Bachelor Pad Episode Six: Jaclyn Is The New Jamie

We kick off this episode the same way we kick off every episode - with people experiencing from what I can tell is legit PTSD.  Everyone is distraught and Rachel is crying her bangs off about Michael leaving. I don’t fucking blame her, what the hell is she going to do now besides be on a television show where you get paid to get wasted and lay out by the pool every day?

Puppet Master shows up after the rose ceremony again!  The guy must be seriously killing it in overtime hours this season.  He says that the competition is going to take a dramatic turn and now everyone will be competing as couples - winning together as couples and being able to be voted off as couples.  As if Rachel didn’t have it bad enough her fate is now linked to her new partner Nick, who is the most forgettable person in the world and has not spoken a word this entire season.

We get it. You're sad.

 

The Challenge

The next morning Rachel is STILL CRYING.  This is going to be a long night.  The gang goes outside and there is a school bus waiting there to take them to their challenge.  I am shocked it is not a short bus.

They get to a school auditorium and we find out that this challenge will be a Spelling Bee!  This should be hysterical.  As if these people aren’t going to have a hard enough time with this, Chris Harrison tells them they will have to spell as a team, alternating letters.  That’s not easy for a relatively smart person, much less these retards.  Tony is nervous since the “one thing he sucks at is spelling.” Other things include parenting and life, of course.

ABC decides to make this especially embarrassing by having children judge this contest.  They come out and Kalon asks if they came from Hogwarts and beats me to my joke. But seriously, what kind of parents allow their children to be in the same room as these degenerates?  I didn’t know Tony had three kids.

The producers are really drilling it in that these people are special needs and have them start off spelling words like Heart, Rose, and Kiss.  Its like Celebrity Jeopardy on SNL, except Z List Spelling in Real Life.  Blakley surprises no one when she misspells engagement ring but Kalon misspells jewelry and that is really disappointing.  I definitely didn't think that Lindzi would be the brains of that couple, and if she is...well lets just say things are really not looking good for them.

The competition comes down to Jaclyn and Ed versus Chris and Sarah and I am literally on the edge of my seat.  Seriously, I need to RELAX.  If Jafar and Skanky Sarah win then I will be forced to go on a crusade to put a stop to the dark arts because now its messing with Bachelor Pad contests and I just can’t have that.  Luckily, being around for 50 years makes you a good speller because Ed is killing it, and I hate to say it but it’s making me very attracted to him.  Apparently I need to add spelling skills to my list of aphrodisiacs (which I just learned to spell thanks to you BP).

Holy shit, Chris and Sarah win.  Damn you, potions!  They both get roses and an overnight date. Blakely is very upset about this and crying. Side note - why do all of Blakely’s hypothetical situations involving men end with her destroying their testicles? Just a question. Anyways, in an especially sick twist Ed and Jacqlyn also win an overnight date. Please keep in mind that in the last episode Ed basically took a shit on Jaclyn’s face in front of everyone and said that he wasn't looking for anything romantic even though they have been sleeping together every night. So this should go well.

HOW did these assholes win?

 

Chris and Sarah’s Date

Ugh.  Inbred and Smoker’s Cough get a limo and an airplane ride to wine country. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it was Ben’s winery in Sonoma and him and Courtney were there to greet them? Chris and Courtney are cut from the same evil cloth and Ben and Sarah are ugly idiots, so everyone would get along.  Once again, I need to write to the producers and offer my services.  

Next they go swimming in a lake. It looks to me like it could definitely have leeches and/or snakes and to be honest I’m really uncomfortable with how deep they are, but I’m also hoping that some sort of animal attack goes down and takes these two out of the game.  But unfortunately they survive and head to dinner in a barn.  Sarah keeps saying that she likes Chris a lot, but she’s concerned since he just broke up with Emily.  They talk about her and Inbred says hes not really over it but talking about it helps him heal.  Hope it also helps heal the smooth surface where your penis used to be.

Omg they are staying the night in the barn! The producers must have really exhausted the budget on the plane ride over.  Its like ok we can either put you up in the Holiday Inn next to the Bachelor Pad house, or we can fly you somewhere cool but you have to sleep in a barn.  Sarah doesn’t seem too upset about it though and the words “I’m excited to spend the night with Chris in this romantic barn and get rugged and sexy and roll in the hay” actually come out of her mouth.  

Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Back at the Pad...

Rachel is STILL CRYING.  She tells Jaclyn that she wouldn't mind going home since she doesn't want to play this game without Michael.  She’s had a rough couple days, losing her life partner of 3 weeks AND a spelling bee.  Did she break a mirror or something?  Then she compares herself to a widow and Nick talks to her about Michael in the past tense saying “He would have wanted you to be here”. Wow everyone needs to RELAX.  I’m pretty sure Michael is just down the road at Olive Garden picking up a few extra shifts.

Jaclyn and Blakely sit Rachel down with some gigantic pours of red wine and convince her to stay.  I think its cute until Jaclyn says they should all vote off Kalon and Lindzi.  Oh no she didn’t!  Everyone is agreeing with her too - how the fuck did she become the ringleader of this operation? They seal their decision with the all binding pinky swear, then get drunk and talk about what they would do with the money if they win.  Blakely concludes that she could finally stop waxing vaginas and get cable.  Seriously she actually said that.  These jokes write themselves.

