Hola amigos!
It’s finally here, the moment we’ve all been waiting for...Juan Pablo as the bachelor! I am nervous and excited like it’s the first day of school. Actually speaking of escuela, this season is going to be great for my spanish skills - I’m going to have to break out my old textbooks to try and figure out what the fuck that Spanish Dios was talking about in the opening. I believe he lives in Miami? It’s the only word I understood.
| Está bien Juan Pablo, I hablará español con usted. Ver sus calcetines morados! Te amo y traductor google. |
They show the usual 5 minutes of spoilers for the entire season and I am happy to report that JP appears to be a fantastic kisser. Finally a happy medium between Sloppy Ari and Grandma Sean!
Umm, did he just say it’s a career opportunity to find the person he's meant to be with for a few years? He is either shockingly honest about this whole process or it is becoming apparent that Juan Pablo no habla Inglés. And I am finding it adorable. What is happening here?? I have never actually liked the bachelor or bachelorette (besides Ali Fedotowsky, obviously. Love ya girl), so this is completely new territory. I'm worried that I have nothing snarky to say. I don’t even mind the gratuitous shirtless running shots on the beach! Who am I right now?!
Then they show Juan Pablo with his daughter and my lady boner dies down a little. At least I can hate on him for being neglectful and abandoning his daughter for ABC Primetime! Also is it just me or does Camilla look exactly like Ricki Maynard? Are they just using the same kid for all these happy family shots throughout the series? But in all seriousness, she is cute and he is cute with her, but let’s hope there’s not too much daddy stuff this season. We need to save airtime for hot tub makeouts, not children.
Speaking of the devil, Sean Lowe swings by and I’m surprised he doesn’t just burst into flames in that hot LA sun. He clearly has some jealousy issues with Juan Pablo and keeps smiling at him with hatred in his eyes. He has never looked more like the evil Narnia snow creature that we know him to truly be. A really boring evil Narnia snow creature - he is discussing synonyms for the word “journey” right now. I am about 2 seconds away from fast forwarding.
After a quick segway of Juan Pablo lathering up in the shower (seriously), Chris Harrison shows up! About time, lookin fly Puppet Master! And you know what seeing CH means...time to meet some ladies!
First Look at the Girls
First up is Chelsie from Columbus, Ohio. Starting early with the absurd name spellings, I see. She is a “science educator” with a lot of teeth. She is also one of the biggest dorks I have ever seen in my life.
Next is Renee, a 24 year old Real Estate Agent with a sick body...and an 8 year old son. Ugh, children again. I thought this was the Bachelor, not the Babysitter. But still, they would make a lovely neglectful couple.
Then comes Andi, a Prosecutor from Georgia. She is super pretty but I feel like she went to the University of Phoenix Online for Law School.
Next is Amy from LA who wins the award for most fucking awkward introduction of all time. She pulled up on a bike and introduced herself to the camera! I thought for sure she was going to start telling us what a superior tampon Playtex is. She also has crazy bangs and is 100% batshit insane, so I am obviously already completely obsessed with her. Please let this gem stay through the night.
Nikki, a 26 year old Pediatric Nurse comes next. She looks Carrie Underwood in her Got Milk ads circa 2006, but she’s cute and normal. And boring.
Now we meet Lauren, a 25 year old Mineral Coordinator. Ok, I have so many things to say about this one. First of all, she looks and sounds exactly like Blakely! Oh how I miss that crazy Hooters waitress who just wanted love and cable. Second of all, 25?! She is at least 37 years old. Third, what the fuck is a Mineral Coordinator? Fourth, she details her broken engagement on national tv and is clearly not over it. And last but not least she either has a sunburn or a serious blush application problem. We have a real hot mess on our hands here. A real hot mess. Yay!
Which one is the real Blakely?
Next up is Valerie, a 26 year old Personal Trainer who happens to be busted but won’t stop talking about how pretty she is. Her wonky eye must see something I don’t. She is super annoying and clearly trying to be Courtney from Ben’s season, but definitely doesn’t have the chops for it. That kind of pure evil cannot be replicated, don’t EVEN try Val.
Jesus this is a shitload of girls! Now we meet Lacy from La Jolla, who might be an actual angel on Earth. She comes from a family of 13 where 9 of them are disabled, and at 25 she has already opened her own elderly care facility. I feel like she stumbled into the wrong audition room and should be trying out for Sainthood instead of this Bachelor bullshit.
