Bachelor Pad Episode Seven: The Night Geezers

Aloha!  We are finally down to the final four couples and at the end of this night there will only be two left.  They are all truly awful people and I would be upset about any of them coming in to $250k, so I’m not really sure why I’m watching this but here we go.

I didn’t think it was possible to have rosacea of the cheeks and eyes Nick.  He can’t believe he is still on the show and frankly I can’t believe it either.  I guess not speaking for the first few weeks and only getting screen time when you made out with Fan Donna was actually a pretty good strategy.  

Inbred tells the cameras that this game is all about having a solid partnership with your partner, and he is completely serious like he has been practicing this tactic the whole time.  Just because Ed doesn’t remember you trying to get Blakely voted off when you were partners doesn't mean the rest of us were blacked out that night.  I mean I was 2 bottles of wine deep so its a little spotty, but I definitely remember something about that.

The Challenge

Chris Harrison greets the gang in some sort of subtle bondage shirt that has too many zippers on it. I’m on to you 50 Shades of Harrison. Anyways, Puppet Master drops the bomb that after this morning’s competition whoever wins gets to choose a couple to leave immediately, so they all have to pack up their shit. For some reason this requires all of the boys to be in tank tops. I’ll say it again - this season’s male cast has had an unhealthy obsession with tank tops.  Maybe it’s to show solidarity with Augusta GA Ryan.

When the cast walks out they see the pool area has been changed to a challenge called “Hanging by A Thread.” It looks like it was made from an Erector Set combined with sex swings.  The challenge is that one person answers Bachelor Pad trivia while the other person sits on the sex swing and gets a rope cut with every wrong answer.  After three ropes are cut they have to hang on a bar, and when they fall they’re out. 

Cirque de Syphilis

 
Tony says that he’s “gone through too much to be eliminated now” and of course he’s doing this for his son. Excuse me, what exactly have you “gone through” on this show that justifies making that statement? The hardest thing you had to do all season was bang Blakley in a trailer and let’s be honest, the majority of men in Florida have already done that.  

OMG I finally figured out who Ed looks like with his hair down!!!  This has been driving me crazy the entire season but it’s Cameron from Ferris Beuller!  Except Cameron is WAY COOLER than Ed.  Although, Alan Ruck was 29 when he played Cameron who was supposed to be in high school, so being really old in very young situations is something they have in common.

When Cameron came from Egypt land....let my Cameron...gooo

Moving on...this challenge sucks.  The questions are laaaaaaaame once again! And of course Blakely gets 90% of the questions wrong and within about 30 seconds Tony is hanging by his arms with no support.  

Sarah knows literally everything about past and present Bachelor Pads!  Chris Harrison direct quote: “Sarah, an unstoppable force, an incredible amount of knowledge...on Bachelor and Bachelor Pad.” Thanks for making sure we know she’s not full of knowledge about anything important.  I am more embarrassed for her than usual.  OMG - Chris and Sara win AGAIN. What the fuck is happening?! Insert black magic joke here.  

Ugh now Inbred and Smokers Cough get to vote someone off. Great - I would love nothing more than to watch these two idiots talk about how awesome they are and who they hate the most and should send home for the next 20 minutes. I want to drown myself in the Bachelor Pad pool. But I guess wine will have to do instead.

Oh god, Blakley is crying already. Pull it together. Her wiping her tears away makes me very glad that I stayed clear of the inner finger tattoo trend. On Rhianna: badass. On a regular person: trash-tastic.

Ummmm...what happened to Sarah’s face?  She has scabs all over her mouth and chin area.  I’m not making this up that's really there.  These STD jokes write themselves and that’s really gross.

So Blakely and Tony get a chance to kiss Chris and Sarah’s ass before they announce who they are going to send home which makes me cringe, but not as much as Tony professing how proud his son would be of him if he won the money.  Look son, remember when daddy abandoned you for 3 months and came home with a new stripper mommy? At least he has about $70k (after taxes and penis enlargement surgery) to show for it!  #1 Dad!

Chris makes a speech that you think is going to be nice but then he's just a huge douche yelling at everyone for not being on his side this entire competition.  He's holding a grudge against Ed for not voting for Blakely like 4 episodes ago!  And he hates Nick and Rachel!  Then he gets to Tony and says that he actually likes him, but then tells him he's being kicked off.  PURE. EVIL.  Predictably Blakely loses her shit and cries uncontrollably.  Not so predictably Ed cries too! Wtf? Maybe he's upset that he never got a chance to play hide the pickle with her.

Blakely and Tony go home in the same limo and talk about how no one needed the money as much as them, and she's right about that.  Girl doesn't even have cable and is forced to wax other people's vaginas all day!  And Tony has boarding school in Switzerland to pay for.  I notice that anytime they show Tony talking for more than 10 consecutive seconds I find myself involuntarily pouring more wine in my glass.  It’s an innate response now, he drives me to drink.

Back at the Pad...

Chris Harrison announces that the next competition is starting RIGHT NOW.  Wow, the producers must want this show wrapped as much as we do.

The gang heads to downtown Hollywood and ends up at some concert hall with some random band on stage.  I don’t know them, but I do know that Ed is wearing white flip flops and jeans right now.  Apparently this band is called Night Riders?  And they sing Sister Christian?  What is that?  Why is everyone so excited?! I have never heard this song in my life and I'm from Boston, the hub of holding on to crappy 80’s songs and playing them at all bars ALL THE TIME.  Way to keep it current, ABC.  What’s next week, touring with Hanson?

