Bachelor Pad Finale: Two Winners One Cup...I Mean Check

Well friends, we have finally come to the finale of the television masterpiece, Bachelor Pad 3.  My feelings are mixed - I will miss the feeling of maturity and accomplishment I get at 10pm Monday nights, but if I have to see Jaclyn’s face one more time or make another STD joke I might die of alcohol poisoning.  So it is with bittersweet emotions that we take in these last two hours of inbreds, drunks, magicians, and Hooters employees.  Lets get started!

Everyone from this season is back and sitting together on stage.  Wow I completely forgot about SWAD!  Woah and Reid.  And Paige.  And Ryan.

Jamie looks like she just came from starring as an extra in the 1970’s porn version of Cleopatra.  She is wearing a diamond headdress, huge earrings, and has gems actually glued to her face.  What was she wearing before she applied the old “take one thing off before you leave the house” rule?  A venetian mask?

Now I understand how Claire's stays in business.

 
I am disappointed in how much of the time is being used for recap clips.  We all saw all this already!  I want to hear about what's going on with Kalon and Lindzi!  And Michael and Rachel!  And if Ed and Jaclyn have broken their rule and had sexual relations outside the boundaries of the Bachelor Pad house!  What I don’t need is to see Tony crying again and Blakely telling the world if she doesn’t get a rose she’s going to be “an emotional banana sandwich”.  

Speaking of Ed, I have a confession to make.  I am totally obsessed with him.  I think he’s hot and funny and cool.  I have made fun of him so much because I have been ashamed, but its time I admitted the truth: I would date Ed.  I really would.  It feels good to get that off my chest.

Every move you make...every shot you take...I'll be loving you

Moving on.

Chris Harrison says that Kalon and Lindzi have “a beautiful relationship”.  Truer words have never been spoken, and I thank you Chris Harrison for your eloquence. But then Erica comes along and trashes up this special moment by saying she has seen Kalon around the “Houston social scene” holding hands with other girls.  Kalon says they are just friends but you can tell by Lindzi’s face that this is not good news.  Ugh, Erica shits on everything. Literally.

Next they move onto Michael, who is displaying some seeeerious GT’s throughout this entire episode. Lots of talking like a girl and hand motions. Then they show a clip I don’t remember of Michael telling Erica that he can’t see himself dating Rachel after the show is over.  Whaaaaa?!  Apparently after the show Michael stopped talking to Rachel and totally dissed her!  Not cool, Stagliano.  I thought making a sex bed on the floor next to an acoustic guitar meant forever, and apparently so did Rachel Two Chins, who Jaclyn tells us is devastated.  God, Rachel cried for days when she thought she would be back together with Michael in a couple weeks, can you imagine how distraught she must have been after he completely ignored her? Its like she had to deal with his death all over again! I wonder if she is going to come to this reunion in a black veil.  I bet Jamie has one in her car she can borrow.

Now its Jaclyn’s turn in the hot seat.  I am so happy this is the last I will be seeing of her face for at the very least a few months and at the very best the rest of my life.  Ironically they don’t ask her about what’s been happening with her and Ed...WTF producers why would you skip that? Instead they focus on how Jaclyn thought she was going to win the competition?  Everyone says that!  This is a waste of my time.  The only interesting thing that happens is Jaclyn says that she was the puppet master of the house and a dark cloud forms over Chris Harrison’s face.

Next its Blakely’s turn to be asked the tough questions.  She is sporting a brand new arm sleeve tattoo while saying that she came on Bachelor Pad to get her life back on track and to be able to afford cable.  That is truly the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life.  Then she says that her and Tony are very much still together, and that he is “honest, very loyal, genuine, precautious, less assertive and aggressive, and domesticated.”  So basically she is dating a housecat.

Out of nowhere Jamie and Blakely get into a fight.  That’s...random.  Why does Blakely hate Jamie?  Being mad at Jamie is like being mad at a canteloup. Which actually sometimes I do get mad at because that shit fucks up fruit salad every single time. Goddamn filler fruit.  Anyways, Jamie and Blakely are yelling at each other and I’m feeling kind of bad for Jamie until she suddenly is wicked mean to poor Virgin Ryan!  Wtf? What did he ever do to you besides be the best gay husband ever and make you a cake and put candy in your bed on your birthday?  I’m on Blakely’s side now because Jamie, you’re an asshole and I’m glad Inbred played your over-accessorised ass.  Skank.

So now we have moved on to Blakely talking about how great Tony is again, and Tony keeps being wicked creepy and looking at the camera while close-lipped smiling and nodding.  Quit it, Tony!  Stop staring at me with your gorgeous lashes!  They have a big announcement to make and I am assuming they are engaged, but then its just that they are moving in together.  BORING.  Oh wait...Tony is giving Blakely a speech...he’s reaching into his coat pocket...he gets down on one knee...Jesus H Christ.  This too soon proposal is brought to you by Neil Lane.

Is that nipple tape I'm seeing?

 
Jaclyn has a very hairy face and Ed is dressed like he owns a funeral parlor.  A sexy funeral parlor.  And I would just like to note that Ed has not spoken once this entire show.  I finally admit my love for him and they give me nothing.

Finally they bring out the final four!  Sarah’s face looks...not good.  It looks like she aged 20 years then got a facelift and botox to get back to her early 40’s.  She’s being all kissy with Inbred and its gross.

