Well tonight’s the night - shocking conclusion time in the live television event of the summer! Pretty easy to make that claim when the only other shows on this time of year are Mistresses and Devious Maids.
Yay there’s a live audience! Nothing makes me happier than the reaction shots of the crazy cat ladies that get tickets to these things. But even better - this also means extra Chris Harrison time! Who happens to be dressed tonight like Zack Morris going on a job interview. Sorry CH, The Max isn’t hiring.
Showtime!
We pick up where we left off last episode, at the end of the movie Beaches. Des seems like she has not stopped crying for 48 hours but she puts on a brave face, Real Housewives of O.C. silk maxi, and a hand-me-down necklace from Countess Luann to sit down with Chris Harrison. They devote about 10 minutes to heartbreak chatter before she finally mentions Chris and Drew. She seriously talks about them without any emotion and it’s clear that she pretty much hates them both. CH is too hungover to be a proper psychiatrist today so he just nods along with serious face.
Next the producers have a rose ceremony for Des and the people she’s not in love with. She starts by basically asking them if they want to break up with her too - nice show of confidence, Des, way to keep them on their toes. Then she hands out pity roses to Drew and Chris, which she does while sobbing and letting them know that Brooks leaving will have no effect on them. Except of course the love-less marriage one of them will be entering into, obviously.
Ooo now it’s time for Bachelor Nation to put in their two cents back in the studio with Puppet Master! WHY AREN’T I THERE?! I have so much to say! Mainly - where the fuck is Juan Pablo?!
Bachelor Nation member #1 has a bit of an eyeliner application problem. BN#2 is clearly drunk and “high on Chris.” You’d have to be high on something to wear that table cloth skirt. They all think Brooks is going to come back and that there’s no way Des ends up alone. Duh, the producers would never let that fly - no one wants to see the Bachelorette walk off into the sunset solo to begin her life with her cats and terrible artwork. Let her do that on her own time, not on our television screens.
Drew’s Date
Date time! Des really loves midriff tops, and she shows her commitment to them by wearing one while riding a horse.
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| That takes talent and 0% body fat. |
Des and Drew ride their horses to a nice beach and Des immediately makes it clear that she is not into Drew. She tells the cameras that her lack of feelings for him are so strong that they are affecting her ability to enjoy the view! What a shame - if that’s not a reason to break up with someone on vacation then I don’t know what is.
Here come the waterworks. Des breaks up with Drew and does him the biggest favor of his life. Drew is shocked, although he doesn’t cry which is nice. Once again - Drew does something more masculine than Brooks. He does seem upset though, poor little guy.
Des says that she feels bad that she can’t love Drew the way he needs to be loved. Well, I mean, it’s kind of ridiculous to feel bad that you weren't born with a penis, Des. That’s just out of your control. Drew says he is “confused” - we’ve been waiting for you to realize that, buddy.
Drew heads home and I hope this doesn't mean that he is the next Bachelor. I mean he’s a muffin, don’t get me wrong, but I’m just about out of closeted gay man jokes. I don’t think I could make it through another season.
Chris’ Date
Next Des goes on an actual date with Chris and decides to not send him home and they get to drink on a catamaran instead. This date is boring and Des spends the whole time convincing us that she loves Chris. Not buying it. Although I will say that she SHOULD be in love with Chris, he’s perfect for her. SUCH a dork.
Just as I was falling asleep Des reminds us that Chris has to meet her family. That means her brother Nate is there! YES! Now I am wishing that this was longer than 3 hours. I can’t get enough of that convict.
So anyways it’s decided that Chris should go to meet Des’ family in their treehouse or teepee or wherever the fuck they live. Then Chris gives Des a journal...wtf Zak already did this! And I didn’t say anything but their catamaran date was done exactly before too. This whole season is like Groundhog Day with less laughs and more tears.
Chris has written all his poems in the journal. Kill me now.
Can Brooks please show up and stir things up a bit? This is so goddamn boring. Only Des could take what promised to be the most eventful season finale in Bachelorette history and make it less appealing that watching a pile of horse shit collect flies.
Back at the Studio...
Back to Bachelor Nation! Des’ “friends” - kid sis, bratz doll, and new addition Lindsay are there along with the “happy” couple Sean and Catherine. They haven’t picked a wedding date yet...shocking. The other three have nothing productive to bring to the table and are clearly only there to catch a glimpse of Juan Pablo.
Des' Family
Now back in Antigua it’s time for Chris to meet the parents and her sweet brother Nate, who is appropriately wearing stripes like a 1940’s prisoner. The parents stay silent while Nate jumps right in and asks Chris why Des should choose him and if he ever had 2nd thoughts about her. Chris is obviously shitting his pants and overcompensating for his nerves by gesturing with his hands wildly. Smooth. You look like a fucking air traffic controller.
What do you think Nate’s blood alcohol content is right now? How many times do you think he repeated the 8th grade?
Chris sits down with Des’ dad and I can see where she gets her kid mouth from. Chris then asks for his permission to marry Des, and...I have to admit that I am kind of all about Chris right now. Is that embarrassing? He’s a really good guy and cuter than I thought he was. I’m in no way interested in him for myself, but I see the appeal.
After Chris leaves Des sits down with her brother. She is so visibly uncomfortable around him it’s hilarious. Nate is television gold - he should be the next bachelor! ABC could definitely save some money with that season - all of the dates would be at the shooting range or romantic dinners at Hooters followed by a joyride in his souped up Kia Sonata.
Anyways, Nate is worried about Des being hurt by Brooks. Des does admit to having her heart broken, and if I were Brooks this is the moment that I would promptly enter into the witness protection program. Unless he wants to be the reason for Nate’s new teardrop tattoo.
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| Don't mess with a man with a faux hawk and "Forever" tattoo |
*Umm. I just found Nate's twitter account. I could write a entirely separate blog post on this - there is too much to say. He has a picture of himself in a wife beater baking a cake at 1am. Priceless. @nate_hartsock83 if you want to kill a few hours and be joyful.
Neil Lane time!
He has clearly either been enjoying his tropical vacation in Antigua or falling for Joe Gorga’s Sizzle Tan marketing campaign. Homeboy is leathery. Anyways, Neil pretends to care about what Chris has to say for a few minutes and then lets him walk away with the ugliest ring on the table. There are diamond ropes involved and I am positive poetry will be engraved. Des will love it.
Where is Brooks? Time is running out! If he doesn’t show up soon I’m going to have to face the reality of this being the worst Bachelorette finale EVER and that I just wasted 3 hours of my life that I will never get back.
Engagement Ceremony
Des should be really mad at whoever taught her how to do eye makeup. She’s at like Tranny Level 10 at all times of the day or night. Also that dress not fit her! Why would they let her wear that?! At least stuff a couple of mangos in the top to fill it out. I have clearly had too much wine. That’s what you get when this shit is 3 HOURS.
Chris seems really nervous getting out of the limo. How awesome would be if he changed his mind?? Of course that doesn’t happen though and we have to listen to the longest proposal speech ever. He starts with saying that when he met her he was down on one knee and now he’s not kidding...I didn’t know what that meant until I remembered when he first met Des he made that lame joke about getting on one knee and then asking if he could tie his shoe. Jesus Christ who knew that dweebazoid would win this whole damn thing.
This proposal makes me want to barf. Chris recounts all the things they've done together (which is like 7 things) and says that her eyes light up when he reads her poetry. Des says that she was blindsided by her feelings for Brooks and that because of him she couldn't see what was right in front of her. Hmm...kinda just sounds like you want to marry whatever is in front of you, to me.
They get engaged.
Dear ABC, I hate you.
