Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Bachelor Pad Episode Six: Jaclyn Is The New Jamie


We kick off this episode the same way we kick off every episode - with people experiencing from what I can tell is legit PTSD.  Everyone is distraught and Rachel is crying her bangs off about Michael leaving. I don’t fucking blame her, what the hell is she going to do now besides be on a television show where you get paid to get wasted and lay out by the pool every day?

Puppet Master shows up after the rose ceremony again!  The guy must be seriously killing it in overtime hours this season.  He says that the competition is going to take a dramatic turn and now everyone will be competing as couples - winning together as couples and being able to be voted off as couples.  As if Rachel didn’t have it bad enough her fate is now linked to her new partner Nick, who is the most forgettable person in the world and has not spoken a word this entire season.



We get it. You're sad.
 

The Challenge

The next morning Rachel is STILL CRYING.  This is going to be a long night.  The gang goes outside and there is a school bus waiting there to take them to their challenge.  I am shocked it is not a short bus.

They get to a school auditorium and we find out that this challenge will be a Spelling Bee!  This should be hysterical.  As if these people aren’t going to have a hard enough time with this, Chris Harrison tells them they will have to spell as a team, alternating letters.  That’s not easy for a relatively smart person, much less these retards.  Tony is nervous since the “one thing he sucks at is spelling.” Other things include parenting and life, of course.

ABC decides to make this especially embarrassing by having children judge this contest.  They come out and Kalon asks if they came from Hogwarts and beats me to my joke. But seriously, what kind of parents allow their children to be in the same room as these degenerates?  I didn’t know Tony had three kids.

The producers are really drilling it in that these people are special needs and have them start off spelling words like Heart, Rose, and Kiss.  Its like Celebrity Jeopardy on SNL, except Z List Spelling in Real Life.  Blakley surprises no one when she misspells engagement ring but Kalon misspells jewelry and that is really disappointing.  I definitely didn't think that Lindzi would be the brains of that couple, and if she is...well lets just say things are really not looking good for them.

The competition comes down to Jaclyn and Ed versus Chris and Sarah and I am literally on the edge of my seat.  Seriously, I need to RELAX.  If Jafar and Skanky Sarah win then I will be forced to go on a crusade to put a stop to the dark arts because now its messing with Bachelor Pad contests and I just can’t have that.  Luckily, being around for 50 years makes you a good speller because Ed is killing it, and I hate to say it but it’s making me very attracted to him.  Apparently I need to add spelling skills to my list of aphrodisiacs (which I just learned to spell thanks to you BP).

Holy shit, Chris and Sarah win.  Damn you, potions!  They both get roses and an overnight date. Blakely is very upset about this and crying. Side note - why do all of Blakely’s hypothetical situations involving men end with her destroying their testicles? Just a question. Anyways, in an especially sick twist Ed and Jacqlyn also win an overnight date. Please keep in mind that in the last episode Ed basically took a shit on Jaclyn’s face in front of everyone and said that he wasn't looking for anything romantic even though they have been sleeping together every night. So this should go well.


HOW did these assholes win?
 

Chris and Sarah’s Date

Ugh.  Inbred and Smoker’s Cough get a limo and an airplane ride to wine country. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it was Ben’s winery in Sonoma and him and Courtney were there to greet them? Chris and Courtney are cut from the same evil cloth and Ben and Sarah are ugly idiots, so everyone would get along.  Once again, I need to write to the producers and offer my services.  

Next they go swimming in a lake. It looks to me like it could definitely have leeches and/or snakes and to be honest I’m really uncomfortable with how deep they are, but I’m also hoping that some sort of animal attack goes down and takes these two out of the game.  But unfortunately they survive and head to dinner in a barn.  Sarah keeps saying that she likes Chris a lot, but she’s concerned since he just broke up with Emily.  They talk about her and Inbred says hes not really over it but talking about it helps him heal.  Hope it also helps heal the smooth surface where your penis used to be.

Omg they are staying the night in the barn! The producers must have really exhausted the budget on the plane ride over.  Its like ok we can either put you up in the Holiday Inn next to the Bachelor Pad house, or we can fly you somewhere cool but you have to sleep in a barn.  Sarah doesn’t seem too upset about it though and the words “I’m excited to spend the night with Chris in this romantic barn and get rugged and sexy and roll in the hay” actually come out of her mouth.  


Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Back at the Pad...

Rachel is STILL CRYING.  She tells Jaclyn that she wouldn't mind going home since she doesn't want to play this game without Michael.  She’s had a rough couple days, losing her life partner of 3 weeks AND a spelling bee.  Did she break a mirror or something?  Then she compares herself to a widow and Nick talks to her about Michael in the past tense saying “He would have wanted you to be here”. Wow everyone needs to RELAX.  I’m pretty sure Michael is just down the road at Olive Garden picking up a few extra shifts.

Jaclyn and Blakely sit Rachel down with some gigantic pours of red wine and convince her to stay.  I think its cute until Jaclyn says they should all vote off Kalon and Lindzi.  Oh no she didn’t!  Everyone is agreeing with her too - how the fuck did she become the ringleader of this operation? They seal their decision with the all binding pinky swear, then get drunk and talk about what they would do with the money if they win.  Blakely concludes that she could finally stop waxing vaginas and get cable.  Seriously she actually said that.  These jokes write themselves.

