Bachelor Pad Finale: Two Winners One Cup...I Mean Check

Well friends, we have finally come to the finale of the television masterpiece, Bachelor Pad 3.  My feelings are mixed - I will miss the feeling of maturity and accomplishment I get at 10pm Monday nights, but if I have to see Jaclyn’s face one more time or make another STD joke I might die of alcohol poisoning.  So it is with bittersweet emotions that we take in these last two hours of inbreds, drunks, magicians, and Hooters employees.  Lets get started!

Everyone from this season is back and sitting together on stage.  Wow I completely forgot about SWAD!  Woah and Reid.  And Paige.  And Ryan.

Jamie looks like she just came from starring as an extra in the 1970’s porn version of Cleopatra.  She is wearing a diamond headdress, huge earrings, and has gems actually glued to her face.  What was she wearing before she applied the old “take one thing off before you leave the house” rule?  A venetian mask?

Now I understand how Claire's stays in business.

 
I am disappointed in how much of the time is being used for recap clips.  We all saw all this already!  I want to hear about what's going on with Kalon and Lindzi!  And Michael and Rachel!  And if Ed and Jaclyn have broken their rule and had sexual relations outside the boundaries of the Bachelor Pad house!  What I don’t need is to see Tony crying again and Blakely telling the world if she doesn’t get a rose she’s going to be “an emotional banana sandwich”.  

Speaking of Ed, I have a confession to make.  I am totally obsessed with him.  I think he’s hot and funny and cool.  I have made fun of him so much because I have been ashamed, but its time I admitted the truth: I would date Ed.  I really would.  It feels good to get that off my chest.

Every move you make...every shot you take...I'll be loving you

Moving on.

Chris Harrison says that Kalon and Lindzi have “a beautiful relationship”.  Truer words have never been spoken, and I thank you Chris Harrison for your eloquence. But then Erica comes along and trashes up this special moment by saying she has seen Kalon around the “Houston social scene” holding hands with other girls.  Kalon says they are just friends but you can tell by Lindzi’s face that this is not good news.  Ugh, Erica shits on everything. Literally.

Next they move onto Michael, who is displaying some seeeerious GT’s throughout this entire episode. Lots of talking like a girl and hand motions. Then they show a clip I don’t remember of Michael telling Erica that he can’t see himself dating Rachel after the show is over.  Whaaaaa?!  Apparently after the show Michael stopped talking to Rachel and totally dissed her!  Not cool, Stagliano.  I thought making a sex bed on the floor next to an acoustic guitar meant forever, and apparently so did Rachel Two Chins, who Jaclyn tells us is devastated.  God, Rachel cried for days when she thought she would be back together with Michael in a couple weeks, can you imagine how distraught she must have been after he completely ignored her? Its like she had to deal with his death all over again! I wonder if she is going to come to this reunion in a black veil.  I bet Jamie has one in her car she can borrow.

Now its Jaclyn’s turn in the hot seat.  I am so happy this is the last I will be seeing of her face for at the very least a few months and at the very best the rest of my life.  Ironically they don’t ask her about what’s been happening with her and Ed...WTF producers why would you skip that? Instead they focus on how Jaclyn thought she was going to win the competition?  Everyone says that!  This is a waste of my time.  The only interesting thing that happens is Jaclyn says that she was the puppet master of the house and a dark cloud forms over Chris Harrison’s face.

Next its Blakely’s turn to be asked the tough questions.  She is sporting a brand new arm sleeve tattoo while saying that she came on Bachelor Pad to get her life back on track and to be able to afford cable.  That is truly the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life.  Then she says that her and Tony are very much still together, and that he is “honest, very loyal, genuine, precautious, less assertive and aggressive, and domesticated.”  So basically she is dating a housecat.

Out of nowhere Jamie and Blakely get into a fight.  That’s...random.  Why does Blakely hate Jamie?  Being mad at Jamie is like being mad at a canteloup. Which actually sometimes I do get mad at because that shit fucks up fruit salad every single time. Goddamn filler fruit.  Anyways, Jamie and Blakely are yelling at each other and I’m feeling kind of bad for Jamie until she suddenly is wicked mean to poor Virgin Ryan!  Wtf? What did he ever do to you besides be the best gay husband ever and make you a cake and put candy in your bed on your birthday?  I’m on Blakely’s side now because Jamie, you’re an asshole and I’m glad Inbred played your over-accessorised ass.  Skank.

So now we have moved on to Blakely talking about how great Tony is again, and Tony keeps being wicked creepy and looking at the camera while close-lipped smiling and nodding.  Quit it, Tony!  Stop staring at me with your gorgeous lashes!  They have a big announcement to make and I am assuming they are engaged, but then its just that they are moving in together.  BORING.  Oh wait...Tony is giving Blakely a speech...he’s reaching into his coat pocket...he gets down on one knee...Jesus H Christ.  This too soon proposal is brought to you by Neil Lane.

Is that nipple tape I'm seeing?

 
Jaclyn has a very hairy face and Ed is dressed like he owns a funeral parlor.  A sexy funeral parlor.  And I would just like to note that Ed has not spoken once this entire show.  I finally admit my love for him and they give me nothing.

