Hola!
We start tonight’s episode with Chris Harrison showing up in a silky pajama shirt to deliver the first date card. For some reason he thinks he needs to educate all the guys and us viewers on how the show works. He literally explains that there will be a rose on each date. Seriously? Obviously these guys know what’s going on and anyone who is wasting their Monday nights watching Desiree as a Bachelorette is doing it out of habit. No newbies here, sir.
So the first date is for...Brooks. Ew really? He talks like a woman and is super gross. Something is severely wrong with Des that Juan Pablo wasn’t her first choice. Juan Pablo es la mas sexy y Des es muy stupido.
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| Te amaré por siempre. |
Brooks Date
Des pulls up in her Barbie corvette in an outfit I would have thought was awesome in 9th grade. Being on the Bachelorette means they give you free clothes and you decide to go with a long tight tank top and boots over jeans, really? Somebody is clearly taking notes from the Bethenny Frankel style guide.
Des and Brooks drive off and I am really nervous for his hair in that convertible. A little breeze and that ‘doo could turn into a Bruce Jenner situation FAST.
The date Des has planned for them is to...omg...go to her bridal store and try on bride and groom outfits. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! This is batshit insane on a first date, much less before you are actually engaged and even then it’s pushing it. This is why I hate this show so much - in real life Brooks would be running for the hills, but since it’s tv and he is clearly crazy desperate he just smiles and takes pictures with her in wedding attire. Des even says she feels like they really are newlyweds! They have known each other for 12 hours now. I just can’t with this, it’s too much. Jesus take the wheel.
Next bride and groom Barbie from the island of misfit toys hop into the corvette and head to the Hollywood sign. Still in a wedding dress and tux, by the way. Of course the producers have blankets and pillows set up for them to cuddle on, but for the first time in Bachelor history I don’t see any champagne. What’s that about? They had champagne on Ben’s season before diving with sharks, but not for sitting on a hill? Shit ain’t right. It doesn’t matter though since apparently Des and Brooks don’t need any liquid courage to make out on camera. It’s totally disgusting and surprisingly I am more grossed out for Brooks that he has to kiss that kid mouth than I am for Des tonguing that womanly voice.
Finally it’s time for them to change into normal clothes and head to dinner, and once again Des refuses to let Brooks drive her Bentley. I am concerned for her that she seems to think it’s actually hers...guess what Des, that car is definitely being taken away from you at the end of this season and probably given to Neil Lane.
Anyways, they drive and there is a really stupid sequence where Des pretends to be lost and basically the producers think we are all idiots. They end up on a deserted bridge which any loyal fan knows is an exact replica of the date Kalon and Lindzi had on Bachelor Pad, but since its the Bachelorette and the budget is higher they added a chandelier and some uplighting. Clearly the producers think that since Des grew up in a tent they can really drop the ball on ambiance. Emily would have never stood for a dinner date on a bridge, that’s for damn sure.
Speaking of Des growing up in a tent, it’s only the 2nd episode and I’m already getting really sick of hearing about little she had as a kid. You were poor, WE GET IT.
So Des asks Brooks about his parents’ divorce and it’s clear he doesn't want to talk about it, but also knows that a sob story is a guaranteed rose so he decides to go with desperation and shares very personal family information with Desiree and America. It works of course and Des gives him a rose, which leads to Brooks saying that “this has been the most magical day.” Ew that is such a girly thing to say! Am I alone in wanting a guy that would never call anything “magical”? I honestly would rather date a guy that does magic than describes things as magic.
Ooo then the first Bachelor Band of the season makes an appearance! We get to see Des and Brooks awkwardly Saved By The Ball fast dance to songs no one knows on a deserted bridge covered by a very random Oriental rug. At least Brooks dances like a straight guy, I’ll give him that. They end the night by slow dancing and making out. I hate my life.
Group Date
There are way too many guys on this for me to list - pretty much everyone minus Brooks. Des shows up in a Herve Ledger for Target dress and announces that today they will be making their own rap video. I should be excited but I’m honestly just really nervous about the level of dorkery we are about to see. I know I will be very uncomfortable.
Holy shit Soulja Boy is there! What the fuck is going on with his career that he agreed to be on a Bachelorette group date?! Chris Harrison must have witnessed him doing something terrible, it’s the only explanation. Well Soulja Boy you are now in the good company of Neil Lane as someone who sold their soul to the Puppet Master and ABC primetime.
James look like a young Chris Christie.
I honestly have no idea what is going on. They are all putting on like village people costumes and it’s turning into the whitest, gayest rap video in the world. Soulja Boy I hope whatever the Bachelor producers paid you was worth more than your street cred. Wait a minute, did I just see...Hold on...Are they dressing up as past Bachelor contestants?! Omg I think they are - James is wearing a “Rated PG-13” shirt that is clearly a throwback to Rated R and did I hear Hashtag Kasey say that Brandon is supposed to be guarding and protecting hearts?! Well color me wrong this isn’t white and gay it’s hilarious and amazing! Best night ever.
Not sure who Ben is supposed to be but he dresses up in a full on cowboy outfit for this rap video which is weird. I also just realized he looks like a grown up Haley Joel Osment, so...there’s that. Des puts on her best denim vest and matching skirt to rap with him and I am very confused. She should have dressed up like a typical rap video girl in huge gold hoops and booty shorts, that would be have been way funnier, albeit slightly racist and possibly awkward in front of Soulja and token black man Will. So instead she tries to rap in a bikini while the guys do a choreographed dance and I am still entertained but disappointed.
