Greetings!
Chris Harrison shows up looking like he wandered on the set of Modern Family and stole one of Cam's shirts. Not a good look Puppet Master. He announces that this week is the beginning of their world tour, starting with...Atlantic City? Do they think these are the Jersey Housewives or something? If so I hope Caroline Manzo shows up, she would set Des straight real fast.
They get to AC and wait, it’s the winter? You’re telling me they left sunny California to go to the poor man’s Las Vegas in the cold?! I would be pissed! About the snow and the fact that Des is wearing a cable knit turtleneck sweater my mom had in the early 90’s.
Brad’s Date
The first date is for Brad, the Man with a Tan. (And a pesky little domestic violence charge, no bigs). They walk the boardwalk playing games and it actually looks like it would be really fun if it was about 40 degrees warmer and they were a lot less sober.
Back at the hotel Mikey tells the cameras he doesn't think Brad is the right guy for Des since Brad’s reserved and won't bring out the “fun side” of Des. Umm hes not a magician, Claudia. She got rid of the only guy that could possibly manufacture a fun side out of thin air the first night, his name was Nick and he was a suit salesman/magician.
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| Never forget. |
They pretend to sneak into a chocolate factory and Des has to point out that girls love chocolate. She must have read that in a Cathy comic. Seriously I hate that stereotype - of course girls like chocolate - who fucking doesn't like chocolate?! I also happen to have started a very intense diet today and I am starving and cranky, so watching Des stuff her face with that delicious looking chocolate pretzel makes me hate her even more. Fucking whore.
Whoa the guys back at the hotel are legit stalking Des and Brad's whole lives on the boardwalk (thanks Pauly d, we miss you) from the 30th floor. They seem to think a couple that rides a carousel together, stays together. What a bunch of losers.
Next Des and Brad go to the beach where the producers have set up a cuddle area in a professionally done sandcastle. We finally hear Brad talk and omg...he’s gay. I’m not even making fun - he’s just like, definitely gay. Which is fine but why would he come on the bachelorette? It doesn’t seem like he would enjoy fighting for the love of a woman while living in a house with 20 other single dudes...Whoa. I think what we have here is the true culprit of “not there for the right reasons.”
Anyways Brad and his beard move onto dinner and it is the most awkward thing I have ever seen. Brad doesn’t have much to say but Desiree is also uncomfortable being the lead in conversation which is a really bad quality in anyone, but especially THE BACHELORETTE. Producers, you will be hearing from me and my people. I have had enough.
Anyways, it comes as no shock when Des sends Brad home, using the classic breakup line of not wanting to keep him from his son. Brad doesn’t seem too broken up about it, probably because Desiree doesn’t have a penis.
Then they show a crew member taking Brad’s luggage from the hotel, and I notice that Drew looks especially sad about this. Next thing we know Brad is crying his eyes out in his exit interview, and I am convinced now that this sudden display of emotion has nothing to do with Des and her kid mouth and everything to do with Drew and his gayface.
Group Date
This is for everyone except James, so I guess it’s obvious he will be getting the remaining one on one date. Wtf...young Chris Christie, really? If I were Des then Juan Pablo would get every single solo date and the card would just read “Juan Pablo, let’s go have sex now.”
Anyways, on the group date we find out that they will be competing in a Mr. America pageant and I’m ashamed of how excited I am. Their pageant coach looks like Kenneth from 30 Rock and tells the guys that they all have to choose a talent to perform at the show. Right after he says this Juan Pablo just picks up a baton and starts twirling it like he’s been a majorette for the past 15 years. Haha, wtf?! But that’s not even the strange part...the strange part is how turned on I am by it. You twirl that baton, Juan Pablo. Twirl it. Lo torcer. Me gusta.
Meanwhile, Chris immediately puts on high heels. That’s what we like to call a Red Flag.
Next they announce that the pageant will be held in front of a live studio audience and Michael expresses concern that the crowd might throw tomatoes at them. Umm, this isn’t like vaudeville in 1915. No one will be throwing produce at you, asshole.
But seriously, how does one get tickets to these events?! Come on producers hook a sista up. And maybe throw in a dinner with Puppet Master and Neil Lane for good measure. Thankssss!
Oooo Chris Harrison is hosting this spectacle! I don’t know why that surprises me but nonetheless I am very pleased. He starts with the contestant interviews and it’s going smoothly until they get to Juan Pablo who says a quality he needs in a woman is that she loves his daughter. Whoa whoa whoa WHOA. How the fuck did I miss that he has a kid? He hypnotized me with his Latin charm into completely neglecting to notice the fact that he is a father! So I guess neglect is something we have in common. Whatever, I'm just going to pretend like he didn't say that for the rest of the season.
