Bachelor Pad Episode Four: We Need To Talk About Jamie

Hello again!  As per usual they spend the first 5 minutes of the episode showing us absolutely everything that's going to happen.  I will never understand this logic.  But it looks like Jamie is headed for a serious breakdown and being inbred makes you a horrible person, so it should be an exciting 2 hours!

We start with Ed making his rose acceptance speech like he’s at the VMA’s.  He actually lists who he would like to thank.  If he was smart he would throw in his pharmacist, might get a discount on his Viagra.

So they are all hanging out after the rose ceremony when Chris Harrison unexpectedly shows up. I hope he’s getting paid overtime for this. He says the next challenge is starting now and hands out surveys filled with personal questions for them all to fill out.  Of course they are all sloppy drunk so this should be awesome. I would love to get my hands on a copy of those, I bet they are like a sexually charged Dr. Suess.

Kalon makes a hilarious comment early in the episode!  This is a very good sign!  He says he predicts the surveys will bring a lot of tears and that the questions will be like who is the ugliest, who is the smartest, and who is the fattest. Then he says obviously all the answers will either be him or Erica.  Haha.  God I hate you Lindzi.

The Challenge

The next morning they all wake up in their hungover haze and have to play “Gameshow Mashup”. Really ABC? That is the best game show name you could come up with? Apparently the contestants aren’t the only ones phoning this season in....

Even the winners are losers.

Chris Harrison is clearly pumped to be in his dream job right now as a creepy 80’s game show host.  Good thing he has that podium to hide his boner.

So basically this is a combination of trivia and the newlywed game.  The girls go first and have to answer some basic trivia about geography and past bachelor seasons.  It's super boring until they finally get to the good stuff and start using questions based on the surveys.  The first one makes the girls guess which of the guys said they think they have accomplished the most in the house, and almost all of them get it right by choosing Ed.  Which makes sense considering his unemployment allows him to randomly go on Bachelor Pad for a few months, and he is porking the ugliest girl in a house full of desperate sluts.  If that's accomplished I don’t know what is.

Sarah thinks she is going to win because she’s “really good at reading people.”  I would like to go ahead and correct her: Sarah you are not good at reading people, you don’t even know what YOU are up to half the time so shut the fuck up and maybe think about waxing your stache. Thanks.

Michael calls this an “emotional” challenge and an angel gets its wings.

I am very disappointed in the survey questions used for this game.  It could have been so much more scandalous!  Where are the questions about the ugliest and the sluttiest?!  Who was caught donkey punching Jaclyn in the fantasy suite with Erica’s gavel?!  The only other thing we found out is that Nick thinks Blakely is not accomplished.  Astonishing.  I need to write a letter to the producers and offer my services.

Speaking of Blakely, Inbred Chris is cheering for Sarah and Blakely’s crazy level shoots from 7 (her normal level) straight to an 11.  As much as I hate Chris with every fiber of my being, I don’t blame him for being scared of Blakely.  She is absolutely terrifying.  There is nothing worse than an emotionally disturbed hooker. Its like if Kit from Pretty Woman and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction had Rosemarys Baby.  In Florida.

So Jaclyn proves that what the gods took from her in looks they made up for Bachelor Pad trivia knowledge, and wins for the girls. Now it’s the guys turn and I am SO EXCITED. But I shouldn’t be because nothing happens.  Jamie writes that Jaclyn is the fakest in the house because she is so manipulative and now she’s on Jaclyn’s shit list.  Blakely said she has slept with 9 people and then tells the cameras its a lie.  Duh.  However, Ed did get one more thing to add to his list of accomplishments because Old Man River wins the rose!

Back the the House

Everyone is making a big deal about Jamie calling Jaclyn fake.  Tony gets his 10 seconds of airtime and uses it to look like a retired boy-bander while telling us that Jamie has a lot of explaining to do.  We are now 24 minutes in and Jamie is already in tears. It’s gonna be a loooooooooong night.

