I would like to start this season out by saying that up until the show started I was still holding onto the hope that the producers were just punking us and the REAL Bachelor was actually Bentley from Ashley’s season. But unfortunately my dreams were crushed when Sean first appeared to us wearing a cable knit cardigan. His intro is quite possibly the most boring in Bachelor history, and the producers must realize this because they tried to distract us by having him run around shirtless the whole time. I am ashamed to admit that it’s kind of working on me and I’m feeling a little tingly for that Ken doll with a spray tan.
Is it just me or has each intro had the Bachelor or Bachelorette skipping stones while looking wistfully at the ocean? Someone research that.
Ooo surprise visit by Ari! They bro out by pouring some light beers in glasses and sitting down to chat on Anthropologie lawn chairs. What a couple of pussies. Their “man talk” involves Sean saying “will you accept this rose” in a variety of voices. He is going to burst a vein trying this hard to have a personality. Things get even worse when Sean thinks it's a good idea to ask Ari for kissing advice and I cannot believe my eyes or my ears. I have a problem with this for a few reasons: 1) Ari is well documented to be one of the worst kissers I have ever seen on tv. He is a lip licker and a face eater! Do NOT ask him for kissing advice! 2) Not even girls do this. 3) Sean, you’re 28. You should know how to kiss by now. Jesus.
 |
| Uh oh Sean, I think Ari slipped some of his love potion in your Zima. |
Now it's show time! Time to meet some of the ladies and I am SO EXCITED. We finally get to see our old pal Chris Harrison, and did he lose some LB’s? Lookin slim Puppet Master! All the better to hide under the fantasy suite beds.
First we meet Desiree, a 26 year old Bridal Stylist. She will be absolutely nuts. There is no way you can be single, work at a bridal salon for 8 hours a day surrounded by wedding dresses, and not go absolutely Fatal Attraction crazy. Trust me, I worked at a mexican jewelry store one summer in college and by fall I looked like the Chiquita banana lady.
Next is Tierra, a 24 year old Leasing Agent, two time broken heart loser, and possible Chico’s model. This chick loses her mind when she finds out the Bachelor is Sean and I swear to god the first thing she says, actually, squeals is “HE’S FAMILY ORIENTED!” Woah, lady. Cool your ovaries.
Now we have Robyn, 24, in Sales and Engineering. Forehead. That’s all I got from her interview. Also, I wish my apartment was large enough to do back flips in. Also, I wish I could do a backflip.
Next we meet Dianna, a 31 year old Salon Owner with two kids, aka the “token mom”. She seems nice but has Audrina Patridge dead eyes.
Sara, a 26 year old Ad Designer is next. She looks like she is lying about that and is actually in Skinemax movies. Oh shit, now I’m an asshole because she only has one arm. She actually seems very nice and I am rooting for her.
Now we see Ashley P., a 28 year old hair stylist. She’s pretty...or is she? Really depends on the lighting with this one. And If you have to say “I have no idea why I’m single” then there is a very good reason why you are single and the fact that you can’t figure it out is terrifying. For example, I know I am single because I found a candy bar wrapper in my boot the other day and I write a blog about the Bachelor. It's not rocket science. ln Ashley P’s case I’m pretty sure that it’s because she’s in crazy cat lady phase three and reads 50 Shades Of Grey in alone in bed with a camera crew there. But homegirl is some good tv - my inner goddess just rejoiced that this trainwreck was brought into our lives!
Next is Leslie, 25, Political Consultant. I think Sean will like this one - she’s southern and blonde and that’s about it. She looks much better with sunglasses on than off.
We briefly meet Kristie, a 25 year old “Ford Model”. She looks to be more like 45 and is most certainly in an inappropriate sexual relationship with her trainer.
Last but not least we get a peek inside the life of AshLee, a 32 year old “Professional Organizer”. Wtf you can get paid for that?! She also happens to be a complete PSYCHO who has some baggage over being adopted that makes her organize the shit out of everything. Side note, do you get like extra points with the casting directors if you spell your name like a fucking asshole?
The First Meetings
Why is the driveway of the Bachelor house always wet? I can’t help but think it’s because they just have to constantly hose down the whole house to get rid of the body fluids and stench of Drakar Noir.
I really like Sean’s suit. He must think since Emily picked Jef the only way to get a girl is skinny ties, and he may be right. He is super nervous and I am finding it endearing. What is wrong with me?!
The limo is pulling up! Here we go....
AshLee F - 32 - Personal Organizer we just met. She should be very mad at whoever “organized” her hair. Girlie’s got a case of the Rachel.
