Bachelor Pad Episode Two: Twins be crazy yo!

Welcome to week two of Bachelor Pad recaps. This week’s lesson: Twinspeak is actually a lot like Pig Latin. Also, Inbred Chris harnesses pure evil.

To start off the show, we close out on the last rose ceremony with Erica Rose thanking everyone for saving her and basically making the whole thing about her, again. Does she know that everyone except two people are still there? You aren’t that special. And fix your weave.

Next (as this tends to be the use of any kind of down time) everyone gets shit canned drunk. Oh god someone let the twins in the liquor cabinet and their self-appointed au pair Rachel is trying to make sense of their drunken gibberish. It is seriously like watching Furbys interact. I don’t understand their twinspeak but in the end they are hugging so apparently everything is ok? Well, everything except for their raging herpes.

The Competition:

To start, have I talked about how ridiculous it is that this show is ultimately designed for people to find love? If this system worked then everyone would come back from spring break with a soul mate.  Also, does anyone else think it’s kind of janky that they only win $250k? Come on ABC, we know you have three of these series to fund a year and Emily kind of sucked the well dry with her new veneers and terrible wardrobe, but still.  What’s next season, a Dunkin Donuts gift card and a Shamwow?

Anyways, Chris Harrison comes out in khaki cargo pants to announce that the cast is going to be competing in rhythmic gymnastics.  Why not just get them a Karma Sutra coach?!  Not very subtle Chris Harrison but I like where your head’s at.

We start off with the guys and they're pretty fucking bad with the exception of Michael and David, which is surprising considering Ryan does this kind of thing in his down time.  However, David also looks super, super, super gay and the words “mastering the moves off the bat” come out of his mouth in reference to Michael and he is completely serious.  Ed and Reed are by far the worst, no surprise there.  Wow Jillian had some doozies to choose from. It should also be noted that Ed’s hair looks less Mr. Brady today and more like the episode of Seinfeld when they don't have any water pressure in their showers.

"Low flow?  I don't like the sound of that."

Now onto the girls!  What is shocking is that they are also horrible - even worse than the guys! How do these idiots keep losing their ribbon sticks?! Sarah literally is tangled up in hers like a blind cat, Erica is doing a cartwheel exactly like a toddler and Jaclyn’s ribbon wraps itself around her face completely covering it for the rest of this episode.  Ok I made that last part up, but a girl can dream.

The practice session gets pretty boring and I’m not looking forward to this competition until they come out and HAHA they’re making them ALL wear leotards. Proof again Chris Harrison loves us.

Umm...Where is Michael's bulge?!

And even more proof - Ashley and JP are judges!!!  Does anybody else think JP is way less hot than they remember him?  I guess anyone looks fly next to Ben.  Oh, and there is also an actual Olympian there to judge them who I just feel bad for because of the mess she is going to be subjected to watch.  But really I just feel bad for myself that I'm more excited to see Ashley and JP than an Olympic medalist.

The girls start and it’s honestly the most terrible thing I’ve ever seen. THIS IS CHAOS. I am horrified watching this. And by the look on the Olympians face, she is too. 

The boys now have the stage and all I can think about is how mens thighs make me sick and that Ed looks super creepy and much older than everyone else in his leotard. It looks like Mr. Brady raided Peter’s gym bag.  And Michael looks a little too happy to be dancing around with ribbons.

Where does Ryan think he's going with that ribbon stick?

   
The judges are in agreement about how terrible the girls are. JP says that some men were definitely more flamboyant than others and basically cuts David’s balls off with one swoop.

The Olympian gives Ed and Erica (again) the proverbial “fuck you for making me watch that” and tells them they were the worst performers, so they automatically have a vote against them in the rose ceremony.  But apparently Blakely is very “talented” as a “dancer” so she wins and gets a rose for herself plus one to give out on her date with three guys. I’m thinking she won because of all the practice she got as a VIP cocktail waitress. It’s related. Trust me.

Michael also wins best dancer and says that while last year he used his roses strategically to win the $250k, this time he’s playing for love.  Then he says he just wants to feel butterflies.  Then he starts crying and using his tears to masturbate with. They didn't show that last part but it obviously happened.

Donna is of course super pumped that Michael won and desperately wants to go on a date with him.  She says that usually guys fall for her the second they see her and then the camera pans to her deepthroating a banana.  Well played Bachelor producers, well played.

Nothing to see here, just getting some potassium.

So Michael chooses to search for love and butterflies with Rachel, Lindzi and Donna.  Blakely demonstrates the worst taste in men in the world by choosing Ed, Chris, and Quasimodo David, who actually tears up when Blakely says his name. Jesus. Display some dignity or go back to your bell tower.

Michael’s Date

Lets make this quick.  Donna wears a crop top sweater and high rise jeans which boggles my mind considering this is her ultimate dream date with Michael and two other chicks.  They go see a “band” that has one lead singer rocking Bieber Bangs and 5 guys behind him that don’t even all have instruments.  The crowd is very unattractive and not doing a very good job of pretending like they are there to feel the music and not to see a d-list Bachelor Pad date.  How do people get tickets to these things?  If someone could let me know I would appreciate it because I would be the best Bachelor date extra EVER.

So Donna is right in the middle of rubbing her ass against Michael’s waiter apron when Rachel storms by, grabs Michael, and makes out with him.  Donna is crushed.  Good thing she brought her sketch pad!  She decides the only way for her to win Michael’s heart back is to prove that she has been stalking and mailing him her nail clippings for years.  Michael is kinda creeped out but says that he is going to “do her a favor” and make out with her before promptly giving the rose to Rachel.

