Bachelorette Desiree - Men Tell All About Stuff We Already Knew

This week it’s The Men Tell All and I bet you can cut the estrogen with a knife in the studio (and not because the audience is 99% female). I was really excited for this week since the Men Tell All is usually only one hour, but the producers decided to destroy all of our lives and make it two. This is some bullshit, fuck you Chris Harrison, I’m getting drunk.

CH finally shows up and redeems himself by thanking Bachelor Nation. Wait - did I not come up with that name? Anyways he thinks that we care about watching strangers watch the Bachelorette so we have to follow him and Des riding around ruining people’s nights. If they showed up at my viewing party I would make Des wait outside while CH and I ripped shots and talked about how much she sucks.

The adventures of Puppet Master and Kid Mouth begin with them just standing outside the window like a couple of creeps and scaring the bejesus out of the group inside. I would also like to note that these people clearly knew they were coming because the girls are dressed up with perfect hair and makeup and there are a bunch of dudes there. A real Bachelorette viewing party is all girls in sweatshirts with red wine teeth, so this was surely planned. Umm they also have “Bachelorette Gurlz Nightz” written on the chalk wall behind them. Die.

Next they go to NYC and Ashley and JP show up! Haha they are ALWAYS showing up for these kinds of things - are they really the best the producers can do? It must be because they are the only couple still together besides Trista and Ryan who are probably in nursing homes by now.

As I wrote that Jason and Molly show up. Really scraping the barrel here. Omg and Trista is there! Hope her depends hold up for the night.

Omg...the last viewing party they go to is on a party bus! I take back everything I said before about these parties being stupid. I was just jealous! How do I get invited onto this bus?? If someone who belongs to that amazing looking club is reading this, please please please send me a message. I will pay money to get on that party bus I swear to god.

Next Des sits down with Emily, Ashley and Ali for advice on how to deal with “bad boys”. Sweet, I love me some Ali Fedotowsky! So much so that I spelled that right without looking it up. But please don’t listen to any tips Ashley gives you about bad boys - she basically let Bentley take a shit on her face for ¾ of her season. Um, well luckily the girls basically give her no advice.

Girl, I love you but you need a toner. Your hair is the same color as Kelly Osbourne's.

Now it’s time for the good part (hopefully) - men chattin’ like ladies!

They introduce all the guys and James and Ben get booed - haha Bachelor Nation shows no mercy! And also has ridiculous reasons for hating people. If I were there I would stand on my chair and boo for Michael and Kasey - the true douchebags and villains of this season.

The audience is filled with girls wearing I Heart Juan Pablo t-shirts and the girls scream like crazy when Chris Harrison mentions him. Whoa, back off bitches before I go Tierra on your asses. He is MINE.

Te ves tan guapo en verde mi amor. Vamos a tener bebes. Ahora.

Zak has clearly dealt with his heartbreak by tanning.

The producers realize that we are onto Des and her kid mouth and try to convince us otherwise by having a segment in which all the guys tell the cameras how hot she is. Like we are going to suddenly think she’s cool because Crosseyed Mikey wants to bang her. So stupid.

Then they recap the whole season for us. Is this necessary??

My man Jonathan gets some screen time! You will remember him from the first night as the guy that made a homemade rape den and got sent home first before the rose ceremony. He was a blast in a glass and I’m happy he got a chance to redeem himself with the masses. Apparently it was just a joke gone horribly wrong, most likely because he was hammered. He’s actually funny and nice and if the producers had any sense of humor they would make him the next bachelor. What a gem.

Brian who had the secret crazy-eyes girlfriend didn't show up! Well that’s understandable, he probably had to stay home to make sure she went to work 2 jobs to financially support herself. Or else he will murder her. But seriously, that’s annoying - they should make the Men Tell All mandatory if you are in the cast.

Butterfly Brandon talks about how you don't hurt a woman’s feelings ever and the dork moms in the audience basically throw their Hanes Her Ways at him.

It’s Ben’s turn in the hot seat and everyone pretty much tears him apart. He is definitely a secret scum bag and would have done something sketchy eventually, but I really don’t think he did anything bad on the show unless it’s a crime to be romantically aggressive. Wait...whoa. Dan, a guy I barely remember, drops the bomb that he met Ben’s baby mama in Vegas and she said that he had his kid by cheating on his girlfriend at the time. And that he only requested custody before going on the show. I can see that - he definitely looks like a sociopath. But cut the guy some slack - this all probably stems from his childhood trauma of seeing dead people.

