Chris Harrison shows up at the house in a Canadian Tuxedo to drop off the first date card. Robyn tells us she is praying that it’s for her and that the card reads, “Let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.” Robyn, I was on your side when you were doing back flips in your apartment and falling all over the Bachelor House driveway but now I am on the fence leaning heavily towards hating you. Also, Vampire Diaries called and Bonnie wants her face back.
The date goes to Leslie M (also known as Kid Sister) and the card says, “How long will this love last?” Umm my guess is not very long. Three more episodes tops.
Leslie’s Date
I wonder what craaaazy pranks Sean has in mind for today!!! I would be very careful if you have to pee Leslie, there will definitely be plastic wrap on the toilet seat.
Sean takes Leslie to the Guinness World Record Hall of fame and Kid Sis is pretty pissed about it. Girlie expected helicopters. It turns out that Sean’s dad is actually a world record holder and shockingly it’s not for spawning the worst bachelor America has ever seen. The record itself is actually so boring I don't feel like telling you about it.
Speaking of boring, Sean tells Leslie they are going to break their own record and that normally he would “wait until the evening to crank up the romance, but today we’re starting a little earlier.” How sexy and spontaneous of you, Sean. He is totally the guy that only has sex at night in bed with all the lights off only after both parties have showered. Then of course he says that this date will be “one for the record books” and even I don’t approve that pun.
Puppet Master is working overtime this week in a vest. Yay! There is a very short red carpet and about 40 gross tourists gathered round to see Leslie and Sean break the record for the world’s longest on-screen kiss. That sounds kind of awful but she should be thanking her lucky stars shes not with eat-your-face-Ari.
Somehow the existing record is only for 3 minutes and 51 seconds? That seems short - I don’t know why these lovebirds are so nervous about it. I broke that record at the bar in front of just as many people this weekend. Granted, I had just consumed about 12 vodka sodas so that helped ease the awkwardness. Or maybe not since I was politely asked to leave.
This kiss is the lamest, creepiest thing I have ever witnessed. They are showing us the full 4 minutes and they are doing the entire thing closed-mouth! Sean looks like his robot batteries died at minute 1 and he is stuck in the same awkward kiss/embrace hold and Leslie just keeps running her hands through his hair while smirking. So let me get this straight Sean and Leslie - you have no problem frenching like crazy when there’s just a camera crew from a network prime time television show there, but add in some tourists and suddenly it’s in poor taste to shove your tongues down each other’s throats?? These people came for a show and you give them nothing! How rude.
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| She is literally kissing her grandmother with that mouth. |
Next Sean and Leslie head out to have drinks on top of a building. Seriously, the Bachelor producers cannot get enough of dates on rooftops! Like LA has this beautiful, widely recognized skyline or something. I am pretty sure it does not.
Ugh Leslie says she loved high school and junior high and was kind of a nerd. If you were a nerd there is no way you would have liked either of those things. Then she wisens up and starts talking about how much she loves her family which is basically dirty talk for Sean. She also tells him that he makes her nervous, and Grandpa Sean responds that he’s glad he makes her nervous since she made him feel uncomfortable when she came out of the limo. Allow me to refresh your memory - she had the stupid football routine where she checked out his butt. That’s nothing Sean! Grow a personality. THAT made you uncomfortable but being the Bachelor doesn’t? Time for a priority adjustment. Your life is embarrassing.
Sean ends up offering her a rose and they continue their close mouthed kissing on the roof and then a confetti gun goes off? Wtf? Were the producers like, you know what would make this rooftop date REALLY romantic? A mother fucking confetti gun!! Yea!!
Group Date
There’s 12 girls on this and I’m not going to name them.
AshLee the Adopted Organizer is not one of them and says that she's glad she's not going because it will probably involve some sort of activity. Umm have you seen this show before? Every date involves an activity, and it’s usually life threatening. She is going to have a rude awakening when her date comes around and she has to like skydive into shark infested waters.
The group date begins and its just them hanging out on the beach. Not even a private beach, like a public park. Gross. Oh thank god, Chris Harrison shows up (in long pants and a button down shirt of course - he looks like he is officiating a beach wedding) and tells them that they’re going to be playing beach volleyball. Ugh, if I were there this would be the point that I fake an ailment and offer to go on a smoothie run for the team instead. Everyone likes smoothies. No one likes team sports.
Wow they are all really terrible at volleyball. My friend texted saying it is “the most pathetic feat of athleticism” and that is an understatement.
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| Did they all get their bathing suits at a Rainbow in Orlando? |
So Kacie B’s team wins and the other losers have to go home and Kristy is actually fucking crying. She needs to get it together. Ahh then Leslie H starts crying too! Is Puppet Master going to like beat the shit out of them for losing when they get back to the house or something? I’m not following.
The winning team gets to go back with Sean to his “house”. I love that they are pretending like Sean isn’t just living on the other side of the Bachelor House like bunking with Chris Harrison.
Lindsay the drunk bride is laying it on THICK. She gets Sean alone and tells him she is amazed by him and that he’s everything she wants. I’m learning that Sean is a real big sucker for compliments like that because he is eating that shit up and makes out with her. I think I actually saw some tongue there for a second! That’s like third base for Sean. Although I could be wrong since once again the lighting guy has apparently quit without notice and we actually can’t see a fucking thing.
Back at the House...
The 2nd date card arrives and Tierra reads it and plays a trick where she said its AshLee and Selma going on a date together but it’s really just for AshLee. Uh oh, we might have just found Sean’s soul mate - another prankster! It’s seriously the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen UNTIL Sara makes a huge deal about how you don’t joke about names being on date cards. Way to be uptight Sara. I bet you would also tell me its not cool to joke about how you only have one arm. Sensitive Sally.
