Greetings!
It’s the week we have all been waiting for - Hometown Dates! I am so excited, but also saddened that this is the one episode of the season that doesn’t start out with Chris Harrison. I miss ya buddy.
Zak’s House
We start off in Dallas with Zak, who waits for Des while he is drawing in a gazebo. Ugh, he looks like a pussy with that sketch book. I can’t get over it until Des shows up and steals the hate thunder by wearing a cropped teal leather jacket with matching stud earrings and eyeshadow.
Zak starts telling Des about a dream he had about them and he seriously sounds special. Something about sand melting and then eating it? Wtf? Also, there is nothing more annoying than having someone tell you about their dream. It didn’t really happen and therefore no one cares. It’s even more annoying when that person is as enthusiastic about their lame dream as Zak is. You better pull it together Zak or my new favorite is going to be Poetry Chris. I can’t believe I just said that. I hate this season.
Zak tells Des he will be right back and runs off, including a jump over a fence that is so amazing I had to videotape it for you:
Zak don’t worry you're still on my good side you crazy acrobat.
So anyways, Zak comes back driving a snow cone machine. What? His family owns a snow cone business? Was this supposed to tie into the melted sand dream? Are there a bunch of kids running up to this? How did he get all those kids’ parents to agree to this? Is he making Des work out of a food truck now? Is Zak dressed up in a penguin mascot costume? Did Des really just kiss him with that on? Is Chris officially my new favorite? Am I really drunk right now? So many questions. All of the answers are yes.
 |
| Apparently me and Billy Madison have a lot in common. |
Next they close up the snow cone shop and roll up to his parents house where we meet Zak’s family and now I get where his “specialness” comes from. I’m pretty sure this whole crew is on about one pound of cocaine each, mixed with prozac and fairy dust. Jesus Christ just watching these people makes me tired.
Zak’s mom looks like if the mom from Home Improvement and Lynn Spears had a baby in the bathroom at prom. Lady is cray. However, Zak’s dad is a silver fox and his brother and sister are both hot, so clearly Zak got his Quasimodo looks from his mom. Or as my roommate so perfectly said - “Zak’s face looks like someone threw a bag of teeth into his mouth.” Hahaha. Aww poor guy.
Des appears to be drinking a dark and stormy out of a red wine glass. Classy. She sits down with Zak’s sister Carly which isn't notable except for the fact that she has a mannequin in her room styled in a white silk camisole, pink jacket, and faux fur vest. Congratulations Carly on your acceptance to the University of Phoenix fashion program!
Uh oh...Zak just whipped out a guitar and they’re going to do a family sing along! NOOOO. End this date NOW. I am so uncomfortable I can’t watch. Imagine dating someone and the first time you meet his family his siblings sing at you. Des of course cries and eats this shit up with a snow cone spoon, that psycho.
Finally Zak and Des sit in the backyard and I can’t help but notice a cauldron in the background. Zak tells her he has something to give to her, then whips out a diamond ring and tells her he loves her. Gross. Des doesn’t seem too enthused so things aren’t looking good for Penguin Zak.
Drew’s House
Next we visit Drew in Scottsdale and this entire date was just too much for me. Drew is just like, 100% homosexual. There is no doubt about it and it’s actually just sad that he's in such denial. Just be gay, Drew! You are hot and really sweet and could have any guy you want. Live your life, girl!
Some highlights:
- Des arrives wearing a shirt the same color as thick old lady stockings and Drew tells her she looks “adorable”
- Drew tells his family about how he felt the moment he met Desiree and says he was stammering and nervous since she was wearing such a beautiful dress.
- He tells Des he loves her and it is the least romantic thing I have ever seen. Its exactly how I drunkenly say I love you to my best friends. “Omg, I just love you soo much! Its like crazy how much I love you. I never get sick of you! Want to lay in my bed and order food and watch a Lifetime Movie Marathon?” The last sentence he didn't say but he was thinking it.
Chris’ House
Next we head to McMinnville, Oregon to hang with Chris. He waits for Des while picking wildflowers in a forest. Kill me now. Des shows up wearing a tank top and cardigan that are the same length - Jesus Christ, stop it Des! That looks stupid and it’s the 2nd time this episode you've pulled that shit! And what the fuck do you have on your feet?? Did Bratz doll Jackie leave behind some sketchers swag when she came to visit? They look like dinner rolls. You have a stylist and a clothing allowance! Gahhhh!!!!
So anyways. First they head to a baseball diamond where Chris makes Des play catch and it’s super boring. Then apparently Desiree gets confused about who goes with what lame shtick because she whips out a sketch pad where she has a bunch of crappy drawings chronicling their time together. Hello? Zak is sketch pads, Chris is poetry. It can’t be that hard to keep straight. P.S. her drawings are horrifically bad.
 |
| You spelled "rendezvous" wrong, Des. Fucking idiot. |
The best part about being on the Bachelorette is not having to clean up after your picnics.
