Bachelor Pad Episode Three: "In the end, everyone ends up screwing each other." Literally.

Alright, let’s get this show on the road. This week we begin at the end of last week’s episode and once again everyone looks shell shocked that someone had to go home. I hate to break it to you but almost all of you will go home eventually, so get over it. 

Moving on.

When did Reid seriously become 45? He tells us again about his genius plan to mind fuck all of the girls in the house for voting against Ed. Reid - you are not dealing with neuroscience here. I’m pretty sure a hampster could pull one over on these idiots. Maybe you should focus your scheming on something more important, like not being on Bachelor Pad.

Ed is so pissed at almost being voted off, he's talking about going home. I would be willing to bet Tony’s parent of the year award on the fact that he is not going ANYWHERE. Leave the free booze and hot tub? Not that middle aged has-been. Instead he put up his chin, straps on his beer goggles, and lets Jaclyn convince him to stay which takes oh about 2 seconds.

The Competition:

An obstacle course! I wonder if they have to do their own laundry, that shit looks messy.  The course is named “Hot Sludge Funday” which I’m pretty sure was Jaclyn’s nickname in high school.

Basically this course is a relay race that involves having to wade vagina deep in ice cream, sliding down a hot fudge slide, “crab crawling” (pun absolutely intended) through a field of whipped cream, and getting in a “sack and scooping 5 scoops of nuts on your head." I couldn’t make this shit up. Why don’t they just cut to the chase and put in a station where you have to jam sprinkles up each other's asses? The last leg of this Paula Dean’s wet dream race is continuing down the field in their nut sack (Chris Harrison you’re killing me) and tagging their partner who has to complete the course and eat a cherry at the end. Jesus. I'm pretty sure a a competition planning session goes something like, “Hey guys, want to come over, each chug a bottle of tequila and watch Skinemax? That will get the creative juices flowing!”

I just noticed that Quasimodo is wearing a camisole. 

It lifts and separates.

Kalon makes a joke about Erica being fat. FINALLY.

The girls start and this is the most hysterical thing I’ve ever seen. They look like they just went through a diarrhea car wash. The boys are typically taking it way too seriously and once again the tiniest of the men are in the lead. Haha of course Inbred Chris is in last place. Its amazing how bad he is at absolutely everything, most importantly life. Luckily for him though Ed's arthritis acts up so he ends up quitting by collapsing in a tub of hot fudge. Gross. 

Quick!! Get in your nut sack!

Quasimodo/David ends up winning and I forgot to give a fuck. This means that both David and his partner Rachel get to go on a date! Then they all get hosed off but Blakely somehow ends up back at the house still being covered in chocolate...but in a fresh change of clothes. This leads me to believe that is not hot fudge.

Quasi picks Blakley (snooze) Erica (well played newbie) and Jamie who looks horrified. Rachel picks Nick (who I have again forgotten about), Tony (don’t get me started) and Michael (YAY!). OMG - the first thing out of Tony’s mouth is about how he is doing this for his son. I just...can’t...make anymore bad dad jokes. He makes it too easy.

Quasimodo's Date

The date is PROM! Blakely hears this and immediately heads to the backseat of the limo waiting in the parking lot because she wants to keep it authentic. 

Actually this date looks like a lot of fun - they get to pick out dresses! I am going to be very disappointed if I don't hear “All my life” by KC and JoJo. Ugh instead it's Katie Underarmor or whoever, she’s basically a knock off Taylor Swift (Thanks again for blowing the budget Emily).

Wait, I'm confused.  I thought the virgin went home...?

I had high hopes for this but there is not enough wine in my apartment to get me to write about the rest of Quasi’s date. It’s too goddamn boring. But side note - why the hell is Blakley so self entitled?! No one should accept anything from her ever because apparently you are going to owe her your first born child if you do. She’s like a fairytale troll. That’s the best way to describe her.

So Quasi ends up growing balls (maybe just one) and gives Jamie the rose and they dance and it’s boring.

Back at the Pad

Back at the house people are getting drunk. Shocking! Over/under on how many of these people end up on Intervention in 5 years? Reid is still obsessing about Ed finding out that he got some people to vote him off last week. Does he honestly think that Ed will figure this out on his own? Does he not live with Ed? I have watched two episodes of this and am surprised that Ed has not yet drowned in a pool of his own vomit. But it is kinda sad that Ed really does think him and Reid are friends - doesn't he know NO ONE is ANYONE’S friend on Bach Pad?? Except of course if you’re friends with Michael, I bet he is actually wicked nice.

Anyways, Ed finally fulfills his sloppy destiny by sealing the deal with Hot Sludge. He yells again during sex and then asks what her name is. Hahahaha. Grandpa Ed is quickly becoming my favorite. 