Ed and Jaclyn’s Date

Time to gear up for what surely will be a very uncomfortable 30 minutes!  Old Man River and Nic Cage in Drag take a limo that takes them to a plane too - hope they know this means they will most likely be sleeping in a cave.  They go to an island and settle down for a picnic where they immediately discuss Ed’s douchebaggery last episode, and Jaclyn basically feeds excuses that she will be ok with to him.  Well now you deserve what you get, idiot.  As if on cue, Ed launches into how he is actively pursuing someone at home and he has feelings for her and not Jaclyn. Just to be clear - NO FEELINGS FOR JACLYN. One more time for the cheap seats - Ed doesn’t like Jaclyn. The only person who doesn’t seem to get this is Jaclyn.

Omg, then Jaclyn says she doesn’t think she will recover from this.  She should look in Chris’s spellbook for some sort of potion that helps desperados get over the loss of a 3 week old fuck buddy, and give some to herself and her friend the Black Widow Rachel.  But in all seriousness, I actually feel really bad for her. It would suck getting rejected by someone who looks like a 50 year old that got trapped in an Abercrombie changing room for 2 hours.

They go to dinner and the awkwardness continues, with Jaclyn trying again to make excuses for Ed by saying they only have to be a couple within the confines of the Bachelor Pad house and nowhere else.  Watching her and Ed have this conversation reminds me of that My So Called Life episode where Jordan is wicked mean to Angela because she’s ugly and he is embarrassed of her. Jaclyn needs two things right now: 1. Rayanne Graff to have her back and 2. Buffalo Tom, because I like that song they play and haven’t heard it since 1994.  But anyways, back to their conversation, Old Man River briefly contests this notion of being a couple in the house but since this is an overnight date and he already took his Viagra, he ends up agreeing to it.  The last thing we see is them going up the stairs holding hands as we hear Jaclyn saying she can’t live without Ed.  Uh oh, looks like Jamie’s soul has gone into Jaclyn’s body.


We are totally a couple.  If by couple you mean
I can pretend I don't know you in public.
 

Back at the Free Clinic...

Tony calls himself Blakely’s knight in shining armour in the gayest voice I have ever heard.  Even Elton John thought that was a bit much. Then he totally steals Michael’s idea and makes a bed for him and Blakely to have sex on outside and calls it a date.  He is wearing a completely unacceptable shirt and coming on very strong, telling Blakely he wants to have her in his everyday life. Blakely is not into it and you can tell because the more uncomfortable she gets, the more she talks in baby voice, so by the time he has poured her a glass of wine and told her he wants to focus on their future she is speaking like a toddler.   


Watch out Tony.  There's a good chance she
will eventually destroy your testicles.
 

I had to open a second bottle of wine when they started making out. I can't be sober if I’m going to be subjected to that.

The next morning...

Jaclyn and Ed come home with 2 roses they can give to any couple except themselves, so the next 20 minutes consist of everyone just kissing their asses.  For some reason they end up giving the roses to Blakely and Tony to “reward them for their loyalty”.  Mafia Michael would be so proud.  

Kalon is really pissed about this though and says that just because “him and Lindzi aren't emotional alcoholics who cry and run around talking about their emotions all the time doesnt mean they dont want it.”  Kalon, your serial killer is showing.  Might want to cover that up before possibly being voted out by a group of your peers, just a suggestion.  I still love you.

So now the couples its come down to are Rachel and Nick versus Kalon and Lindzi.  The rose ceremony deliberations are always so long and boring, so lets just say its a typical night where everyone is lying and fighting.  Nick uses his 10 seconds of airtime this entire season to look like DUI mugshot and be a loose cannon yelling at Blakely and Tony to not vote him off.  He calls Kalon “helicoptor boy.”  What?!  No one has used that reference since June!

Rose Ceremony

Nick looks like when you use technology from the early 90’s to see what your ugly baby will look like when he’s 35.

I don't know who has been doing Jaclyn’s make up this week but they need to cut it out. She’s been through enough!


I changed my mind.  I feel really bad for Ed.

Rachel actually did cry her bangs clean off and she looks wicked pretty without them!  She should grow those out but then she’d probably miss the Bachelor Pad Reunion Show - you can’t go to any social events while you’re growing out your bangs.  I would know - I’m always growing out my bangs.  Don’t get bangs.

And the couple going home is...Lindzi and Kalon!  OH NOOOOES.  This is very upsetting and Kalon looks like he actually might cry.  They somberly go off in different limos but then Kalon stops his and gets out to go in Lindzi’s.  How very Ames of him!  I may or may not have teared up a little.  Don’t judge me.

Well that was a rough one folks. Hopefully the next episode is a bit cheerier. Wait - just saw the preview and it seems to be just more of Rachel crying. There better AT LEAST be some donkey punching thrown in.  Only one way to find out.  See you next week!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Bachelor Pad Episode Five: Chris is a Wiccan

Greetings and salutations!  This episode sucked so bear with us.

We start tonight’s episode with Blakley in a quiet rage at Inbred Chris for trying to get her voted off. She tells the cameras that she now thinks of Chris as the shit on the bottom of her shoe.  Why is it assumed that you have been stepping in poop?  Oh yea, you live with Erica.



Woopsie


The only person that might be more upset than Blakely is the Inbred himself.  Homeboy is HEATED.  He is completely in shock that people in the house lied to him. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding me?! Hey Chris remember what you did to Blakely and then to Jamie and will probably do to Sarah? That’s called lying you dipshit.  And then he tries to turn it all around and says he feels like Blakely put a spell on him!  Just because Erica pooped in your rose ceremony potion and rendered it useless doesn’t mean you should be accusing others of the dark arts.  Dick.

