Bachelor Sean: The Final Rose - I Gave My Rose To Jay Lowe

3 hours?! Are you fucking kidding me?? This means I will definitely be hungover tomorrow.

Ugh let’s get started.

We start with Chris Harrison in front of a live studio audience! What a treat. CH is really taking skinny ties to the next level tonight - it’s almost an anorexic tie. He keeps saying that this episode will go down in history and something happens that’s a Bachelor first. Omg, please let it be that AshLee is pregnant.

Sean’s whole family shows up. His niece and nephew are ADORABLE and apparently there to “help him pick out a girl”. Odd choice of words. The only thing his nephew says is “Emily didn’t pick you!” and I laugh out loud. I want to hang out with that kid all day every day. What a hoot.

Sean’s mom is not pumped about Sean proposing to either of these girls and I am willing to bet that her opinion won’t change after meeting them.

Catherine Meets The Parents

I wonder if Sean’s sister moonlights as a lead singer for an 80s cover band. Her hair and bangles say yes.

Sean’s dad looks like he owns his own homemade popcorn business.

This segment is very boring. Catherine is fun and cute so everyone seems to like her, especially Sean’s dad.  He tells her that if she marries Sean he will be her biggest fan and I am very embarrassed to say that I tear up.

Does Sean’s mom dye her eyebrows?

After Catherine leaves Sean says he says he could still see himself marrying either woman. Does he know what getting married means?

Lindsay Meets The Parents

Umm I just realized they are in Thailand. I thought Sean’s parents house was just like beautifully landscaped in an asian garden theme. I finally put 2 and 2 together once I saw the elephants in the backyard. Lindsay’s dumbness must be rubbing off on me.

Lindsay shows up next and seems to hit it off with his family at first but then it quickly turns into interview mode and is very awkward. But not as awkward as when Sean’s dad says they have been praying for Sean’s wife since the day he was born.

Sean’s dad is asking Lindsay the tough questions which means the producers are trying to throw us off. But then of course then he makes me cry again. Stop being so adorable Jay Lowe!

I also must note that Sean’s dad is wearing a fluorescent pink v-neck shirt under a bright blue button down. He is officially my new favorite person besides Chris Harrison. 

You are the cutest man. Please come over and make popcorn with me.

After Lindsay leaves Sean sits down with his mom and is kind of a dick to her. She is super sweet and southern and I feel bad that she has to watch her son make a bad decision like proposing to a stranger on television.

Lindsay’s Date

Sean shows up wearing an unflattering teal tank top and red shorts. He looks like Dr. Seuss.

He says he wants to explore and take a raft down the river. I was going to make fun of that but it actually looks really fun, albeit unstable. I am kind of hoping they capsize so I don’t have to keep listening to conversations like this:

Sean: My family loved you. I knew they would.
Lindsay: You don’t know, you couldn't know! I could have blown it.
Sean: You wouldn't blow it.

Then they giggle. Retards.

Lindsay asks Sean what he thinks they will look like when they’re old and Sean says he thinks she will be a hot old chic. Probably because her acne will finally be cleared up.

After their river ride they light lanterns with words like “Happiness” on them and watch them float away. If I had a dollar for every lantern that was set on fire on the Bachelor I would have $27.

I am loving the CH commentary after every commercial break! But I would love it a lot more though if he didn't keep reminding me that this is 3 hours long.

Catherine’s Date

Catherine shows up in a stupid polka dot shirt that makes her look even more Asian than usual.

Their date is to ride on an elephant and once again I’m jealous! That’s way better than the river ride! But is anyone else worried they are about to get trampled by that loose elephant? This seems very fun but also very unsafe. I don't know how I feel about them kicking the elephant in the ears to make it go different directions. Aren't there elephant reigns for that?

That elephant looks like he hates Sean as much as I do.

Now I know why this episode 3 hours long - they make us watch Sean and Catherine hug for a solid 2 minutes at the end of their date. Catherine finally tells Sean she loves him and Sean is super gross and just breathes on her for like 30 seconds before kissing her on the forehead. Catherine cries and says that she felt nothing back from Sean...is this foreshadowing or the producers fucking with us? My money is on the producers fucking with us.