Ed is super pumped about Night Riders since he lost his virginity to Sister Christian back in 1984 and now they are on his “running mix”.  I’m pretty sure he uses a walkman and records all songs from the radio onto a cassette tape.

So the challenge will be that they have to sing their song as couples and the judges will be Night Riders themselves.  Wow these guys must be bankrupt or something. The couples will have a day to learn the song and to meet with vocal coaches.  One of them is from Glee and we are supposed to be impressed.  But we’re not because he’s the creepiest person ever and Glee is stupid.

Ed keeps busting out the elderly and its awesome!  He says he wants to do a creative move like the slide to establish some stage presence, and he says this completely seriously.  He is the Austin Powers of Bachelor Pad. Then he says he has his karaoke PhD and I develop a crush on him.  Looks like we have something in common old man.

Haha Inbred Chris is having a panic attack and I am loving every second of it.  He is taking his vocal lessons extremely seriously and its lol worthy.  I took a video for your viewing pleasure:

The Challenge

They all arrive at the concert hall in their best 80’s gear and there are a ton of girls in line to see this shit-tastic show. Once again, maybe something I would like to have tickets to...producers (wink wink).

The cast seems oddly sober for this. They are wasted for an obstacle course but laying off the sauce when it comes to public singing?!  That is ass backwards. Don’t get me wrong I would have no problem doing this challenge, but I would definitely be about 3 tequila shots deep at the very least.

First up is Nick and Rachel. Do I spy a tramp stamp?  They are both singing their best and are very bad but very, very entertaining. On a scale of 1 to 10 I give them a solid 3.  Ed agrees that they were pretty good and says that they sang well and rocked it, but docks them points for the choreography.  Haha, shut up Ed.

Speaking of the devil, Ed and Jaclyn are up next and for some reason Jaclyn is dressed like a slutty schoolgirl and Ed is dressed like Bea Arthur. Right off the bat they both forget ALL of the lyrics so Jaclyn just starts stripping off her clothes and the two of them end up just making out on the ground and basically having sex on stage. Keep in mind the song is apparently about a brother and sister. The Night Riders are clutching their pearls that Old Man River and Nic Cage dry humped on stage and also laughing like its the most crazy thing they’ve ever seen.  How can you be a rock band and still be shocked by Bachelor Pad antics?  What a bunch of nerds.

Doc Brown does Dallas

Side note - I just tried to google if the Night Riders were a Christian rock band, and thats where I learned that their name is the Night Rangers, not Night Riders.  Woops.  I’m too lazy to go back and change it and I like Night Riders better so its staying.  Night Riders forever.

Chris and Sarah are up last and you can just tell that backstage they handed Inbred an 80’s wig to wear and he refused because he thinks he’s wicked cool. I hate him.  His singing voice sucks and he sounds like Kasey Kahl.  For those of you who might not recognize that name, he is most known for being a Bachelor franchise regular and for guarding and protecting hearts.*  And his voice sounds like if Kermit was deaf.  Ohh Kasey, you are television gold and I miss you.  Anyways, Sarah seriously looks like she has a seizure when she’s dancing, and Chris looks like a mom chaperoning a Jr. High dance. I honestly don't even know what else to say about their performance except that I am horrified and have anxiety after watching it.

Time to pick a winner.  Night Rider tells Ed and Jaclyn they are the worst and pretty much says they are offended that they forgot all the words.  Poor Ed, it sucks to be told off by your favorite band, but it sucks even more to be told off by your favorite band while you’re wearing a silver sparkly jacket.  Next they totally call Sarah out on her terrible dancing - you just got yourself a new fan Night Rider!  AND they seal the deal by picking Rachel and Nick as the winners. That means that they also have the power to choose which couple is going to be in the finals. Yayyy bye Chris/Inbred/Jafar!

Back at the Brothel...

Inbred knows he’s probably going home and is hoping that his performance in the past challenges will prove to them that he should be there.  Um Chris, I don’t think anyone really cares about who deserves to be there.  I do think they are going to care about you giving them that speech about how you hate them yesterday, though.

Rachel and Nick are taking WAY TOO LONG to decide who is going to get saved and I wish that I could remind them that I have to get up very early tomorrow morning and don't have time for this dilly dallying.  Rachel and Jaclyn are best friends but Nick wants to keep Chris and Sarah because in past Bachelor Pads all the people that have been voted off come back for the final episode to vote on who should win. His thinking is that since Everybody Hates Chris, the past contestants would never vote for him to keep the money, and Rachel and Nick would have it in the bag.  Its actually a pretty good strategy and I am shocked that I agree with him.  Wow he really came out of nowhere after Stagliano left eh?

They just showed Chris and Sarah ripping shots in the kitchen and I like them for a fleeting moment.

Rose Ceremony

Not much to say here.  They vote to keep Chris and Sarah and Jaclyn’s face goes straight into ugly cry mode.  Its all very emotional and Rachel is sobbing like if Michael died again, and Ed and Jaclyn go off in separate limos.  I must admit I will miss that drunk geriatric and his homely sidekick.  But....

Next week is the reunion episode!  I am SO EXCITED.  We will see Kalon again!!  Michael talks about marrying Rachel!  Jamie is wearing a crazy headband!  Its going to be amazing...see you then!






*Did you know that Kasey has his own nonprofit organization called "Guard and Protect Hearts"?? If you don't think that's the funniest thing in the world then I don't think we can be friends.