The guys take all this Ben talk as a chance to remind us that Juan Pablo is also a father. Boooo.

Next it’s James’ turn to sweat profusely in the hot seat and I have a feeling a few of my brain cells are going to suffer listening to this conversation. He tells the story about beautiful successful women and intimate settings that we've heard 500 times now. This is so ridiculous. Then we have to hear the whole thing again from Mikey who I seriously thought was James for the first 30 seconds of this segment. I don't know whats wrong with me that I never realized how much Mikey and James look alike. Apparently Chicago is full of tall beautiful women and short square men.

Has anyone else noticed that in all these fights Michael is heavily involved? He is hands-down the biggest douche of the season and no one is calling him out! My blood is boiling just looking at his stupid diabetes face in the corner of my screen. Then pussy Kasey joins in and I think I might flip out. Guess what Kasey, no one cares about the opinion of someone wearing a tie and sports jacket with jeans. I hate him so much and don't understand why he thinks he should have a say about any of this. I think he's just jealous Mikey and James didn't invite him on boats to intimate settings.

Haha, Kasey brought up James’ amazing comment to Michael about him jacking off when the cameras aren't on, just in case we forgot. I’m sure Michael appreciated that reminder.

Whoa Chris Harrison, please don't act like you actually care if James was there for the right reasons. You're just trying to get through this couple hours so you can get crunk and gang bang the ladies in this audience. Lets keep it real.

Yay now it’s time for Juan Pablo in the spotlight! CH says that no one has ever made such a big impression with such little screen time and you can tell an editor is going to lose their job over this. Big mistake. Huge. He is so effing cute I can’t stand it and I love how even his daughter knows that Des is the worst because she can’t pronounce Juan Pablo right. Overall he seems really nice and normal and if he’s not the next Bachelor I will lose my mind. I know I’m not alone since they show the tape of him getting sent home and there are women crying their eyes out. Seriously.

This audience needs their own show.

Ugh now it's Zak time. Juan Pablo is a hard act to follow for any guy, but especially Zak, who's still recovering from getting his wisdom teeth out. He just talks about how it’s lonely on the rig and he wants to be married and have a family and it’s super depressing. Then as if it couldn't get worse, Puppet Master makes us listen to him reading a poem from his super secret ghost writer diary written in invisible ink. I need to leave the room for a minute to wrap my head around how severely embarrassing and pathetic that segment was.

Then the only thing worse than Zak comes out. Des. She is wearing a short sparkly dress - shocking. They open by talking about the “bad boys” segment and Des makes a Cops reference and laughs hysterically at her own joke. She is the worst.

Des confronts James and says that he shouldn't have said anything about dating people since he was in a relationship with her. Whaaaa?! James says "no i wasn't, i was in a relationship with 25 other guys." I 100% agree with him, am I alone on that? This whole situation is batshit.

I don’t like Des speaking Spanish to Juan Pablo. She is embarrassing me.

Zak is officially the color of an oompa-loompa and OMG he’s going to sing a fucking song. I am horrified. I regret ever saying he was my favorite, now I just think he really wants to be a Country star. This is actually pretty rude of him to do and Des is kind of doing him a favor by allowing it. Ok it’s over...well at least it was short. CH asks Des how she feels about the song and it looks like she couldn't bring her “what to say” flashcards because she starts just throwing out phrases clearly stolen from browsing the sympathy section at Hallmark. “I hope you find peace” what the fuck?  

YES BLOOPERS! Let me remind everyone that besides red wine, bloopers are my favorite thing on the planet. This part of the season almost makes up for Des being the Bachelorette. ALMOST.

So I shouldn't have been so excited - all the bloopers show us is that they are basically all very clumsy and whoever was their set designer was super dumb and/or lazy because things were falling apart and catching on fire left and right.

I love how Chris Harrison is about to show us clips from the two part season finale and he has to preface it with “The most dramatic season finale ever...I know I've said that before but this time I mean it.” Oh CH, I know I shouldn't believe you but it hurts so good!

See you next week!