So now Chris is literally hiding under the covers like a petulant child and Sarah is trying to comfort him, but I can see in her eyes she is deeply regretting getting involved with this rollercoaster of inbred emotions.  Then Kalon comes into the room and Chris talks loudly at him accusing him of lying about voting for Blakely even though they are supposed to be best friends.  These people are in their late 20’s, just want you to remember that.  But Kalon does come out with the best line of the season so far: “Yea I’m a liar...do you want me to elaborate on that?” HAHA.  Then he calls Chris out on being a loose cannon running around the house stirring the pot (filled with potions) and no wonder he didn’t get Emily.  Burn!

So Chris goes to his other bff and talks to Ed, who denies lying to Chris since alcoholism causes short term memory loss.  Their fight consists of Ed shaking his head and Chris calling himself a “grown ass man”.  It doesn’t seem that climactic but then all of a sudden Old Man River gets up and intentionally breaks a glass in the hallway!  Wtf?  Chris Harrison is going to be pissed!

The Challenge

The puppet master shows up and takes everyone outside by the pool to go over the challenge.  That’s cool they are letting the pool boy participate!  Oh wait, thats just Tony.  Anyways, the challenge this week is called The Great Fall of China.  Good one producers.  They all have to race between two tables 7 times carrying a tray, adding a cup and saucer each round. The rules of course are the same as always except the loser doesn’t get a vote against them. Good news for Grandpa Ed - there’s no way he’s sober enough to carry that tray. Yeah I know it’s like 10am. Trust me, he’s drunk.

Blakely is very excited for this challenge because of her cocktail waitress background, and then Jaclyn totally calls her out for working at Hooters!  I thought she was wearing nylons under her shorts!   Wait, was Hooters what she was counting as her experience as a “VIP Cocktail waitress”??? I’m pretty sure there is nothing VIP about the clientele at Hooters. HPV maybe, but definitely not VIP.


So the girls go first, and as expected, they are horrible.  Erica could give two fucks about this challenge and just walks while everyone else is running.  Lindzi looks like she is breaking her cups on purpose.  Blakely is sucking too!  Which is more embarrassing - having 13 years of waitressing experience at Hooters and not winning the challenge, or winning the challenge because you have 13 years of waitressing experience at Hooters?  Kind of a catch 22 if you ask me.

Sarah actually ends up coming in first but is disqualified for cheating and touching the cups to balance them.  Haha, karma, Inbred. Or as Kalon calls it, “poetic justice”.  This means Blakely is the winner!  She is pumped and climbing Tony like his son probably climbs jungle gyms.  I say probably because Tony actually has no idea what his son does.

Now its the guys turn and I am predicting disaster.  Why does Ed never do his hair on challenge days?  He looks like Forrest Gump.  Anyways, the guys aren’t as bad as the girls and in typical fashion the miniatures, Michael and Tony, are in the lead.  Blakely is coaching Tony on how to carry his tray like a pro and it is seriously the most annoying thing ever. I am pretty sure he just thinks that if he keeps quiet and wins the challenge Blakley will sleep with him.  And I’m pretty sure he’s right. Well I hope he double bags it because he just won.


Remember, stick out your chest and remind them about the wing special!

Side note - when did it become ok for grown men to wear tank tops?

Back at the Pad

Blakely wants to take Tony on her date, so she gets to give a rose to any guy she wants.  If I was playing a drinking game where I took a shot every time Chris says this is his worst nightmare I would be Ed-level drunk right now.  Its called poetic justice, Inbred.  Blakely gives the rose to Kalon and all is right in the world.

So now Chris Harrison explains that there will be two dates, one during the day and one being an overnight.  Blakely chooses the overnight date because there is a good chance that ABC will fly them somewhere extravagant for the night, and she immediately names Las Vegas as one of the luxurious places they might go.  At first I thought that was a pretty trashy place for her to be excited about, but then I remembered hooking is legal there, so I can see how not having to hide behind VIP Cocktail Waitress would be a luxury for her.

Kalon’s date card arrives with two boxes that look like jewelry boxes.  Kalon gets to pick his date and says there is no doubt in his mind that he wants to take Lindzi, and I feel funny in my pants.  They open the boxes and Lindzi’s has some hideous Neil Lane diamond jewelry inside that Blakely can hardly contain her jealousy of.  Kalon’s has car keys that go to a Bentley waiting for them outside.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if they went out and Bentley from Ashley’s season was there to shake things up?  Get on that Chris Harrison!

Kalon’s Date

Not much to say here actually.  Lindzi reminds me why I hate her by thinking that the mention of “pretty woman” on the date card means that their date will be themed around the movie, Pretty Woman. Yes Lindzi, jokes on you, ABC is actually making you become a prostitute in order to pay the rent on the Bachelor Pad house. Big Mistake. Huge.  They end up in East Compton somewhere eating dinner on a bridge. It’s weird and Kalon talks about zombies then tells Lindzi he might be in love with her which concerns me considering they have known each other for 3 weeks, but they’re still really cute together so it’s ok.