The Final Rose...

Now Chris Harrison is interviewing the audience about who they think Sean is going to choose and both girls are wicked boring. For the love of god someone get me a ticket to one of these damn things!! I am pretty sure Chris Harrison and I would be best friends. With benefits.

Just when you thought they had run out of ways to make it look like Sean is starring in a Skinemax flick, they show him after a shower lotioning up. Seriously producers? Way to save the best for last.

Back in Thailand Neil Lane shows up to remind us that we are all suckers for not having his job. The rings he brings are predictably tacky, but Sean picks the least awful of the bunch and says he has decided he is ready to propose. Then he starts crying which is very unsettling and I’m waiting for him to short circuit.

After the commercial break CH is back with Lesley, Sara, AshLee and the Bratz Doll. Lesley thinks Sean is going to pick Catherine. Sara thinks he’s going to pick Lindsay. AshLee is dressed all in leather tonight and is about 2 months away from starring in a porno. She also thinks he’s going to pick Lindsay. No one cares what the Bratz Doll thinks.

They show the girls picking out their dresses and getting ready, and their gown choices are HORRIFYING. Like really, really bad. Lindsay looks like a child escort and Catherine looks like a drag queen.

I guess now we know what happened to all of Tierra's sparkles.

Sean’s about to dump someone and is shaking in his loafers. Pussy.

Wait - has CH been in Thailand this whole time? We haven’t seen him once but apparently he’s just been bumming around waiting to fulfill his duty of opening the car door for the loser.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...Best. Job. Ever. Anyways, the door opens and the person Sean is breaking up with is...

Lindsay! OH MY GOD. I seriously didn't see this one coming!  I am SHOCKED. When I saw the bottom of her silver dress I gasped out loud and almost dropped my wine! Almost.

Also, this confirms my intense bachelor knowledge that the controversy with Catherine was the producers throwing us off! Which is actually really sad and nothing to be proud of. No one should be this well versed in Bachelor producer antics. Now I’m ashamed.

Sean is sweating his face off. Why do they make Lindsay walk so far? She is in a jungle in high heels and they have her walk like ½ a mile to get dumped. Also, Sean is the worst breaker-upper in the WORLD. He just keeps going on and on to Lindsay about how awesome she is and you can see on her face that she is totally expecting a proposal. Poor girl.

I just realized Lindsay looks a lot like Sarah Michelle Gellar! If Buffy was enrolled at the Sylvan Learning Center.

I must say, Lindsay is handling this breakup exactly the same as I would. She is trying to keep her cool and keeps telling Sean it’s ok, then flips out a little, then hugs him. Then takes her heels off to walk back to the car. Been there, girl. Push him in the swamp and go party with Puppet Master.

Of course Lindsay loses it in the car back to the hotel and is talking gibberish. She sounds like a Furby with a broken heart

So right after Sean breaks up with Lindsay, CH sidles up and smugly tells him that he has a letter for him from Catherine. We are supposed to think that this is her breaking up with him, but once again my Bachelor knowledge is kicking in and I can pretty much guarantee you this note is nothing and completely pointless.

I KNEW IT! The letter just tells Sean how much she loves him. Sean proposes and Catherine says yes then gasps and I like to think it’s because she just realized that she has agreed to marry a virgin.

I give this couple 4 months.

They ride off into the sunset kicking an elephant’s ears.


3 hours proved to be a little too much for me so the After The Final Rose will be a separate post tomorrow. We find out who the new Bachelorette is! Fingers crossed for Selma!

Bachelor Sean: Women Tell All - Tierra's Sparkle Is Going To Give You The Stink Eye

Time for the Women Tell All episode!  Two straight hours of Chris Harrison putting on his Barbara Walters hat and asking the ladies the tough questions? Sign me UP. I would give anything to get the chance to be an audience member, but apparently they only allow overweight middle aged women. Someday....

Lookin sharp tonight CH, nice pocket square!

Omg, Chris Harrison and Sean are surprising Bachelor viewing parties and the girls are losing their minds! They automatically hug Sean which tells me these idiots clearly aren’t true Bachelor fans since they didn’t immediately muckel on to Puppet Master like a koala.

