So now we have come to the part of the season where we get to watch Chris Harrison spoon feed Sean talking points for a solid hour. You know what ABC? I have errands that I need to run eventually. You can’t keep taking up more than 2 hours of my week with your show.
But on the bright side...a whole hour of Chris Harrison, PhD! Now, THAT I can get on board with. If you want to get really trashed drink every time CH proves he’s listening by folding his hands. You will need to have your stomach pumped. Let’s get started!
Find me a bachelor that hasn't said “I never thought I would develop feelings for all these women.” I’m pretty sure because of all those feelings a lot of these women are having strong feelings too...intense, itchy, burning feelings.
They’re recapping Desiree’s fall from grace and, you guessed it! It’s still her creepy convict brother Nate’s fault she went home. I think there might be a big story in the papers this week about Des murdering her brother. The crazy twist will be when we find out she murdered him while pregnant with his baby.
Next they talk about Sara and how her having one arm didn’t matter to Sean...riiiiight. Omg are we really revisiting Sara’s ziplining story??? After Catherine’s tales of terror this just seems ridiculous. But Chris Harrison does make an interesting comment about how some viewers were very mad that Sean made her go on that roller derby date, which leads me to believe that Chris Harrison reads our blog and is quite possibly a fan. Hey Puppet Master, watch your back. I am coming for your job.
This episode should be called Sean Tells Us Things We Already Know.
Next, we’re talking about Selma, aka my favorite person that has ever been on the Bachelor. They basically just focus on how Selma wouldnt kiss on television and I’m reminded of how much of a dick move it was that Sean got rid of her right after she compromised all her family and religious values. Especially since Sean is a born again virgin. People in glass houses...
Woah Chris Harrison says there was AMAZING sexual chemistry between Sean and Selma despite not kissing. I guess we now know what Harrison is storing in his spank bank.
Recapping a recap is almost as mind numbing as watching a 3 minute long closed mouth kiss.
Speaking of, now it’s time to talk about lil sis aka Lesley. And of course we have to watch their terrible long grandma kiss again. Awesome.
Oh my god. They show a never before seen clip of Lesley and Sean joking around trying to eat a brownie and Sean says, “You know how daddy likes his brownie.” I don’t think I will ever be the same. I have never felt so violated by a virgin before. I seriously want to throw up. Actually, this could really help my diet. I am keeping that clip on my dvr for whenever I feel the urge to eat.
Next Chris asks Sean if he would have kept Lesley if she had said she loved him and Sean says he would have! Wtf is that reasoning? It’s a pretty well documented rule that Sean can’t say I love you back to any girls until the finale. I don’t think its ridiculous that a girl wouldn’t want to just put it all out there knowing they can’t get a response! Lesley was the shit and Sean is stupid and now I’m all riled up.
As if I wasn’t riled up enough already, now it’s Tierra Time! I’m glad Sean recognizes that he was an idiot for not seeing what an absolute psycho she is, but I think it’s a little unfair for him to say that she should have never have come on the show. Can you imagine this season without Tierra?! Like half my jokes would have been gone and I would have for sure lost interest after drunk bride Lindsay turned out to not be at all wild or crazy. Tierra saved the whole season in her Sketchers with her Munchausen’s syndrome and mysterious forehead dents.
Yay, now we are revisiting our old BFF Ashley P! In case you’ve forgotten she was the drunk gem that was obsessed with 50 Shades of Gray who got absolutely wasted and eliminated the first night. I miss her so much. They show a lost clip of her telling Sean the same story three times about how much her mom loves him and it’s hysterical. Chris Harrison then says he was disappointed she was so crazy since he had her in the final 4 of his Bachelor Pool and lost a lot of money on her. Umm ok. Two things. 1) WE ARE HAVING A BACHELOR POOL FROM NOW ON. Why haven't I thought of this before?!?! Its the women’s version of fantasy football and it will be awesome. And 2) Chris Harrison, your gambling problem is becoming more and more apparent.
Also news to us is that Catherine passed Sean funny "nerd notes" all season which we didn’t get to see because ABC apparently thinks their audience hates humor. One of them said, “Sean I have a major crush on you. PS Your arms are hairless - I dig that”. Nerd or not, I think she’s funny and I hope she knows what's good for her and bounces off of this show.
Sean and Chris start talking about how flexible Catherine is and I’m back to wanting to throw up.
Who goes crowd surfing at a Sarah Darling concert?? Sean Lowe, thats who.
Chris is asking about the fantasy suites...here we go. This would be a good time for Sean to mention that he’s a born again and only wants to close mouthed kiss. Chris keeps asking how physical he wants to get and Sean says that’s none of his business...which means he’s probably planning on breaking his chastity vow with all 3 of them. And CH will totally be making a peephole in the closet and hiding in there.
Wow, the show is over? That went by quickly! Every episode should only be one hour that was fun! Ummmmm OH MY GOD what the hell is going on...they are playing like porno music while we watch Sean shower and I feel like a dirty old cougar! All this makes me think is that right now there are women like howling over this scene and I am ashamed to be lumped in with the same demographic. Hot abs though (wink).
Next week - Fantasy Suite Dates, where everyone keeps their pants on and plays Uno and various other board games that people that don’t have sex play. Don’t be too excited.
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