Rachel however looks slammin, which I’m happy about since Michael is right there.  She immediately opens with saying there is relationship stuff that needs to be discussed. I love that she’s letting us all watch this! I am hoping she tells Michael she is dating someone new and that he can suck it, but of course the exact opposite happens and these words come out of her mouth: “You were really into me and I’m not making that up in my head.”  Nice one Rach, guys love to be told how much they like you and its an extra bonus when you add in that you’re totally not crazy.  Smooth.  Tiny Tim Stagliano will be putty in your hands by the end of this night.

So then it comes out that Michael’s big excuse for not wanting to date Rachel was that he didn’t want to do long distance, which would be reasonable except for the fact that he is now long-distance dating someone in Chicago. So I guess that means he quit the Olive Garden and is now picking up shifts at Uno’s.  

Chris Harrison finally decides to acknowledge Nick’s presence, and says he is talking to him just to prove he is on the show.  Haha.  Nick looks especially muppet-like tonight and has absolutely nothing to say.

Excuse me, why are there 12 year old girls in this audience?  Get them out of there before they get the herp!

Yay time to rip into Inbred Chris!  Jafar says that the whole Blakely/Jamie thing was tough for him because his family now hates him.  His dad just doesn't understand how a product of him and his own sister could breed such evil.  Wow, even apologising Chris manages to be a massive toolbag, taking the Ben’s Courtney route and saying that “the game got ahold of him” and basically not admitting that he’s just an asshole.  But then Jamie all of a sudden grows a spine and delivers a pretty good insult by telling him that its good Emily didn’t pick him because he wouldn’t be a good father for Ricky! Which is true. You can’t have creepy inbred anger like that and raise a 5 year old.

Finally it's Voting Time!!!!  Each person that was voted off and not in the final four gets to choose which couple they want to win the money.  The outcome of this is obvious so I’m going to skip the drama and tell you that Rachel and Nick win.  Some stand-out mentions go to Michael for choosing Rachel and Nick, Kalon choosing Chris and Sarah just to be a dick, and Jaclyn voting for Rachel and Nick even though her and Rachel are on shaky ground.  Aww.

Now for the good stuff.  So basically Rachel and Nick have to choose to Keep or Share the money.  If they both pick share, they split it.  If one picks Keep and the other picks Share, the one that picks Keep gets to keep it.  If they both choose Keep then they don't get any of the money and its gets divided evenly between all the past contestants.

Rachel and Nick go to separate rooms to cast their votes and are taking their sweet ass time.  How long do they get in there?! Pick a fucking sign already you’ve had like weeks to think about this exact scenario!  I bet Chris Harrison is hoping they both pick keep so that ABC can keep the money and pay their outstanding debt with Neil Lane.

Finally they come out and Rachel goes first saying she totally trusts Nick and that they formed an awesome friendship, even though she was a widow and he was a deaf mute.  Sounds like a Hallmark Original.  She obviously picks Share.

Uh oh...its Nick’s turn and he’s got a crazy look in his eye and starts going off about how he is an outsider and I am kind of afraid of him. He clearly has some serious issues.  He keeps going on about how Rachel was only his partner because she was forced to be and no one was ever on his side...and OH MY GOD HE KEEPS THE MONEY!!!

Get your wrinkled penis face off my TV Nick

Even Chris Harrison is speechless!  Nick is flipping out and completely losing his mind.  He is running all around the stage and getting into people’s faces while yelling and waving his hands like a crazy motivational speaker.  Rachel is just sitting there looking very upset and I feel really bad for her - not only is she no longer getting the Stagliano Tour of Italy because he is serving up his deep dish hot to some skank in the windy city, she just got duped by the biggest idiot in the house.  Finally they let her speak and she is predictably LIVID.  She just keeps asking Nick why he would do this and calling him pathetic while he shakes his head and laughs, which, it should be noted, the audience is LOVING. What is this, the Hunger Games?  They are out for blood and loving every single one of Rachel’s tears. The more of a dick Nick is and the more she cries the more they cheer!

Kalon of course feels the need to relate to Nick. Give it a rest. You’re a dick who likes other dicks, we get it.

We are at the end and not much else happens besides Rachel running after Nick and getting zero satisfaction before he heads off in a limo to the Bachelor Bank to collect his Monopoly money.  I hope he uses his cash to get plastic surgery that makes his head look less like an actual penis with a rash.  He continues to be smug and annoying in the limo camera but does leave us with these parting words of wisdom:

“BP3, anything goes.”  Say it again, sista.



Closing thoughts: I wonder if Tony ever comes across our blog when he googles “Blakely Donkey Punch” because you KNOW he has thought about it and not shockingly, that’s how most people find our site. So I say to all of you Blakely donkey punch fans (especially you Tony) joining us a little late, welcome to our blog and we will see you next time for Bachelor Rehab recaps starring Ed! Just kidding, we will see you all when we recap me and Ed’s Niel Lane wedding special!  Just kidding, see you all for The Bachelor!

Can’t wait!

xoxo,
BK Lounge

Bachelor Pad Episode Seven: The Night Geezers

Aloha!  We are finally down to the final four couples and at the end of this night there will only be two left.  They are all truly awful people and I would be upset about any of them coming in to $250k, so I’m not really sure why I’m watching this but here we go.