Blakely’s Date

Just to ensure that the audience understands the fact that Blakely is trashy, the producers arrange for Blakely and Tony’s date to be driving an old Jeep to a trailer out in the middle of nowhere.  So much for making some extra cash in Vegas, B.  They do some grilling and Blakely tells Tony that she is reserved around people she likes, then goes on for 20 minutes about her sexual past.  Tony responds to this by telling Blakely that she just hasn’t been with the right guy, then slow dances to country music with her.

Back at the House...

Chris is playing Ed and drinking himself into a stupor while STILL WHINING about people lying to him.  He says he feels like he went from the king of the castle to the servant, so he gets out his Magic for Dummies book to undo this curse.  Chris/Jafar’s big plan is now to get Lindzi sent home.  Is he kidding? That is the worst plan ever and no one is going to vote Lindzi off. She is adorable and you are a psycho.  But then he pretends to forgive Old Man River to manipulate him into voting off Kalon’s girlfriend and OH NO!! It’s working!! Damn it Ed what’s wrong with you?!

Aww Michael sets up a mini date for Rachel! It’s really cute but there is an acoustic guitar on the ground next to them and it’s making me nervous. There is nothing more awkward than a man playing the guitar and singing to you one on one. If there are any guys reading this (which I highly doubt) NEVER PLAY THE GUITAR TO A GIRL IF IT’S JUST YOU AND HER. It’s the fucking creepiest thing EVER. Oh good, they just end up boning on the ground. Much better.  

Back at the Trailer Park...

The best part of the whole episode happens.  Tony and Blakely are still dancing, and he dips her and they kiss.  The producers are acting like its the Notebook.  So the country music is playing, and they show all of the couples.  Kalon and Lindzi are making out, Rachel and Michael are covering the camera in their room so they can have sex, Chris and Sarah are kissing by the pool, Tony and Blakely go into the trailer to make Tony a father for the 2nd time....and Ed is passed out drunk on Jaclyns lap.  Classic.


A face only an obliterated person could love.

The Next Day at the Pad

Blakely and Tony come back and the rest of the gang is GRILLING them about their date. Sarah asks if they “made whoopie” (Sarah, your age is showing) and Tony says that he couldn’t resist and that she loved every minute of it.  Gross.  Ed is sitting behind them and looks like his head is going to explode.  Now Tony gets to give his rose out to a girl, and Jafar tries to get him to give it to Sarah but Tony is now whipped and goes with Blakely’s plan of giving it to...Jaclyn?  Pointless, but whatever.

Moving on.

Chris Harrison shows up and once again pretends like he’s not the puppet master and asks who the couples are in the house like he seriously has no idea.  He is acting like a dad trying to be all down with the kids smoking pot in his basement.  So Michael tells him that Jaclyn and Grandpa Ed are exchanging fluids regularly, and Ed suddenly realizes what he thought was a recurring dream of banging Nicholas Cage in a blonde wig is actually really happening.  He decides now is the time to just deny everything and flat out says he is not romantically involved with anyone and he just came here to have fun. Jaclyn looks like she is going to burst in tears and says she feels very uncomfortable. Now you know how we feel when they show you and Grandpa hooking up.

Needless to say, Jaclyn is an ugly crier.

So Puppet Master realizes this episode is super boring and decides to kick things up a notch and add a little twist.  And oh what a twist it is!  Instead of the usual guys voting for girls and vica versa, tonight everyone is voting for only a girl, and the girl with the most votes gets to pick the guy that leaves too.

Chaos ensues.

Now Chris doesn’t want to vote off Lindzi because he thinks she will make him come with her if she gets sent home.  Michael is in an alliance with Lindzi and they are afraid to vote for Sarah, because for some reason they are sure she would take Michael.  So this pretty much only leaves Erica Rose for Mafia Michael and his honchos to vote for.  Michael feels kind of bad about this since they are friends, but not really since he puts the plan into action and won’t stop telling the camera how genius it is.  He tells Erica that people are voting for her and that Chris started it, so that when Erica leaves she will take Inbred with her.  You have no idea how long this part goes for, but I’m just going to sum it up and tell you that Michael’s plan had some holes in it.  Chris ends up bringing Erica into the voting room with him to prove that he didn’t vote for her, which as much as I hate to say it was a pretty good idea.  God damn it.

Rose Ceremony

Spoiler alert - this is upsetting.  The producers didn’t even try to make us think it could possibly be Lindzi, and Erica gets voted off.  Now she knows Michael voted for her, and she is PISSED so she takes him with her.  Nooo!  Everyone loses their shit.  Rachel is seriously acting like Michael has died and is crying uncontrollably.  She might need therapy after this.  Erica doesn’t soften the blow and tells Michael that the best thing Holly could have done is marry Blake.  Oh no she didn’t!  Michael looks genuinely hurt and for that, Erica should get thrown from the moving limo on her way out of town. 



I'd be crying too if someone brought an acoustic guitar on a date.

Oh well, looks like Rachel will have to find a new mini man to hook up with...Tony, I’m looking at you. This way everyone wins - Rachel will have someone to fake date and Tony can stop pretending that he is really into Blakely and doesn’t find her terrifying in the least bit. You weren’t fooling anyone, even I was pretty sure that you wouldn’t survive the night in that trailer.

Let’s hope next week we see more of A.) Kalon being delightfully devious B.) Inbred Chris getting continuously round house kicked in the face and C.) A guest appearance by the only Bentley that anyone that watches this show cares about - mother fucking Bentley Williams.  


