Bachelor Sean - Episode Five: Two Women, One Rose, One Stays, One Goes

Hello!  I apologize for this late post - it has been a hectic week for BK Lounge.  And of course it’s the week with 4 hours of the Bachelor.  But we are committed and will be posting the recap for episode 6 very soon so keep checking back!

With that said, let’s get this party started.  

The producers must be reading this blog since they start the episode sans gratuitous nudity from Sean!  Instead they give the people what they want and grant us some good old fashioned Chris Harrison showing up with a date card and telling the girls that the dreaded two-on-one date will be this week.  Puppet Master is always so giddy to deliver this news, I swear he gets off on the smell of fear in the room.  He does soften the blow though by telling the ladies they will now start their worldwide tour beginning in the exotic and magical...

Montana.  Hahaha, everyone looks pissed.  As they should be! I would seriously ask to stay behind. Can Sean stop making them rough it please? This season looks like Bear Grylls' wet dreams. Who by the way we can add the the list of people who would be a better bachelor than Sean right under the 10 million other names. I actually think I would be a better bachelor than Sean.  

Daniella says she is excited to travel with her boyfriend.  Umm, I am pretty sure her and Sean have never spoken.  Not once.

Bride Lindsay gets the first one on one date!  I am excited to get to know her since she seems like a hot mess. A helicopter shows up and for some reason all the girls continue to be impressed by this. There is a helicopter on every single date! It is not impressive or surprising!  What is surprising is how gorgeous Montana turns out to be.  It’s majestic. Lindsay is appropriately loving the scenery and Sean says he is happy she is so outdoorsy.  Sean would hate me. You know my idea of being outdoorsy? Troop Beverly Hills. Now THAT is camping. Great now I can't stop thinking about Girl Scout cookies.

Next Sean and Lindsay land for a picnic on an Indian Burial Ground. Ah yes, nothing says romance quite like the setting of classic love stories such as The Shining, Pet Semetary, and Amityville Horror. They make out and apparently the burial ground powers are real because Sean’s tongue comes back from the dead.  Haha sorry. I hate myself.

Back at the house the girls are foaming at the mouth over the arrival of the date card. The group date card comes and everyone but Tierra and Jackie’s names are on it which means that those two have to go on the two on one!  Tierra and the Bratz doll?!  This is too good to be true.  We owe you one Chris Harrison.  

Back at the scene of hundreds of unsolved murders Sean gives Lindsay the rose and surprises her with a concert by Sarah Darling. First of all, who is that. Second, this is only episode 5 and we have had to endure three of these awful surprise concerts already! It really can't be that hard to think of new date ideas can it? Here's one I literally just came up with right this second: spa day followed by a bomb dinner. BOOM done and way better than this stupid concert where they have to dance on a platform and make out in front of a crowd of strangers.

Group Date

Ugh Selma is one of those small people that think they can just jump on everyone. And what is she wearing on her head? She looks like she fell head first into an Arden B winter accessory bin.

Yikes.

 Goats + canoes + hay = Chris Harrison's twisted Montana relay race fantasy. The girls have to split into 2 teams of 4 and do farmer-like things such as canoeing, bucking hay (what is that?!) and crawling through a log, but Puppet Master says his favorite part is that they have to milk a goat.  You are such a perv CH, I know what you’re up to.  Basically all these goats are getting hand jobs and then to win someone from each team has to drink the milk!  Does anyone else see what is going on here?!

Red Team: Selma, Robin, Desiree, Sara
Blue Team: Leslie, AshLee, Catherine, Daniella

So the race begins and both teams are off in their canoes. The red team paddles directly into a bush... and then another bush. The blue team is smoking them and docks their canoe so their other teammates can start the hay carrying portion of this shit show. Somehow they fuck up carrying hay and the red team passes them in the wood cutting leg. Both teams are now milking goats and the red team’s goat shows her clear disdain for their handjob skills by kicking over their almost filled milk jar. Haha burned by a goat. Desiree chugs the milk and wins it for the red team. I don’t know why I just told you that play by play as if anyone cares.

Do you know how much they charge for goat's milk at Whole Foods?
That is a delicacy.

So the blue team heads home and the rest of the gang heads to a dive bar downtown which is actually cool of them. Finally doing something normal on a date! The producers are not satisfied with the lack of death defying stunts and obstacle courses though so they decide to amp up the drama by having Sean bring the blue team back. So now poor Chris Harrison has to cut his night at the local strip club short and go to the girls’ house to wrangle the losers.  He gets there and they are already drinking wine on the couch wearing sweatshirts (which is exactly what I am doing right now as well) but they act like they won the lottery when they find out they have to get up and shower and put on makeup to go meet Sean again. Apparently being desperate gives you a lot of energy. I would be like sorry but I'm in for the night.

Side note Daniella has yet to speak a full sentence this season.

