We begin with Sean in Canada soaking up more goddamn nature. From Montana to Canada? This world tour is the worst. The girls arrive and of course pretend to be in awe and super excited about all the mountains and trees. And of course Selma is wearing Louboutins.
Catherine's Date
The first date card arrives for Catherine, the Asian vegan. The producers are dicks and make her wait for the date by standing outside in a desolate area during a blizzard in a very lightweight coat. It seems like a while before Sean finally shows up...driving a giant snow bus that reminds me of the snow tractor in The Shining that Shelley Duvall uses to escape. Good, Catherine will need a getaway vehicle when she realizes this "date" is Sean like forcing her to manually build an igloo and kill a squirrel for dinner.
Sean hands Catherine a onesie snow suit and says they are going to go play on a glacier. He takes her to a frozen tundra which I can assure you, looks pretty much like Nemo did this past weekend.
OMG, Sean’s spray tan is having a BAD reaction in the cold and it’s making his skin orange and his hair looks translucent. He looks like a snow creature from Narnia.
This date is ridiculous, why are they still outside?! It’s been like 20 minutes of Catherine pretending to have fun doing somersaults and being pulled in a sled. Her game is working though and Sean says Catherine passed the “blizzard test”. Seriously Sean, I have had enough. Stop making all your dates a test if they can make it through miserable situations!!!
Finally the onesie snowsuit portion of the date ends and after a quick trip to the frostbite clinic Catherine is ready for what will surely be a very unromantic evening, starting with a horse drawn carriage ride. Is Danielle Steel a producer or something? Anyone who thinks a horse drawn carriage is romantic obviously doesn’t understand the logistics of sitting directly behind a horses ass.
But their carriage takes them to an ice castle which is pretty fucking cool. I want one! There is a rose in an ice block and I can’t stop thinking about Beauty and the Beast. Or in this case Vegan and the Beef.
I am pretty sure that Chris Harrison gives these girls a list of topics that they must cover within a two date span and one of them is picking the biggest moment in your life that defines you as a person. Catherine is deciding to get this one out of the way quickly and tells Sean that once at summer camp she went hiking and a tree fell over and killed her friend instantly. Wtf?! That might be the most horrific and traumatizing story I have ever heard and now I can add trees to my list of crippling fears along with the ocean and rats. Where the fuck am I going to be able to go?
So now between the ice castle they’re sitting in and that horrific story, Sean’s balls are somewhere up around his armpits. He panics and immediately gives Catherine the rose.
Group Date
The girls show up and Sean announces that the date will be another fucking canoe ride. Seriously?! This has become a cruel freak show of watching people with one arm do things that are physically impossible for them.
Lesley is crafty and makes sure she is the one that gets to be alone with Sean in his canoe. Selma is jealous and says she wants a shark to come out of the lake and eat Lesley. There is no doubt in my mind that Selma 100% believes there are sharks in that lake.
The gang pulls up to some tents and it turns out that Sean wants them to do a “polar bear plunge” which essentially means that Sean hates them and is trying to kill all of them in one swoop. Keep in mind that this water is glacier fed so just a tad above freezing and he wants them to jump in. Fuck. That. A lot of the girls look less than enthused and Sean basically says that no one has to do it, but then they won’t pass his “hypothermia test” which must be earned in order to be his wife.
Side note - is AshLee cross eyed??
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| Her eyes could be a little better organized. |
Selma becomes my new favorite by flat out refusing to do it. Haha god I love her. Sean keeps trying to convince her to change her mind by saying it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. I would beg to differ - there are freezing bodies of water like 6 months out of the year that she can jump into if she wants. This is just a regular old opportunity to have really hard nipples on national television.
Eventually everyone minus Selma jumps in and it looks terrible. Someone keeps letting out high pitched screams and it’s driving me crazy.
Oh god, here we go...the moment we've all been waiting for. Tierra seemed fine at first but then all of a sudden starts flailing around like someone on acid who wandered into a swarm of bees. The ginger lifeguards have to carry her inside and wrap her up like a baked potato in one of those foil capes. It looks bad but Sean seems very unconcerned with Tierra’s health, probably because this is like the 3rd date where someone has had to go off in an ambulance so he’s just used to it by now. Newsflash Sean - girls shouldn't be getting seriously injured to have a chance at love with you. Stop having dates like this. Dinner and a movie is the standard for a reason.
The silver lining is that Tierra has now provided a valuable lesson to future Bachelor contestants: If the producers tell you to bring a bathing suit, wear waterproof mascara.
