that I just wasted 3 hours of my life that I will never get back.

Engagement Ceremony

Des should be really mad at whoever taught her how to do eye makeup. She’s at like Tranny Level 10 at all times of the day or night. Also that dress not fit her! Why would they let her wear that?! At least stuff a couple of mangos in the top to fill it out. I have clearly had too much wine. That’s what you get when this shit is 3 HOURS.

Chris seems really nervous getting out of the limo. How awesome would be if he changed his mind?? Of course that doesn’t happen though and we have to listen to the longest proposal speech ever. He starts with saying that when he met her he was down on one knee and now he’s not kidding...I didn’t know what that meant until I remembered when he first met Des he made that lame joke about getting on one knee and then asking if he could tie his shoe. Jesus Christ who knew that dweebazoid would win this whole damn thing.

This proposal makes me want to barf. Chris recounts all the things they've done together (which is like 7 things) and says that her eyes light up when he reads her poetry. Des says that she was blindsided by her feelings for Brooks and that because of him she couldn't see what was right in front of her. Hmm...kinda just sounds like you want to marry whatever is in front of you, to me.

They get engaged.

Dear ABC, I hate you.

Bachelorette Desiree - Finale Part One: Can Just One Person Pronounce Antigua Right Please?

The television event recap of the summer starts...RIGHT NOW.

We start off with everyone in the Caribbean, which apparently is the setting for the “most dramatic finale in Bachelor history.” If I know anything at all about this franchise, and unfortunately I know a LOT, it’s that everyone should keep their expectations set very low. We all know these producers are just marketing geniuses with very little understanding of the meanings of the words “shocking”, “dramatic”, “exciting", or "heterosexual". Expect to have your hopes and dreams crushed at the end of these two hours.

I wonder if Drew can still use Grinder in Antigua?

Oh god, are they seriously making us watch a fucking recap?! Last episode was ALL recaps!!! We also have to watch her talk about the guys as we see all of the dates she went on and I never fully realized how annoying Chris is. Just like absolutely obnoxious.

Drew’s Date

Ok now that it’s a solid 15 minutes into the show, it’s actually time to start. Drew is up first and greets her by prancing to her in a style that would be best categorized as the Phoebe Buffet meets Richard Simmons run. And omg their date is to go exploring! Again?! How many more of these event-less dates are we going to be subjected to?? However, Des does let Drew drive the Jeep which leads me to believe Brooks chose never to drive this season because of his hurt finger. You know it's bad when Drew does something more masculine than you.

They head to some sort of festival and are buying up a bunch of souvenirs including some fancy scarves for Drew (I’m not kidding), but my favorite came from an old guy weaving palms reeds into shapes. So of course there is a rose but then he crafts them a heart and sets a rule that Drew has to give it to Des and then kiss her, but if it’s sloppy they’ve got to do it over. Haha, what kind of amazing rule is that? While they are awkwardly making out the old man keeps saying “kiss, kiss, intense” and maybe Chris Harrison was right - that was pretty amazing. Thank you, you toothless old perv, you made my night.

Next they go on a walk down a little path and Drew says “What is this, a secret garden?” Aka his favorite book. These GT's (gay tendencies) are getting totally out of control.

Later their beach picnic is washed out by the rain so they make out under an umbrella for a very long time. I am impressed with Drew's restraint to not just belt out Singin’ In The Rain show tunes right now. You know that must be hard for him. So because they have to skip dinner Des just takes him straight to the fantasy suite! Wow I did not expect that. She doesn’t even bother with the whole “let’s just talk” baloney and pretty much admits she brought him there to bone him. Drew pretends to be excited and I’m pretty sure he read a Danielle Steel novel right before this date to prepare for sexy times with a woman. He is ready to be "passionate and intimate" with these "overwhelming feelings." Sure you are.

Des says Drew makes her feel like a princess. Yea, Queens tend to do that.

This is so awkward...the cameras stay in the room for a very long time while Des and Drew sit facing each other on the bed, making out but not really touching. It’s like every girl’s first kiss at sleepaway camp. I can’t watch. Finally Drew tells them they have to leave and I think we all know Desiree got a rude awakening when their evening became slipping into their jammies, opening a bottle of rose, and watching Urban Cowboy starring a hot young John Travolta.


Back in Salt Lake City...

Brooks gets his own little segment back in Utah - fancy.  He is freaking out about the fantasy suite date and needs to talk to him mom and his sister about it. Gross. Looks like we're going to get to see Brooks experience the birds and the bees talk at age 30.