I didn’t think it was possible to have rosacea of the cheeks and eyes Nick.  He can’t believe he is still on the show and frankly I can’t believe it either.  I guess not speaking for the first few weeks and only getting screen time when you made out with Fan Donna was actually a pretty good strategy.  

Inbred tells the cameras that this game is all about having a solid partnership with your partner, and he is completely serious like he has been practicing this tactic the whole time.  Just because Ed doesn’t remember you trying to get Blakely voted off when you were partners doesn't mean the rest of us were blacked out that night.  I mean I was 2 bottles of wine deep so its a little spotty, but I definitely remember something about that.

The Challenge

Chris Harrison greets the gang in some sort of subtle bondage shirt that has too many zippers on it. I’m on to you 50 Shades of Harrison. Anyways, Puppet Master drops the bomb that after this morning’s competition whoever wins gets to choose a couple to leave immediately, so they all have to pack up their shit. For some reason this requires all of the boys to be in tank tops. I’ll say it again - this season’s male cast has had an unhealthy obsession with tank tops.  Maybe it’s to show solidarity with Augusta GA Ryan.

When the cast walks out they see the pool area has been changed to a challenge called “Hanging by A Thread.” It looks like it was made from an Erector Set combined with sex swings.  The challenge is that one person answers Bachelor Pad trivia while the other person sits on the sex swing and gets a rope cut with every wrong answer.  After three ropes are cut they have to hang on a bar, and when they fall they’re out. 

Cirque de Syphilis

 
Tony says that he’s “gone through too much to be eliminated now” and of course he’s doing this for his son. Excuse me, what exactly have you “gone through” on this show that justifies making that statement? The hardest thing you had to do all season was bang Blakley in a trailer and let’s be honest, the majority of men in Florida have already done that.  

OMG I finally figured out who Ed looks like with his hair down!!!  This has been driving me crazy the entire season but it’s Cameron from Ferris Beuller!  Except Cameron is WAY COOLER than Ed.  Although, Alan Ruck was 29 when he played Cameron who was supposed to be in high school, so being really old in very young situations is something they have in common.

When Cameron came from Egypt land....let my Cameron...gooo

Moving on...this challenge sucks.  The questions are laaaaaaaame once again! And of course Blakely gets 90% of the questions wrong and within about 30 seconds Tony is hanging by his arms with no support.  

Sarah knows literally everything about past and present Bachelor Pads!  Chris Harrison direct quote: “Sarah, an unstoppable force, an incredible amount of knowledge...on Bachelor and Bachelor Pad.” Thanks for making sure we know she’s not full of knowledge about anything important.  I am more embarrassed for her than usual.  OMG - Chris and Sara win AGAIN. What the fuck is happening?! Insert black magic joke here.  

Ugh now Inbred and Smokers Cough get to vote someone off. Great - I would love nothing more than to watch these two idiots talk about how awesome they are and who they hate the most and should send home for the next 20 minutes. I want to drown myself in the Bachelor Pad pool. But I guess wine will have to do instead.

Oh god, Blakley is crying already. Pull it together. Her wiping her tears away makes me very glad that I stayed clear of the inner finger tattoo trend. On Rhianna: badass. On a regular person: trash-tastic.

Ummmm...what happened to Sarah’s face?  She has scabs all over her mouth and chin area.  I’m not making this up that's really there.  These STD jokes write themselves and that’s really gross.

So Blakely and Tony get a chance to kiss Chris and Sarah’s ass before they announce who they are going to send home which makes me cringe, but not as much as Tony professing how proud his son would be of him if he won the money.  Look son, remember when daddy abandoned you for 3 months and came home with a new stripper mommy? At least he has about $70k (after taxes and penis enlargement surgery) to show for it!  #1 Dad!

Chris makes a speech that you think is going to be nice but then he's just a huge douche yelling at everyone for not being on his side this entire competition.  He's holding a grudge against Ed for not voting for Blakely like 4 episodes ago!  And he hates Nick and Rachel!  Then he gets to Tony and says that he actually likes him, but then tells him he's being kicked off.  PURE. EVIL.  Predictably Blakely loses her shit and cries uncontrollably.  Not so predictably Ed cries too! Wtf? Maybe he's upset that he never got a chance to play hide the pickle with her.

Blakely and Tony go home in the same limo and talk about how no one needed the money as much as them, and she's right about that.  Girl doesn't even have cable and is forced to wax other people's vaginas all day!  And Tony has boarding school in Switzerland to pay for.  I notice that anytime they show Tony talking for more than 10 consecutive seconds I find myself involuntarily pouring more wine in my glass.  It’s an innate response now, he drives me to drink.

Back at the Pad...

Chris Harrison announces that the next competition is starting RIGHT NOW.  Wow, the producers must want this show wrapped as much as we do.

The gang heads to downtown Hollywood and ends up at some concert hall with some random band on stage.  I don’t know them, but I do know that Ed is wearing white flip flops and jeans right now.  Apparently this band is called Night Riders?  And they sing Sister Christian?  What is that?  Why is everyone so excited?! I have never heard this song in my life and I'm from Boston, the hub of holding on to crappy 80’s songs and playing them at all bars ALL THE TIME.  Way to keep it current, ABC.  What’s next week, touring with Hanson?

Ed is super pumped about Night Riders since he lost his virginity to Sister Christian back in 1984 and now they are on his “running mix”.  I’m pretty sure he uses a walkman and records all songs from the radio onto a cassette tape.