So Jaclyn gets to go on her date first, and Sarah is using her excellent people reading skills to tell everyone how excited she is for Jaclyn to be out of the house so she can get some alone time with Old Man River.  She seems to think that her voting him off right after she slept with him, and his subsequent gross hook up with Jaclyn was just a speedbump in their road to marital bliss.  Do you think that Ed was actually sober enough to make any kind of premeditated, emotional decision? He honestly probably thought he was banging Chris Harrison when he slept with both of you.

Jacklyn’s Date

Sarah’s dreams of growing being old with Ed are crushed when Jaclyn picks him for their date even though he already has a rose!  They head to Dodger Stadium where they play baseball by themselves and eat hot dogs really disgustingly.  Ed has never looked more like a Dad.  Then they sing the national anthem and now its our turn to have our ears bleed gallons of blood.  Combined with my eyes bleeding every time I have to look at Jaclyn, its a bad night.

Thanks for ruining hot dogs for me.

Chris Harrison gets the last laugh though, because he sends a note saying Ed and Jaclyn have to give the rose to someone else in the house and Old Man River doesn’t get to go on a separate date. Ed looks like he is going to cry.  Jaclyn shows off her brains by wanting to give the rose to Kalon, but Ed wants to give it to Chris.  Wtf?!  How is Chris seriously mind-fucking everyone in this game?  Ed goes as far to say that he wants to give the rose to Chris because he loves him!  Chris is obviously using some sort of black magic here, it's the only explanation.

Back at the Pad...

I have been dreading writing this paragraph, but We Need To Talk About Jamie.  She is what happens when extreme stupidity meets soul-crushing insecurity.  I don’t know what happened to her to make her act like this, but I suspect its something bad and therefore not funny and shouldn’t be discussed in this forum.  So Jamie I’m not going to talk about your daddy issues, but girl, we need to get something straight.  Guys are never “hard to get”.  It's simply not a game that they play, or even know how to play.  If you’re thinking that a guy is hard to get, that just means he doesn’t like you.  So save some dignity and WALK AWAY.  DO NOT STALK HIM UNTIL HE GOES TO BED.  Christ almighty.  And it doesn't stop there - they show them cuddling and making out while the camera goes back and forth from Jamie in the confessional saying how great Chris is to Chris in the confessional saying how annoying Jamie is.  He said he only kissed her to get her to stop talking.  This is one big dumb insecure black magic evil inbred shitstorm.

So the next morning Jaclyn and Ed have a meeting to give out their rose.  Chris must have found some time to make potions last night, because they give the rose to him instead of Kalon.  I am immediately nervous since we know there is no way in hell Chris is taking Jamie or Blakely on his date. I hope this house comes with a couple padded rooms devoid of sharp objects that lock from the outside.

Just as predicted, Chris picks Sarah for the date.  Jamie is basically unraveling before our eyes and Blakely’s blood is on a low boil.  Oh god, We Need To Talk About Jamie again.  She goes to talk to Chris, who tells her that he hates Blakely, then kicks her out of his room so he can get ready for the date, and Jamie somehow spins this into a whole delusional story about how Chris is only taking Sarah on the date so he doesn’t hurt anyone?  It makes absolutely no sense.  And Jamie please stop going on about how Chris is so great because of how incredibly loyal he is.  Chris is about as loyal as a VIP Cocktail Waitress on discount lapdance night.

I wonder if Ed blacks out every night because he’s playing a drinking game where you take a shot every time Blakely says “betrayed”.  That would explain his cirrhosis.

Chris’s Date

Ugh.  Chris is wearing hightops and looks like a douche.  Their date is to make their own action movie, which I am choosing to believe was done by the producers for our entertainment since Chris sucks at anything remotely athletic.  The stunt guy directing them asks if either of them have any action background, and they both say yes and list off their STD’s as proof.  What I’m saying is they are both whores.  So Sarah suits up in a leather outfit with very visible panty lines and accidentally kicks Chris square in the face, which might be the highlight of my life so far.  Then they make out for the cameras and Sarah forgets that this morning she was in love with Ed, and is now having deep feelings for Inbred.  Special.

