Well hello old friends! Are you excited for this season of the Bachelorette?
Because I’m not. Holy fuck Desiree is boring. I'm positive that she is hands down the worst bachelorette in the history of the show. And I thought we had it bad with Forehead Ashley! Turns out she was a gem in comparison. Desiree even manages to makes Sean look like he has a personality. The only saving grace we have right now are the men on the show, and thank god there are some doozies. So with that in mind lets get started...
We start with the typical preview of the season which essentially proves that there is absolutely no reason for each episode to be 2 hours long when everything that happens the entire season can be easily summed up in 5 minutes. The standard issues are all there - Desiree crying, someone has a secret girlfriend, the boys fight with each other and omg someone is not there for the right reasons! Shocking.
Des drives up to her new house and I don’t know much about cars but I’m pretty sure hers is very shitty. Then we get to see where Des is staying for the season and it looks exactly like the Brady Bunch house. She seems very pumped about it but I would be pissed. Who has wall to wall carpeting in a beach house?! I guess when you grow up in a tent just having indoor plumbing makes you happy.
The producers then hit new lows by forcing Des to ROLLERBLADE on the beach wearing a bikini top and shorts while trying on cowboy hats. I am so mortified for her I am having trouble breathing. Oh god then they show her sketching on the boardwalk! I forgot about her “art”. Its basically 2 stick figures under a palm tree and now I'm just not breathing at all.
Desiree is extremely unlikable and it is making me very upset. She talks about love constantly and it is going to get old FAST. I have never seen someone so obsessed with being in love, it’s terrifying! Direct quote: “I just want happiness and love. Find me love and I’ll be happy.” That's no way to live your life, girl!
Chris Harrison asks Des if she's sure she's really ready to settle down and I laugh out loud because I think he’s kidding. Oh Puppet Master I missed you so much!
Now that Des has so much screen time I have noticed she has something I have dubbed as “kid mouth”. Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez are other women that suffer from this affliction. It’s like they grew into women but their mouth stayed 11 years old. It’s definitely something to do with the gum to teeth ratio and I find it repulsive.
First Look at the Guys
Time to meet some men in their natural environment! Let's play drink every time someone is jogging or playing with a dog.
We start with Bryden, an Iraqi war veteran who said he enlisted in the army to get over a broken heart. Jogging WITH a dog - finish your drink! He has a horrible Lloyd Christmas haircut, but other than that I must say I am a fan.
Next we meet Will, a banker from Chicago but you will remember him as the token black man. He allows cameras to videotape him doing bikram yoga, which is ballsy. Literally. He also happens to be a huge dork.
After that comes Drew, and WHOA that’s what I call a serious case of “gayface”. He’s super cute but does not look straight in any way shape or form. He has the heart of an angel though and I would like to maybe go outlet shopping with him one weekend.
Next comes Nick and my first thought is that he is wearing a highly unacceptable suit. Then we promptly find out that he is a suit salesman. Now all I can think about is how I wish I was watching Romy and Michele instead of this.
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“Hey nice suit, is that an Armani?”
“Yes. Yes it is.”
“I thought so. So, what do you do?
“I’m a suit salesman”
“Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.”
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Good times. Anyways, just when we thought being a suit salesman was bad, Nick informs us that he also does...wait for it...MAGIC! YESSSSS. There is nothing I love more than a fully grown man doing magic tricks. They show him on stage pulling things out of his sleeve to a crowd of like 5 people and it is amazing. So this is what happens when you collect all the Magic: The Gathering cards.
Next is Zak, a drilling engineer from Mico, Texas. He had a financial job in New York City but decided to move out to Bumfuck, USA so he could never have to wear a shirt again. His abs are good but not good enough to compensate for his Something About Mary bangs and horrible personality.
Now we meet Robert, an ad man from LA. My roommate said he looks like a ventriloquist doll and it was really funny because it’s true. Very, VERY manicured eyebrows. He also has gayface, although I’m sure you knew that once I mentioned the eyebrows.
Next is Mike, a horrible looking dentist. He says he has been single for a very long time and thinks that’s because of work and school, but I think its because of his face and personality.
Finally we meet Brandon, a professional wakeboarder aka unemployed. He talks really slow and I don’t like him.
Des Meets the Men
Finally it’s time for Des to meet everyone! This segment was more uneventful than usual so since I don’t want my readers to be as bored as I was watching it, I am peppering in some facts about the guys from their online bios on ABC.com. Be excited.
Drew - 27 - ad man with severe gayface but the heart of an angel we met before. He acts super nervous and all he says is that he is happy to meet her. Snooze.
