Willkommen in Deutschland!
This week the producers send Desiree and her men off to the next destination on their “Completely Random Mystery Tour” - you guessed it (probably not), Munich, Germany! Something tells me that a few of these guys are especially excited to try the German Sausage.
Mikey tells the cameras that he’s excited to be in Munich with Des since it’s such a nice city for romance. And murdering Jews. Then we hear from Kasey, who I’m now only referring to as Old Zack Efron, who tells the camera he will happily kiss Des in Germany. But he says it in German so it basically sounds like a death threat.
Chris Harrison shows up to explain the rules (again) wearing a terrible suede jacket that I can’t get over. But we do find out that this is the week for the 2 on 1 date which is very exciting! And the previews already spoiler alerted us that it’s Michael and Ben so it should be highly dramatic. Will Stacy be able to control his diabetes on a date with his crush and his biggest enemy without Claudia there? Find out in this Super Special - The Babysitters German Vacation!
The first date card comes and James reads it while wearing a very tiny scarf with a sweatshirt. Which reminds me - is American Apparel a sponsor of this show or something? Legit every single one of the guys is wearing the same sweatshirt in different colors. They look like they belong to a really douchey club. Anyways, it turns out that it’s Poetry Chris’ turn for an enchanting night of awkward silences and making out with kid mouth. Barf.
Chris’ Date
Des does a really good job of planning their romantic date - oh wait, nope, they’re just going to wander around Munich all afternoon. Ich bin gelangweilt! Google Translate is going to get a workout tonight.
Back at the hotel, Bryden picks up bitching where he left off last week. He officially decides he doesn’t like Des and wants to go home. Haha, awesome! These kind of shenanigans haven’t happened since Ashley’s season - you have to be a pretty bad Bachelorette for the guys to break up with you instead of visa versa. And Bryden apparently can’t even wait for Des to get home from her date to dump her and goes to crash it! That’s actually way harsher than I expected from him and I am now feeling unexpected pangs of sympathy for Des and I don’t like it. Make it stop.
Meanwhile, Des and Chris are shoving sausages in each other faces and trying on lederhosen and generally embarrassing America. Bryden might actually be doing them a favor by interrupting and halting this dorkiness.
So Bryden is wandering around the city (ala Sean in Prague on Emily’s season) pretending to not know where Des and Chris are shooting so he can dramatically leave the show. Like these camera crews don’t have cell phones and know where each other are. I’m sick of the producers thinking we as the audience are retarded. But anyways, Bryden steals Des from Chris and drops the bomb on her, and surprisingly Des seems like she could not give less of a fuck. Good for her! Ugh just kidding, spoke too soon - she starts crying. But she did just get dumped for the 2nd time on national television and this time by a guy with a Lloyd Christmas haircut, so I guess I can let this one slide. I would cry too.
I can’t wait to hear Chris’s inevitable poetry about this situation.
Back at the house the group date card arrives which has everyone’s name except for Michael’s and Ben’s, so they know they are the ones going on the 2 on 1 date. Michael has apparently blown out his perm today and is rocking a Kramer while telling the cameras his plans to murder Ben. What’s his plan of attack, inflicting an insulin overdose? This Super Special just turned into a Super Chiller!
Back on the date they head to dinner where Chris tells Des he wants to be in a relationship like that’s supposed to be surprising. Dude, this show ends with a proposal. You better want to be in a relationship. And omg he wrote her a poem! It’s called “Thoughts Are So True” and starts with “While I stand there watching you / You dress so perfect, you look so cute.” Wow. I wonder where he got this incredible gift for words - did he take poetry lessons from Kat in 10 Things I Hate About You?
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| I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you’re always right, I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close… not even a little bit…not even at all. |
Des cries over the beauty of the poem and Chris gets the rose, obvi. And in the natural progression of a Bachelorette episode, the evening ends with a private concert. Are you fucking kidding me, another one?!?! How many no name singer/songwriters are we going to be subjected to this season? If I wanted to watch this much awkward slow dancing I would just crash a Junior High Homecoming dance.
Group Date
The guys all meet Des on a snowy mountain and take a gondola up to the top. I must say the scenery here is majestic. However it happens to be ruined on my screen by Brooks’ Adidas jacket and highwater snowpants. I bet he skiis in his jeans too. How much do you want to bet when we get to a tropical location he rocks a t-shirt and Umbros.
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| Juan Pablo is seriously the only one that can walk and look hot at the same time. |
They come across a yodeler (as one does in Germany) and Juan Pablo gets his 10 seconds of screen time by pronouncing it “juggler.” He almost makes me cry he is so cute. Quieres casarte conmigo, Juan Pablo.
Wee they get to go sledding! It looks really fun until Des gets run over by gay face Drew, but luckily he weighs about 98 lbs so he did no damage. If he had crashed into Brooks though we would be needing an ambulance.
Back at the house the 2 on 1 date card officially arrives and Chris Harrison uses the same passive aggressive note he used last season! The date cards are always signed from Desiree except this one from Puppet Master that reads, once again, “Two guys, one rose, one stays, one goes - Chris.” Dude, CH, we know you get a huge boner over the 2 on 1 dates but that rhyme really isn’t that impressive. I mean, Poetry Chris could have written that which obviously isn’t saying much. Give it a rest.