Finally they bring out the final four!  Sarah’s face looks...not good.  It looks like she aged 20 years then got a facelift and botox to get back to her early 40’s.  She’s being all kissy with Inbred and its gross.

Rachel however looks slammin, which I’m happy about since Michael is right there.  She immediately opens with saying there is relationship stuff that needs to be discussed. I love that she’s letting us all watch this! I am hoping she tells Michael she is dating someone new and that he can suck it, but of course the exact opposite happens and these words come out of her mouth: “You were really into me and I’m not making that up in my head.”  Nice one Rach, guys love to be told how much they like you and its an extra bonus when you add in that you’re totally not crazy.  Smooth.  Tiny Tim Stagliano will be putty in your hands by the end of this night.

So then it comes out that Michael’s big excuse for not wanting to date Rachel was that he didn’t want to do long distance, which would be reasonable except for the fact that he is now long-distance dating someone in Chicago. So I guess that means he quit the Olive Garden and is now picking up shifts at Uno’s.  

Chris Harrison finally decides to acknowledge Nick’s presence, and says he is talking to him just to prove he is on the show.  Haha.  Nick looks especially muppet-like tonight and has absolutely nothing to say.

Excuse me, why are there 12 year old girls in this audience?  Get them out of there before they get the herp!

Yay time to rip into Inbred Chris!  Jafar says that the whole Blakely/Jamie thing was tough for him because his family now hates him.  His dad just doesn't understand how a product of him and his own sister could breed such evil.  Wow, even apologising Chris manages to be a massive toolbag, taking the Ben’s Courtney route and saying that “the game got ahold of him” and basically not admitting that he’s just an asshole.  But then Jamie all of a sudden grows a spine and delivers a pretty good insult by telling him that its good Emily didn’t pick him because he wouldn’t be a good father for Ricky! Which is true. You can’t have creepy inbred anger like that and raise a 5 year old.

Finally it's Voting Time!!!!  Each person that was voted off and not in the final four gets to choose which couple they want to win the money.  The outcome of this is obvious so I’m going to skip the drama and tell you that Rachel and Nick win.  Some stand-out mentions go to Michael for choosing Rachel and Nick, Kalon choosing Chris and Sarah just to be a dick, and Jaclyn voting for Rachel and Nick even though her and Rachel are on shaky ground.  Aww.

Now for the good stuff.  So basically Rachel and Nick have to choose to Keep or Share the money.  If they both pick share, they split it.  If one picks Keep and the other picks Share, the one that picks Keep gets to keep it.  If they both choose Keep then they don't get any of the money and its gets divided evenly between all the past contestants.

Rachel and Nick go to separate rooms to cast their votes and are taking their sweet ass time.  How long do they get in there?! Pick a fucking sign already you’ve had like weeks to think about this exact scenario!  I bet Chris Harrison is hoping they both pick keep so that ABC can keep the money and pay their outstanding debt with Neil Lane.

Finally they come out and Rachel goes first saying she totally trusts Nick and that they formed an awesome friendship, even though she was a widow and he was a deaf mute.  Sounds like a Hallmark Original.  She obviously picks Share.

Uh oh...its Nick’s turn and he’s got a crazy look in his eye and starts going off about how he is an outsider and I am kind of afraid of him. He clearly has some serious issues.  He keeps going on about how Rachel was only his partner because she was forced to be and no one was ever on his side...and OH MY GOD HE KEEPS THE MONEY!!!

Get your wrinkled penis face off my TV Nick

Even Chris Harrison is speechless!  Nick is flipping out and completely losing his mind.  He is running all around the stage and getting into people’s faces while yelling and waving his hands like a crazy motivational speaker.  Rachel is just sitting there looking very upset and I feel really bad for her - not only is she no longer getting the Stagliano Tour of Italy because he is serving up his deep dish hot to some skank in the windy city, she just got duped by the biggest idiot in the house.  Finally they let her speak and she is predictably LIVID.  She just keeps asking Nick why he would do this and calling him pathetic while he shakes his head and laughs, which, it should be noted, the audience is LOVING. What is this, the Hunger Games?  They are out for blood and loving every single one of Rachel’s tears. The more of a dick Nick is and the more she cries the more they cheer!

Kalon of course feels the need to relate to Nick. Give it a rest. You’re a dick who likes other dicks, we get it.

We are at the end and not much else happens besides Rachel running after Nick and getting zero satisfaction before he heads off in a limo to the Bachelor Bank to collect his Monopoly money.  I hope he uses his cash to get plastic surgery that makes his head look less like an actual penis with a rash.  He continues to be smug and annoying in the limo camera but does leave us with these parting words of wisdom:

“BP3, anything goes.”  Say it again, sista.



Closing thoughts: I wonder if Tony ever comes across our blog when he googles “Blakely Donkey Punch” because you KNOW he has thought about it and not shockingly, that’s how most people find our site. So I say to all of you Blakely donkey punch fans (especially you Tony) joining us a little late, welcome to our blog and we will see you next time for Bachelor Rehab recaps starring Ed! Just kidding, we will see you all when we recap me and Ed’s Niel Lane wedding special!  Just kidding, see you all for The Bachelor!

Can’t wait!

xoxo,
BK Lounge