Jackie - 25 - Cosmetics consultant. She is wearing the first of many sequined dresses we will see tonight and also happens to look exactly like a Bratz doll. She says she wants to “put her mark on” Sean and slaps on some lipstick on before kissing him on the cheek. Sean acts like a grandfather being bashful with a hot little dish and it's gross.
Selma - 29 - Real Estate Developer. Looks kind of like Ashley Greene and knows her best assets if ya know what I mean. She happens to have a tissue that looks to be about 10 years old in her cleavage and uses it to wipe off Seans lipstick from the Bratz doll. Well this whole sequence was clearly planned.
Leslie - 29 - Poker Dealer. She looks like if Tim Curry was a young woman of color and she calls Sean a hunk! Haha, I am bringing that back. Leslie, you are now on my good side.
Daniella - 24 - Commercial Casting Associate. Looks like Brandi Glanville’s crackwhore sister. You know what’s cool? Handshakes. Not.
Kelly - 28 - Cruise Ship Entertainer. Hot mess. I am 99% sure she is wearing a wig made of Barbie plastic hair and her dress was bought at a Forever 21 in Reno. And she has a song for us! This ought to be good. Oh my god. She is singing really intense country like 13 inches from Sean’s face, he must be shitting his pants right now.
 |
| If Carrie Underwood was a Cruise Ship Entertainer. |
Katie - 27 - Yoga Instructor. I predict she will last the night based on profession alone, but her hair is channelling Irene from Real World Seattle and it's not ok. And put on some shoes you idiot.
Ashley P - the 50 Shades freak - aka Jennifer Coolidge version 2.0 (google it) straight up whips out a tie from her cleavage. (Which is held up by sequined dress #2). Sean once again acts like a flattered geriatric and you can tell he doesn’t really get the reference. Probably because they don’t sell 50 Shades of Grey at the Christian bookstore.
 |
| BK Lounge's new BFF! |
Taryn - 30 - Health Club Manager. Shes playing it pretty cool and says she didn't watch his season and I like her style. Not her actual style - shes wearing blue eyeshadow and a Ramona Singer style blue satin evening gown - her mack style.
Catherine - 26 - Graphic Designer. Sequined dress #3! She’s cute and they just tell each other how hot they are and then she goes inside.
Robyn - Acrobat with a Forehead - HOLY SHIT she tries to do flips over to him and it starts out well but quickly dissolves to shit when she falls on the second one and is just sitting in one of the many Bachelor driveway puddles in sequined dress #4. I am embarrassed for her but as someone who has vast experience with handling the aftermath of humiliating situations, I would say she did pretty well. B+.
Lacey - 24 - Grad Student. She looks like she’s from Florida and moonlights as an escort. She gives him a lace heart to keep in his pocket and it's stupid.
Paige - Omg Paige from Bachelor Pad 3!!! She got voted off first and all we ever wrote about her was that she looked like an extra on Gray’s Anatomy, which is still true. She is obviously crazy since she keeps going on these shows, and you can tell Sean is immediately turned off that she was on Bachelor Pad. As he should be. She’s not lasting the night.
Tierra - crazy lady who loves family values. She is wearing an absolutely hideous dress and shows Sean a tattoo heart on her finger that she wants him to “complete”. The producers then tell Sean to sketchily go inside and make her wait in the driveway without any explanation and that is just rude. She thinks she might be going home and this might be more suspenseful for us viewers if they hadn't just shown her in all the previews of the upcoming season. Sean gives her a rose and I must say this was really poorly done on Sean’s part - he doesn’t seem remotely into any of these girls and if I’m going to have to watch this robot fake emotions all season I am going to be PISSED. *robot tear*
But wow Sean giving Tierra that rose was like throwing a bucket of chum into shark infested waters. The girls inside the house are literally stabbing her with their eyes.
Amanda - 26 - Fit Model. Looks like if Alanis Morissette was born a boy. She tells Sean they should have an awkward pause to get it out of the way, which is one of the very few intros I don’t hate, but it's still not the best way to start since it's Sean and there will be plenty of those to look forward to.
Keriann - 29 - Entrepreneur aka unemployed. Which is why she had to drive 2,000 miles to go on the Bachelor. She has had some plastic surgery.
Des - crazy Bridal Stylist. She brought pennies to make a wish in the fountain and as far as cheesy first meets on the Bachelor go, I don't hate this one so much either, but I hope they’re wishing for syphilis because that’s pretty much the only wish that house will grant. The way Sean says he’s excited to talk to her more sounds like an uncle who can’t wait to hear about her semester abroad.
Sara - one arm. They don’t address it which is nice.
Brooke - 25 - Community Organizer. She looks like she sings in Blues lounges from the 40's and has a gangster ex boyfriend who she fights with while smoking Virginia Slims and wearing silky robes.
Diana - Token Mom - You own a salon and you chose a fishtail side braid?
