Bachelor Pad Episode Five: Chris is a Wiccan

Greetings and salutations!  This episode sucked so bear with us.

We start tonight’s episode with Blakley in a quiet rage at Inbred Chris for trying to get her voted off. She tells the cameras that she now thinks of Chris as the shit on the bottom of her shoe.  Why is it assumed that you have been stepping in poop?  Oh yea, you live with Erica.

Woopsie

The only person that might be more upset than Blakely is the Inbred himself.  Homeboy is HEATED.  He is completely in shock that people in the house lied to him. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding me?! Hey Chris remember what you did to Blakely and then to Jamie and will probably do to Sarah? That’s called lying you dipshit.  And then he tries to turn it all around and says he feels like Blakely put a spell on him!  Just because Erica pooped in your rose ceremony potion and rendered it useless doesn’t mean you should be accusing others of the dark arts.  Dick.

So now Chris is literally hiding under the covers like a petulant child and Sarah is trying to comfort him, but I can see in her eyes she is deeply regretting getting involved with this rollercoaster of inbred emotions.  Then Kalon comes into the room and Chris talks loudly at him accusing him of lying about voting for Blakely even though they are supposed to be best friends.  These people are in their late 20’s, just want you to remember that.  But Kalon does come out with the best line of the season so far: “Yea I’m a liar...do you want me to elaborate on that?” HAHA.  Then he calls Chris out on being a loose cannon running around the house stirring the pot (filled with potions) and no wonder he didn’t get Emily.  Burn!

So Chris goes to his other bff and talks to Ed, who denies lying to Chris since alcoholism causes short term memory loss.  Their fight consists of Ed shaking his head and Chris calling himself a “grown ass man”.  It doesn’t seem that climactic but then all of a sudden Old Man River gets up and intentionally breaks a glass in the hallway!  Wtf?  Chris Harrison is going to be pissed!

The Challenge

The puppet master shows up and takes everyone outside by the pool to go over the challenge.  That’s cool they are letting the pool boy participate!  Oh wait, thats just Tony.  Anyways, the challenge this week is called The Great Fall of China.  Good one producers.  They all have to race between two tables 7 times carrying a tray, adding a cup and saucer each round. The rules of course are the same as always except the loser doesn’t get a vote against them. Good news for Grandpa Ed - there’s no way he’s sober enough to carry that tray. Yeah I know it’s like 10am. Trust me, he’s drunk.

Blakely is very excited for this challenge because of her cocktail waitress background, and then Jaclyn totally calls her out for working at Hooters!  I thought she was wearing nylons under her shorts!   Wait, was Hooters what she was counting as her experience as a “VIP Cocktail waitress”??? I’m pretty sure there is nothing VIP about the clientele at Hooters. HPV maybe, but definitely not VIP.

So the girls go first, and as expected, they are horrible.  Erica could give two fucks about this challenge and just walks while everyone else is running.  Lindzi looks like she is breaking her cups on purpose.  Blakely is sucking too!  Which is more embarrassing - having 13 years of waitressing experience at Hooters and not winning the challenge, or winning the challenge because you have 13 years of waitressing experience at Hooters?  Kind of a catch 22 if you ask me.

Sarah actually ends up coming in first but is disqualified for cheating and touching the cups to balance them.  Haha, karma, Inbred. Or as Kalon calls it, “poetic justice”.  This means Blakely is the winner!  She is pumped and climbing Tony like his son probably climbs jungle gyms.  I say probably because Tony actually has no idea what his son does.

Now its the guys turn and I am predicting disaster.  Why does Ed never do his hair on challenge days?  He looks like Forrest Gump.  Anyways, the guys aren’t as bad as the girls and in typical fashion the miniatures, Michael and Tony, are in the lead.  Blakely is coaching Tony on how to carry his tray like a pro and it is seriously the most annoying thing ever. I am pretty sure he just thinks that if he keeps quiet and wins the challenge Blakley will sleep with him.  And I’m pretty sure he’s right. Well I hope he double bags it because he just won.

Remember, stick out your chest and remind them about the wing special!

Side note - when did it become ok for grown men to wear tank tops?

Back at the Pad

Blakely wants to take Tony on her date, so she gets to give a rose to any guy she wants.  If I was playing a drinking game where I took a shot every time Chris says this is his worst nightmare I would be Ed-level drunk right now.  Its called poetic justice, Inbred.  Blakely gives the rose to Kalon and all is right in the world.

So now Chris Harrison explains that there will be two dates, one during the day and one being an overnight.  Blakely chooses the overnight date because there is a good chance that ABC will fly them somewhere extravagant for the night, and she immediately names Las Vegas as one of the luxurious places they might go.  At first I thought that was a pretty trashy place for her to be excited about, but then I remembered hooking is legal there, so I can see how not having to hide behind VIP Cocktail Waitress would be a luxury for her.

Kalon’s date card arrives with two boxes that look like jewelry boxes.  Kalon gets to pick his date and says there is no doubt in his mind that he wants to take Lindzi, and I feel funny in my pants.  They open the boxes and Lindzi’s has some hideous Neil Lane diamond jewelry inside that Blakely can hardly contain her jealousy of.  Kalon’s has car keys that go to a Bentley waiting for them outside.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if they went out and Bentley from Ashley’s season was there to shake things up?  Get on that Chris Harrison!

Kalon’s Date

Not much to say here actually.  Lindzi reminds me why I hate her by thinking that the mention of “pretty woman” on the date card means that their date will be themed around the movie, Pretty Woman. Yes Lindzi, jokes on you, ABC is actually making you become a prostitute in order to pay the rent on the Bachelor Pad house. Big Mistake. Huge.  They end up in East Compton somewhere eating dinner on a bridge. It’s weird and Kalon talks about zombies then tells Lindzi he might be in love with her which concerns me considering they have known each other for 3 weeks, but they’re still really cute together so it’s ok.

