Ugh let’s get started.
We start with Chris Harrison in front of a live studio audience! What a treat. CH is really taking skinny ties to the next level tonight - it’s almost an anorexic tie. He keeps saying that this episode will go down in history and something happens that’s a Bachelor first. Omg, please let it be that AshLee is pregnant.
Sean’s whole family shows up. His niece and nephew are ADORABLE and apparently there to “help him pick out a girl”. Odd choice of words. The only thing his nephew says is “Emily didn’t pick you!” and I laugh out loud. I want to hang out with that kid all day every day. What a hoot.
Sean’s mom is not pumped about Sean proposing to either of these girls and I am willing to bet that her opinion won’t change after meeting them.
Catherine Meets The Parents
I wonder if Sean’s sister moonlights as a lead singer for an 80s cover band. Her hair and bangles say yes.
Sean’s dad looks like he owns his own homemade popcorn business.
This segment is very boring. Catherine is fun and cute so everyone seems to like her, especially Sean’s dad. He tells her that if she marries Sean he will be her biggest fan and I am very embarrassed to say that I tear up.
Does Sean’s mom dye her eyebrows?
After Catherine leaves Sean says he says he could still see himself marrying either woman. Does he know what getting married means?
Lindsay Meets The Parents
Umm I just realized they are in Thailand. I thought Sean’s parents house was just like beautifully landscaped in an asian garden theme. I finally put 2 and 2 together once I saw the elephants in the backyard. Lindsay’s dumbness must be rubbing off on me.
Lindsay shows up next and seems to hit it off with his family at first but then it quickly turns into interview mode and is very awkward. But not as awkward as when Sean’s dad says they have been praying for Sean’s wife since the day he was born.
Sean’s dad is asking Lindsay the tough questions which means the producers are trying to throw us off. But then of course then he makes me cry again. Stop being so adorable Jay Lowe!
I also must note that Sean’s dad is wearing a fluorescent pink v-neck shirt under a bright blue button down. He is officially my new favorite person besides Chris Harrison.
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| You are the cutest man. Please come over and make popcorn with me. |
After Lindsay leaves Sean sits down with his mom and is kind of a dick to her. She is super sweet and southern and I feel bad that she has to watch her son make a bad decision like proposing to a stranger on television.
Lindsay’s Date
Sean shows up wearing an unflattering teal tank top and red shorts. He looks like Dr. Seuss.
He says he wants to explore and take a raft down the river. I was going to make fun of that but it actually looks really fun, albeit unstable. I am kind of hoping they capsize so I don’t have to keep listening to conversations like this:
Sean: My family loved you. I knew they would.
Lindsay: You don’t know, you couldn't know! I could have blown it.
Sean: You wouldn't blow it.
Then they giggle. Retards.
Lindsay asks Sean what he thinks they will look like when they’re old and Sean says he thinks she will be a hot old chic. Probably because her acne will finally be cleared up.
After their river ride they light lanterns with words like “Happiness” on them and watch them float away. If I had a dollar for every lantern that was set on fire on the Bachelor I would have $27.
I am loving the CH commentary after every commercial break! But I would love it a lot more though if he didn't keep reminding me that this is 3 hours long.
Catherine’s Date
Catherine shows up in a stupid polka dot shirt that makes her look even more Asian than usual.
Their date is to ride on an elephant and once again I’m jealous! That’s way better than the river ride! But is anyone else worried they are about to get trampled by that loose elephant? This seems very fun but also very unsafe. I don't know how I feel about them kicking the elephant in the ears to make it go different directions. Aren't there elephant reigns for that?
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| That elephant looks like he hates Sean as much as I do. |
Now I know why this episode 3 hours long - they make us watch Sean and Catherine hug for a solid 2 minutes at the end of their date. Catherine finally tells Sean she loves him and Sean is super gross and just breathes on her for like 30 seconds before kissing her on the forehead. Catherine cries and says that she felt nothing back from Sean...is this foreshadowing or the producers fucking with us? My money is on the producers fucking with us.
The Final Rose...
Now Chris Harrison is interviewing the audience about who they think Sean is going to choose and both girls are wicked boring. For the love of god someone get me a ticket to one of these damn things!! I am pretty sure Chris Harrison and I would be best friends. With benefits.
Just when you thought they had run out of ways to make it look like Sean is starring in a Skinemax flick, they show him after a shower lotioning up. Seriously producers? Way to save the best for last.
Back in Thailand Neil Lane shows up to remind us that we are all suckers for not having his job. The rings he brings are predictably tacky, but Sean picks the least awful of the bunch and says he has decided he is ready to propose. Then he starts crying which is very unsettling and I’m waiting for him to short circuit.
After the commercial break CH is back with Lesley, Sara, AshLee and the Bratz Doll. Lesley thinks Sean is going to pick Catherine. Sara thinks he’s going to pick Lindsay. AshLee is dressed all in leather tonight and is about 2 months away from starring in a porno. She also thinks he’s going to pick Lindsay. No one cares what the Bratz Doll thinks.
They show the girls picking out their dresses and getting ready, and their gown choices are HORRIFYING. Like really, really bad. Lindsay looks like a child escort and Catherine looks like a drag queen.
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| I guess now we know what happened to all of Tierra's sparkles. |
Sean’s about to dump someone and is shaking in his loafers. Pussy.
Wait - has CH been in Thailand this whole time? We haven’t seen him once but apparently he’s just been bumming around waiting to fulfill his duty of opening the car door for the loser. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...Best. Job. Ever. Anyways, the door opens and the person Sean is breaking up with is...
Lindsay! OH MY GOD. I seriously didn't see this one coming! I am SHOCKED. When I saw the bottom of her silver dress I gasped out loud and almost dropped my wine! Almost.
Also, this confirms my intense bachelor knowledge that the controversy with Catherine was the producers throwing us off! Which is actually really sad and nothing to be proud of. No one should be this well versed in Bachelor producer antics. Now I’m ashamed.
Sean is sweating his face off. Why do they make Lindsay walk so far? She is in a jungle in high heels and they have her walk like ½ a mile to get dumped. Also, Sean is the worst breaker-upper in the WORLD. He just keeps going on and on to Lindsay about how awesome she is and you can see on her face that she is totally expecting a proposal. Poor girl.
I just realized Lindsay looks a lot like Sarah Michelle Gellar! If Buffy was enrolled at the Sylvan Learning Center.
I must say, Lindsay is handling this breakup exactly the same as I would. She is trying to keep her cool and keeps telling Sean it’s ok, then flips out a little, then hugs him. Then takes her heels off to walk back to the car. Been there, girl. Push him in the swamp and go party with Puppet Master.
Of course Lindsay loses it in the car back to the hotel and is talking gibberish. She sounds like a Furby with a broken heart
So right after Sean breaks up with Lindsay, CH sidles up and smugly tells him that he has a letter for him from Catherine. We are supposed to think that this is her breaking up with him, but once again my Bachelor knowledge is kicking in and I can pretty much guarantee you this note is nothing and completely pointless.
I KNEW IT! The letter just tells Sean how much she loves him. Sean proposes and Catherine says yes then gasps and I like to think it’s because she just realized that she has agreed to marry a virgin.
I give this couple 4 months.
They ride off into the sunset kicking an elephant’s ears.
3 hours proved to be a little too much for me so the After The Final Rose will be a separate post tomorrow. We find out who the new Bachelorette is! Fingers crossed for Selma!
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