The other girls are bitching that Tierra is a drama queen and alluding to the fact that she is faking it which I actually think is a little bitchy considering we all saw her shaking violently with blue lips - until they immediately cut to Tierra sitting on a bed in a hotel robe, wearing an oxygen tube and eating a Whopper. Amazing. I think I owe credit where credit is due...Tierra, my friend, well done.
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| I would fake hypothermia for a cheeseburger too. |
They are now starting the cocktail party portion of the date and Tierra gets told to stay behind and rest. The girls are excited about this because that means “guaranteed no drama”. Also guaranteed is that this cocktail party will be boring as shit.
Sara decides to sit Sean down and show him a shitload of family photos starting from when she was a baby and chronicling through her adolescence when she wasn’t even a blonde yet! Jesus Sara what did Sean ever do to you? Oh wait he made you do a ton of activities that require two arms. Nice revenge. No one likes pictures of people they don’t know.
Tierra of course ends up showing up to the cocktail party and the girls are pissed but it’s uneventful. Can Sean please stop saying “bless your heart” to Tierra?! He might as well just knit that phrase into an afghan for her. Granny.
Lesley calls Tierra a Tierra-ist. Haha, good one. Then Sean gives Lesley the rose even though Tierra got almost hypothermia! What a glorious surprise.
Back at the house Sean wants to send someone home so badly that he can’t stand it. He tells the cameras it has to happen now and he can’t wait for the rose ceremony. I would seriously put $100 on it being Daniella.
OH MY GOD IT'S SARA. Not cool Sean, not cool. Sara handles it pretty well but does some crying which makes me choke up a little. I hope she finds love! Sara, if you’re reading this know that you can do so much better than this dumbass Narnia snow creature. Go home and find someone cool that won’t spend their life pranking you and making you go outside all the time.
Desiree Date
Desiree has the next date, making her the first girl to have 2 one on one dates with Sean. Of course Sean immediately tricks Des and tells her they are having a picnic which she is all excited about until she finds out they have to rappel down a mountain to get to it. Ugh, I can’t talk anymore about how awful and rude these dates are. Sean tries to justify the rappelling by saying that he wants her to do this to show that if you commit to something you can make it work. Umm fine, but I don’t see why a harness has to be involved to prove this message. Can’t they just commit to finishing a bottle of champagne instead?
Is it just me or are the girls all looking kind of chunky in the face? See what nature does to you?!
Sean and Des finally make it down for the picnic and Desiree gets to rest for about 30 seconds before Sean says they should climb a tree. Is there such a thing as Wilderness ADD? Sean keeps saying these things are cool to do on dates because it’s something they've never done before. You know what’s also cool to do on dates that you haven’t done before Sean? Not be a douchebag.
They end the night with drinks in a teepee. Desiree is also checking off the “reveal a defining moment” box tonight and tells Sean she had to live in a tent when she was growing up because her family “didn't have a lot of money”. Umm...if you had to live in a tent I’m pretty sure you had NO money. Does anyone else feel like she is lying? Of course Sean is eating this story up though and gives Des the rose, followed by Des dropping the best line of the season yet: “I opened up about spending some of my life in a tent, and here I am falling in love in a teepee.” YES.
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| This all happened while Sean was wearing a sweater from the women's section of LL Bean. I couldn't not mention it. |
Cocktail Party
Tierra is playing hardball tonight and decided to accessorize her white dress with a roadkill necklace. She looks like she is auditioning to be the mistress of a Russian Tsar.
Selma is nervous about maybe being sent home so she ends up throwing her family’s values out the window and kissing Sean. It is the worst kiss ever and she just presses her lips on his without any movement. I can’t say I blame her though - Sean, maybe if you didn’t act like a grandmother you wouldn’t get kissed like one.
AshLee gets some one on one time with Sean and continues her streak of creeping me the fuck out by turning it into a some kind of weird vulnerability game where Sean blindfolds her and carries her around? What? Where am I and how much wine have I had?
Rose Ceremony
Wow Chris Harrison makes his first appearance this episode and there are only 10 minutes left?! Not cool. I knew something was missing! We missed you Puppet Master.
Whoa two are going home tonight! Excellent. Time to trim the fat.
Lesley, Desiree, and Catherine already have roses. The remaining go to...
Lindsay
AshLee
Tierra
So this means Daniella and Selma are going home!!! Daniella was a given but Selma is an upset. Except OMG...she’s the one that didn’t jump in the lake! Now it all makes sense. Sean is such a dick with his wilderness requirements. I hate him.
Next week it’s time for St. Croix and more Tierra drama! That recap will be up Wednesday, I promise. See you then!
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