So the challenge will be that they have to sing their song as couples and the judges will be Night Riders themselves.  Wow these guys must be bankrupt or something. The couples will have a day to learn the song and to meet with vocal coaches.  One of them is from Glee and we are supposed to be impressed.  But we’re not because he’s the creepiest person ever and Glee is stupid.

Ed keeps busting out the elderly and its awesome!  He says he wants to do a creative move like the slide to establish some stage presence, and he says this completely seriously.  He is the Austin Powers of Bachelor Pad. Then he says he has his karaoke PhD and I develop a crush on him.  Looks like we have something in common old man.

Haha Inbred Chris is having a panic attack and I am loving every second of it.  He is taking his vocal lessons extremely seriously and its lol worthy.  I took a video for your viewing pleasure:

The Challenge

They all arrive at the concert hall in their best 80’s gear and there are a ton of girls in line to see this shit-tastic show. Once again, maybe something I would like to have tickets to...producers (wink wink).

The cast seems oddly sober for this. They are wasted for an obstacle course but laying off the sauce when it comes to public singing?!  That is ass backwards. Don’t get me wrong I would have no problem doing this challenge, but I would definitely be about 3 tequila shots deep at the very least.

First up is Nick and Rachel. Do I spy a tramp stamp?  They are both singing their best and are very bad but very, very entertaining. On a scale of 1 to 10 I give them a solid 3.  Ed agrees that they were pretty good and says that they sang well and rocked it, but docks them points for the choreography.  Haha, shut up Ed.

Speaking of the devil, Ed and Jaclyn are up next and for some reason Jaclyn is dressed like a slutty schoolgirl and Ed is dressed like Bea Arthur. Right off the bat they both forget ALL of the lyrics so Jaclyn just starts stripping off her clothes and the two of them end up just making out on the ground and basically having sex on stage. Keep in mind the song is apparently about a brother and sister. The Night Riders are clutching their pearls that Old Man River and Nic Cage dry humped on stage and also laughing like its the most crazy thing they’ve ever seen.  How can you be a rock band and still be shocked by Bachelor Pad antics?  What a bunch of nerds.

Doc Brown does Dallas

Side note - I just tried to google if the Night Riders were a Christian rock band, and thats where I learned that their name is the Night Rangers, not Night Riders.  Woops.  I’m too lazy to go back and change it and I like Night Riders better so its staying.  Night Riders forever.

Chris and Sarah are up last and you can just tell that backstage they handed Inbred an 80’s wig to wear and he refused because he thinks he’s wicked cool. I hate him.  His singing voice sucks and he sounds like Kasey Kahl.  For those of you who might not recognize that name, he is most known for being a Bachelor franchise regular and for guarding and protecting hearts.*  And his voice sounds like if Kermit was deaf.  Ohh Kasey, you are television gold and I miss you.  Anyways, Sarah seriously looks like she has a seizure when she’s dancing, and Chris looks like a mom chaperoning a Jr. High dance. I honestly don't even know what else to say about their performance except that I am horrified and have anxiety after watching it.

Time to pick a winner.  Night Rider tells Ed and Jaclyn they are the worst and pretty much says they are offended that they forgot all the words.  Poor Ed, it sucks to be told off by your favorite band, but it sucks even more to be told off by your favorite band while you’re wearing a silver sparkly jacket.  Next they totally call Sarah out on her terrible dancing - you just got yourself a new fan Night Rider!  AND they seal the deal by picking Rachel and Nick as the winners. That means that they also have the power to choose which couple is going to be in the finals. Yayyy bye Chris/Inbred/Jafar!

Back at the Brothel...

Inbred knows he’s probably going home and is hoping that his performance in the past challenges will prove to them that he should be there.  Um Chris, I don’t think anyone really cares about who deserves to be there.  I do think they are going to care about you giving them that speech about how you hate them yesterday, though.

Rachel and Nick are taking WAY TOO LONG to decide who is going to get saved and I wish that I could remind them that I have to get up very early tomorrow morning and don't have time for this dilly dallying.  Rachel and Jaclyn are best friends but Nick wants to keep Chris and Sarah because in past Bachelor Pads all the people that have been voted off come back for the final episode to vote on who should win. His thinking is that since Everybody Hates Chris, the past contestants would never vote for him to keep the money, and Rachel and Nick would have it in the bag.  Its actually a pretty good strategy and I am shocked that I agree with him.  Wow he really came out of nowhere after Stagliano left eh?

They just showed Chris and Sarah ripping shots in the kitchen and I like them for a fleeting moment.

Rose Ceremony

Not much to say here.  They vote to keep Chris and Sarah and Jaclyn’s face goes straight into ugly cry mode.  Its all very emotional and Rachel is sobbing like if Michael died again, and Ed and Jaclyn go off in separate limos.  I must admit I will miss that drunk geriatric and his homely sidekick.  But....

Next week is the reunion episode!  I am SO EXCITED.  We will see Kalon again!!  Michael talks about marrying Rachel!  Jamie is wearing a crazy headband!  Its going to be amazing...see you then!






*Did you know that Kasey has his own nonprofit organization called "Guard and Protect Hearts"?? If you don't think that's the funniest thing in the world then I don't think we can be friends.

