Bachelorette Desiree - Finale Part One: Can Just One Person Pronounce Antigua Right Please?

The television event recap of the summer starts...RIGHT NOW.

We start off with everyone in the Caribbean, which apparently is the setting for the “most dramatic finale in Bachelor history.” If I know anything at all about this franchise, and unfortunately I know a LOT, it’s that everyone should keep their expectations set very low. We all know these producers are just marketing geniuses with very little understanding of the meanings of the words “shocking”, “dramatic”, “exciting", or "heterosexual". Expect to have your hopes and dreams crushed at the end of these two hours.

I wonder if Drew can still use Grinder in Antigua?

Oh god, are they seriously making us watch a fucking recap?! Last episode was ALL recaps!!! We also have to watch her talk about the guys as we see all of the dates she went on and I never fully realized how annoying Chris is. Just like absolutely obnoxious.

Drew’s Date

Ok now that it’s a solid 15 minutes into the show, it’s actually time to start. Drew is up first and greets her by prancing to her in a style that would be best categorized as the Phoebe Buffet meets Richard Simmons run. And omg their date is to go exploring! Again?! How many more of these event-less dates are we going to be subjected to?? However, Des does let Drew drive the Jeep which leads me to believe Brooks chose never to drive this season because of his hurt finger. You know it's bad when Drew does something more masculine than you.

They head to some sort of festival and are buying up a bunch of souvenirs including some fancy scarves for Drew (I’m not kidding), but my favorite came from an old guy weaving palms reeds into shapes. So of course there is a rose but then he crafts them a heart and sets a rule that Drew has to give it to Des and then kiss her, but if it’s sloppy they’ve got to do it over. Haha, what kind of amazing rule is that? While they are awkwardly making out the old man keeps saying “kiss, kiss, intense” and maybe Chris Harrison was right - that was pretty amazing. Thank you, you toothless old perv, you made my night.

Next they go on a walk down a little path and Drew says “What is this, a secret garden?” Aka his favorite book. These GT's (gay tendencies) are getting totally out of control.

Later their beach picnic is washed out by the rain so they make out under an umbrella for a very long time. I am impressed with Drew's restraint to not just belt out Singin’ In The Rain show tunes right now. You know that must be hard for him. So because they have to skip dinner Des just takes him straight to the fantasy suite! Wow I did not expect that. She doesn’t even bother with the whole “let’s just talk” baloney and pretty much admits she brought him there to bone him. Drew pretends to be excited and I’m pretty sure he read a Danielle Steel novel right before this date to prepare for sexy times with a woman. He is ready to be "passionate and intimate" with these "overwhelming feelings." Sure you are.

Des says Drew makes her feel like a princess. Yea, Queens tend to do that.

This is so awkward...the cameras stay in the room for a very long time while Des and Drew sit facing each other on the bed, making out but not really touching. It’s like every girl’s first kiss at sleepaway camp. I can’t watch. Finally Drew tells them they have to leave and I think we all know Desiree got a rude awakening when their evening became slipping into their jammies, opening a bottle of rose, and watching Urban Cowboy starring a hot young John Travolta.


Back in Salt Lake City...

Brooks gets his own little segment back in Utah - fancy.  He is freaking out about the fantasy suite date and needs to talk to him mom and his sister about it. Gross. Looks like we're going to get to see Brooks experience the birds and the bees talk at age 30.

Brooks tells them that he's uncomfortable with the idea of proposing at the end of this and that he doesn't want to say he loves her. Well he's known her for like 6 weeks so thats not ridiculous. Actually he just knows her so its not ridiculous. But in all seriousness, it’s completely fine to not want to propose to someone you don’t love and it’s nice to see someone have a voice of reason in this shit show of a television empire.

Chris’ Date

Back in Antigua, Chris and Des go on a date and Des apparently has taken up crocheting because she is wearing khakis (!!) and a DISGUSTING vest that is mostly cheap yarn and fringe. I seriously cannot say enough bad things about this vest. It looks like a potholder from a Woodstock gift shop that she stole from someone’s dirty hippy granny. The rest of the date is a blur for me because all I can think about is that horrible fucking vest.

They go to dinner (sans vest) where Chris points out that they've known each other 2 months, so Des says "ok lets talk future!" I know you're probably really sick of me talking about how INSANE all this is, but I can't help it. This is insane.