Now onto the talent portion of the competition. Kasey does a weird tap dance that involves a backstory and a lot of hip thrusting. It’s like if Magic Mike took place at the Special Olympics. Brooks continues his reign as the biggest pussy in America by playing a ukulele, Zak plays a stupid song, someone ribbon dances and there is basically a lot of shirtless men.
| Ummmmm. Look at Drew - 2nd from the left. Sleep with one eye open Zak. |
The winners are announced and Zak and Brooks, the douchebags who sang, get 2nd and 3rd place while Kasey and his tap dance routine win the whole damn thing. What the fuck - he was terrible! Juan Pablo can BATON, people. Are you all blind and deaf?! Anyways, Kasey freaks out like he actually won a real pageant, and this is when I notice that he has something going on with his mouth. My first inclination is inbred teeth but it’s too soon to say for sure...I believe a prolonged close up shot might be necessary to accurately diagnose the problem, but rest assured I will figure this out and report back when the results are in.
Cocktail Party
Des starts with Chris and they go in the pool together, where he shows her his “serious side” by reading her poetry he writes alone in coffee shops. Sooo, that means he not only writes poetry but brought it on the date. And then like put it in a safe place by the pool to access when he was ready. This, my friends, is what we call a Dealbreaker. Des makes out with him and it’s the stuff of nightmares.
Lloyd Christmas hates Haley Joel Osment. Whatever.
James is the only one not on the group date and uses his alone time to have a bubble bath while eating chocolate covered strawberries. I bet you think I’m kidding but I’m not.
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| This actually looks very similar to one of my weeknights. |
Oh god Zak busts out his guitar AGAIN to sing Des the rest of the song he wrote earlier. Did I hear a line about puppet fingers in there? And when did guys get this memo that girls love to listen to you sing lame songs you wrote like 4 inches from our faces? It is very uncomfortable, not to mention insanely lame and cheesy so please stop it. Zak, however, is pretty sure the song seals his rose status. And he is correct. God, Des is the worst.
James Date
Des starts by letting us know that this date is not going to be a typical glamorous date. Umm yea I think we could have guessed that. I’ve been watching this franchise for quite a while now and can safely say that the glamour days are gone. Next season they're just going to make everyone work at an Arby's the whole season instead of going on dates to pay ABC's electric bills. 26 people, picked to live in a decrepit mansion, forced to work at Arby’s, stop being single, and start finding LOVE. The Sad World.
Moving on. Their date is to get in a helicopter and fly over the Jersey shore to to see ruins from Hurricane Sandy. Umm...romantic? I mean this would be a great thing to do with a boyfriend but is suuuuch a downer on a first date. Maybe if they were volunteering it would be cooler, but instead they’re just looking at a horrible situation, which is pretty much the worst idea for a first date ever. It's like “Hey I think you’re really hot and would love to get to know you - want to go to the Holocaust museum?”
Once they land they do meet an adorable couple named Manny and Jan that had their house destroyed. They are amazing and I’m pretty sure these people should have their own show called "The Cutest Couple On The Planet Show." They decide to give Manny and Jan their fancy date in Atlantic City for the night so Des and James go on a low key cheap date instead at a dive bar. Des takes this opportunity the remind us that she grew up poor. Oh my fucking god we get it!!! The guys get it!!! America gets it!!! Enough! And stop saying that the best things in life are free - selling your soul to ABC for a year of vacations and to find a boyfriend was anything but “free.” Valtrex ain’t cheap.
But hey Des - you know what is free? Getting cheated on. Excellent timing to for James to drop the bomb that he cheated on his girlfriend of 5 years and wanted her back but she wouldn’t have it. Des says she has been cheated on too and I bet they want us to think that Des will dump James but let me tell you right now that she won’t. He will stay because he was honest and because Des is a complete idiot. Omg as I was typing that Des said exactly what I just wrote about him being a good catch because he’s honest! And that this is going to be a lasting relationship! I need to stop watching this show - I know too much.
We get to see Manny and Jan again and we find out that the Red Cross restored their wedding album that was ruined in the hurricane. Aw that was nice! Manny cries so I do too. Then of course Des and James crash their date to give them another surprise! I am almost positive they are going to tell them their house will be rebuilt but instead Hootie shows up and plays them a private concert. Worst surprise ever! The Blowfish aren't even there and this sweet old couple has no idea who the fuck Darius Rucker is.
Des gives the rose to Honest Abe.
Cocktail Party
Bryden has his bangs in a bunch and is saying that he might not accept a rose from Des since he didn’t get any alone time with her this week. What a baby.
Michael gets alone time with Des and has made flashcards...uh oh. It’s the letters of her name and it is so lame it makes my stomach hurt and I can’t discuss it further.
Rose Ceremony
And the roses go to...
Chris - poetry in the pool. Jesus.
Brooks - gross.
Juan Pablo - yessss. He better get a one on one next week
Drew - to console him after his lover Brad is gone
Michael - Stacy McGill / flashcards
Ben - Haley Joel
Kasey - ew
Bryden - he accepts. duh.
Mikey - Claudia meathead
Oh no this means my favorite guy Zack is going home! He never spoke but seemed really cool and normal. So actually I am happy about this as he is way too good for Des. His exit interview confirms my thoughts that he is not a tool. Zack - call me.
Next week - Juan Pablo strips naked and Kalon and Bentley join this season’s cast!
I wish. Next week they go to Germany (everyone knows Germany is the top romantic destination) and someone refers to it as Armageddon. Can't wait, see you then!
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