1) It’s the K in BK Lounge’s birthday today! Happy bday bestie. When you blow out your candles please wish for a Chris Harrison sex scandal. Love you!
2) I don’t usually tune into the scenes for the next episodes since they are giant spoilers and it’s more fun to not watch them, so therefore I missed an amazing segment after the “Eyebrow” episode that showed a lost clip from Sean and Lesley’s date in which they are talking about family traditions. This was thankfully brought to my attention and still on my dvr so I checked it out, and let me tell you, it was worth it. I am concerned that some of you missed this too so I feel it is my duty to tell you about it. Buckle up. Sean tells Lesley that 7 years ago his dad started a tradition on Christmas Eve where all the “kids” aka him and his married sister dress in pajamas and drive around to look at the Christmas lights. Sean is 25. Seven years ago he was EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. His sister was even older! This is a highly unacceptable age to start this sort of tradition. He showed Lesley a picture of him in adult sized red zip-up pajamas!!! If you still have this episode saved, I highly recommend checking it out, it’s horrifying. I continue to be shocked at how much of a loser Sean is, its is seriously unreal.
P.S. Thanks mom for alerting me to this dork-ery.
3) It’s the week we have all been waiting for....hometown dates! I would just like to take a moment to remember my favorite moment ever of hometown dates. It was Giant Forehead Ashley’s season and we got to Meet JP’s mom who was dressed in a sweater covered in buttons and showed us a HUGE picture of JP from the early 90’s. It was magical. Thank you ABC and Chris Harrison for letting us meet that button covered gem. It has not gone unappreciated or forgotten.
Ok now we can start.
AshLee’s House
We start in AshLee’s hometown date in Houston Texas. They always put the boring dates first so let’s keep this short. AshLee compliments Sean on his reaction to her telling him she got married at 17 and that it was perfect since it's exactly how her dad would have reacted. Don't worry AshLee, it’s not creepy at all to want a husband exactly like your adopted father. And also was she on the same date we were watching? Sean’s eyes almost popped out of his skull and all he could manage to say was, “That’s....young.” What a catch.
AshLee says that she thought she knew what love was, but had no idea before coming on the Bachelor and experiencing true love with Sean. I wonder how many other girlfriends she thought the guy she’s in love with could have at the same time as her before?
Omg they’re skipping through a meadow!
After their frolicking is over, they head over to AshLee’s parents' house. Her dad Bruce looks like he could be cast in Varsity Blues as an angry football coach and her mom Deborah looks like a man. They both have clearly had bad experiences with box hair color.
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| If Sonic the Hedgehog was a spokesman for Rogaine. |
AshLee is talking about the Polar Bear Plunge and starts crying. Can’t say I blame her, that shit was traumatizing. But ugh she is trying to pass it off as a moment of strength and overcoming her vulnerabilities instead of saying that it was just borderline abuse which we all know it was. God, I’m still really pissed about that.
Why did she tell her parents they rolled around in the sand in St. Croix?! Sean looks very uncomfortable and Deborah looks like she is about 2 seconds away from fainting. I was appalled too Deborah.
AshLee’s dad is wearing light jeans, cowboy boots, a plaid button down, and a corduroy blazer. Just thought that should be noted and documented. He keeps saying that he fell in love with AshLee at first sight and says he won’t pass her on to another man unless that man also loves her like that. Umm, I don’t think that love is supposed to be the same...
But in all seriousness, are 29 year old's eligible for adoption? Because I am seriously considering camping out in front of Bruce and Deb’s door until they take me in. I'm a bitch but they are adorable and possibly the nicest people in the world.
Catherine’s House
Sean heads to Catherine’s in Seattle. Of course they head to that famous market to catch fish. Is that mandatory if you go to Seattle or something? Sean has to stand in front of a crowd and catch dead fish and I’m glad someone is finally making him do something gross and annoying! Wow literally as I was typing that he makes her do it too. Cool, now they will BOTH smell like cod for the rest of the day.
That gum wall is how cholera started.
They head over to Catherine’s house to meet the family and it’s her mom, grandmother and two sisters. To make a joke about her suicidal dad or not to make a joke about her suicidal dad, that is the question. After much consideration I’ll go with not. Anyways the ladies immediately pour tons of wine so I like them. Then they make Sean put on a frilly apron and do push ups in the living room and its the first time I don’t hate him. Catherine makes him fun!