Chris brings up a job opportunity that he wants to take in Seattle and I feel like these people are taking this show too seriously. Let's get this straight - your job after this show is to have fake fights in public and try to make the cover of In Touch for one more week while you’re still relevant. After that all you have to look forward to is your televised wedding and eventual break up or a lifetime of showing up randomly on the Bachelor. If you were actually worried about your career perhaps “contestant on the Bachelorette” isn’t the best addition to your resume.

Anyways - it takes Des about 20 minutes to spit out that she would move to Seattle. There is no need for this show to be 2 hours. Des gives Chris the fantasy card and he says, and I quote, "It would be a great chance to get alone time with you. And if we do I definitely want to watch the stars." If I were Des I think I would kill him in his sleep.

They go to the fantasy suite which turns out to be more of a fantasy hut, and of fucking course Chris has poetry that he wrote for this occasion. I hope it’s called “Pumped To Fuck In A Hut". It’s not so I lose interest. Then they bang in the pool.

Brooks “Date”

Here goes nothin’.

Brooks calls over Dr. Harrison for a quick unlicensed therapy session.  Puppet Master shows up in Desiree’s khakis and a very purple plaid button down with sneakers, acting kind of annoyed that he had to leave the island casino to be on camera with Brooks.

Never change, Ch. Never change.

Brooks tells CH that he's not sure if he's in love with Des and that he wants to leave.  CH tries to convince him to just go to the fantasy suite and see how he feels after - best wingman ever Puppet Master! It doesn't work though and Brooks essentially says he will never love Des. Burn. Chris Harrison/Freud asks if this could have anything to do with his parents divorce and questions if Brooks even wants to be in love. Like it’s crazy for him to possibly just not like Des. Come on CH you know better than this. Also, this chat is going on for far too long. Let’s get to the heartbreak.

Finally it’s break up time. Des put on her best silk tie dye midriff and is super excited to hang out with Brooks. They are really setting this up well by playing sound clips of Des saying how much she loves him and that she would say yes if he asked her to marry him. Note for future Bachelorettes: If all of a sudden the producers are like “ So you love so and so don’t you, it’s ok you can tell us! You would marry him right?” Choose someone else immediately because your ass is about to get DUMPED.

They sit down on a bench to talk and Des knows something bad is happening because she starts crying before he even says anything. I am surprised at how bad I feel for her - Des is boring with no social skills but she's a nice person and doesn't deserve this. Getting broken up with by someone you like a little bit in the comfort of your own home without an audience is tough - I can't imagine that going down with someone I think I love on camera. Des just focus on when he broke his finger, that will get you over this in no time.

Woah - this is intense. Touche, Chris Harrison. Tou-fucking-che. Brooks is being typically pussy and not just spitting out that he doesn’t want to be with her and Des is experiencing all of the stages of grief right before our eyes. I am glued to my screen.

Is that nail polish color called "corpse"?

Des is a full on blotchy crying mess curled up in a ball and I want to give her a hug, a huge glass of wine, and a Xanax. Omg then she brings up the time she didn't know what an adjective was and that she told him she had been running and is now at the finish line. My friend texted me immediately "Even at her lowest she can't let that metaphor go." Hahahahaha.

Ok, things are getting really bad. Brooks has basically been silent for the past 10 minutes and Des says that she loves him anyways and doesn't care that he broke her heart, she still loves him and will say it. Omg Des, stop talking, get up and walk away. Have some shots with Chris Harrison and hook up with someone else. It can be anyone, just not Drew - that’s the last thing you need right now.

Umm - did they add in those heartbeat sounds? And Brooks, stop hugging her! Oh god now they are both crying. Lets just go ahead and keep in mind that this was a 6 week long relationship. I’m not trying to condescend your feelings because I know they feel real but seriously, everyone relax.

I'll say it one more time - STOP HUGGING.

They finally part ways and Des walks down the dock to sit and cry at the end of it. My roommate says how funny would it be if she just walked straight off. Hahahaha - now THAT would be the most dramatic finale of all time.

This is such a bummer I’m going to have to watch Mean Girls after this to cheer myself up again.

Des says it’s over for her because there is no way she can love the two other men as much as they deserve. Wow then why the FUCK is next week’s episode 3 hours? Only one way to find out - see you then!