Bachelorette Desiree - Episode Seven: A Walk On Cloud Nine Atlas With A Chance Of Meatballs

Oh hi.

This week the group is in Madeira which is a really pretty island off the coast of Spain. There are only 4 guys left and not a single one of them is interesting.

I still haven't gotten over the loss of Juan Pablo. I feel like we never really got to know him and that makes me muy triste. But in order to get through this season I need to root for someone so I have chosen Zak, since in a shocking twist he has turned out to be least douchey.

Drew says “if you can't fall in love in a place like this you better check your pulse.” Sadly this kind of statement is nothing new. What is with the insistence of Bachelor franchise stars to credit location with falling in love?

OMG Des invited “friends” from last season! We’ve got Catherine (the most boring bachelor Sean’s fiance), kid sister Leslie, and I shit you not - Bratz Doll Jackie. Who’s holding down the fort at Skechers?! Their reunion includes a lot of squealing and talking about “much needed girl time.” Barf. Catherine gets us up to speed on her relationship with Sean and says that she wanted a best friend and he wanted a best friend and thats what they are to each other. Translation: They are not having sex and will be broken up within 3 months.

Oops apparently there are 5 guys left. That’s how little I care - I have lost the will to count to five.

The girls ask Des the hard hitting questions about the guys - best kisser, most athletic, best eyes...and biggest dick? Haha I have missed Catherine, that firecracker. Des says she think the biggest dick belongs to Chris, so ladies and gentlemen we have the winner of this season. She also says he’s the most athletic, so if you didn’t think his big alleged dick was enough then that should really lock it down for you. Seriously, there is no need to watch any further. Chris wins. If I am wrong I will pay each of you $5. (just kidding)

Brooks Date

Brooks gets the first date and I am not excited.  Des clearly found a 5-7-9 on the island of Madeira and put together a slammin outfit.  She drives Brooks up a mountain and does anyone else have a problem with the fact that Des is always the driver? I feel like driving is kind of a masculine activity, no? Not that girls shouldn’t get behind the wheel but if I were Des it would be very important to me to make sure the guy I might end up engaged to doesn't drive like a pussy. Which Brooks most certainly does. How much do you want to bet if his hands were on the wheel they would be at 10 and 2?

They drive out to a ridge on top of the mountain and are literally in the clouds. It’s cool until the “cloud nine” and “walking on clouds” puns get out of control and I really want them both to fall over the cliff. Bring back Juan Pablo! I would seriously watch 10 hours of Juan Pablo trying to pronounce “yodeler” over one more second of Brooks on my screen. Their date consists pretty much of them talking about how cool the date is and also how they need to figure out if they love or like each other. This is their 2nd date. Their first date was spent entirely in wedding attire. These two desperados are a match made in crazy heaven.

Jump! The clouds will catch you!

Ugh then Brooks says that things are easy with Des since he doesn't have to stress about if he can put his hand on her leg in the car. This leads Des to say that she can see him as her husband. I can’t. I just can’t anymore.

The cloud comments won’t stop! “It feels good to be lost on cloud 9 with you.” - Brooks, talking in what sounds like Third Eye Blind lyrics. My roommate just said that we should have made a game to drink every time someone said “cloud.” That would have been fun but I seriously would have been passed out on my keyboard by now.

Meanwhile at the house we find out that Poetry Slam Chris gets the next one on one date. I swear to god if he makes us listen to his Jr High poetry again I am going to scream.

Back on Brooks’ date they are at dinner where he asks Des if she has thought of adjectives to describe the differences between like and love. Was this a homework assignment or something? What kind of question is that? Anyways, I am pretty sure Des does not know what an adjective is because she says the stages of dating are “walking, skipping, jogging, running and then the finish line.” Four verbs and a noun...someone obviously didn’t play enough MadLibs.

Brooks asks her what stage she’s in now and Des says she is running. Brooks then tells the cameras that he’s not there yet. Rut roh.

They finish the date outside and we see that Des’ skirt is from Express - are you fucking kidding me?! You’re on television not going to a high school dance.  Also have these two never seen fireworks before? Keep your pants on.

Chris’ Date

Des shows up for her date with Poetry Slam in a dress that looks like she got on clearance at Rainbow. The guys watch them leave from their balcony and freak out about Chris holding Des’ hand. How are these men real.

Their date is to go on a siiiick yacht and I am very jealous. They just chill and drink and it looks like best day ever. Back at the house Michael gets the last 1 on 1 date card. Looks like we are in for a long night of diabetes facts and legal jargon.

