Bachelor Sean - Episode Four: This Episode Is Tierra-ble

Tonight's episode begins surprisingly not with Sean half naked working out but with Chris Harrison putting in a solid 5 seconds of work by dropping off the date card in a Barney purple shirt. Way to keep us on our toes, ABC!  Oh wait, nevermind, they just panned to Sean standing in his closet in his boxer briefs. I’m at a loss. There are only so many gay jokes I can do in the first paragraph of these posts.

Thank god he has all those short sleeved button downs to prove his heterosexuality.

The first date card is for Selma and it says “Let’s turn up the heat.”  For some reason all the other girls are in 50 First Dates and wake up every morning forgetting that they are dating Sean along with a shitload of other girls.  Tierra is about to punch someone that she didn’t get the date card and Leslie (not kid sister, the other Leslie) is crying. They seriously all look like they have a suicide hotline on speed dial.

Selma’s Date

Sean says he has had a connection with Selma since night one.  Considering we have never seen them actually speak to one another I am assuming “connection” means him masturbating while thinking about her boobs.

Eyes up here, Grandpa Sean.

Why is Selma wearing workout clothes? Did they not tell her this date would be televised? Sean is dressed like a normal person so this makes no sense.  They get in a limo and Selma somehow manages to turn a conversation about dancing into how much she weighs. There is seriously NOTHING I hate more than a small woman who throws her exact weight into casual conversation. I would throw all 110lbs of you out the window Selma.

Next they go to a private jet and Selma is super excited but Sean keeps telling the cameras they’re not doing anything glamorous for the actual date.  He’s right about that - they land in Joshua Tree National Park aka my worst nightmare.  This place is basically the backdrop for the end of Casino when Joe Pesci gets the shit beat out of him and then dumped in a sandy grave. I would have that jet take me the fuck home.

Selma quote: “I got the limo, then I got the private jet.  Then they took the Iraqi to the desert”.  Hahahaha.  I bet Sean considers this a prank.

Sean tells her they are going rock climbing and Selma is being just about as whiny and annoying as I would be on this god awful date. She asks if a helicopter is going to take them to the top and if it wasn’t for her boobs I think Sean might slap her.  I love that she’s so high maintenance she can’t even fake being fun for one televised date. I actually weirdly respect her for that.

Sean: "You look cute in that helmet." His Grandpa flirting is making this task 10 times worse.

After Selma kicks ass and endures that bullshit date Sean treats her to an extravagant dinner at a Five Star restaurant. Just kidding.  Apparently the lease hasn't run out on Blakely's Bachelor Pad trailer yet because they have to spend the night at that shit hole. I would be super pissed. Is anyone else thinking that Chris Harrison is just like chillaxing at the Four Seasons using up all of ABCs reward points so these poor desperados are stuck camping in the desert? I'm not saying it’s not a brilliant plan, I just think ABCs accountant has some work to do.

TINY hands.  All the better to pull strings with.

Am I the only one sick of looking straight up Selma's nose?

So Selma tells Sean she can’t kiss him on TV because of her Muslim roots and Sean gets the worst documented case of blue balls I’ve ever seen. They keep whispering to each other and it is making my skin crawl. But he obviously gives her a rose.

Group Date

Sean continues to shower his girls with luxurious dates by taking them to a huge warehouse for roller derby. Is Sean white trash? All signs point to yes. Speaking of, I feel like I would be amazing at roller derby because a) I am scrappy and larger than your average Bachelor contestant and b) I spent the majority of my junior high school career at Happy Wheels, the local roller skating rink where you could tell how much fun you had at the end of the night by the size of the knee holes you got in your stirrup leggings. That is actually way more innocent than it sounds. You are a pervert.

Is Lindsay funny or retarded?  I honestly can’t tell.

Amanda is getting a lot of screen time because she lies and tells everyone she has done roller derby before as an intimidation tactic. It’s working but I think her identity stealing and murdering of all your friends is intimidating enough.  I wouldn’t fuck with her.

God, these idiots can't even stand up straight. They're all fucking terrible at any physical activities.

Once again I ask why they are making Sara do this?! Watching people with one arm fall is not fun or funny.  This actually pisses me off because it's an obvious case of her being balanced differently and not having two arms to get herself off the ground with. What's next a knitting competition?! Sean/Bachelor Producers/Chris Harrison you're a dick.

Cocky (and possible closeted lesbian...?) Amanda falls on her face and the producers act like maybe she broke her chin to kill some time.  She’s having a tough time opening her mouth wide and if that’s not a recipe to get sent home I don’t know what is.  Ba dum ching I’m here all night folks!

You're only hurting yourself with these dates Sean.

Just as predicted Amanda gets taken away to the hospital for “precautionary reasons”.  I believe Sean is a born-again but apparently Jesus is cool with BJ’s - Sean's so scared of more girls getting lockjaw he calls off the whole derby and turns it into Happy Wheels circa 1997 complete with couples skating to “Foolish Hearts” by Steve Perry.  Are you impressed or sad for me that I didn't have to google who sings that?