Back on the Group Date...
Amanda is talking to Sean and she is being annoying and they keep panning to the rest of the girls talking about how creepy she is. I am not going to lie, I am kind of getting a “The Roommate” vibe and she’s definitely Leighton Meester. That might not be the best reference since I’m pretty sure I’m the only one that saw that movie, but basically what I’m getting at is that if you chose to live with her she would steal your identity and kill all your friends.
Kacie B. tries to be strategic but essentially throws away her chance at a rose by telling Sean about how Desiree thinks Amanda is creepy. Why is she telling him this? Doesn’t she remember how well this kind of thing went over with Ben? Bachelors don’t care about drama between the girls, they just want to have their way with them in the fantasy suites and then send them home before they realize they have crabs. So this conversation is going predictably bad and Sean flat out asks her why she’s telling him this, so Kacie makes a last ditch effort to spin this into something about how she can’t be herself? It makes her sound stupid and Sean actually tells her she is acting like a crazy person!!! OMG I would die. I will bet myself one bottle of wine that this idiot is going home tonight. (win win situation)
The end of the group date has arrived and Sean gives the rose to drunk bride Lindsay and Kacie looks on while simultaneously smiling and crying, which doesn’t do her forehead wrinkles any favors. Creeptastic.
AshLee’s Date
Back at the other side of the house it’s the next day and AshLee the Adopted Organizer is getting ready for her date and wearing a tablecloth. Things are pretty normal until all of a sudden you hear a scream and some thumping which is Tierra falling down the stairs. She can’t get up and the producers do not move a muscle to help her. Hahahahahaha. She is literally just laying on the stairs and eventually Sean shows up and calls an ambulance. She seems really hurt and I feel bad for her for a minute before she starts being an asshole to the EMT’s! Why didn’t she say like, “oh hey guys you don’t need to call an ambulance, I’m ok!” instead of basically playing dead until help arrived then magically waking up and being a dick. She doesn’t end up going to the hospital which is a sly move though because now Sean has forgotten all about AshLee and her tablecloth and is just chilling with Tierra.
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| Is she falling or napping? |
Finally Sean remembers he has a date with the organizer and takes her to 6 Flags. Uh oh AshLee, sounds like an activity. They have the whole park to themselves and awwwww, Sean goes through a charity to include 2 girls suffering chronic illnesses. Good luck talking about your adoption after this, Ash. They are online best friends who are meeting each other for the first time. They are so excited and the cutest people ever and I must say AshLee is being really cool with them and so is Sean. It’s adorable. Aaaaand now I’m crying.
But my tears dry up real fast when I learn that I am going to have to suffer through a Bachelor concert. It’s the Eli Young Band which Sean says is his “favorite band.” Its the biggest lie he’s told since telling Kacie he liked her as more than a friend last week.
Finally that’s over, and Sean and AshLee get some alone time to drink and talk. AshLee tells Sean that she was abused in a foster home and adopted at age 6 when her adoptive father found her at a gas station. Well I’m a huge asshole. She wants to adopt an older child which is really nice and I guess Sean does too. This is cute. AshLee the Organizer might go farther than I thought, I kind of want her to win now. Sean starts crying and I kind of am too and oh god what is happening. AshLee obviously gets a rose.
Final Rose Cocktail
Back at Chez de Harrison, the cocktail party and arguably worst part of the show begins. They all have some serious mixed drinks and it makes me wonder if they maybe have a mixologist in the group? I swear I saw a mojito.
Sean surprises Sara by having her dog arrive in a limo and I am so confused. Did they talk a lot about her dog? How did I miss that? This show makes no sense.
Sean and Tierra go off alone and what the hell is happening on her forehead?! Is that a wound from the stairs? It looks like she has been pressing a beaded necklace into her head for about 3 days straight. As they are talking Desiree steals him away and Tierra works herself up into a crazy frenzy and steals him back, which starts this big long annoying chain of everyone stealing Sean after like 30 seconds of sitting down with someone and it’s stupid.
Kacie B is wearing a scuba suit and a Snookie pouf. She gets about 15 seconds to apologize for being a crazy idiot before AshLee and Selma interrupt. Sean is definitely not letting her off the hook though and gets in some time to tell her they took a few steps backwards. Rut roh.
Rose Ceremony
This room looks like a Cache ad.
Sean immediately pulls Kacie aside in an overly dramatic act to tell her that he respects her too much to have her go through another rose ceremony, and that he thinks they should just be friends. Keep in mind he is holding a rose as he is telling her this. Holy. Shit. That is embarrassing. The good news is that I win and owe myself a bottle of wine. Kacie keeps it composed for the ride to the airport interview thank god. Her exit from Ben’s season was less than graceful.
The remaining roses go to:
Tierra - for falling down the stairs into some beads
Leslie H - really? She has still has not an ounce of screen time
Catherine - I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen her before. Oh she’s the vegan who likes beef
Daniella - still don’t know the difference between her and Taryn
Robyn - acrobat dork
Selma - will make it to top 4 based off looks alone
Sara - one arm who can’t take jokes
Jackie - the Bratz doll. Has also had zero screen time
Amanda - she is hideous and will kill you in your sleep
Desiree - obviously.
So model Kristie and Taryn are going home. This means we might see less crying and I will be able to tell who Daniella is!
Next week: Selma gets to go on a private jet! And it looks like Tierra continues her mission of becoming the stupidest villain the Bachelor has ever seen. Stay tuned!
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