Lesley - the Southern blonde that doesn't look good without sunglasses. She brought a football and plays lame joke where she looks at Sean’s butt. Do women actually check out guys asses? I don’t get the appeal and just assumed it was something that only happened on sitcoms.
Kristy - the model. Not fooling anyone with that spray tan. But God, Sean has zero sense of humor - she jokes about not inviting the other girls and hes like “well there might be some other girls here.” He is such a fucking dweeb.
Ashley - “Fashion Model” - Nice eyeshadow little mermaid. You get the “most closely resembling a toddlers and tiara contestant” award, and your baby talk is not helping.
Lauren - 27 - Journalist. She tells Sean she has a “close knit Italian family.” I am surprised it has taken this long for someone on the show to say that. Something tells me Sean is going to end up with a horse head in his bed after a night in the fantasy suite with this one.
Lindsay - 24 - Sub teacher. She's wearing a wedding dress and kisses Sean on the mouth and he almost has a heart attack he is so appalled. I like her. I like her a lot.
 |
| Chrystal Harris and Hugh Heffner |
I miss Kalon.
So we think we are done with intros but then Puppet Master Chris Harrison comes out to tell us there is one more surprise contestant. Another limo pulls up and all we see is a pair of really good legs and I’m thinking maybe it's Michelle Money but no it's....
Kacie B. from Ben’s season! I am pretty excited about this because I actually liked her and think she would be a good match for Sean even though she might have an eating disorder and her dad is like the mom in Carrie. She is looking a little more rough than I remembered though - someone has been living in LA and watching Pretty Woman.
The Cocktail Party
Sean addresses the women like a motivational speaker and I am CONVINCED he will not fall in love on this show. Or in real life. Robots cannot feel, did no one else watch Small Wonder?! I wish V.I.C.I. ( "Voice Input Child Identicant" for all those who didn't grow up in the 80’s) was a contestant, then he might actually find romance.
I love how Ashley P says she would rather die than wear a wedding dress on the show. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones Ashley “50 shades” P.
Sean and Desiree talk and it's fine and boring. But then he gives her a rose! And he doesn’t stop there - Organized Adopted AshLee is next, followed by Selma, Forehead Robyn, and Jackie the Bratz doll. I feel like he’s trying to show us that he’s not afraid to break the rules, but it would have been cooler if we hadn’t seen him ask Chris Harrison for permission like he was getting a bathroom pass in Jr. High.
Did someone tell these girls that boys will like you if you talk about football?
Uh oh, the bride is shitfaced and trying to recover from the awkwardness of her wearing a wedding dress but is just making things horrifyingly worse by hanging on Sean and trying to kiss him...again. Sean is 2 seconds away from calling the producers to save him by restraining her.
Ashley 50 Shades is also hammered and dancing without any music and I really hope she isn’t destroying her chances of staying because she is my favorite. She interrupts Paige for some alone time with Sean and as soon as she she sits down with him she takes the tie out from her dress. What happens next is shocking but ladies and gentlemen (who am I kidding, just ladies) Sean says something funny!!! Right when she pulls out the tie he says he also brought a rape whistle and I lol. Good one blondie.
Can I just take a second to say how happy I am that the producers let the girls drink their body weight in alcohol on this show?
 |
| This happened after she fell down those stairs. I'm not kidding. |
God I forgot how long this show is. I’m right where I always am when I lose steam and just can't wait for it to be over, so I’m not going to provide details but Taryn cries and Sean gives Sara with one arm a rose and I tear up and hate myself.
Rose Ceremony
Finally we are at the rose ceremony and 12 already have roses so we only have to watch 7! It’s a late Christmas gift from our favorite elf Chris Kringle Harrison.
Which reminds me, I would very much like to see Chris Harrison drunk. I bet he’s fun and his secrets could sink ships.
The rest of the roses go to: Amanda (Alanis Morissette), Lesley M. (football, only looks good in sunglasses), Kacie B (yay!), Kristy (45 year old model), Daniella (escort who makes up handshakes), Taryn (the crier I thought I liked in the blue eyeshadow), and last but not least Lindsay, the crazy drunk bride! What an upset!
Well friends that's all she wrote...or is it??? The best part of the entire show happens after the part where the producers show you absolutely everything that will happen this season, and we get to see our soul mate Ashley “50 Shades” P give her final interview after getting kicked off. She says it was “kind of a bumski” then shows the cameras her ass while telling Sean what he is missing. It is the best 2 minutes of your entire life, that I can promise. I will miss her, but won’t cry because it's over, I will smile because it's happened. One love AshP.
Next week: AshLee organizes the medicine cabinet and wonders which comes first, Herpes or Hepatitis A. See you then!
No comments:
Post a Comment