They go to Chris’s house and meet his fam. Des tells a story about jumping into the ocean and hurting her back, so Chris’ dad thinks that since he’s a chiropractor it would be completely normal to wrap his meat hook hands all over Des in his creepy dungeon office. He even puts on a white doctor’s coat for the occasion and I am getting some serious beginning of the Hand That Rocks The Cradle vibes. Good thing they have that camera crew there. Then Chris thinks that it’s a good time to have a heart to heart with his dad while he jams balloons up Chris’ nose for a “nose adjustment” while we have to watch his face covered in boogers. While they super casually talk about his feelings for Des. Disgusting. That’s something you can’t unsee.
Chris’ mom took the day off from being an extra on Designing Women to sit down and get to know Des. She doesn't seem too into the whole process and gives Des a little bit of a hard time which is nice to see.
Chris’ sister is busta busted and also kind of a bitch.
I really miss Chris Harrison right now. Where is he? I bet he’s whoring around LA having a blast while we have to watch this bullshit. The rest of this date is so boring it’s not worth recapping except that Chris tells Des that he loves her. Blech.
Brooks’ House
Next we go to Utah to see Brooks’ hometown of Salt Lake City. Brooks is wearing cropped tight jeans and I throw up in my mouth. They have a picnic in the park and crack open a bottle of wine, which I’m pretty sure is a big no-no in Utah. Reasons why I could never visit Utah: 1) Brooks 2) not pro alcohol.*
*Exception and reason I would visit Utah: Jef Holm.
Brooks is telling Des that right now he likes her, but he’s concerned since he doesn’t have more time to get to know her. What a mature and realistic point of view. Fineeee, Brooks gets ONE point.
OMG Des has written out all of her favorite moments with Brooks which is super lame to begin with, but even more so since the list has been folded into a rose, Jr High note style. She even starts writing in the corner so all the words form a triangle. Seriously Des? Act your age not your mouth. One of the memories on the list is when Brooks broke his finger because he was “so adorable” even though he was in so much pain. I wouldn't exactly call a grown man passing out from pain and having to be hooked up to an oxygen tank from a broken finger “adorable.” I would call it something more like “manhood stripping pathetic,” but it’s pretty obvious by now that Des and I don't see eye to eye on most things.
Of course like 10 of these memories are about the fucking clouds.
Next they abandon the picnic to go to Brooks’ house where we find out he is a Duggar. He has like 18 siblings and all of them are wearing nametags! They give her a huge group hug which looks fun on tv but was probably horrible for Des in real life. I thought this date would be exciting but nothing else really happens except that Brooks wears a fucking cardigan and lies to his mom about liking Desiree.
Back in LA...
Those hometowns were very disappointing. Luckily it’s time for Des’ brother / professional life ruiner Nate to stop by. Yessss!!! He’s the only man I’ve seen in the past 2 hours.
Des and Nate talk about the best day of my life when Nate met Sean Lowe and destroyed his sister’s chance at albino prank love. Nate has no regrets about it - haha this loose cannon could steal the show! Listening to Nate talk, I keep expecting Dan and Roseanne Connor to jump up from behind the couch. He is super classy.
 |
| You could cut the tension with a knife. Like the one in Nate's sock. Or the one in his back pocket, or the one in his hand right now. |
Whoaaa, Nate’s fingernails are unnacceptable.
Their meeting is comically short and you can tell Des hates / is terrified of him and the producers made this interaction happen. Her brother sounds like someone handed him an index card with what to say on it. Which was pointless since obviously Nate can’t read. Just kidding Nate please don’t kill me.
Chris Harrison Time!
Des put on a sassy sequined dress from Charlotte Russe to sit down with Puppet Master and talk about the hometowns. She says that she wants Brooks or Chris to propose. Brooks is the only one that hasnt said he loves her so my prediction of Chris winning is lookin good!
CH meets the guys at the hotel and walks them to the rose ceremony. It’s a weird segment that they don’t usually show and I am confused until we see little Nate murderously lurking behind a pillar in the lobby! What a gem. I knew he was trouble when he walked in...
Rose Ceremony
This will take us down to 3 which means next week will be fantasy suite time! Even though Zak is ridiculous I hope she lets Drew go so he can spread his butterfly wings all over some dick. And the roses go to...
Brooks
Chris
Drew!
What is WRONG with Des’ gaydar?! This is crazy. Poor Zak is the only one that I think really liked her! Now he has to take back his cubic zirconia promise ring and head home alone to drown his sorrows in spray tans and snow cones. See ya on the Pad, brotha.
Oooo next week is the Men Tell All! We get to see Juan Pablo again! Estoy tan emocionada de ver a continuación! Adios!
No comments:
Post a Comment