/
When will I see you again?

Fingers crossed!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Bachelor Pad Episode Four: We Need To Talk About Jamie

Hello again!  As per usual they spend the first 5 minutes of the episode showing us absolutely everything that's going to happen.  I will never understand this logic.  But it looks like Jamie is headed for a serious breakdown and being inbred makes you a horrible person, so it should be an exciting 2 hours!

We start with Ed making his rose acceptance speech like he’s at the VMA’s.  He actually lists who he would like to thank.  If he was smart he would throw in his pharmacist, might get a discount on his Viagra.

So they are all hanging out after the rose ceremony when Chris Harrison unexpectedly shows up. I hope he’s getting paid overtime for this. He says the next challenge is starting now and hands out surveys filled with personal questions for them all to fill out.  Of course they are all sloppy drunk so this should be awesome. I would love to get my hands on a copy of those, I bet they are like a sexually charged Dr. Suess.

Kalon makes a hilarious comment early in the episode!  This is a very good sign!  He says he predicts the surveys will bring a lot of tears and that the questions will be like who is the ugliest, who is the smartest, and who is the fattest. Then he says obviously all the answers will either be him or Erica.  Haha.  God I hate you Lindzi.

The Challenge

The next morning they all wake up in their hungover haze and have to play “Gameshow Mashup”. Really ABC? That is the best game show name you could come up with? Apparently the contestants aren’t the only ones phoning this season in....



Even the winners are losers.

Chris Harrison is clearly pumped to be in his dream job right now as a creepy 80’s game show host.  Good thing he has that podium to hide his boner.

So basically this is a combination of trivia and the newlywed game.  The girls go first and have to answer some basic trivia about geography and past bachelor seasons.  It's super boring until they finally get to the good stuff and start using questions based on the surveys.  The first one makes the girls guess which of the guys said they think they have accomplished the most in the house, and almost all of them get it right by choosing Ed.  Which makes sense considering his unemployment allows him to randomly go on Bachelor Pad for a few months, and he is porking the ugliest girl in a house full of desperate sluts.  If that's accomplished I don’t know what is.

Sarah thinks she is going to win because she’s “really good at reading people.”  I would like to go ahead and correct her: Sarah you are not good at reading people, you don’t even know what YOU are up to half the time so shut the fuck up and maybe think about waxing your stache. Thanks.

Michael calls this an “emotional” challenge and an angel gets its wings.

I am very disappointed in the survey questions used for this game.  It could have been so much more scandalous!  Where are the questions about the ugliest and the sluttiest?!  Who was caught donkey punching Jaclyn in the fantasy suite with Erica’s gavel?!  The only other thing we found out is that Nick thinks Blakely is not accomplished.  Astonishing.  I need to write a letter to the producers and offer my services.

Speaking of Blakely, Inbred Chris is cheering for Sarah and Blakely’s crazy level shoots from 7 (her normal level) straight to an 11.  As much as I hate Chris with every fiber of my being, I don’t blame him for being scared of Blakely.  She is absolutely terrifying.  There is nothing worse than an emotionally disturbed hooker. Its like if Kit from Pretty Woman and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction had Rosemarys Baby.  In Florida.

So Jaclyn proves that what the gods took from her in looks they made up for Bachelor Pad trivia knowledge, and wins for the girls. Now it’s the guys turn and I am SO EXCITED. But I shouldn’t be because nothing happens.  Jamie writes that Jaclyn is the fakest in the house because she is so manipulative and now she’s on Jaclyn’s shit list.  Blakely said she has slept with 9 people and then tells the cameras its a lie.  Duh.  However, Ed did get one more thing to add to his list of accomplishments because Old Man River wins the rose!

Back the the House

Everyone is making a big deal about Jamie calling Jaclyn fake.  Tony gets his 10 seconds of airtime and uses it to look like a retired boy-bander while telling us that Jamie has a lot of explaining to do.  We are now 24 minutes in and Jamie is already in tears. It’s gonna be a loooooooooong night.

So Jaclyn gets to go on her date first, and Sarah is using her excellent people reading skills to tell everyone how excited she is for Jaclyn to be out of the house so she can get some alone time with Old Man River.  She seems to think that her voting him off right after she slept with him, and his subsequent gross hook up with Jaclyn was just a speedbump in their road to marital bliss.  Do you think that Ed was actually sober enough to make any kind of premeditated, emotional decision? He honestly probably thought he was banging Chris Harrison when he slept with both of you.

Jacklyn’s Date

Sarah’s dreams of growing being old with Ed are crushed when Jaclyn picks him for their date even though he already has a rose!  They head to Dodger Stadium where they play baseball by themselves and eat hot dogs really disgustingly.  Ed has never looked more like a Dad.  Then they sing the national anthem and now its our turn to have our ears bleed gallons of blood.  Combined with my eyes bleeding every time I have to look at Jaclyn, its a bad night.


Thanks for ruining hot dogs for me.

Chris Harrison gets the last laugh though, because he sends a note saying Ed and Jaclyn have to give the rose to someone else in the house and Old Man River doesn’t get to go on a separate date. Ed looks like he is going to cry.  Jaclyn shows off her brains by wanting to give the rose to Kalon, but Ed wants to give it to Chris.  Wtf?!  How is Chris seriously mind-fucking everyone in this game?  Ed goes as far to say that he wants to give the rose to Chris because he loves him!  Chris is obviously using some sort of black magic here, it's the only explanation.