Back on the group date the guys head to an awesome igloo. I want one! They have soft pretzels in there! Mikey however thinks it’s a good idea to take Des away from the awesome igloo that has snacks and blankets and out into the snow which really brings out his forehead acne. They make little snowmen and Des acts like it’s the most fun thing she has ever done in her entire life.
Zak interrupts them and takes Des for some alone time, where he tells her mountains mean a lot to him since he used to want to be a priest until he climbed a mountain and realized at the top that he definitely wasn’t meant to be a Holy Man. What in the hell kind of freaky, kinky shit happened on the top of that mountain?! I guess God only knows.
Since Ben isn’t on this date the guys have refocused their energy into randomly hating James. Wtf? These guys are the cattiest group of men I have ever seen. Leave James alone! He poses no threat to you, Des obviously isn’t going to marry that frat boy.
Somehow Brooks ends up with the rose on this date. Has Des forgotten what happened when he broke his finger? I still have nightmares about that. It’s becoming more and more apparent that Des is into pussies. So I guess she has even less in common with Drew than originally thought.
2 on 1 Date
YAY. Michael starts by calling this date Armageddon. He needs to relax. Stacy hates Ben so much it’s sad and actually kinda terrifying. Let me tell you how this works Michael - if you obsess over how another person on the show isn't there for the right reasons, then you might as well take the limo to the airport right now because your ass is getting sent home. It’s Bachelor Franchise 101. You know how else I can tell Michael is going home? He just said “Today Ben will be found guilty of fraud and impersonating a Southern Gentleman.” Even Judge Judy rolled her eyes at that one.
They meet up with Des and the awkwardness begins immediately. Des makes them think they are doing the polar bear plunge and I can tell right away this is a prank. So dumb. They get in terrible bathrobes and Michael is wearing the belt as a headband...seriously, there is no way he is a real lawyer.
As predicted the polar bear plunge was a joke and instead of jumping in ice cold water they get to go in a “Hot Tugg” which is a hot tub that is also a boat. Umm, that is fucking awesome. I will not rest until I have one.
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| Can I get a discount if I disinfect it myself? |
Back at the hotel the guys are all sitting around talking smack about James. Apparently he said that if he loses he plans to go back to Chicago and take girls out on his boat to “intimate settings.” That either sounds really juvenile or really rape-y, I can’t decide. But either way, the guys are all PMS-ing and freaking out about the possibility of any of them sleeping with other girls once they get kicked off. What? Why? That’s what this show is all about. Do you think Kalon and Augusta Ryan are just like home being celibate pining over Emily Maynard? Nope. Not at all. Don’t hate the playa, hate Chris Harrison for giving douchebags such an easy way to get to C list celebrity status and therefore get laid.
Back on the date the trio is at dinner where Stacy is trying to throw Haley Joel under the bus and it’s super weird. Michael looks like a crazy person and Ben is “finding it hard to be a good Christian.” The horror. Des stops the conversation and all of a sudden goes, “What family traditions or new traditions do you want to start with your family.” Oh my god - I knew this was a possibility but now it is confirmed - Des has a list of prepared questions with her on dates!!!! Wow, any faint illusion that I had of Des being able to carry a conversation is now shot to shit because she legit reads from a list. What a moron.
So anyways, this is the most awkward dinner in the world. Michael seems to think Des will break up with Ben if she finds out he didn’t go to church on Sunday? I’m sorry, is this the 700 Club? What am I watching? Ben leaves the table saying he needs to step away before he stops being polite (and starts getting REAL), but I think he really just isn’t good with comebacks and doesn’t know how to retaliate. Des follows him outside where he attempts to charm her pants off with talk of his son and his faith, but when she talks alone with Michael he tells her that Ben is only on the show to help his bar business. That doesn’t coincide with the rap Des lives her life by (Right reasons, right reasons, I’ll please a girl for all 4 seasons), so she does the unthinkable and gives the rose to Diabetes Michael. I can honestly say that I am shocked.
Ben is super pissed and storms off talking in a really quiet voice, like whisper yelling and it is the creepiest thing I have ever seen. Des runs after him and uses the dad card excuse for sending him home which really trumps everything and cannot be argued with. In the limo Ben turns into a weird mess who is trying too hard to be an asshole. I will not miss him. The bright side of Michael staying is that at least I can still make Babysitters Club jokes and because he says absurd things like “Today Ben will be found guilty of fraud and impersonation of a Southern Gentleman.”
Cocktail Party
The cocktail party and rose ceremony is in a huge castle, which is pretty sweet. Des arrives in a ball gown from the 90’s to sit down with Chris Harrison and tell him everything that happened this episode like he and us don’t already know. Absurd. All we find out is that Zak is apparently a good kisser which is horrifying, and that Des knows who she wants to send home and doesn’t need a cocktail party. Thank god. I’m out of wine and therefore have about 10 more minutes of watching this show left in me.
Rose Ceremony
The roses go to...
Zak - does weird sex things on mountains
Kasey - #OldZackEfron
Juan Pablo - mi amor. If he doesn’t get a 1 on 1 next week I’m not watching this show anymore.
Drew - gayface with an axe to grind with James. Or maybe just a grind with James would make him happy
James - wants to take ladies to intimate settings in the middle of the ocean
So that means Mikey is going home. Who cares.
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| See ya later crosseyed Claudia Kishi |
Next week - Auf Wiedersehen Deutschland, hola Barcelona! Juan Pablo - You better shine guapo. Ugh and apparently James cries and is annoying. See you then!
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