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| I see desperate people. |
Cocktail Hour
The shirtless wonder Zak gets alone time with Des and tells the cameras he is really a sweet guy who only came out of the limo shirtless to poke fun at Sean Lowe. Umm, what? No one got that. But then he gives Des a gift of an antique journal which is actually one of the best presents I have ever seen. It’s really sweet and cool and I can’t make fun of it. Now I like the shirtless wonder! What is happening?? I feel defeated.
I was kind of liking Windsurfer Brandon before in the rap video because he was being laid back and funny, but then he has to go and say that Des is like “a butterfly you hold in your hand.” That is even worse than calling the night “magical.” He is dead to me.
Crosseyed Mikey sits down with Des and is talking to her about his close knit Italian family when Haley Joel Osment comes and steals her away. Young Chris Christie witnesses this and doesn't like what he sees, so he organizes a mob hit in the Bachelor house hallway.
Meanwhile Ben is charming the pants off Des by talking about his kid and it would be obvious to any woman less desperate that he is a sleaze. Des is totally falling for it though and I think she may be pregnant with his second child by the end of the night. They make out aggressively under a bear carcass/blanket, while the camera pans to Butterfly In The Hand Brandon watching them from the balcony perched like a gargoyle with a sly little smile on his face. What the fuck is this for real?
Back at the house the 2nd one on one date card arrives for Lloyd Christmas Bryden! He is a muffin so I am kind of excited to see how this goes.
Butterfly Brandon gets alone time with Des and uses it to tell her how little money he has and her eyes immediately glaze over. Hasn’t he heard her say over and over that this is her Cinderella story? Rags to RICHES, Brandon. Girlie wants a trust fund. Brandon catches onto this so he tells her about his drug addict mom and how he raised his siblings alone, making it impossible for Desiree to send him home without looking like a total bitch. Well played, Butterfly, well played.
But of course Des gives the rose of the night to Ben because she is an idiot. Does she not realize that JUAN PABLO is there! ¿Qué coño le pasa?
Bryden’s Date
They go on a road trip. And fly a kite. And talk a LOT about scenery and directions. It was crazy boring and I’m sorry I don’t have more to report but I was playing candy crush on my phone.
After the commercial break they head to dinner and I am out of candy crush lives so I am forced to pay attention. Bryden tells Des about a car accident he was in that left him with multiple broken bones and a collapsed lung. It’s a crazy story and I feel really bad for him until he pulls out pictures of the accident to show Des. What the - who does that?! I really liked Bryden but now I think he might be the weird guy that shows you photo evidence of his horrific car accident on a first date. Although I’m more understanding on the Lloyd Christmas haircut now that we know he had 20 staples in his head. That can certainly impair judgment enough to give yourself little bangs.
Des gives him a rose and they go in the hot tub together. I have never seen two people want to kiss each other so badly and not just do it - instead they just keep saying how great each other are and staring at each other and it’s super awkward. Finally Des addresses it and tells him to just make out with her, and his reaction is so bashful and cute that I decide that I love him. So I guess this means that a guy bringing horrific car accident photos on a first date isn’t a dealbreaker for me anymore. Wow. You learn something new about yourself every day.
Cocktail Hour
Desiree shows up wearing a dress that looks like if a mermaid joined the army.
Michael, the guy that looks like any one of Kelly’s boyfriends on 90210, finally gets some alone time with Des and tells her he has a really tough personal story to share with her. What could it be?! Did he get Val pregnant? Did he get a DUI on his way home from the Peach Pit After Dark? I am on the edge of my seat! But I shouldn’t be because his big news is that he has diabetes. So I guess I was wrong about him dating Kelly, he is way more of an Andrea Zuckerman boyfriend.
Uh oh here comes Haley Joel Osment! Ben swoops right in and steals Des away right when Michael is getting to the good part about his allowed sugar intake. He is officially so not 90210 and has now been downsized to Stacey McGill from the Babysitter’s Club. Ugh Des is SUCH a MaryAnn.
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| Stacey's different...and it's harder on her than anyone knows. |
So Stacey is very upset about Ben stealing MaryAnn and tells the rest of the club about it. Everyone gets worked up and Mikey decides to be a Claudia and totally yell at Ben for his bff. If that doesn’t sound masculine it’s because it wasn’t. Ben doesn’t give a shit and nothing happens.
Last and least Brian gets alone time with Des and uses it to look like a complete serial killer. And also kind of like a more sweaty version of Christina Applegate’s boyfriend in Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead, who’s name was weirdly also Brian. Hmm. Now I’m wondering if Don’t Tell Mom Brian’s hot dog van was also filled with the bodies of women who like to be supported financially.
Rose Ceremony
FINA-FUCKING-LY.
And the roses go to...
James - young Chris Christie
Kasey - #hashtag
Dan - who?! I have no idea who this is
Juan Pablo - mi amor
Brad - he is tan
Chris - scrabble and poetry!
Brian - american psycho
Zak - shirtless wonder who gives amazing presents
Drew - gayface #1
Mikey - crosseyed Claudia Kishi
Zack - phew! I love him but he gets zero screen time
Michael - Stacey McGill
Brandon - Butterfly with no money
So that means the guys going home are Will the token black man, a blonde man named Nick M. that I have never seen before, and Robert the ventriloquist. No big losses.
The previews for next week have someone’s girlfriend showing up; Haley Joel drama, and for some reason an ambulance is needed. Did Stacey get stressed out and eat a brownie? Tune in next week to find out!
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