This week they take the crew to the tropical island St. Croix. Thank god! I was fairly certain that after making them go to Montana and Canada the next stop would be Oymyakon, Russia. This week is extra special too since me and Sean are kind of having our own hometown date considering my parents live in St. Croix. I’m hoping this means I will have the inside scoop on how trashy the places the producers are willing to pay for are.
They are staying at the Buccaneer Hotel, which is actually nice. How sweet of Chris Harrison to share the wealth a little for once. Tierra immediately causes tension by choosing not to bunk with the ladies and pulls a cot into the living room since she’s “not friends with girls who like her boyfriend.” Seriously, what qualifies as a boyfriend these days? Hanging out once every couple weeks and maybe making out? If that’s the case I’ve had about 70 boyfriends. Go me. Then Tierra shows an odd moment of clarity and says that Sean keeps saying he’s crazy about her yet not giving her date cards, and if he’s crazy about her why doesn’t he want to spend time with her? Oh, Tierra. Ask no questions and hear no lies.
AshLee gets the first date card and Tierra immediately gets jealous and calls her a cougar since AshLee is 34 and should be married and settled by now. Umm, I think when Tierra is 34 she will stop eating her feelings and start eating her words.
AshLee’s Date
Sean is taking her on a sweet catamaran to their own private island and it looks awesome. But as with every date Sean “plans” there is a catch....the boat is like 100 feet out and they have to swim to it. There are barracudas and stingrays and poisonous puffer fish in that water! I would totally pull a Selma and say NOPE. Then when they finally get to the boat Sean makes them jump off and almost land on razor sharp coral! What is this, Fear Factor? They better not go near any wooded areas or I will lose it.
Sean subtly asks if there is anymore drama in the house and of course AshLee tells him what an asshole Tierra is and how everyone hates her. Or at least that’s what I think happened...I spent the entire conversation trying to determine what the fuck is going on with AshLee’s face. After intense scrutinizing I am pleased to report that I can now say with 100% certainty that AshLee has a wonky eye. Mystery solved.
Then they have the most un-sexy beach make out I have ever seen. Sean is just laying on top of her not moving and I’m nervous he may be trying to drown her in the waves. It’s like the worst rendition of the Prince Eric/Ariel kiss in the world. Let me tell you something Sean - Prince Eric was my first crush and you are NO PRINCE ERIC. You do kind of remind me of Scuttle, though.
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| Percussion. Strings. Winds. Crabs. |
AshLee manages to escape with her life and now they’re at dinner where Sean asks her if there is anything about her family that he should know. AshLee is fumbling over her words and it takes her about a solid minute before she spits out that she got married and divorced when she was 17 (cue banjos). All Sean can manage to say is, “You were a married high school junior? That’s...young.” Every time Sean judges someone an angel gets a freckle.
AshLee stands on a chair and yells that she loves Sean. I am too embarrassed for her to elaborate on that.
Tierra’s Date
Tierra gets the next date card, which says “lets explore the streets of St Croix.” She gets all upset since she thought she would get to go on a cool boat or a ride on the Bachelor-copter. Shut the fuck up Tierra.
They go shopping and Sean (ABC) buys her a bunch of crappy shit at the tourist stands downtown and Tierra is pumped. Really? When do you think you will wear that huge shell necklace again? Grocery shopping in Jersey? No.
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| How many linen shirts does Sean own? The answer: too many. |
After shopping they go to dinner and Sean’s blonde facial hairs are glowing in the candlelight like bright golden pubes dancing on a sunbeam. Tierra tells Sean that she feels he has been distant and Sean admits they have fallen behind...if that sounds familiar it’s because those are also the last words he said to Kacie B before sending her packing. So things aren't looking good for Tierra. But she’s in a tough spot since apparently it’s mandatory “say I love you to Sean” day so she just throws it out there awkwardly that she is falling in love with him and this seems excessive right after AshLee’s chair show. Chris Harrison...I know you’re behind this!
Group Date
The girls on this are Lindsay, Catherine, and Desiree.
Oh god, Sean has his pranking pants on again. He breaks into the girls room, wakes them up, and takes pictures of them without makeup on. He is officially the least attractive man on the planet to me. I hate him so much. He’s like an 8th grade boy.