Brooks tells them that he's uncomfortable with the idea of proposing at the end of this and that he doesn't want to say he loves her. Well he's known her for like 6 weeks so thats not ridiculous. Actually he just knows her so its not ridiculous. But in all seriousness, it’s completely fine to not want to propose to someone you don’t love and it’s nice to see someone have a voice of reason in this shit show of a television empire.

Chris’ Date

Back in Antigua, Chris and Des go on a date and Des apparently has taken up crocheting because she is wearing khakis (!!) and a DISGUSTING vest that is mostly cheap yarn and fringe. I seriously cannot say enough bad things about this vest. It looks like a potholder from a Woodstock gift shop that she stole from someone’s dirty hippy granny. The rest of the date is a blur for me because all I can think about is that horrible fucking vest.

They go to dinner (sans vest) where Chris points out that they've known each other 2 months, so Des says "ok lets talk future!" I know you're probably really sick of me talking about how INSANE all this is, but I can't help it. This is insane.

Chris brings up a job opportunity that he wants to take in Seattle and I feel like these people are taking this show too seriously. Let's get this straight - your job after this show is to have fake fights in public and try to make the cover of In Touch for one more week while you’re still relevant. After that all you have to look forward to is your televised wedding and eventual break up or a lifetime of showing up randomly on the Bachelor. If you were actually worried about your career perhaps “contestant on the Bachelorette” isn’t the best addition to your resume.

Anyways - it takes Des about 20 minutes to spit out that she would move to Seattle. There is no need for this show to be 2 hours. Des gives Chris the fantasy card and he says, and I quote, "It would be a great chance to get alone time with you. And if we do I definitely want to watch the stars." If I were Des I think I would kill him in his sleep.

They go to the fantasy suite which turns out to be more of a fantasy hut, and of fucking course Chris has poetry that he wrote for this occasion. I hope it’s called “Pumped To Fuck In A Hut". It’s not so I lose interest. Then they bang in the pool.

Brooks “Date”

Here goes nothin’.

Brooks calls over Dr. Harrison for a quick unlicensed therapy session.  Puppet Master shows up in Desiree’s khakis and a very purple plaid button down with sneakers, acting kind of annoyed that he had to leave the island casino to be on camera with Brooks.

Never change, Ch. Never change.

Brooks tells CH that he's not sure if he's in love with Des and that he wants to leave.  CH tries to convince him to just go to the fantasy suite and see how he feels after - best wingman ever Puppet Master! It doesn't work though and Brooks essentially says he will never love Des. Burn. Chris Harrison/Freud asks if this could have anything to do with his parents divorce and questions if Brooks even wants to be in love. Like it’s crazy for him to possibly just not like Des. Come on CH you know better than this. Also, this chat is going on for far too long. Let’s get to the heartbreak.

Finally it’s break up time. Des put on her best silk tie dye midriff and is super excited to hang out with Brooks. They are really setting this up well by playing sound clips of Des saying how much she loves him and that she would say yes if he asked her to marry him. Note for future Bachelorettes: If all of a sudden the producers are like “ So you love so and so don’t you, it’s ok you can tell us! You would marry him right?” Choose someone else immediately because your ass is about to get DUMPED.

They sit down on a bench to talk and Des knows something bad is happening because she starts crying before he even says anything. I am surprised at how bad I feel for her - Des is boring with no social skills but she's a nice person and doesn't deserve this. Getting broken up with by someone you like a little bit in the comfort of your own home without an audience is tough - I can't imagine that going down with someone I think I love on camera. Des just focus on when he broke his finger, that will get you over this in no time.

Woah - this is intense. Touche, Chris Harrison. Tou-fucking-che. Brooks is being typically pussy and not just spitting out that he doesn’t want to be with her and Des is experiencing all of the stages of grief right before our eyes. I am glued to my screen.

Is that nail polish color called "corpse"?

Des is a full on blotchy crying mess curled up in a ball and I want to give her a hug, a huge glass of wine, and a Xanax. Omg then she brings up the time she didn't know what an adjective was and that she told him she had been running and is now at the finish line. My friend texted me immediately "Even at her lowest she can't let that metaphor go." Hahahahaha.

Ok, things are getting really bad. Brooks has basically been silent for the past 10 minutes and Des says that she loves him anyways and doesn't care that he broke her heart, she still loves him and will say it. Omg Des, stop talking, get up and walk away. Have some shots with Chris Harrison and hook up with someone else. It can be anyone, just not Drew - that’s the last thing you need right now.