Back at the Pad...

I have been dreading writing this paragraph, but We Need To Talk About Jamie.  She is what happens when extreme stupidity meets soul-crushing insecurity.  I don’t know what happened to her to make her act like this, but I suspect its something bad and therefore not funny and shouldn’t be discussed in this forum.  So Jamie I’m not going to talk about your daddy issues, but girl, we need to get something straight.  Guys are never “hard to get”.  It's simply not a game that they play, or even know how to play.  If you’re thinking that a guy is hard to get, that just means he doesn’t like you.  So save some dignity and WALK AWAY.  DO NOT STALK HIM UNTIL HE GOES TO BED.  Christ almighty.  And it doesn't stop there - they show them cuddling and making out while the camera goes back and forth from Jamie in the confessional saying how great Chris is to Chris in the confessional saying how annoying Jamie is.  He said he only kissed her to get her to stop talking.  This is one big dumb insecure black magic evil inbred shitstorm.

So the next morning Jaclyn and Ed have a meeting to give out their rose.  Chris must have found some time to make potions last night, because they give the rose to him instead of Kalon.  I am immediately nervous since we know there is no way in hell Chris is taking Jamie or Blakely on his date. I hope this house comes with a couple padded rooms devoid of sharp objects that lock from the outside.

Just as predicted, Chris picks Sarah for the date.  Jamie is basically unraveling before our eyes and Blakely’s blood is on a low boil.  Oh god, We Need To Talk About Jamie again.  She goes to talk to Chris, who tells her that he hates Blakely, then kicks her out of his room so he can get ready for the date, and Jamie somehow spins this into a whole delusional story about how Chris is only taking Sarah on the date so he doesn’t hurt anyone?  It makes absolutely no sense.  And Jamie please stop going on about how Chris is so great because of how incredibly loyal he is.  Chris is about as loyal as a VIP Cocktail Waitress on discount lapdance night.

I wonder if Ed blacks out every night because he’s playing a drinking game where you take a shot every time Blakely says “betrayed”.  That would explain his cirrhosis.

Chris’s Date

Ugh.  Chris is wearing hightops and looks like a douche.  Their date is to make their own action movie, which I am choosing to believe was done by the producers for our entertainment since Chris sucks at anything remotely athletic.  The stunt guy directing them asks if either of them have any action background, and they both say yes and list off their STD’s as proof.  What I’m saying is they are both whores.  So Sarah suits up in a leather outfit with very visible panty lines and accidentally kicks Chris square in the face, which might be the highlight of my life so far.  Then they make out for the cameras and Sarah forgets that this morning she was in love with Ed, and is now having deep feelings for Inbred.  Special.

Next Chris and Sarah zoom through dinner and go straight to the hot tub, where they grossly make out and basically fornicate before our very eyes.  My eyes are bleeding like if Jaclyn was on the screen.  

The only people more evil than Chris - the Bachelor Pad producers - decide that this would be a perfect time to show Jamie back at the house having a serious talk with Blakely about how she should have the Inbred all to herself.  Because obviously Blakely is all about 1. rational conversations and 2. trading partners. Good plan Jamie.  But they actually seem to come to an agreement and Jamie tells the cameras that she’s so excited for Chris to come home so she can tell him they can be together forever.  Of course then they pan back to Chris and Sarah getting a room at the hotel for the night.  Chris doesn’t even have a rose on this date because he didn’t win the challenge.  Sarah is doing this for free!  Inbred is not though, since the lady at the hotel front desk asks for a credit card and ID.  I love that they show this and I really hope Chris is paying for this personally, although I’m sure it was a deal worked out with Chris Harrison, with a bonus if they let him in the room with them.


Chris Harrison is totally behind that plant with a corporate card and some lube.

So back at the house Ed gets a rose to give to a girl since he won the challenge, but no date since he sold his soul to Jaclyn.  He gives it to Rachel and I wholeheartedly approve.

The next morning Chris and Sarah walk of shame into the house and I honestly think Jamie might slit her wrists right there. She calls the situation “alarming”. Actually what is “alarming” is your total lack of ability to read people, situations or books.

Ugh now we have made it to the rose ceremony deliberations and I really want to fast forward.  Chris Harrison pops in and Sarah starts explaining to him everything that happened this episode like he’s not the puppet master of this entire orgy.  

Basically David knows he’s on the chopping block since he’s the last of the fans, and is trying his hand at politics, which he’s actually quasi good at.  See what I did there?  So he talks to Jaclyn who says the only person she might vote off instead of David is Nick, so he goes on a campaign to convince everyone to vote for Nick instead of him.  How is Tony flying this far under the radar??  Anyways, first Quasi gets Jamie on his side, and then goes to talk to Michael.  When did Michael join the mafia? He is wearing all black, shakes Quasi’s hand and says that it sounds like a good deal but he needs to check with his girls. You mean Rachel Two Chins?  

For the girls it's coming down to Jamie and Blakely.  Chris is truly evil and says he wants Blakely to go even though she’s his partner because Blakely is feisty and Jamie is a doormat.  Mafia Michael admires his strategy but at the end of the day he is a goodfella and Chris’s disloyalty doesn’t sit well with him.  So Michael goes around to see who everyone is voting for and to make a long story short, Ed, Inbred and Kalon are in a polygamous relationship and all lying to each other.  Kalon tells Chris he is voting for Blakely and Ed he is voting for Jamie, and Ed tells Chris he is voting for Blakely but tells Kalon he is voting for Jamie.  Kalon does say that he would never lie to Lindzi though, and I get butterflies.