Next Chris and Sarah zoom through dinner and go straight to the hot tub, where they grossly make out and basically fornicate before our very eyes.  My eyes are bleeding like if Jaclyn was on the screen.  

The only people more evil than Chris - the Bachelor Pad producers - decide that this would be a perfect time to show Jamie back at the house having a serious talk with Blakely about how she should have the Inbred all to herself.  Because obviously Blakely is all about 1. rational conversations and 2. trading partners. Good plan Jamie.  But they actually seem to come to an agreement and Jamie tells the cameras that she’s so excited for Chris to come home so she can tell him they can be together forever.  Of course then they pan back to Chris and Sarah getting a room at the hotel for the night.  Chris doesn’t even have a rose on this date because he didn’t win the challenge.  Sarah is doing this for free!  Inbred is not though, since the lady at the hotel front desk asks for a credit card and ID.  I love that they show this and I really hope Chris is paying for this personally, although I’m sure it was a deal worked out with Chris Harrison, with a bonus if they let him in the room with them.

Chris Harrison is totally behind that plant with a corporate card and some lube.

So back at the house Ed gets a rose to give to a girl since he won the challenge, but no date since he sold his soul to Jaclyn.  He gives it to Rachel and I wholeheartedly approve.

The next morning Chris and Sarah walk of shame into the house and I honestly think Jamie might slit her wrists right there. She calls the situation “alarming”. Actually what is “alarming” is your total lack of ability to read people, situations or books.

Ugh now we have made it to the rose ceremony deliberations and I really want to fast forward.  Chris Harrison pops in and Sarah starts explaining to him everything that happened this episode like he’s not the puppet master of this entire orgy.  

Basically David knows he’s on the chopping block since he’s the last of the fans, and is trying his hand at politics, which he’s actually quasi good at.  See what I did there?  So he talks to Jaclyn who says the only person she might vote off instead of David is Nick, so he goes on a campaign to convince everyone to vote for Nick instead of him.  How is Tony flying this far under the radar??  Anyways, first Quasi gets Jamie on his side, and then goes to talk to Michael.  When did Michael join the mafia? He is wearing all black, shakes Quasi’s hand and says that it sounds like a good deal but he needs to check with his girls. You mean Rachel Two Chins?  

For the girls it's coming down to Jamie and Blakely.  Chris is truly evil and says he wants Blakely to go even though she’s his partner because Blakely is feisty and Jamie is a doormat.  Mafia Michael admires his strategy but at the end of the day he is a goodfella and Chris’s disloyalty doesn’t sit well with him.  So Michael goes around to see who everyone is voting for and to make a long story short, Ed, Inbred and Kalon are in a polygamous relationship and all lying to each other.  Kalon tells Chris he is voting for Blakely and Ed he is voting for Jamie, and Ed tells Chris he is voting for Blakely but tells Kalon he is voting for Jamie.  Kalon does say that he would never lie to Lindzi though, and I get butterflies.

Rose Ceremony

Lets wrap this up.

Jaclyn needs to buy a foundation that isn’t called “beet red”.

Aww Lindzi looks pretty. I would like more airtime of her and Kalon next episode, I feel like adorable things are happening that we aren’t getting to see.

When did Chris grow a mustache? He is actually turning into a stereotypical villain right before our eyes.

Not to be confused with Sarah's moustache.

And the people going home are.....Quasi and Jamie!  This means Ed and Kalon both lied to Inbred and he is PISSED.  I love an angry Inbred, his voice just gets loud at random times and the guy cannot form a comeback to save his life.  It gets worse when Jamie finally grows a spine and tells Chris that what he is doing with the girls here is not ok.  Chris puts on his best douche face and tells her that is really lame coming from her considering he tried to save her all night.  My hatred for him has never been stronger.

I was expecting Jamie to possibly commit suicide in the limo, but she manages to keep it together pretty well, with some tears but not maximum security asylum level.  The best part is actually Quasi, who is just pumped to be someone leaving the house in the limo as so many others have done before.  Haha, awesome.  Then he cries and says that the past few weeks have been the best of his life.  Haha, sad.

Thats all she wrote!  See you next week!