Umm - did they add in those heartbeat sounds? And Brooks, stop hugging her! Oh god now they are both crying. Lets just go ahead and keep in mind that this was a 6 week long relationship. I’m not trying to condescend your feelings because I know they feel real but seriously, everyone relax.

I'll say it one more time - STOP HUGGING.

They finally part ways and Des walks down the dock to sit and cry at the end of it. My roommate says how funny would it be if she just walked straight off. Hahahaha - now THAT would be the most dramatic finale of all time.

This is such a bummer I’m going to have to watch Mean Girls after this to cheer myself up again.

Des says it’s over for her because there is no way she can love the two other men as much as they deserve. Wow then why the FUCK is next week’s episode 3 hours? Only one way to find out - see you then!

Bachelorette Desiree - Men Tell All About Stuff We Already Knew

This week it’s The Men Tell All and I bet you can cut the estrogen with a knife in the studio (and not because the audience is 99% female). I was really excited for this week since the Men Tell All is usually only one hour, but the producers decided to destroy all of our lives and make it two. This is some bullshit, fuck you Chris Harrison, I’m getting drunk.

CH finally shows up and redeems himself by thanking Bachelor Nation. Wait - did I not come up with that name? Anyways he thinks that we care about watching strangers watch the Bachelorette so we have to follow him and Des riding around ruining people’s nights. If they showed up at my viewing party I would make Des wait outside while CH and I ripped shots and talked about how much she sucks.

The adventures of Puppet Master and Kid Mouth begin with them just standing outside the window like a couple of creeps and scaring the bejesus out of the group inside. I would also like to note that these people clearly knew they were coming because the girls are dressed up with perfect hair and makeup and there are a bunch of dudes there. A real Bachelorette viewing party is all girls in sweatshirts with red wine teeth, so this was surely planned. Umm they also have “Bachelorette Gurlz Nightz” written on the chalk wall behind them. Die.

Next they go to NYC and Ashley and JP show up! Haha they are ALWAYS showing up for these kinds of things - are they really the best the producers can do? It must be because they are the only couple still together besides Trista and Ryan who are probably in nursing homes by now.

As I wrote that Jason and Molly show up. Really scraping the barrel here. Omg and Trista is there! Hope her depends hold up for the night.

Omg...the last viewing party they go to is on a party bus! I take back everything I said before about these parties being stupid. I was just jealous! How do I get invited onto this bus?? If someone who belongs to that amazing looking club is reading this, please please please send me a message. I will pay money to get on that party bus I swear to god.

Next Des sits down with Emily, Ashley and Ali for advice on how to deal with “bad boys”. Sweet, I love me some Ali Fedotowsky! So much so that I spelled that right without looking it up. But please don’t listen to any tips Ashley gives you about bad boys - she basically let Bentley take a shit on her face for ¾ of her season. Um, well luckily the girls basically give her no advice.

Girl, I love you but you need a toner. Your hair is the same color as Kelly Osbourne's.

Now it’s time for the good part (hopefully) - men chattin’ like ladies!

They introduce all the guys and James and Ben get booed - haha Bachelor Nation shows no mercy! And also has ridiculous reasons for hating people. If I were there I would stand on my chair and boo for Michael and Kasey - the true douchebags and villains of this season.

The audience is filled with girls wearing I Heart Juan Pablo t-shirts and the girls scream like crazy when Chris Harrison mentions him. Whoa, back off bitches before I go Tierra on your asses. He is MINE.

Te ves tan guapo en verde mi amor. Vamos a tener bebes. Ahora.

Zak has clearly dealt with his heartbreak by tanning.

The producers realize that we are onto Des and her kid mouth and try to convince us otherwise by having a segment in which all the guys tell the cameras how hot she is. Like we are going to suddenly think she’s cool because Crosseyed Mikey wants to bang her. So stupid.

Then they recap the whole season for us. Is this necessary??

My man Jonathan gets some screen time! You will remember him from the first night as the guy that made a homemade rape den and got sent home first before the rose ceremony. He was a blast in a glass and I’m happy he got a chance to redeem himself with the masses. Apparently it was just a joke gone horribly wrong, most likely because he was hammered. He’s actually funny and nice and if the producers had any sense of humor they would make him the next bachelor. What a gem.

Brian who had the secret crazy-eyes girlfriend didn't show up! Well that’s understandable, he probably had to stay home to make sure she went to work 2 jobs to financially support herself. Or else he will murder her. But seriously, that’s annoying - they should make the Men Tell All mandatory if you are in the cast.

Butterfly Brandon talks about how you don't hurt a woman’s feelings ever and the dork moms in the audience basically throw their Hanes Her Ways at him.