Blakely’s Date

Just to ensure that the audience understands the fact that Blakely is trashy, the producers arrange for Blakely and Tony’s date to be driving an old Jeep to a trailer out in the middle of nowhere.  So much for making some extra cash in Vegas, B.  They do some grilling and Blakely tells Tony that she is reserved around people she likes, then goes on for 20 minutes about her sexual past.  Tony responds to this by telling Blakely that she just hasn’t been with the right guy, then slow dances to country music with her.

Back at the House...

Chris is playing Ed and drinking himself into a stupor while STILL WHINING about people lying to him.  He says he feels like he went from the king of the castle to the servant, so he gets out his Magic for Dummies book to undo this curse.  Chris/Jafar’s big plan is now to get Lindzi sent home.  Is he kidding? That is the worst plan ever and no one is going to vote Lindzi off. She is adorable and you are a psycho.  But then he pretends to forgive Old Man River to manipulate him into voting off Kalon’s girlfriend and OH NO!! It’s working!! Damn it Ed what’s wrong with you?!

Aww Michael sets up a mini date for Rachel! It’s really cute but there is an acoustic guitar on the ground next to them and it’s making me nervous. There is nothing more awkward than a man playing the guitar and singing to you one on one. If there are any guys reading this (which I highly doubt) NEVER PLAY THE GUITAR TO A GIRL IF IT’S JUST YOU AND HER. It’s the fucking creepiest thing EVER. Oh good, they just end up boning on the ground. Much better.  

Back at the Trailer Park...

The best part of the whole episode happens.  Tony and Blakely are still dancing, and he dips her and they kiss.  The producers are acting like its the Notebook.  So the country music is playing, and they show all of the couples.  Kalon and Lindzi are making out, Rachel and Michael are covering the camera in their room so they can have sex, Chris and Sarah are kissing by the pool, Tony and Blakely go into the trailer to make Tony a father for the 2nd time....and Ed is passed out drunk on Jaclyns lap.  Classic.

A face only an obliterated person could love.

The Next Day at the Pad

Blakely and Tony come back and the rest of the gang is GRILLING them about their date. Sarah asks if they “made whoopie” (Sarah, your age is showing) and Tony says that he couldn’t resist and that she loved every minute of it.  Gross.  Ed is sitting behind them and looks like his head is going to explode.  Now Tony gets to give his rose out to a girl, and Jafar tries to get him to give it to Sarah but Tony is now whipped and goes with Blakely’s plan of giving it to...Jaclyn?  Pointless, but whatever.

Moving on.

Chris Harrison shows up and once again pretends like he’s not the puppet master and asks who the couples are in the house like he seriously has no idea.  He is acting like a dad trying to be all down with the kids smoking pot in his basement.  So Michael tells him that Jaclyn and Grandpa Ed are exchanging fluids regularly, and Ed suddenly realizes what he thought was a recurring dream of banging Nicholas Cage in a blonde wig is actually really happening.  He decides now is the time to just deny everything and flat out says he is not romantically involved with anyone and he just came here to have fun. Jaclyn looks like she is going to burst in tears and says she feels very uncomfortable. Now you know how we feel when they show you and Grandpa hooking up.

Needless to say, Jaclyn is an ugly crier.

So Puppet Master realizes this episode is super boring and decides to kick things up a notch and add a little twist.  And oh what a twist it is!  Instead of the usual guys voting for girls and vica versa, tonight everyone is voting for only a girl, and the girl with the most votes gets to pick the guy that leaves too.

Chaos ensues.

Now Chris doesn’t want to vote off Lindzi because he thinks she will make him come with her if she gets sent home.  Michael is in an alliance with Lindzi and they are afraid to vote for Sarah, because for some reason they are sure she would take Michael.  So this pretty much only leaves Erica Rose for Mafia Michael and his honchos to vote for.  Michael feels kind of bad about this since they are friends, but not really since he puts the plan into action and won’t stop telling the camera how genius it is.  He tells Erica that people are voting for her and that Chris started it, so that when Erica leaves she will take Inbred with her.  You have no idea how long this part goes for, but I’m just going to sum it up and tell you that Michael’s plan had some holes in it.  Chris ends up bringing Erica into the voting room with him to prove that he didn’t vote for her, which as much as I hate to say it was a pretty good idea.  God damn it.

Rose Ceremony

Spoiler alert - this is upsetting.  The producers didn’t even try to make us think it could possibly be Lindzi, and Erica gets voted off.  Now she knows Michael voted for her, and she is PISSED so she takes him with her.  Nooo!  Everyone loses their shit.  Rachel is seriously acting like Michael has died and is crying uncontrollably.  She might need therapy after this.  Erica doesn’t soften the blow and tells Michael that the best thing Holly could have done is marry Blake.  Oh no she didn’t!  Michael looks genuinely hurt and for that, Erica should get thrown from the moving limo on her way out of town. 

I'd be crying too if someone brought an acoustic guitar on a date.

Oh well, looks like Rachel will have to find a new mini man to hook up with...Tony, I’m looking at you. This way everyone wins - Rachel will have someone to fake date and Tony can stop pretending that he is really into Blakely and doesn’t find her terrifying in the least bit. You weren’t fooling anyone, even I was pretty sure that you wouldn’t survive the night in that trailer.

Let’s hope next week we see more of A.) Kalon being delightfully devious B.) Inbred Chris getting continuously round house kicked in the face and C.) A guest appearance by the only Bentley that anyone that watches this show cares about - mother fucking Bentley Williams.  

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When will I see you again?

Fingers crossed!