The shading on the chin butt is just incredible.

...Back at the Pad

Ryan is making a birthday cake for Jamie because he has nothing else to do while everyone is getting hammered and donkey punching each other. He also covers her bed in a candy.  Then he gets her balloons, flowers and sushi. OMG you guys...Ryan is going to ask Jamie to be his beard!  Cuteeeeee!!!

Unfortunately Jamie is not impressed and barely says thank you to Ryan before going into the confessional to talk about how much she wants to bang Chris and that she’s the perfect person for him to bring home to his family.  She says all this while wearing black lace fingerless gloves.  But her happiness doesn’t last long because back at the Happy Birthday Beard party Ryan drops the bomb that Chris definitely wants to stay partners with Blakely.  Jamie doesn’t believe him and goes to look for Chris, and guess where she finds him?  In Blakely’s bed!  Which is right below Jamie’s!  Lesson learned: like Shakira’s hips, virgins don’t lie.  



Blakely’s Date

Ugh. I don't even care at this point, we know she’s an idiot and is going to give Inbred Chris the rose.

The date is soapbox car racing and I find myself wishing I was watching The Little Rascals circa 1994 instead. This does look fun but I gotta say, its a pretty ghetto Bachelor date.  These people are used to helicopters and private islands, and then you take them to a street in the valley with wooden carts.  Maybe they couldn’t get private jet clearance because you’re not supposed to fly with crabs.

I got a dolla, I got a dolla, I got a dolla hey hey hey hey!

Grampa Ed comes in first and wins a trophy, further proving that its impossible for Chris to win any sort of remotely athletic event, ever.  Ed pretty much knows that Blakely is still going to give the rose to Chris, so he uses this time to relax with some cocktails and not really talk to her.  Quasimodo is in it to win it though, and actually uses some strategy in playing on Blakely’s emotional side and tells her that he will always be there for her and promises to be her slave.  I think that this might win Blakely over, but of course it doesn’t. Chris's lack of skills and busted face continue to dominate the rose games.  I am so confused.


Back at the lower deck on the Titanic...

Everyone at the house is super drunk and horny. It’s either a full moon or...just another Monday. Someone spiked the Brady punch again and Ed is a hot mess drinking out of his soap box trophy. Jaclyn is taking full advantage of his beer goggles and is all over him in the hot tub.  I think I saw Erica and Donna frenching, David is totally making out with one of the twins, and Michael and Rachel are still going at it.  The only one sitting alone is Sarah, who says that she would be embarrassed being the only one that doesn’t hook up since that would be pathetic.  She’s right, I mean when I see people that don’t have The Clap I just feel really sad for them.  Their lives are so boring.

So Sarah is looking around at her options and decides to steal Ed from Jaclyn.  She says that she is attracted to Ed because he reminds her of herself, since he is “so confident and good looking.”  Its like a Self Unawareness Convention.  They proceed to go to Sarah’s bed and have sex while Ed drunkenly screams about pickles the entire time. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.  Someone should introduce him to Snookie. And the twins finally become useful!

Speaking of the twins...Erica and Britney constantly look like they just came back from a 24 hour gang bang in a hurricane.  They are crazy messes and end up arguing all night long about things I can’t understand.  I believe one of them doesn’t stick up for the other?  And one is a slut?  Jaclyn actually makes me laugh when she says that listening to them has made her ears bleed “gallons of blood”.  The fighting goes on for way too long but it ends up being worth it when the impossible happens and they up and leave the house!  For good!  This means there will not be a rose ceremony for the girls and therefore we will not be subjected to Erica campaigning for a spot again. What a treat.


The next morning Kalon is drinking a martini with breakfast and I’m reminded of my love for him.  He was also making fun of the twins while cuddling with Lindzi the night before and it looked super fun.  He now has her completely under his thumb and is getting her to do whatever he wants in regards to the rose ceremony.  He tells her that he wants the girls to vote for Ryan because virgins annoy him, and Lindzi looks at him all googly eyed before she goes off to convince all the girls to get rid of the guy who doesn’t have std’s and makes everyone cakes and sushi. 

I'm concerned about how jealous of Lindzi I am.

So Lindzi gets a core group of girls against Ryan, and this seems like it might be a pretty simple rose ceremony, but then Reed has to try and ruin everything, AGAIN!  After last week’s shenanigans with Paige I thought he would have learned his lesson.  Instead he scrapes the barrell and gets Sarah, Donna, Erica, and Jamie to vote off Ed since Reed has had a grudge against him ever since Jillian let him put his pickle in her fantasy suite.  

This all goes on for 20 minutes longer than it needs to and the only other thing that happens is that Sarah pulls a dumbass move by telling Ed - the guy she JUST slept with - that she voted for him before the ceremony even happens.  It doesn’t make any sense and Sarah cries a lot while Ed looks betrayed, and its all very uneventful.


The Rose Ceremony

Reed looks like someone who lost all of his money in Bernie Madoff’s ponzi scheme.

Was Jamie let loose in a Claire’s Accessories store before she packed?! What the fuck is she wearing?!

Ryan and Ed are on the chopping block and if Ryan is saved I might not watch this show. Who am I kidding, I definitely will.

Aaaaand the final rose goes to...Ed!  Ryan is OUT.  Not of the closet, just Bachelor Pad. 

See ya later Richie from Family Matters.

 

Pass out the Andre - this episode is over.

Next week Jamie is pathetic, Michael buys a ring for Rachel, and Mr Brady loses his temper.  See you then!