Bachelor Pad Episode Six: Jaclyn Is The New Jamie

We kick off this episode the same way we kick off every episode - with people experiencing from what I can tell is legit PTSD.  Everyone is distraught and Rachel is crying her bangs off about Michael leaving. I don’t fucking blame her, what the hell is she going to do now besides be on a television show where you get paid to get wasted and lay out by the pool every day?

Puppet Master shows up after the rose ceremony again!  The guy must be seriously killing it in overtime hours this season.  He says that the competition is going to take a dramatic turn and now everyone will be competing as couples - winning together as couples and being able to be voted off as couples.  As if Rachel didn’t have it bad enough her fate is now linked to her new partner Nick, who is the most forgettable person in the world and has not spoken a word this entire season.

We get it. You're sad.

 

The Challenge

The next morning Rachel is STILL CRYING.  This is going to be a long night.  The gang goes outside and there is a school bus waiting there to take them to their challenge.  I am shocked it is not a short bus.

They get to a school auditorium and we find out that this challenge will be a Spelling Bee!  This should be hysterical.  As if these people aren’t going to have a hard enough time with this, Chris Harrison tells them they will have to spell as a team, alternating letters.  That’s not easy for a relatively smart person, much less these retards.  Tony is nervous since the “one thing he sucks at is spelling.” Other things include parenting and life, of course.

ABC decides to make this especially embarrassing by having children judge this contest.  They come out and Kalon asks if they came from Hogwarts and beats me to my joke. But seriously, what kind of parents allow their children to be in the same room as these degenerates?  I didn’t know Tony had three kids.

The producers are really drilling it in that these people are special needs and have them start off spelling words like Heart, Rose, and Kiss.  Its like Celebrity Jeopardy on SNL, except Z List Spelling in Real Life.  Blakley surprises no one when she misspells engagement ring but Kalon misspells jewelry and that is really disappointing.  I definitely didn't think that Lindzi would be the brains of that couple, and if she is...well lets just say things are really not looking good for them.

The competition comes down to Jaclyn and Ed versus Chris and Sarah and I am literally on the edge of my seat.  Seriously, I need to RELAX.  If Jafar and Skanky Sarah win then I will be forced to go on a crusade to put a stop to the dark arts because now its messing with Bachelor Pad contests and I just can’t have that.  Luckily, being around for 50 years makes you a good speller because Ed is killing it, and I hate to say it but it’s making me very attracted to him.  Apparently I need to add spelling skills to my list of aphrodisiacs (which I just learned to spell thanks to you BP).

Holy shit, Chris and Sarah win.  Damn you, potions!  They both get roses and an overnight date. Blakely is very upset about this and crying. Side note - why do all of Blakely’s hypothetical situations involving men end with her destroying their testicles? Just a question. Anyways, in an especially sick twist Ed and Jacqlyn also win an overnight date. Please keep in mind that in the last episode Ed basically took a shit on Jaclyn’s face in front of everyone and said that he wasn't looking for anything romantic even though they have been sleeping together every night. So this should go well.

HOW did these assholes win?

 

Chris and Sarah’s Date

Ugh.  Inbred and Smoker’s Cough get a limo and an airplane ride to wine country. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it was Ben’s winery in Sonoma and him and Courtney were there to greet them? Chris and Courtney are cut from the same evil cloth and Ben and Sarah are ugly idiots, so everyone would get along.  Once again, I need to write to the producers and offer my services.  

Next they go swimming in a lake. It looks to me like it could definitely have leeches and/or snakes and to be honest I’m really uncomfortable with how deep they are, but I’m also hoping that some sort of animal attack goes down and takes these two out of the game.  But unfortunately they survive and head to dinner in a barn.  Sarah keeps saying that she likes Chris a lot, but she’s concerned since he just broke up with Emily.  They talk about her and Inbred says hes not really over it but talking about it helps him heal.  Hope it also helps heal the smooth surface where your penis used to be.

Omg they are staying the night in the barn! The producers must have really exhausted the budget on the plane ride over.  Its like ok we can either put you up in the Holiday Inn next to the Bachelor Pad house, or we can fly you somewhere cool but you have to sleep in a barn.  Sarah doesn’t seem too upset about it though and the words “I’m excited to spend the night with Chris in this romantic barn and get rugged and sexy and roll in the hay” actually come out of her mouth.  

Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Back at the Pad...

Rachel is STILL CRYING.  She tells Jaclyn that she wouldn't mind going home since she doesn't want to play this game without Michael.  She’s had a rough couple days, losing her life partner of 3 weeks AND a spelling bee.  Did she break a mirror or something?  Then she compares herself to a widow and Nick talks to her about Michael in the past tense saying “He would have wanted you to be here”. Wow everyone needs to RELAX.  I’m pretty sure Michael is just down the road at Olive Garden picking up a few extra shifts.

Jaclyn and Blakely sit Rachel down with some gigantic pours of red wine and convince her to stay.  I think its cute until Jaclyn says they should all vote off Kalon and Lindzi.  Oh no she didn’t!  Everyone is agreeing with her too - how the fuck did she become the ringleader of this operation? They seal their decision with the all binding pinky swear, then get drunk and talk about what they would do with the money if they win.  Blakely concludes that she could finally stop waxing vaginas and get cable.  Seriously she actually said that.  These jokes write themselves.