Sean drops the bomb on the red team that the blue team is coming back and you would think he just told them that Valtrex causes rapid weight gain. They are PISSED. Selma might actually stab someone. Desiree is also furious but that I can understand - I would be upset too if I had to endure goat milk induced diarrhea all afternoon.

Umm omg.  Tierra shows up out of nowhere in a stolen lumberjack shirt and crashes the group date that the blue team has already crashed. Double crash! I like it. I like it alot. I do have to give this season some credit for not giving a fuck about the rules or common decency. I feel like we have Chris Harrison and his recent divorce combined with 20 years of service to ABC to thank for that so kudos, Puppet Master. Anyways Tierra sneaks up behind Sean while the producers are interviewing him and puts her hands over his eyes and he freezes for a solid 5 seconds without making a move. I think we just saw Sean shit his pants on national television. Then there’s a commercial break and this might be the only time I have ever watched this show and been on the edge of my seat.  I am so excited.

We come back and Tierra takes Sean outside to confront him about why she got a 2 on 1.  I weirdly kind of like her for doing that, way to speak your mind and bring up the problem, girl.  Sean stutters and looks uncomfortable so they make out a little and she goes home.  Well that was a lot of buildup for very little pay off.  That’s what she said.

It is a complete waste of my time to talk about Sean’s alone time with any of these girls.  He acts like he is in love with every single one of them and makes out with all of them.

Back at the house the two on one date card arrives and Puppet Master personally wrote a bitchy poem in it that says “Two women, one rose, one stays, one goes. - Chris Harrison”  HAHA. All the date cards usually come from Sean so I’m pretty sure CH just thought of that rhyme and refused to let anyone else take credit for it.  God bless him.

Sean says he wants to do is snuggle with Catherine.  Gross.

Daniella finally gets the balls to go break up their cuddle fest and we find out why this idiot hasn't spoken all season...she doesn't want to interrupt Catherine and Sean because "they're like sitting on each others laps." That is not possible Daniella, so I'm going to let you think about the logistics of what you just said while I pack up your suitcase for you.

Ugh except she's not going anywhere because she cried and Sean felt bad and gave her a rose. Sean is such a pussy!  And I feel like that is sending a very confusing message to the teenage girls watching this show. Cry and be pathetic = boys will like you?  Trust me girls, what is really going on here is that crying will buy Daniella one more week before she has the world watch an albino Jesus freak Ashton Kutcher wannabe give her an STD then send her packing. Do not try this at home.

Robin looks like she’s part of the Crypts.

Two on One

Yay!!!  It's time for the two on one date and apparently leopard print is part of the dress code because both Jackie and Tierra are wearing it. 

Tierra's Sketchers Shape Ups complete the look

Bratz gets time with Sean and tells the cameras that she has some good dirt on Tierra.  I am expecting something awesome like she’s currently married or was born with a tail, but all Jackie tells him is that Tierra flirted with a guy at the airport.  Sean actually seems concerned and if that is grounds for breaking up with someone then I have no hope for love in my life.  Then of course Bratz and Sean make out.  Should I even bother telling you that?

The three of them head to the most silent dinner date I have ever seen. Sean pulls Tierra aside to have some alone time and she confesses that she was with a guy who was in rehab and Sean immediately says "drug and alcohol rehab?" No Sean candy rehab.

Tierra ends up getting the rose and not even Bratz is surprised.  Maybe it’s because she saw the preview for the next episode when Tierra gets hypothermia.  Its called a spoiler alert, producers.  Sean explains his rose choice to the camera and says that he’s glad Tierra opened up because he’s starting to see why she is so emotional and attaches herself so strongly to men. Ok, is knowing why someone does that a reason to keep them around?  Like, even though she has a sad story what about the fact that she is still a clingy lunatic? These people are so stupid.

Speaking of stupid, Sean and Tierra watch some fireworks and she almost cries.  Does she not understand that Sean has no hand in paying for or arranging these things?  Stop acting like he’s some romantic casanova.  He’s a dorky prankster who in 3 weeks will be picking you up in his hatchback and taking you to dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

Cocktail Party

All the girls hate Tierra.  Robin goes to talk to her and says shes going to make this the bad girls club. I would think that was funny if I wasn’t legitimately scared of her. But all that happens is Tierra basically ends up fighting with herself.

Sean is finally realizing maybe Tierra is an asshole and he gets wicked tense and stressed about it.  So of course Chris Harrison gets to finally enact his favorite role of pretending to be a psychologist and sits down with Sean.  He plays the part by asking Sean questions with his hands folded while looking concerned.  I love you CH, never change.

Rose Ceremony

And the roses go to...

Selma
Catherine
Leslie
AshLee
Sara
Des
So that means Robin is going home.  Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming.  

Keep checking back for the next recap very soon!  I hear Tierra’s body gets as cold as her heart.  See ya then!