Next they go to the Roosevelt for cocktail hour and the crazy cracks are starting to show in Tierra’s facade.  Robin couldn’t remember which volleyball team Tierra was on so she freaked out?  I don’t understand what is going on.  Before we know it she is talking to a producer about how she wants to go home and cannot continue to be tortured by these girls.  Torture is someone not knowing about your volleyball team?  I was tortured in high school for BEING on the volleyball team and I would have given my left arm to be in Tierra’s position right now.  Shit, sorry Sara.

While this is going on Lindsay and Sean are making out and getting ready to go in the hot tub together, but Tierra comes out of nowhere and cockblocks the shit out of the drunk bride with her crying.  Sean talks to her in a pitch black hallway for a little while and then leaves to get the rose for Tierra.  What a pussy!  Right when he is out of sight Tierra looks at the camera and gives it a devious smile straight out of Paranormal Activity.  I am legit terrified.  She is a psycho.

Before.

After.  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE SEAN.

Leslie’s Date

Tim Curry woman of color gets a one on one!  The date card came with a pair of hideous diamond earrings that she is insanely excited about and I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand how Neil Lane jewelry borrowing works. You don't get to keep those.

Sean shows up in a vest and takes Leslie to Rodeo Drive to go shopping.  He is comparing the date to Pretty Woman and the irony of this is not lost.  He apparently thinks that every woman fantasizes about being Vivian Ward. I would have to disagree. Being a hooker has never been my fantasy no matter how many diamonds that ho ended up with. I'm pretty sure that in real life being a prostitute includes a lot less diamonds and lot more STDs and heroin addictions than is portrayed in that classic rom-com.

They go to Badgley Mischka and Leslie proceeds to pick out the most hideous dresses in the world to try on.  I’m pretty sure the only runways those dresses have seen are Fashion Bug runways.  Also, Leslie is WAY too impressed by this baloney and keeps saying the dorkiest phrases like “Holy Moly Batman!”  That’s what we call a boner killer, Leslie. Stop it!

She settles on a knee length gray taffeta dress with beading on the top and a huge ass bow. Awesome. Then Neil Lane shows up to show us his spray tan and to let her borrow some more jewelry.  Is anyone else convinced that Chris Harrison witnessed Neil Lane murdering someone and has been blackmailing him to give them diamonds for this show ever since?  It is the only logical explanation.

Oh snap she gets to keep the earrings! I'll admit when I'm wrong.

Also, Leslie you seem like a very nice girl and you and Sean are nice to each other but let me tell you right now you do not have a chance in HELL of winning this.  Take your ugly fancy dress and your hideous diamond earrings, go home, put that shit on eBay, wait for the crazies (Paige) to bid ridiculous amounts for it, sell it for a tidy profit, and use $30 of that for a match.com profile. The end.

Sean's face here is what we call "foreshadowing"

So anyways they go to a fancy dinner in a warehouse of sorts (?) and I am actually attracted to Sean in a tux.  I can’t believe I just said that.  He is basically asking her standard interview questions about love and it seems like he is looking for a flaw.  She is answering pretty well though so Sean is forced to just tell the cameras that he isn't feeling her and can't figure out why.  There is a big racist elephant in this room.  

Back at the house Tierra is eating Doritos off a salad plate.

Sean finally just cuts to the chase and sends Leslie home without a rose.  I knew this would happen!  Leslie is pretty pissed but holds it together for the cameras.  You would think the date would be over now but apparently the producers already put the deposit down on another C list singer/songwriter so they let him play his set while Sean aimlessly wanders the halls alone. HOLY SHIT then they show Sean dramatically dropping the rose like 4 stories and slow motion hitting the ground. Petals go flying.  I hate you Bachelor producers. I hate you so, so much.


Final Cocktail

Tierra is so fucking stupid. It’s really annoying that they are focusing on her being the villain and not on finding some stucco to fill in the dent on her forehead. Seriously, what the fuck is that?!

Robin gets some alone time with Sean and flirts with him by asking him if he wants to taste chocolate before kissing him and I throw up in my mouth.  I don't know that I will ever be the same after witnessing that.

AshLee is the dark horse of this competition.  She plays it cool and is the only one I think Sean actually likes.  They make out and he tells her he thinks about her as much as she thinks about organizing her adoption papers.

Ughhh I really hate this part of the show.  I just realized like 10 minutes went by and I have no idea what happened.  I think Sean talked to Tierra?  And she is fighting with Robin and the Bratz doll?  I don't know.

Vegan Catherine and Sean make out. All they talk about with each other is how hot they think each other are.  Is it bad I think thats a pretty good basis for a relationship?

I can tell it’s almost time for the rose ceremony because this is just about the time I run out of wine.

Rose Ceremony

Tierra and Selma already have roses.  The remaining roses go to...

Catherine - vegan
Des - bridal consultant
Lindsay - drunk bride
Leslie -Kid Sis
Robin - chocolate
AshLee - organizer, dark horse
Sara - one arm
Jackie -  Bratz
Daneilla - who?

Oh snap this means Lockjaw Amanda is going home! Hahaha Sean is a perv! Amazing.

Next week - 2 nights?  This better be worth it.  It looks like Sean makes someone go rock climbing again and Tierra has to have an ambulance called again. So basically more of them same exact thing that happens every week. Remind me to get some vodka. See you then!