Ed and Jaclyn’s Date

Time to gear up for what surely will be a very uncomfortable 30 minutes!  Old Man River and Nic Cage in Drag take a limo that takes them to a plane too - hope they know this means they will most likely be sleeping in a cave.  They go to an island and settle down for a picnic where they immediately discuss Ed’s douchebaggery last episode, and Jaclyn basically feeds excuses that she will be ok with to him.  Well now you deserve what you get, idiot.  As if on cue, Ed launches into how he is actively pursuing someone at home and he has feelings for her and not Jaclyn. Just to be clear - NO FEELINGS FOR JACLYN. One more time for the cheap seats - Ed doesn’t like Jaclyn. The only person who doesn’t seem to get this is Jaclyn.

Omg, then Jaclyn says she doesn’t think she will recover from this.  She should look in Chris’s spellbook for some sort of potion that helps desperados get over the loss of a 3 week old fuck buddy, and give some to herself and her friend the Black Widow Rachel.  But in all seriousness, I actually feel really bad for her. It would suck getting rejected by someone who looks like a 50 year old that got trapped in an Abercrombie changing room for 2 hours.

They go to dinner and the awkwardness continues, with Jaclyn trying again to make excuses for Ed by saying they only have to be a couple within the confines of the Bachelor Pad house and nowhere else.  Watching her and Ed have this conversation reminds me of that My So Called Life episode where Jordan is wicked mean to Angela because she’s ugly and he is embarrassed of her. Jaclyn needs two things right now: 1. Rayanne Graff to have her back and 2. Buffalo Tom, because I like that song they play and haven’t heard it since 1994.  But anyways, back to their conversation, Old Man River briefly contests this notion of being a couple in the house but since this is an overnight date and he already took his Viagra, he ends up agreeing to it.  The last thing we see is them going up the stairs holding hands as we hear Jaclyn saying she can’t live without Ed.  Uh oh, looks like Jamie’s soul has gone into Jaclyn’s body.

We are totally a couple.  If by couple you mean
I can pretend I don't know you in public.

 

Back at the Free Clinic...

Tony calls himself Blakely’s knight in shining armour in the gayest voice I have ever heard.  Even Elton John thought that was a bit much. Then he totally steals Michael’s idea and makes a bed for him and Blakely to have sex on outside and calls it a date.  He is wearing a completely unacceptable shirt and coming on very strong, telling Blakely he wants to have her in his everyday life. Blakely is not into it and you can tell because the more uncomfortable she gets, the more she talks in baby voice, so by the time he has poured her a glass of wine and told her he wants to focus on their future she is speaking like a toddler.   

Watch out Tony.  There's a good chance she
will eventually destroy your testicles.

 

I had to open a second bottle of wine when they started making out. I can't be sober if I’m going to be subjected to that.

The next morning...

Jaclyn and Ed come home with 2 roses they can give to any couple except themselves, so the next 20 minutes consist of everyone just kissing their asses.  For some reason they end up giving the roses to Blakely and Tony to “reward them for their loyalty”.  Mafia Michael would be so proud.  

Kalon is really pissed about this though and says that just because “him and Lindzi aren't emotional alcoholics who cry and run around talking about their emotions all the time doesnt mean they dont want it.”  Kalon, your serial killer is showing.  Might want to cover that up before possibly being voted out by a group of your peers, just a suggestion.  I still love you.

So now the couples its come down to are Rachel and Nick versus Kalon and Lindzi.  The rose ceremony deliberations are always so long and boring, so lets just say its a typical night where everyone is lying and fighting.  Nick uses his 10 seconds of airtime this entire season to look like DUI mugshot and be a loose cannon yelling at Blakely and Tony to not vote him off.  He calls Kalon “helicoptor boy.”  What?!  No one has used that reference since June!

Rose Ceremony

Nick looks like when you use technology from the early 90’s to see what your ugly baby will look like when he’s 35.

I don't know who has been doing Jaclyn’s make up this week but they need to cut it out. She’s been through enough!

I changed my mind.  I feel really bad for Ed.

Rachel actually did cry her bangs clean off and she looks wicked pretty without them!  She should grow those out but then she’d probably miss the Bachelor Pad Reunion Show - you can’t go to any social events while you’re growing out your bangs.  I would know - I’m always growing out my bangs.  Don’t get bangs.

And the couple going home is...Lindzi and Kalon!  OH NOOOOES.  This is very upsetting and Kalon looks like he actually might cry.  They somberly go off in different limos but then Kalon stops his and gets out to go in Lindzi’s.  How very Ames of him!  I may or may not have teared up a little.  Don’t judge me.

Well that was a rough one folks. Hopefully the next episode is a bit cheerier. Wait - just saw the preview and it seems to be just more of Rachel crying. There better AT LEAST be some donkey punching thrown in.  Only one way to find out.  See you next week!

Bachelor Pad Episode Five: Chris is a Wiccan

Greetings and salutations!  This episode sucked so bear with us.

We start tonight’s episode with Blakley in a quiet rage at Inbred Chris for trying to get her voted off. She tells the cameras that she now thinks of Chris as the shit on the bottom of her shoe.  Why is it assumed that you have been stepping in poop?  Oh yea, you live with Erica.

Woopsie

The only person that might be more upset than Blakely is the Inbred himself.  Homeboy is HEATED.  He is completely in shock that people in the house lied to him. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding me?! Hey Chris remember what you did to Blakely and then to Jamie and will probably do to Sarah? That’s called lying you dipshit.  And then he tries to turn it all around and says he feels like Blakely put a spell on him!  Just because Erica pooped in your rose ceremony potion and rendered it useless doesn’t mean you should be accusing others of the dark arts.  Dick.