Brooks - 28 - marketing consultant with douchey long hair that just like says hi to Des and walks inside. Wtf? His bio says his interests are Indie music and camping. So he is basically my worst nightmare.
Brad - 27 - accountant / DJ. Haha what an awesome job description! Talk about business in the front and party in the back. He brings a wishbone for them to break and make a wish. Mine is that he stops going tanning.
Bryden - 26 - war vet with the Lloyd Christmas hair. He is very nice and normal and therefore I have pretty much nothing to say about him.
Michael - 33 - federal prosecutor. Looks like a typical boyfriend of Kelly’s on 90210. He takes Des to the wishing well to try and find the penny she threw in when she met Sean last season. Its suuuper awkward because he spends like 5 minutes actually trying to find the penny. It should be noted that Desiree in no way helps to make this situation any less uncomfortable and I hate her.
Kasey - 29 - ad executive. Looks like he has had an eyebrow lift and tells Des that he is in social media and therefore only speaks in hashtags. Hahahaha! I thought nothing could possibly beat “guard and protect your heart” Kasey but I was wrong. #deadwrong
Mikey - 30 - plumbing contractor who may be cross-eyed. He looks super Jersey shore and starts by saying he has a very close family and therefore understands why Des’s brother sabotaged her relationship with Sean. Des reacts to this really normally and cool. Haha, just kidding!
Jonathan - 26 - attorney. Uh oh, we have our first handwritten note of the night. He gives Des a letter that says she should ditch these guys and go directly to the fantasy suite with him and the note actually has a hotel key enclosed. Hahahahaha. Finally this night is getting good! He reminds me of a little gem from Emily’s season we like to call Kalon. Desiree says she’s not that kind of girl and Jon looks genuinely shocked. What a treasure. I now wish I could go back to the wishbone segment of the night so I could change my wish from Brad tanning less to wishing for Jonathan to please get a rose tonight. He needs to stay for our entertainment.
Zak - 31 - shirtless wonder we met before with Something About Mary hair. He shows up without a shirt for this too! The Situation should not be a role model, Zak. He also looks like he bathed in 15 gallons of self tanner.
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| If The David was a douche |
James - 27 - ad exec. Looks comically guido Italian and his bio says his biggest fear on a date is spilling tomato sauce on his white shirts. Haha. He talks to Des a wholeeeee lot about loyalty. He seems pretty loyal to hair gel.
Larry - 34 - ER doctor. Impressive, mama like. Except he has hipster glasses and a 90’s professor haircut. He dances with Des and when he tries to dip her he rips her dress. Des is super nice to him about it and makes sure he realizes its not a big deal. Haha, gotcha again! I got my Sean Lowe pranking pants on tonight!
Nick R - 26 - the suit salesman/magician! YAY. He takes a weird piece of paper and uses a lighter to turn it into a rose. This is the same trick he did for his “audience” at home before so I’m thinking it’s the only one he knows. I am obsessed with him.
Zack - 28 - book publisher. He is wearing converse with his suit and is my new favorite. I hope he doesn’t win because he actually seems way too cool and normal for crazy bridal stylist Des. Zack if you’re reading this call me!
Diogo - 20 - marketing manager. More like DioNO. He shows up in a very heavy and realistic knight suit and takes off the helmet to reveal a very sweaty face only a mother could love. I think he might be wearing eyeliner. Des is visibly horrified and it’s the first time I don’t blame her.
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| Tell me he doesn't live in a basement. |
Side note - The guys reactions to the knight are ridiculous. Why are these dorks all so shocked? They are acting like he came in a full penis costume. Then Jonathan tells the cameras that a guy wearing a knight costume is like a guy waxing his eyebrows? Hope Robert didn't hear him say that! But seriously, the producers must be super desperate if they kept that in. These guys are the worst.
Chris - 27 - mortgage broker. I need to tell you that his bio states that he loves to write poetry and play Scrabble. Shoot me in the face. He gets down on one knee and asks Desiree if he can tie his shoe. It’s stupid and I wish bad things for him.
Mike - 27 - the unattractive dentist we met in the beginning. Wait - I just checked his bio and it says he is a model?! This must be a mistake. I bet he is counting volunteering to pose for his dentist textbook as “modeling.” I’m onto you Ugly Mike.
Robert - 30 - ad man ventriloquist doll. All he does is loosen his tie and say nice to meet you. I can’t. This is too boring. I might not watch this season.