The last house they visit is a sorority house filled with young hot girls and Sean is being creepy as usual. He says that going there was amazing and changed his life. Probably because he will be paying for like 10 child support payments from now on.

Time to meet the ladies! All the “losers” (aka lucky to have made it out alive) are back and it’s shocking how many of them I do not remember. Who the fuck is Taryn?!  I’m excited to see Ashley P is there though, her drunken antics will make this show tolerable.

AshLee looks like exactly a blowup doll tonight.

The girls spend a lot of time shitting on Tierra and her sparkle which isn’t really fair since she isn’t there to defend herself. Brooke makes a good point that the other girls are jealous that Tierra’s drama got her more air time than them. I would give Brooke more credit for her comment if I could actually remember who the fuck she is.

Leslie says Tierra’s sparkle didn't sparkle that big and the moms in the audience laugh HYSTERICALLY. Now I understand how Two And A Half Men is still on the air.

Oh SNAP it’s time to bring out Tierra in her WetSeal dress and dented forehead. Homegirl is seriously delusional and talks about how she always brings a sparkle and joy to any room she walks into. She honestly thinks she is just misunderstood and the rest of the girls are mean and Chris Harrison is NOT buying it.

Tierra is painfully dumb and it’s kind of sad to watch. She doesn't know how to use her words. She has a huuuge ugly ring on her finger and is wicked sketchy about being engaged.  I seriously think she might be lying about that, and I hope she is since I want her to date Desiree’s brother. Talk about an asshole power couple!

Robin looks like shes trying to run for senator.

We have to watch Sarah’s whole story again which is heartbreaking. Aw Chris Harrison loves her!  Anyone Puppet Master likes, I like. She is beautiful and I'm glad Sean sent her home so she can meet her husband who is going to be awesome and actually has pigment in his eyebrows.

It’s Des’ turn in the hot seat and I have a very bad feeling that she is going to be the next Bachelorette. Yuck. Why isn’t Chris Harrison asking her about how her brother’s crack head like behavior got her sent home? what the fuck. Instead they are focusing on her feelings for Sean and she says she wants a relationship like her parents’ since they have such a great marraige. If you ask me they are taking for richer or for poorer a little too seriously. I don’t care how great my husband is, if he asks me to live in a tent I’m contacting a divorce lawyer.

It’s AshLee’s turn and I would be willing to bet she has already moved to LA. She’s got the distinct “I’m on a reality show and have lived in L.A. for 3 months” trying too hard vibe going on. Or maybe she has just been hanging out with Kacie B. I do however, believe her when she says that Sean was leading her on BIG TIME. I didn’t know virgins could be such scoundrels. You learn something new every day.

They bring Sean out and he is NOT COMFORTABLE.  AshLee drops a bomb that he said that he had no feelings for the other women not once but TWICE and it’s super awkward and he is blinking like he just got pepper sprayed.

The only redeeming thing about this show is that they show us bloopers which happen to be number two on my list of favorite things right behind napping.  

Well that was uneventful. See you next week for the finale! My money is on Lindsay. God, their kids are going to be so dumb.

Bachelor Sean: Episode Nine - No Sex In The Fantasy Suite

Ok, this was a rough week. B moved and K was on a business trip, so only one of us even lounged and watched this episode. I couldn't get my act together to write a whole post so I'm doing a major cop out and just posting the notes I took while I watched it.  We promise to make up for this with a stellar recap of the Women Tell All and of course the Final Rose. Apologies!!

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We start with a recap of all the girls and then get to see Sean swimming because no episode would be complete without at least one shot of him alone, shirtless, and wet.

Ooo they are in Thailand! Thats sweet

Lindsay

They go to a really gross meat market.  Omg baby chicks dyed bright colors! That would be cute if they weren't about to be fried and put on a stick.

Sean says he wants to test Lindsay. Of fucking course. He makes her eat a bug.

Lindsay says she thought about not eating it but then she saw how brave Sean was...umm I think she considered not eating it but then remembered Selma. You don’t turn down a Sean challenge if you want a chance to dry hump in the fantasy suite.