Ed and Jaclyn’s Date

Time to gear up for what surely will be a very uncomfortable 30 minutes!  Old Man River and Nic Cage in Drag take a limo that takes them to a plane too - hope they know this means they will most likely be sleeping in a cave.  They go to an island and settle down for a picnic where they immediately discuss Ed’s douchebaggery last episode, and Jaclyn basically feeds excuses that she will be ok with to him.  Well now you deserve what you get, idiot.  As if on cue, Ed launches into how he is actively pursuing someone at home and he has feelings for her and not Jaclyn. Just to be clear - NO FEELINGS FOR JACLYN. One more time for the cheap seats - Ed doesn’t like Jaclyn. The only person who doesn’t seem to get this is Jaclyn.

Omg, then Jaclyn says she doesn’t think she will recover from this.  She should look in Chris’s spellbook for some sort of potion that helps desperados get over the loss of a 3 week old fuck buddy, and give some to herself and her friend the Black Widow Rachel.  But in all seriousness, I actually feel really bad for her. It would suck getting rejected by someone who looks like a 50 year old that got trapped in an Abercrombie changing room for 2 hours.

They go to dinner and the awkwardness continues, with Jaclyn trying again to make excuses for Ed by saying they only have to be a couple within the confines of the Bachelor Pad house and nowhere else.  Watching her and Ed have this conversation reminds me of that My So Called Life episode where Jordan is wicked mean to Angela because she’s ugly and he is embarrassed of her. Jaclyn needs two things right now: 1. Rayanne Graff to have her back and 2. Buffalo Tom, because I like that song they play and haven’t heard it since 1994.  But anyways, back to their conversation, Old Man River briefly contests this notion of being a couple in the house but since this is an overnight date and he already took his Viagra, he ends up agreeing to it.  The last thing we see is them going up the stairs holding hands as we hear Jaclyn saying she can’t live without Ed.  Uh oh, looks like Jamie’s soul has gone into Jaclyn’s body.

We are totally a couple.  If by couple you mean
I can pretend I don't know you in public.

 

Back at the Free Clinic...

Tony calls himself Blakely’s knight in shining armour in the gayest voice I have ever heard.  Even Elton John thought that was a bit much. Then he totally steals Michael’s idea and makes a bed for him and Blakely to have sex on outside and calls it a date.  He is wearing a completely unacceptable shirt and coming on very strong, telling Blakely he wants to have her in his everyday life. Blakely is not into it and you can tell because the more uncomfortable she gets, the more she talks in baby voice, so by the time he has poured her a glass of wine and told her he wants to focus on their future she is speaking like a toddler.   

Watch out Tony.  There's a good chance she
will eventually destroy your testicles.

 

I had to open a second bottle of wine when they started making out. I can't be sober if I’m going to be subjected to that.

The next morning...

Jaclyn and Ed come home with 2 roses they can give to any couple except themselves, so the next 20 minutes consist of everyone just kissing their asses.  For some reason they end up giving the roses to Blakely and Tony to “reward them for their loyalty”.  Mafia Michael would be so proud.  

Kalon is really pissed about this though and says that just because “him and Lindzi aren't emotional alcoholics who cry and run around talking about their emotions all the time doesnt mean they dont want it.”  Kalon, your serial killer is showing.  Might want to cover that up before possibly being voted out by a group of your peers, just a suggestion.  I still love you.

So now the couples its come down to are Rachel and Nick versus Kalon and Lindzi.  The rose ceremony deliberations are always so long and boring, so lets just say its a typical night where everyone is lying and fighting.  Nick uses his 10 seconds of airtime this entire season to look like DUI mugshot and be a loose cannon yelling at Blakely and Tony to not vote him off.  He calls Kalon “helicoptor boy.”  What?!  No one has used that reference since June!

Rose Ceremony

Nick looks like when you use technology from the early 90’s to see what your ugly baby will look like when he’s 35.

I don't know who has been doing Jaclyn’s make up this week but they need to cut it out. She’s been through enough!

I changed my mind.  I feel really bad for Ed.

Rachel actually did cry her bangs clean off and she looks wicked pretty without them!  She should grow those out but then she’d probably miss the Bachelor Pad Reunion Show - you can’t go to any social events while you’re growing out your bangs.  I would know - I’m always growing out my bangs.  Don’t get bangs.

And the couple going home is...Lindzi and Kalon!  OH NOOOOES.  This is very upsetting and Kalon looks like he actually might cry.  They somberly go off in different limos but then Kalon stops his and gets out to go in Lindzi’s.  How very Ames of him!  I may or may not have teared up a little.  Don’t judge me.

Well that was a rough one folks. Hopefully the next episode is a bit cheerier. Wait - just saw the preview and it seems to be just more of Rachel crying. There better AT LEAST be some donkey punching thrown in.  Only one way to find out.  See you next week!