Finally we meet Clare, a 32 year old hair stylist from Sacramento. Her dad made a dvd for her future husband to watch before he died of brain cancer. Her dad died of brain cancer, not her future husband, just to be clear. And I’m sure giving the Bachelor producers rights to that video wasn’t exactly what he had in mind, Clare.
Wow finally that segment is over. Don’t we normally only meet like 5 girls in their hometowns at the start? That seemed excessive. But anyways, now it’s time for Juan Pablo to meet everyone! Chris Harrison tells him that since he’s so popular with the ladies they couldn’t narrow the auditions down to 25 girls so he's going to have to start off with 27. Which basically means the producers met an extra two psychos they knew would be great for ratings and couldn’t let them go. I’ll allow it.
Juan Pablo Meets the Damas
Hereee we go! And first out of the limo is…
Amy L - 27 - News Reporter wearing a hideous red dress. It’s a very boring meet and greet where she just says she’s excited to be there and goes inside. Lets hope these kinds of pleasantries don’t continue through the night.
Cassandra - 21 - “Former NBA Dancer”, Current Escort. She is very pretty but seriously just stands there staring at him not talking. Juan Pablo checks out her ass when she walks away though so I think she’s safe.
Christy - 24 - Marketing Manager wearing a white dress and headband from the JCPenney prom collection. It really brings out the highlighter orange of her spray tan.
Christine - 23 - Police Support Specialist. What the fuck is a police support specialist? She brought a bracelet for Camilla though which is a nice move.
Nikki - 26 - Pediatric Nurse / Got Milk Carrie Underwood we met earlier. She’s wearing a surprisingly skanky dress and does a little bit with JP where she makes him listen to her heart with a stethoscope to hear how nervous she is, basically so he can cop a feel. I approve.
Kat - 29 - Medical Sales Rep. I actually like her dress and her move to have Juan Pablo teach her to salsa dance. She seems normal too - where have all my crazies gone?
Chantel - 27 - Account Manager. Token black contestant. I like that she is wearing a short dress, it’s kind of ridiculous how these girls all wear formal gowns to hang out in a driveway.
Victoria - 24 - Legal Assistant from Brazil and looks exactly like Rachel Berry on Glee. Her dress reminds me of a pug - it’s so ugly it’s cute.
Lucy - 24 - Free Spirit. Seriously, her job title says “Free Spirit.” She is wearing a flower headband, no makeup and no shoes. I’m pretty sure she is actually Leelee Sobieski. NEXT.
Danielle - 25 - Psychiatric Nurse. Another black contestant! Well this is new - are these the same producers as SNL? Either way, if history means anything only one will last the night. My money is on Danielle.
Lauren - 26 - Music Composer. Well, probably not anymore since I think her little stunt coming in cost her her job. She biked her way up the driveway with a piano and then messed up the song. I got panic sweats just watching that.
Chelsie - 24 - Science Educator we met before. She does this whole embarrassing thing where she tries to do a science experiment with Juan Pablo just so she can say that they should “have chemistry.” I can’t.
Valerie - 26 - Personal Trainer we met with a wonky eye that wants to be a villain. She wore cowboy boots and JP is not impressed.
Elise - 27, First Grade Teacher. She looks like a barbie that was left out on a hot day and melted a little.
Ashley - 25 - Grade School Teacher. Her voice leads me to believe she moonlights as a sex phone operator. She gives Juan Pablo a gold star and tells him that she will talk to him more inside...for $1 for the first 5 minutes but $9.99 for each minute after that.
Clare - 32 - hairstylist with the dead dvd-making dad we met earlier. She comes out pretending to be pregnant. I’m not kidding. I thought maybe it would be a soccer ball under her dress but it appears to be a legit prosthetic pregnant stomach. Wow. Well you have to admire her game, everyone knows the way to man’s heart is through fake pregnancies!
Alli - 26 - Nanny. She shows up in cleats and plays soccer with Juan Pablo. Me gusta.
Amy J - 31 - Massage Therapist. Crazy bangs we met before! I am so excited, but she ends up just giggling a lot and trying to speak Spanish. It’s a letdown but I still have faith her crazy will shine through as the night goes on.
Renee - 32 - Real Estate Agent. Single mom we met before. She tells Juan Pablo she’s a “mommy” and I want to throw up.
Lauren H - 25 - Mineral Coordinator / Blakely #2 with the broken engagement we met earlier. Something tells me “Mineral Coordinator” means working at a skincare kiosk in the mall.
Maggie - 24 - Personal Banker. Southern belle who resembles the Bratz doll from a few seasons ago. She brings Juan Pablo a fishing hook since he is a “good catch.” Stop it.