It is 5:27am and they drive to the easternmost point on the island watch the sunrise. I like this idea in theory but I know if I was there I would never wake up for it. However if you can get over the rude wakeup call, this date actually looks wicked fun. It involves seeing the sunrise and the sunset with a bunch of shit in between. I just hope one of those activities is a nap.
Wow, there is really not much to say here. They go to sugar mills and the rainforest and all of it looks pretty fun. They end up at some weird treehouse and Desiree climbs up it very skillfully, which makes sense since she probably lived in one at some point.
They end up at a beach and it’s pretty boring until Catherine drops her second childhood trauma bomb on Sean and tells him that her dad tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters when she was 14. Where did she grow up, District 12?
Sean gives the rose to Lindsay. Well that was unexpected.
Lesley’s Date
Lesley gets the next date card and Sean starts it out by saying “These dates are usually so big and glamorous but that sometimes gets in the way for me.” Umm, excuse me? What about the previous dates have been glamorous?! We’ve had goat milking, hiking, multiple canoe trips, swimming in freezing water, carrying hay, roller derby, rock climbing...those are real things that he made them do!!! The nicest date I can think of is when he went all pretty woman on the other Lesley and sent her home mid-date.
They end up just picking fruit and you can tell that Sean wants to send her home immediately. I do like Lesley’s outfit though. And that is seriously all I have to say about their date.
Back at the Buccaneer...
Sean’s sister aka Kylie Minogue shows up dressed like a watermelon. She is really excited to be on tv and definitely prays every night for the power to resist the urge to bang her brother.
Tierra decides to confront AshLee about talking shit about her on her date with Sean. AshLee holds her own until Tierra throws the age card out. Low blow! Lesson of the day - always say good morning to everyone or they will hate you forever. When AshLee starts really telling Tierra how awful she is Tierra just completely loses it and starts screaming a series of random hysterical things such as:
“My parents told me, Tierra, you have a sparkle! Don’t let those girls take it away from you!”
“I know I always have a raised eyebrow! That’s just my FACE! I can’t control my eyebrow!”
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| Came across this, needed to share. Chris is still the worst. |
Best day ever. So Tierra moves to her cot to cry uncontrollably and conveniently that’s when Sean shows up to have her come meet his sister. He asks her what’s going on and she tells him that everyone is mean to her and it finally dawns on Sean that people that are always talking about how big their hearts are usually are the biggest assholes. He tells Tierra to wait there for a moment and I think she’s thinking he’s going to get a rose...but really he is just going for a walk outside to look thoughtful for the cameras before going back in and telling Tierra to go home. I honestly didn’t see that coming! It makes me actually like Sean for a fleeting moment.
Tierra of course doesn’t handle this well and her crazy continues for the ride to the airport. She is crying like me when I first saw All Dogs Go To Heaven. She covers her face with her hands and my last thoughts of her are that her open heart tattoo looks like a cartoon ballsack.
Cocktail Party
Where the HELL is Chris Harrison?!? I am not down with this ABC. Actually I know exactly where he is - there is a casino about 15 minutes from the Buccaneer. CH - try out the $5 Mississippi Stud table. It’s my jam.
Sean continues his clarity by putting the kibosh on the cocktail party and goes right to the rose ceremony since he knows who he wants to send home. It’s definitely Lesley. Too bad, I liked her.
Rose Ceremony
Finally the Puppet Master graces us with his presence!!! Did he cut back to part time or something? If there is an opening for his position please let me know ABC. I’d be wicked good at working for 10 minutes a day.
I really need to find out where Lesley’s dress is from, I’m obsessed. Oh, and as predicted she goes home in a very uneventful way. She actually handles it remarkably. Aw and Catherine cries that she’s leaving!!! Me too, Catherine. You are now my new favorite. WHOA spoke too soon - she tells the cameras she is basically crying out of insecurity because she thought Lesley had more in common with Sean than her and if Sean doesn’t want Lesley then he definitely won’t want her. WTF? I honestly don’t know if that’s sweet or extremely pathetic and self-centered but instead of debating it I am just going to make Lindsay my new favorite. Go Lindsay!
Next week is Hometown Dates!!! I am embarrassed about how excited I am.
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