Rose Ceremony

Lets wrap this up.

Jaclyn needs to buy a foundation that isn’t called “beet red”.

Aww Lindzi looks pretty. I would like more airtime of her and Kalon next episode, I feel like adorable things are happening that we aren’t getting to see.

When did Chris grow a mustache? He is actually turning into a stereotypical villain right before our eyes.


Not to be confused with Sarah's moustache.

And the people going home are.....Quasi and Jamie!  This means Ed and Kalon both lied to Inbred and he is PISSED.  I love an angry Inbred, his voice just gets loud at random times and the guy cannot form a comeback to save his life.  It gets worse when Jamie finally grows a spine and tells Chris that what he is doing with the girls here is not ok.  Chris puts on his best douche face and tells her that is really lame coming from her considering he tried to save her all night.  My hatred for him has never been stronger.

I was expecting Jamie to possibly commit suicide in the limo, but she manages to keep it together pretty well, with some tears but not maximum security asylum level.  The best part is actually Quasi, who is just pumped to be someone leaving the house in the limo as so many others have done before.  Haha, awesome.  Then he cries and says that the past few weeks have been the best of his life.  Haha, sad.

Thats all she wrote!  See you next week!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Bachelor Pad Episode Three: "In the end, everyone ends up screwing each other." Literally.

Alright, let’s get this show on the road. This week we begin at the end of last week’s episode and once again everyone looks shell shocked that someone had to go home. I hate to break it to you but almost all of you will go home eventually, so get over it. 

Moving on.


When did Reid seriously become 45? He tells us again about his genius plan to mind fuck all of the girls in the house for voting against Ed. Reid - you are not dealing with neuroscience here. I’m pretty sure a hampster could pull one over on these idiots. Maybe you should focus your scheming on something more important, like
not being on Bachelor Pad.

Ed is so pissed at almost being voted off, he's talking about going home. I would be willing to bet Tony’s parent of the year award on the fact that he is not going ANYWHERE. Leave the free booze and hot tub? Not that middle aged has-been. Instead he put up his chin, straps on his beer goggles, and lets Jaclyn convince him to stay which takes oh about 2 seconds.

The Competition:

An obstacle course! I wonder if they have to do their own laundry, that shit looks messy.  The course is named “Hot Sludge Funday” which I’m pretty sure was Jaclyn’s nickname in high school.


Basically this course is a relay race that involves having to wade vagina deep in ice cream, sliding down a hot fudge slide, “crab crawling” (pun absolutely intended) through a field of whipped cream, and getting in a “sack and scooping 5 scoops of nuts on your head." I couldn’t make this shit up. Why don’t they just cut to the chase and put in a station where you have to jam sprinkles up each other's asses? The last leg of this Paula Dean’s wet dream race is continuing down the field in their nut sack (Chris Harrison you’re killing me) and tagging their partner who has to complete the course and eat a cherry at the end. Jesus. I'm pretty sure a a competition planning session goes something like, “Hey guys, want to come over, each chug a bottle of tequila and watch Skinemax? That will get the creative juices flowing!”

I just noticed that Quasimodo is wearing a camisole. 
It lifts and separates.

Kalon makes a joke about Erica being fat. FINALLY.

The girls start and this is the most hysterical thing I’ve ever seen. They look like they just went through a diarrhea car wash. The boys are typically taking it way too seriously and once again the tiniest of the men are in the lead. Haha of course Inbred Chris is in last place. Its amazing how bad he is at absolutely everything, most importantly life. Luckily for him though Ed's arthritis acts up so he ends up quitting by collapsing in a tub of hot fudge. Gross. 
bachelor-pad-hot-fudge.jpg
Quick!! Get in your nut sack!


Quasimodo/David ends up winning and I forgot to give a fuck. This means that both David and his partner Rachel get to go on a date! Then they all get hosed off but Blakely somehow ends up back at the house still being covered in chocolate...but in a fresh change of clothes. This leads me to believe that is not hot fudge.

Quasi picks Blakley (snooze) Erica (well played newbie) and Jamie who looks horrified. Rachel picks Nick (who I have again forgotten about), Tony (don’t get me started) and Michael (YAY!). OMG - the first thing out of Tony’s mouth is about how he is doing this for his son. I just...can’t...make anymore bad dad jokes. He makes it too easy.

Quasimodo's Date

The date is PROM! Blakely hears this and immediately heads to the backseat of the limo waiting in the parking lot because she wants to keep it authentic. 

Actually this date looks like a lot of fun - they get to pick out dresses! I am going to be very disappointed if I don't hear “All my life” by KC and JoJo. Ugh instead it's Katie Underarmor or whoever, she’s basically a knock off Taylor Swift (Thanks again for blowing the budget Emily).



Wait, I'm confused.  I thought the virgin went home...?
I had high hopes for this but there is not enough wine in my apartment to get me to write about the rest of Quasi’s date. It’s too goddamn boring. But side note - why the hell is Blakley so self entitled?! No one should accept anything from her ever because apparently you are going to owe her your first born child if you do. She’s like a fairytale troll. That’s the best way to describe her.

So Quasi ends up growing balls (maybe just one) and gives Jamie the rose and they dance and it’s boring.