Juan Pablo - 31 - former pro soccer player. Finally some talent up in hea! Me gusta Juan Pablo, now that is a good looking man. He definitely has a sleaze vibe and gives Des a chocolate that is most likely laced with roofies, but if I were her I would ask Jonathan for the key to the fantasy suite and bring Juan Pablo immediately. He is muy caliente.
Brandon - 26 - the wakeboarder we already met. He comes in on a motorcycle. Ugh.
Brian - 29 - financial investor. Looks like he has a whale belt on under his velvet blazer. I already hate him since I read in his bio that his biggest turnoff is a woman that wants to be supported financially. Go fuck yourself Brian.
Micah - 31 - law student. He designed his own suit with crazy colors and looks like an idiot. No way he is making it through the night.
Nick - 27 - investment advisor. Uh oh, we have our first poem of the night. The words “made my heart flutter like waves in the ocean” come out of his mouth and it doesn’t appear to be a joke.
Dan - 30 - beverage sales director. Looks like if a foosball man came alive.
Ben - 28 - entreprenuer. He brought his 5 year old son to the Bachelor house so he is obviously a horrible father. His kid is insanely cute though and Des eats this shit up with a spoon. She will definitely be calling herself a “bonus mom”. I also cannot let it go that Ben’s bio states that if he could live in any time span he would choose “the time of Jesus.”
Cocktail Hour
Well that took a while! Now it’s time for the cocktail hour and this is just too long so I will make this quick.
Sean was a trailblazer and now there are no rules about waiting until the rose ceremony to give anyone a rose. This is bad for me because I cannot keep track of who the hell has one - roses are just flying all around and all these douches look the same. Basically I’m having a hard time following what’s happening on the Bachelorette and I don’t want to talk about it.
The magician starts early! What a gift. He tells all the guys he has a magic trick for them and I am so excited, but then it’s just that he will make Des disappear for 5 minutes. What a letdown. He gets alone time with Des and explains that he his a suit salesman who does magic on nights and weekends and I immediately get sad because I know he is not making it through the night. If there are any men reading this blog and looking to get rid of a clingy girl, tell her you’ve decided to do magic shows on nights and weekends. It’s the ultimate vagina closer.
Ben gets Des alone and explains that he had a kid with his best friend, which is code for extremely drunken one night stand gone horribly wrong, but Des does not seem to pick up on this. She immediately gives him a rose for being “husband material.” Des is dumb.
The shirtless wonder risks ruining his spray tan and jumps in the pool. But it was worth it because it gets him a rose.
Juan Pablo teaches Des soccer in the front yard and I can’t keep my pants on. It reminds me of the beauty that was Ali and Roberto the first night they met. Ah, the good old days.
Jonathan the fantasy suite guy seems pretty drunk and ready to make his move, which is to try and kiss Des alone in a little rape den he has fashioned. After preparing with some pushups, he sits her down and says he has no filter and is outgoing, and is therefore way better than Sean. Can’t say I disagree. Desiree is not feeling him at all though and walks away mid-convo saying she has other people she needs to talk to. The cameras catch Jonathan alone after this saying “I think I’m a good catch, I’m pretty fun, and my mom says I’m good looking. My love tank hasn’t been depleted in years, so we are looking at a pretty large love tank.” YES. And Jonathan saves the show!
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| Heads up producers - I would make sure to wash those sheets in case he got some of his love tank on them |
Haha then he steals her away again! He tries one more time to bring her to the fantasy suite / homemade rape den and Des makes him go home right away before the rose ceremony because he is making her uncomfortable. Nooooo! He was the only entertaining part of the show! Des ruins everything.
Rose Ceremony
FINALLY. Besides the magician and Jonathan, the best part of this episode has been seeing the previews for Mistresses on the commercials. I can’t wait for that show it looks trash-tastic.
And the roses go to:
Brandon - wakeboarder
Zack - converse. I like him
Will - token black man
Brooks - ew really? He talks like a woman
Juan Pablo - excellente.
Brad - wishbone guy who is too tan
Kasey - the hashtag guy! #awesome
James - guido
Robert - ventroliquist
Brian - doesn't like to financially support women
Dan - foosball
Chris - poetry and Scrabble. Great taste Des.
Mikey - cross-eyed
So that means the guys going home are Larry the ER doctor who dipped Des and ripped her dress, Micah who made his own suit (called it!), Mike the ugly dentist “model”, Diogo the knight, and Nick the magician which is incredibly upsetting. Nick, I will look for you at open mic’s on nights and weekends, and think of you always.
Well that wasn't the most exciting first episode but the previews for the whole season look very dramatic which in Bachelor-land means awesome. So make sure to tune in next week when it seems that Ben puts the Ben in Bentley Williams. See you then!