Kelly - 27 - Dog Lover. Her profession is DOG LOVER, are you fucking kidding me? Does that mean from now on I can be a professional Wine Lover? She obviously brings her dog. With the amount of diseases contaminating the Bachelor house driveway I’m pretty sure this is animal abuse.
Lacy -25 - Nursing Home Owner / Angel we met before. Her good deeds have rewarded her a crazy rack. Go Lacy! She gives Juan Pablo some weird prescription pill gift so I’m thinking Lacy sounds even more fun to hang out with than I originally thought.
Alexis - 24 - Communications Director. She says she is from Tampa and Juan Pablo immediately tells her to go inside. Good call JP.
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Kylie - 23 - Interior Designer. Whoaaaa, someone has seen the Little Mermaid a few too many times. Her dress is the life size version of the one on the princess barbie I got my friend’s 3 year old for Christmas. This is the kind of person that goes to Disney World on their honeymoon.
 |
| Poor unfortunate soul. |
Sharleen - 29 - Opera Singer. I love her dress, but not her attitude. Juan Pablo seems instantly into her and she seems unimpressed. Do her eyes and ears not work? This chick is going to be a problem for me, I can tell you that right now.
Andi - 26 - Prosecutor we met before. She seems pretty cool and normal and I think she will be in the top 5 for sure. I also have her to thank for saving me from considering the ombre hair trend. That shit is not working.
Cocktail Party Time!
Oh god I’m already out of steam. I forgot how fucking long these episodes are and I will never stop complaining about it.
But on a positive note, this is quite possibly the best looking group of girls they have ever had. And Juan Pablo is proving to be a very good bachelor, being super nice and flirty with all of them. He put a photo booth in the house and started a dance party when he came in! Me gusta. Me gusta mucho. The thing I like most about the dance party is that these ladies are for sure going to get WASTED.
JP starts with alone time with Nikki who says she is a pediatric nurse and I am 100% positive he has no idea what she is talking about until she says “I’m a baby nurse.” Ohhh Juan Pablo, you and your and your limited English. Te amo.
Lucy/Leelee Sobieski acts like a crazy person putting her bare feet all over JP and obviously creeps him out. Then Crazy Amy steals him which was a wise move on her part - she will seem somewhat normal after Leelee. But then Amy proceeds to oil up her hands and give him a massage while he’s wearing a suit jacket. Yes, you read that right, she puts oil on his suit. So disregard whatever I just said about her not looking crazy, she is a wacko.
I am going to just go ahead and say that 27 is too many girls.
Aaaand we have our first crier of the night, not surprisingly Lauren/Blakely. She is slowly unraveling in front of our eyes because she hasn’t had one on one time with JP yet. Finally he sits down with her and Blakely #2 uses her time to tell him all about her broken engagement while sobbing and swearing she’s over it. Juan Pablo is visibly uncomfortable and I think we may have just gotten a taste of why her fiance called things off. Lauren, I hope you didn’t unpack.
Kylie looks like someone that was hanging out with Paris Hilton circa 2003.
Juan Pablo sits down with Sharleen, the Opera Singer with an attitude, and he can’t keep his pants on about how much he likes her dress. He tells her she has mundo which means she has the world. Now my pants are off. For some reason he is super into her even though she has the stiffest personality I have ever come across on a reality show. I think she may have gotten lost on her way to go bird watching and somehow ended up here. OMG then he gives her the first impression rose because she isn’t like the other girls. This is not a good sign. Sharleen responds by saying “sure” and telling the cameras that she doesn’t feel that much chemistry. I want to punch her.
Rose Ceremony
This is going to take like 4 hours with all these girls! The only thing worth mentioning that happens is Juan Pablo said “Kat” and crazy Ariel/Kylie thought he said her name and tries to take the rose and it is very embarrassing for everyone involved. It’s even more embarrassing when Kylie doesn’t get a rose at all and has to go home.
The other losers are:
Amy J, noooo! I didn’t get enough time with your bumper bangs and fully clothed oil massages. You will be sorely missed.
Blakely #2, for obvious reasons. If I were her family I would do a clean sweep of sharp objects in her house.
Christine - the girl that brought a bracelet for Camilla! Didn’t see that one coming. Juan Pablo is a worse father that we thought!
Ashley - sex phone operator. Chris Harrison must have orchestrated that because he missed his nightly chats.
That’s all she wrote! This season is going to be magical ladies and gent. Nos vemos la próxima semana, Adiós!
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