Back at the Pad

Back at the house people are getting drunk. Shocking! Over/under on how many of these people end up on Intervention in 5 years? Reid is still obsessing about Ed finding out that he got some people to vote him off last week. Does he honestly think that Ed will figure this out on his own? Does he not live with Ed? I have watched two episodes of this and am surprised that Ed has not yet drowned in a pool of his own vomit. But it is kinda sad that Ed really does think him and Reid are friends - doesn't he know NO ONE is ANYONE’S friend on Bach Pad?? Except of course if you’re friends with Michael, I bet he is actually wicked nice.

Anyways, Ed finally fulfills his sloppy destiny by sealing the deal with Hot Sludge. He yells again during sex and then asks what her name is. Hahahaha. Grandpa Ed is quickly becoming my favorite. 

Side note - Kalon and Lindzi are still snuggling, and I like it. I like it a lot.

Rachel’s Date

So their date is at a wax museum which is extremely creepy. They spy Chris Harrison who is disguised as a wax figure and he actually just looks how he looks normally. The date is that the gang gets to scare everyday schmucks by pretending to be wax figures. You’ve all seen punked, you get it. Honestly, if I was there that day I would be like who the fuck are these people and ask where Bentley is.
We miss you.
Michael comments on how it’s hard to look manly sitting in a make up chair. Is it because your feet don’t touch the floor? As far as I can tell, getting your makeup done like a wax figure is just basically looking as similar to George Hamilton as possible. So the team gets set up and acts like wax figures and then scares people and basically everyone that gets punked loves Michael (obvi) and hates everyone else. My favorite part happens when they ask the regular people there what they think about Tony and no one knows him until the actor playing along says “The guy that left his son”, and they immediately remember who he is and say that he is pathetic and it is awesome.
Crazy Waxy Cool
Rachel gives Michael the rose and they end up spending the rest of the evening being ridiculously cute. Friendly note for the future Rachel: laying down looking up is NOT your best angle. Wise up or I’m going to start calling you Rachel Two Chins like some sort of mafia henchman.

Back at The House...

Jamie continues to be the biggest idiot I’ve ever seen by throwing herself at Inbred Chris and talking about how she needs to fall in love on TV so that she can show her grandkids. Won’t be showing them the episode where you try and seduce Ben will ya J? Jamie wanders over to Chris’ bunk and he flat out denies her. Instead of being like fuck you, she’s actually asks him if he’s playing hard to get. I want to die. She is so dumb. Chris continues to be super evil, I’m pretty sure even Bentley wouldn’t be this mean to a girl’s face. OMG After she leaves she says “I’m pretty sure I could have made that happen”...  You could make that happen just about as well as you have made fingerless gloves happen. At this point she is just rambling about being awkward and I would like to watch anything other than this interview.

Later, Sarah has to beat Ed over the head with the fact that Reid is plotting his demise and Ed still kinda doesn’t get it. He and Jamie should hook up because they are pretty much in the same IQ range. Very, very low. I feel like if they hooked up it would end with like an elbow in someone’s armpit and them thinking they had sex.

Nice tank top Reid.

This is the point at which I remember how fucking long this show is. Blakley is freaking out and Tony and Michael are trying to talk her off of a ledge. Less Blakely drama, more of anything else.

Erica tells Reid that everyone wants to vote him off. Can we talk about how boring Kalon has been this episode?! I hate to say it but I’m disappointed with his behavior. I was expecting you to ruin my fucking summer! Step it up or lose me forever.

Oh hey Donna, where the fuck have you been? She is also on the chopping block because she is new and Erica is threatened by her. Donna is going to be bummed if she goes home because everyone has gotten action but her and she can’t leave having not hooked up with anyone. The great shame that will be brought upon their family’s name if they come home without being porked by at least one of these douche bags seems to be a recurring mantra amongst these girls. Do they get money or something behind the scenes if they sleep with people? Chris Harrison... I’m on to you! 
Blakley and Donna are on the chopping block and the swing vote is left in Kalon’s hands. Yessss time to shine asshole! Kalon makes just the right amount of mean comments to get on my good side.

Donna ends up making out with whatshisface Nick. 

Woah Jaclyn nice thigh bruise you hot mess. And that’s coming from someone who is a clumsy drunk and gets a lot of bruises. Maybe next time consider wearing pants. And a ski mask. 

Reid continues to bore me to tears. Fuck you Reid, be more entertaining. 

Donna, Jamie and Erica vote for Ed to be sent home and Sarah is still a fucking idiot and knows she is getting mind fucked by Reid and STILL DOESN’T KNOW IF SHE’LL VOTE FOR ED. That girl... she’s just special.

We finally wrap up the voting and they all look just about as sober as I feel (not very).

Rose Ceremony

Dave/Quasi handing out roses is just about where I can max out on my creepiness intake for the week. Holy fuck I am going to have nightmares of him congratulating me and handing me a hair doll or something.

In the end Donna and Reid go home because Blakley is batshit crazy and good tv and Ed is a hottttttttt mess. Jacqlyn pipes in at the end about how much dishonesty is ruining the game and she seems to be missing the point of the entire show.

Reid can’t believe Ed outsmarted him again by being the dumbest person on the show and Donna just basically does her last interview entirely with duck face and I am glad to see both of these people go.

Next week - Jamie cries, Chris screws over both Blakley and Jamie, and Sarah gets played. Can’t wait! See you next time!