Next Chris and Des have lunch on an island and of course PS announces that they are going to write a message in a bottle, only the message will be a poem written by both of them. Oh god. It starts with “Experiences we share together keep the memories close to heart.” I want to jump out of a window. Des’ brother is going to kick this guys ass if he makes it to meet her family.

After I throw up the contents of my stomach, we move on to the dinner portion of the evening where I decide Chris isn’t really as bad as I thought he was. He’s kinda nice and normal. I mean he writes way too much poetry and is planning on telling Des he loves her so he obviously needs help, but he’s harmless and somewhat normal for Bachelorette standards. Wait...oh god...is he reading her another poem? No no no no no no no. Ahhhh it’s long! At the end he says I love you, they make out and I puke some more. Here’s a poem for Des:

You ruined my favorite show

I wish you were more of a hoe

You’re boring as hell and it makes me want to yell

FUCK YOU BRING JUAN PABLO BACK!

Ok so that didn’t rhyme as well as their poetry did but I think I got my point across.

Michael’s Date

Des does her signature move and plans nothing. This date is to “walk around town.” In past seasons the “explore with no plan” date happens once, mayyyybe twice. I dont know whats going on this season that the producers are allowing such normal dates but I don't like it. I miss the days of getting drunk before performing death defying stunts followed by a candlelit dinner in a human sized snowglobe.

Michael’s clothes on this date at least prove that he is definitely not gay...homeboy’s outfit is AWFUL. Green plaid shirt and dark khakis - he might as well be wearing a visor. They walk around the town (obvi) and then take a weird straw toboggan down a huge hill where Des makes the most terrible noise I have ever heard. It’s a weird giggle woo yell and I had to mute my tv until it was over.

It's a shame you can't see his belt buckle cell phone clip and Tivas.

Later at dinner they talk about Michael’s dad not being around and we find out that they don’t talk to each other anymore because he wouldn't help pay for his hospital visits for his diabetes. Yea, Edward McGill was always kind of a dick.

The date ends with Michael talks about getting his heart broken. I think? I was on the phone and not paying attention. I thought about rewinding but then decided I really don't care and neither should you.

Two on One Date

The producers are doing a piss poor job of trying to shake things up by having a 2nd two on one date with Zak and Drew. It’s extra stupid because there is a rose, but whoever doesn’t get one doesn't have to go home, so there is no point.

They go go-karting and of course Drew turns it into a metaphor about the speed and rush of falling in love. Jesus take the wheel.

Zak wins the race, yay! This means he gets the first alone time with Des. He brought a sketchbook...with sketches chronicling their time together that look like they were done by a 5 year old...but its ok because its funny! I hope Zak realizes how many of my beliefs I am compromising by allowing him to be my new favorite.

The flirting that is happening between Des and Drew....I have no words. The only person more uncomfortable than Drew is the American public forced to watch this. Drew ends up talking a lot of game about Des meeting his family and I have a terrible feeling he’s going to get the rose over Zak.

I was going to only have one glass of wine tonight but after watching Des and Drew make out I need another. I was pouring right as Des gave the rose to Drew - perfect timing since they showed a glimpse of Zak when he didn’t get the rose and it made my heart hurt a little. I need alcohol to drown my sorrow. What is happening to me?!

Rose Ceremony

No cocktail again due to budget cuts and a super lame bachelorette.

Chris Harrison finally shows up! Has he been in Madeira this whole time?? Seriously, how do I get his job. He looks like he smoked a few joints with the locals today. I love him.

Des tells Puppet Master that shes in love with Brooks! What?! This has never happened before. I thought it was a rule that they couldn't say that before the end...? This leads me to believe that the producers are orchestrating a situation where Brooks leaves voluntarily and breaks her heart. The foreshadowing for this already happened when he said he wasn’t yet at the “running” verb of their “relationship.” Brooks will choose to leave next episode, mark my words. If that happens you all have to give me $5 because that is a ballsy prediction that will be awesome if I’m right. Shake on it? Yes? Ok!

Whoa, two seconds later she says she is falling in love with Chris too. I didn’t know your heart could also be a whore.

And the roses go to...

Brooks

Chris

Zak

This meeting of the Babysitter’s Club has now come to an end because Stacy McGill is headed back to Stonybrook. He holds it together pretty well until he calls his mom from the limo, who is so sweet he goes into diabetic shock.

Next week - Hometown Dates! This will be the best episode of the season. Be excited. Des’s crazy brother shows up! He is terrifying and Brooks will probably crap his pants as soon as he sees him. Can’t wait see you then!!!