Lindsay always sounds drunk to me. I think she’s on prescription pills or something.  

Sean tells Lindsay she’s the best friend he’s been looking for. Isn’t that a bad thing? I feel like a guy telling me he wants to be best friends means he probably just wants to play video games fully clothed together and skip the fantasy suite.

They go to a crazy lit up Thai land?  It’s like someone decorated PF Changs for Christmas.

Sean and Lindsay are perfect since they are both such doofuses. They just talk nonsense to each other. Sean is being pretty open about the fact that he is totally proposing to her. Its is fucking crazy that bride Lindsay is winning this whole damn thing.

Right when Lindsay is about to say I love you creepy dancers come out of nowhere.  Somewhere Chris Harrison is laughing evilly and putting his bets on Catherine.

Wouldn't it be funny if the fantasy suite card came with a condom?

Sean says that from the beginning all he’s wanted is someone funny and compassionate who could be his best friend.  Sean if I didn’t hate you with a passion I might be your perfect match.

Lindsay finally tells Sean she loves him after about a bottle of wine and half a bottle of champagne. She talks without fully closing her mouth and you can ALWAYS see her teeth and it annoys me.  She better be careful...Sean got rid of Amanda after her jaw injury, once he notices those teeth she might be out

AshLee

Omg again with the challenges!  Sean says he wants to get AshLee out of her comfort zone and is going to make her swim through a cave.  Don’t worry Ash you’ll be right back in your comfort zone at the end of this season when Sean abandons you.

This cave looks like my nightmare.  I saw The Descent.  All I can think about is how much I admire Selma right now.

Swimming in the pitch black???? Omg. NO NO NO NO. I would have a panic attack. This is not fun to watch it is very upsetting.

I am fairly certain we are watching them have sex in the water.  There was a makeout that looked like it involved some suspicious thrusting.

They come out from the cave to a gorgeous private beach and just make out in the water for a couple hours. Snooze.

Next they go to dinner in a hut and I must admit AshLee looks really good with straight hair. They talk about how much they like each other for a while then head to the fantasy suite to “stay up all night and talk.” I would make a joke if I didn’t think that’s exactly what these two prudes were doing.

Catherine

Did Catherine drink about 5 redbulls and take some ecstasy before going to meet Sean?  Settle down.

Catherine says she got mad at her sisters. Thank god! Those girls were the worst.  

They make out in the rain.  Jesus.

Next they go to dinner and I’m getting really sick of Sean explaining his intentions. We all know what your intentions are you bible thumping horndog.

Hahahaahah I didn’t realize the fantasy suite cards were signed by Chris Harrison!!!  Amazing. How much do you think I can get an authentic one for on ebay???

Catherine says that she’s used to being made fun of but not in a mean way, just that she’s fat and eats too much....seriously, where is she from?!?!  Talk about a hard knock life.

Omg. Chris Harrison out of nowhere!!!  He is doing a paid promotion for Oz the great and powerful?? What is happening???

Sean sits down with CH to talk about who he is sending home and really doesn't seem authentic when he says its going to be hard. I’m thinking its AshLee?

Oh god each woman has made Sean a video message. I thought the show was almost over and now I have to watch this?

Does Lindsay have a hickey in her video? Her voice is making my ears bleed.

Catherine was fun and AshLee cried.

Final Rose

Whoa Ash is bringing the girls out tonight. For someone so religious with abandonment issues she sure abandoned her God-given boobs pretty easily.

It is comical how long the producers are drawing out the final rose.

AshLee is going home!!  I knew it. Omg she is so mad!!! She doesn’t cry in front of Sean though which is really admirable of her. She doesn’t even really lose it in the cab home, but she pretty much sums up why she is going home  - she says this wasn't a game to her or about laughter and having fun, and Sean has said all along he wants someone to goof around with all day. Ash, just be thankful you will be living a prank-free life from here on out. When God closes a door he opens a window that doesn’t look out onto a born-again albino Ashton Kutcher. It’s a blessing.

Next week women tell all!! This is the BEST. Be excited!