It’s Ben’s turn in the hot seat and everyone pretty much tears him apart. He is definitely a secret scum bag and would have done something sketchy eventually, but I really don’t think he did anything bad on the show unless it’s a crime to be romantically aggressive. Wait...whoa. Dan, a guy I barely remember, drops the bomb that he met Ben’s baby mama in Vegas and she said that he had his kid by cheating on his girlfriend at the time. And that he only requested custody before going on the show. I can see that - he definitely looks like a sociopath. But cut the guy some slack - this all probably stems from his childhood trauma of seeing dead people.

The guys take all this Ben talk as a chance to remind us that Juan Pablo is also a father. Boooo.

Next it’s James’ turn to sweat profusely in the hot seat and I have a feeling a few of my brain cells are going to suffer listening to this conversation. He tells the story about beautiful successful women and intimate settings that we've heard 500 times now. This is so ridiculous. Then we have to hear the whole thing again from Mikey who I seriously thought was James for the first 30 seconds of this segment. I don't know whats wrong with me that I never realized how much Mikey and James look alike. Apparently Chicago is full of tall beautiful women and short square men.

Has anyone else noticed that in all these fights Michael is heavily involved? He is hands-down the biggest douche of the season and no one is calling him out! My blood is boiling just looking at his stupid diabetes face in the corner of my screen. Then pussy Kasey joins in and I think I might flip out. Guess what Kasey, no one cares about the opinion of someone wearing a tie and sports jacket with jeans. I hate him so much and don't understand why he thinks he should have a say about any of this. I think he's just jealous Mikey and James didn't invite him on boats to intimate settings.

Haha, Kasey brought up James’ amazing comment to Michael about him jacking off when the cameras aren't on, just in case we forgot. I’m sure Michael appreciated that reminder.

Whoa Chris Harrison, please don't act like you actually care if James was there for the right reasons. You're just trying to get through this couple hours so you can get crunk and gang bang the ladies in this audience. Lets keep it real.

Yay now it’s time for Juan Pablo in the spotlight! CH says that no one has ever made such a big impression with such little screen time and you can tell an editor is going to lose their job over this. Big mistake. Huge. He is so effing cute I can’t stand it and I love how even his daughter knows that Des is the worst because she can’t pronounce Juan Pablo right. Overall he seems really nice and normal and if he’s not the next Bachelor I will lose my mind. I know I’m not alone since they show the tape of him getting sent home and there are women crying their eyes out. Seriously.

This audience needs their own show.

Ugh now it's Zak time. Juan Pablo is a hard act to follow for any guy, but especially Zak, who's still recovering from getting his wisdom teeth out. He just talks about how it’s lonely on the rig and he wants to be married and have a family and it’s super depressing. Then as if it couldn't get worse, Puppet Master makes us listen to him reading a poem from his super secret ghost writer diary written in invisible ink. I need to leave the room for a minute to wrap my head around how severely embarrassing and pathetic that segment was.

Then the only thing worse than Zak comes out. Des. She is wearing a short sparkly dress - shocking. They open by talking about the “bad boys” segment and Des makes a Cops reference and laughs hysterically at her own joke. She is the worst.

Des confronts James and says that he shouldn't have said anything about dating people since he was in a relationship with her. Whaaaa?! James says "no i wasn't, i was in a relationship with 25 other guys." I 100% agree with him, am I alone on that? This whole situation is batshit.

I don’t like Des speaking Spanish to Juan Pablo. She is embarrassing me.

Zak is officially the color of an oompa-loompa and OMG he’s going to sing a fucking song. I am horrified. I regret ever saying he was my favorite, now I just think he really wants to be a Country star. This is actually pretty rude of him to do and Des is kind of doing him a favor by allowing it. Ok it’s over...well at least it was short. CH asks Des how she feels about the song and it looks like she couldn't bring her “what to say” flashcards because she starts just throwing out phrases clearly stolen from browsing the sympathy section at Hallmark. “I hope you find peace” what the fuck?  

YES BLOOPERS! Let me remind everyone that besides red wine, bloopers are my favorite thing on the planet. This part of the season almost makes up for Des being the Bachelorette. ALMOST.

So I shouldn't have been so excited - all the bloopers show us is that they are basically all very clumsy and whoever was their set designer was super dumb and/or lazy because things were falling apart and catching on fire left and right.

I love how Chris Harrison is about to show us clips from the two part season finale and he has to preface it with “The most dramatic season finale ever...I know I've said that before but this time I mean it.” Oh CH, I know I shouldn't believe you but it hurts so good!

See you next week!