Side note - Kalon and Lindzi are still snuggling, and I like it. I like it a lot.

Rachel’s Date

So their date is at a wax museum which is extremely creepy. They spy Chris Harrison who is disguised as a wax figure and he actually just looks how he looks normally. The date is that the gang gets to scare everyday schmucks by pretending to be wax figures. You’ve all seen punked, you get it. Honestly, if I was there that day I would be like who the fuck are these people and ask where Bentley is.

We miss you.

Michael comments on how it’s hard to look manly sitting in a make up chair. Is it because your feet don’t touch the floor? As far as I can tell, getting your makeup done like a wax figure is just basically looking as similar to George Hamilton as possible. So the team gets set up and acts like wax figures and then scares people and basically everyone that gets punked loves Michael (obvi) and hates everyone else. My favorite part happens when they ask the regular people there what they think about Tony and no one knows him until the actor playing along says “The guy that left his son”, and they immediately remember who he is and say that he is pathetic and it is awesome.

Crazy Waxy Cool

Rachel gives Michael the rose and they end up spending the rest of the evening being ridiculously cute. Friendly note for the future Rachel: laying down looking up is NOT your best angle. Wise up or I’m going to start calling you Rachel Two Chins like some sort of mafia henchman.

Back at The House...

Jamie continues to be the biggest idiot I’ve ever seen by throwing herself at Inbred Chris and talking about how she needs to fall in love on TV so that she can show her grandkids. Won’t be showing them the episode where you try and seduce Ben will ya J? Jamie wanders over to Chris’ bunk and he flat out denies her. Instead of being like fuck you, she’s actually asks him if he’s playing hard to get. I want to die. She is so dumb. Chris continues to be super evil, I’m pretty sure even Bentley wouldn’t be this mean to a girl’s face. OMG After she leaves she says “I’m pretty sure I could have made that happen”...  You could make that happen just about as well as you have made fingerless gloves happen. At this point she is just rambling about being awkward and I would like to watch anything other than this interview.

Later, Sarah has to beat Ed over the head with the fact that Reid is plotting his demise and Ed still kinda doesn’t get it. He and Jamie should hook up because they are pretty much in the same IQ range. Very, very low. I feel like if they hooked up it would end with like an elbow in someone’s armpit and them thinking they had sex.

Nice tank top Reid.

This is the point at which I remember how fucking long this show is. Blakley is freaking out and Tony and Michael are trying to talk her off of a ledge. Less Blakely drama, more of anything else.

Erica tells Reid that everyone wants to vote him off. Can we talk about how boring Kalon has been this episode?! I hate to say it but I’m disappointed with his behavior. I was expecting you to ruin my fucking summer! Step it up or lose me forever.

Oh hey Donna, where the fuck have you been? She is also on the chopping block because she is new and Erica is threatened by her. Donna is going to be bummed if she goes home because everyone has gotten action but her and she can’t leave having not hooked up with anyone. The great shame that will be brought upon their family’s name if they come home without being porked by at least one of these douche bags seems to be a recurring mantra amongst these girls. Do they get money or something behind the scenes if they sleep with people? Chris Harrison... I’m on to you! 
Blakley and Donna are on the chopping block and the swing vote is left in Kalon’s hands. Yessss time to shine asshole! Kalon makes just the right amount of mean comments to get on my good side.

Donna ends up making out with whatshisface Nick. 

Woah Jaclyn nice thigh bruise you hot mess. And that’s coming from someone who is a clumsy drunk and gets a lot of bruises. Maybe next time consider wearing pants. And a ski mask. 

Reid continues to bore me to tears. Fuck you Reid, be more entertaining. 

Donna, Jamie and Erica vote for Ed to be sent home and Sarah is still a fucking idiot and knows she is getting mind fucked by Reid and STILL DOESN’T KNOW IF SHE’LL VOTE FOR ED. That girl... she’s just special.

We finally wrap up the voting and they all look just about as sober as I feel (not very).

Rose Ceremony

Dave/Quasi handing out roses is just about where I can max out on my creepiness intake for the week. Holy fuck I am going to have nightmares of him congratulating me and handing me a hair doll or something.

In the end Donna and Reid go home because Blakley is batshit crazy and good tv and Ed is a hottttttttt mess. Jacqlyn pipes in at the end about how much dishonesty is ruining the game and she seems to be missing the point of the entire show.

Reid can’t believe Ed outsmarted him again by being the dumbest person on the show and Donna just basically does her last interview entirely with duck face and I am glad to see both of these people go.

Next week - Jamie cries, Chris screws over both Blakley and Jamie, and Sarah gets played. Can’t wait! See you next time!