So now Chris is literally hiding under the covers like a petulant child and Sarah is trying to comfort him, but I can see in her eyes she is deeply regretting getting involved with this rollercoaster of inbred emotions.  Then Kalon comes into the room and Chris talks loudly at him accusing him of lying about voting for Blakely even though they are supposed to be best friends.  These people are in their late 20’s, just want you to remember that.  But Kalon does come out with the best line of the season so far: “Yea I’m a liar...do you want me to elaborate on that?” HAHA.  Then he calls Chris out on being a loose cannon running around the house stirring the pot (filled with potions) and no wonder he didn’t get Emily.  Burn!

So Chris goes to his other bff and talks to Ed, who denies lying to Chris since alcoholism causes short term memory loss.  Their fight consists of Ed shaking his head and Chris calling himself a “grown ass man”.  It doesn’t seem that climactic but then all of a sudden Old Man River gets up and intentionally breaks a glass in the hallway!  Wtf?  Chris Harrison is going to be pissed!

The Challenge

The puppet master shows up and takes everyone outside by the pool to go over the challenge.  That’s cool they are letting the pool boy participate!  Oh wait, thats just Tony.  Anyways, the challenge this week is called The Great Fall of China.  Good one producers.  They all have to race between two tables 7 times carrying a tray, adding a cup and saucer each round. The rules of course are the same as always except the loser doesn’t get a vote against them. Good news for Grandpa Ed - there’s no way he’s sober enough to carry that tray. Yeah I know it’s like 10am. Trust me, he’s drunk.

Blakely is very excited for this challenge because of her cocktail waitress background, and then Jaclyn totally calls her out for working at Hooters!  I thought she was wearing nylons under her shorts!   Wait, was Hooters what she was counting as her experience as a “VIP Cocktail waitress”??? I’m pretty sure there is nothing VIP about the clientele at Hooters. HPV maybe, but definitely not VIP.

So the girls go first, and as expected, they are horrible.  Erica could give two fucks about this challenge and just walks while everyone else is running.  Lindzi looks like she is breaking her cups on purpose.  Blakely is sucking too!  Which is more embarrassing - having 13 years of waitressing experience at Hooters and not winning the challenge, or winning the challenge because you have 13 years of waitressing experience at Hooters?  Kind of a catch 22 if you ask me.

Sarah actually ends up coming in first but is disqualified for cheating and touching the cups to balance them.  Haha, karma, Inbred. Or as Kalon calls it, “poetic justice”.  This means Blakely is the winner!  She is pumped and climbing Tony like his son probably climbs jungle gyms.  I say probably because Tony actually has no idea what his son does.

Now its the guys turn and I am predicting disaster.  Why does Ed never do his hair on challenge days?  He looks like Forrest Gump.  Anyways, the guys aren’t as bad as the girls and in typical fashion the miniatures, Michael and Tony, are in the lead.  Blakely is coaching Tony on how to carry his tray like a pro and it is seriously the most annoying thing ever. I am pretty sure he just thinks that if he keeps quiet and wins the challenge Blakley will sleep with him.  And I’m pretty sure he’s right. Well I hope he double bags it because he just won.

Remember, stick out your chest and remind them about the wing special!

Side note - when did it become ok for grown men to wear tank tops?

Back at the Pad

Blakely wants to take Tony on her date, so she gets to give a rose to any guy she wants.  If I was playing a drinking game where I took a shot every time Chris says this is his worst nightmare I would be Ed-level drunk right now.  Its called poetic justice, Inbred.  Blakely gives the rose to Kalon and all is right in the world.

So now Chris Harrison explains that there will be two dates, one during the day and one being an overnight.  Blakely chooses the overnight date because there is a good chance that ABC will fly them somewhere extravagant for the night, and she immediately names Las Vegas as one of the luxurious places they might go.  At first I thought that was a pretty trashy place for her to be excited about, but then I remembered hooking is legal there, so I can see how not having to hide behind VIP Cocktail Waitress would be a luxury for her.

Kalon’s date card arrives with two boxes that look like jewelry boxes.  Kalon gets to pick his date and says there is no doubt in his mind that he wants to take Lindzi, and I feel funny in my pants.  They open the boxes and Lindzi’s has some hideous Neil Lane diamond jewelry inside that Blakely can hardly contain her jealousy of.  Kalon’s has car keys that go to a Bentley waiting for them outside.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if they went out and Bentley from Ashley’s season was there to shake things up?  Get on that Chris Harrison!

Kalon’s Date

Not much to say here actually.  Lindzi reminds me why I hate her by thinking that the mention of “pretty woman” on the date card means that their date will be themed around the movie, Pretty Woman. Yes Lindzi, jokes on you, ABC is actually making you become a prostitute in order to pay the rent on the Bachelor Pad house. Big Mistake. Huge.  They end up in East Compton somewhere eating dinner on a bridge. It’s weird and Kalon talks about zombies then tells Lindzi he might be in love with her which concerns me considering they have known each other for 3 weeks, but they’re still really cute together so it’s ok.