Holy shit, Catherine’s sisters are huge bitches! They totally throw her under the bus and tell Sean she is messy, moody, immature, and selfish. I mean that’s probably true but hometown dates are not the time for truth telling! Everyone knows that. Worst siblings ever. Sean is understandably second guessing a future with Catherine and they leave on really awkward terms.
Lindsay’s House
It’s Lindsay’s turn in Fort Leonard Wood, MO. What? Where? Basically it’s an army base and my nightmare. This whole town looks like an abandoned western movie set and I keep waiting for a tumble weed to blow by. Lindsay has nothing planned for this date except just walking around and it’s really fucking uneventful. Although, despite this boring date I have a feeling they’re going to end up together. They seem very compatible.
Now Lindsay is making Sean do push ups! Is this a requirement for all hometown dates?
Sean won’t shut up about how super nervous he is to meet Lindsay’s dad because he is an army general. Does he think he’s going to make him enlist or beat him with a pillowcase full of soap or something? Relax, pansy.
Lindsay’s parents seem really sweet and her mom is PUMPED to marry her off to Sean. Her father on the other hand...well, actually also kind of pumped! The previews made this look very dramatic but he turns out to be a very nice man who just pauses before giving Sean his blessing. That’s nice but I would like to think that if I was on this show and I made it to hometown dates my dad would not give his blessing to a stranger that is dating 3 other people. Unless there was some sort of prize money involved.
Lindsay tells Sean she is falling in love with him and he says “that means so much to me.” I understand it's against the rules for him to say it back to anyone but still, that would suck. At least she’s not screaming it on a chair.
Desiree’s House
Des meets Sean in workout clothes and they go on a hike and it’s boring.
Wait, why is Desiree’s house nice? She doesn't live in a tent or even a double wide! This date is disappointing already. Until she shows Sean all of the “art” that she made on the wall which looks like she cut up JP’s mom’s button sweater and glued it to a canvas.
OMG, the producers called Desiree’s ex boyfriend! He is seriously talking like he has memorized lines and its ridiculous. He keeps saying he has been trying to contact Desiree and she says she has “been busy.” What? This is so scripted and weird. Sean is getting all riled up though and is basically preparing to fight and I am PRAYING punches get thrown. That would make my week.
Ohhh, ok, this was a prank by Desiree. Her ex-boyfriend was played by a man named Nick who is apparently a professional actor which is really sad for him, I thought for sure she was going to say he was her neighbor or something. But awesome, Sean got pranked! It was kind of a bad one but he deserves it.
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| You are witnessing the most fake, nervous laugh. And Desiree's "artwork" as a bonus! |
Desiree’s parents are exactly how I imagine the parents from the Glass Castle.
Des’s brother Nate comes in with guns BLAZING. Relax buddy, you’re on ABC. He seems like he is on testosterone pills and is wanted in multiple states. I am weird combination of terrified and grossly attracted to him. I can’t believe I just admitted that.
Nate is totally calling out Sean though and it’s kind of awesome. He is not down with the process of the Bachelor and Sean is trying to southern charm him but it doesn't seem to be working. He tells Sean he’s a playboy and just having fun with all these girls, which is true if being a playboy means making them go on horrible dates and constantly close-mouthed kissing all of them. He’s a playboy in the eyes of like the 1700’s.
Nate and Sean go back inside and things only get worse. No one has touched their delicious looking steak and this dinner is painfully awkward and ends abruptly. I wonder if Des will ever forgive her dirtbag brother? I also wonder what will happen to those steaks.
Rose Ceremony
We get to see Chris Harrison playing psychologist for a few minutes! What a treat.
Des is freaking out about how her brother basically screwed her over and at this point I think its safe to say she should pack her bags. It’s all fun and games until you meet an asshole family member that you could potentially be stuck with for life.
And we were right...the final rose goes to Catherine and Des is out. She is devastated and I feel bad for her. Maybe when she goes home love will blossom with Actor Nick? That would be awesome.
Tomorrow night...Sean tells all! Which promises to be the most boring episode of the season. At least Chris Harrison will be there. I miss him. See you then!
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