Blakely’s Date

Just to ensure that the audience understands the fact that Blakely is trashy, the producers arrange for Blakely and Tony’s date to be driving an old Jeep to a trailer out in the middle of nowhere.  So much for making some extra cash in Vegas, B.  They do some grilling and Blakely tells Tony that she is reserved around people she likes, then goes on for 20 minutes about her sexual past.  Tony responds to this by telling Blakely that she just hasn’t been with the right guy, then slow dances to country music with her.

Back at the House...

Chris is playing Ed and drinking himself into a stupor while STILL WHINING about people lying to him.  He says he feels like he went from the king of the castle to the servant, so he gets out his Magic for Dummies book to undo this curse.  Chris/Jafar’s big plan is now to get Lindzi sent home.  Is he kidding? That is the worst plan ever and no one is going to vote Lindzi off. She is adorable and you are a psycho.  But then he pretends to forgive Old Man River to manipulate him into voting off Kalon’s girlfriend and OH NO!! It’s working!! Damn it Ed what’s wrong with you?!

Aww Michael sets up a mini date for Rachel! It’s really cute but there is an acoustic guitar on the ground next to them and it’s making me nervous. There is nothing more awkward than a man playing the guitar and singing to you one on one. If there are any guys reading this (which I highly doubt) NEVER PLAY THE GUITAR TO A GIRL IF IT’S JUST YOU AND HER. It’s the fucking creepiest thing EVER. Oh good, they just end up boning on the ground. Much better.  

Back at the Trailer Park...

The best part of the whole episode happens.  Tony and Blakely are still dancing, and he dips her and they kiss.  The producers are acting like its the Notebook.  So the country music is playing, and they show all of the couples.  Kalon and Lindzi are making out, Rachel and Michael are covering the camera in their room so they can have sex, Chris and Sarah are kissing by the pool, Tony and Blakely go into the trailer to make Tony a father for the 2nd time....and Ed is passed out drunk on Jaclyns lap.  Classic.

A face only an obliterated person could love.

The Next Day at the Pad

Blakely and Tony come back and the rest of the gang is GRILLING them about their date. Sarah asks if they “made whoopie” (Sarah, your age is showing) and Tony says that he couldn’t resist and that she loved every minute of it.  Gross.  Ed is sitting behind them and looks like his head is going to explode.  Now Tony gets to give his rose out to a girl, and Jafar tries to get him to give it to Sarah but Tony is now whipped and goes with Blakely’s plan of giving it to...Jaclyn?  Pointless, but whatever.

Moving on.

Chris Harrison shows up and once again pretends like he’s not the puppet master and asks who the couples are in the house like he seriously has no idea.  He is acting like a dad trying to be all down with the kids smoking pot in his basement.  So Michael tells him that Jaclyn and Grandpa Ed are exchanging fluids regularly, and Ed suddenly realizes what he thought was a recurring dream of banging Nicholas Cage in a blonde wig is actually really happening.  He decides now is the time to just deny everything and flat out says he is not romantically involved with anyone and he just came here to have fun. Jaclyn looks like she is going to burst in tears and says she feels very uncomfortable. Now you know how we feel when they show you and Grandpa hooking up.

Needless to say, Jaclyn is an ugly crier.

So Puppet Master realizes this episode is super boring and decides to kick things up a notch and add a little twist.  And oh what a twist it is!  Instead of the usual guys voting for girls and vica versa, tonight everyone is voting for only a girl, and the girl with the most votes gets to pick the guy that leaves too.

Chaos ensues.

Now Chris doesn’t want to vote off Lindzi because he thinks she will make him come with her if she gets sent home.  Michael is in an alliance with Lindzi and they are afraid to vote for Sarah, because for some reason they are sure she would take Michael.  So this pretty much only leaves Erica Rose for Mafia Michael and his honchos to vote for.  Michael feels kind of bad about this since they are friends, but not really since he puts the plan into action and won’t stop telling the camera how genius it is.  He tells Erica that people are voting for her and that Chris started it, so that when Erica leaves she will take Inbred with her.  You have no idea how long this part goes for, but I’m just going to sum it up and tell you that Michael’s plan had some holes in it.  Chris ends up bringing Erica into the voting room with him to prove that he didn’t vote for her, which as much as I hate to say it was a pretty good idea.  God damn it.

Rose Ceremony

Spoiler alert - this is upsetting.  The producers didn’t even try to make us think it could possibly be Lindzi, and Erica gets voted off.  Now she knows Michael voted for her, and she is PISSED so she takes him with her.  Nooo!  Everyone loses their shit.  Rachel is seriously acting like Michael has died and is crying uncontrollably.  She might need therapy after this.  Erica doesn’t soften the blow and tells Michael that the best thing Holly could have done is marry Blake.  Oh no she didn’t!  Michael looks genuinely hurt and for that, Erica should get thrown from the moving limo on her way out of town. 

I'd be crying too if someone brought an acoustic guitar on a date.

Oh well, looks like Rachel will have to find a new mini man to hook up with...Tony, I’m looking at you. This way everyone wins - Rachel will have someone to fake date and Tony can stop pretending that he is really into Blakely and doesn’t find her terrifying in the least bit. You weren’t fooling anyone, even I was pretty sure that you wouldn’t survive the night in that trailer.

Let’s hope next week we see more of A.) Kalon being delightfully devious B.) Inbred Chris getting continuously round house kicked in the face and C.) A guest appearance by the only Bentley that anyone that watches this show cares about - mother fucking Bentley Williams.  

/

When will I see you again?

Fingers crossed!