Bachelorette Desiree: Episode Eight - Mascots and Chiropractors and Duggars, Oh My!

Greetings!

It’s the week we have all been waiting for - Hometown Dates! I am so excited, but also saddened that this is the one episode of the season that doesn’t start out with Chris Harrison. I miss ya buddy.

Zak’s House

We start off in Dallas with Zak, who waits for Des while he is drawing in a gazebo. Ugh, he looks like a pussy with that sketch book. I can’t get over it until Des shows up and steals the hate thunder by wearing a cropped teal leather jacket with matching stud earrings and eyeshadow.

Zak starts telling Des about a dream he had about them and he seriously sounds special. Something about sand melting and then eating it? Wtf? Also, there is nothing more annoying than having someone tell you about their dream. It didn’t really happen and therefore no one cares. It’s even more annoying when that person is as enthusiastic about their lame dream as Zak is. You better pull it together Zak or my new favorite is going to be Poetry Chris. I can’t believe I just said that. I hate this season.

Zak tells Des he will be right back and runs off, including a jump over a fence that is so amazing I had to videotape it for you:

Zak don’t worry you're still on my good side you crazy acrobat.

So anyways, Zak comes back driving a snow cone machine. What? His family owns a snow cone business? Was this supposed to tie into the melted sand dream? Are there a bunch of kids running up to this? How did he get all those kids’ parents to agree to this? Is he making Des work out of a food truck now? Is Zak dressed up in a penguin mascot costume? Did Des really just kiss him with that on? Is Chris officially my new favorite? Am I really drunk right now? So many questions. All of the answers are yes.

Apparently me and Billy Madison have a lot in common.

Next they close up the snow cone shop and roll up to his parents house where we meet Zak’s family and now I get where his “specialness” comes from. I’m pretty sure this whole crew is on about one pound of cocaine each, mixed with prozac and fairy dust. Jesus Christ just watching these people makes me tired.

Zak’s mom looks like if the mom from Home Improvement and Lynn Spears had a baby in the bathroom at prom. Lady is cray. However, Zak’s dad is a silver fox and his brother and sister are both hot, so clearly Zak got his Quasimodo looks from his mom. Or as my roommate so perfectly said - “Zak’s face looks like someone threw a bag of teeth into his mouth.” Hahaha. Aww poor guy.

Des appears to be drinking a dark and stormy out of a red wine glass. Classy. She sits down with Zak’s sister Carly which isn't notable except for the fact that she has a mannequin in her room styled in a white silk camisole, pink jacket, and faux fur vest. Congratulations Carly on your acceptance to the University of Phoenix fashion program!

Uh oh...Zak just whipped out a guitar and they’re going to do a family sing along! NOOOO. End this date NOW. I am so uncomfortable I can’t watch. Imagine dating someone and the first time you meet his family his siblings sing at you. Des of course cries and eats this shit up with a snow cone spoon, that psycho.

Finally Zak and Des sit in the backyard and I can’t help but notice a cauldron in the background. Zak tells her he has something to give to her, then whips out a diamond ring and tells her he loves her. Gross. Des doesn’t seem too enthused so things aren’t looking good for Penguin Zak.

Drew’s House

Next we visit Drew in Scottsdale and this entire date was just too much for me. Drew is just like, 100% homosexual. There is no doubt about it and it’s actually just sad that he's in such denial. Just be gay, Drew! You are hot and really sweet and could have any guy you want. Live your life, girl!

Some highlights:

- Des arrives wearing a shirt the same color as thick old lady stockings and Drew tells her she looks “adorable”

- Drew tells his family about how he felt the moment he met Desiree and says he was stammering and nervous since she was wearing such a beautiful dress.

- He tells Des he loves her and it is the least romantic thing I have ever seen. Its exactly how I drunkenly say I love you to my best friends. “Omg, I just love you soo much! Its like crazy how much I love you. I never get sick of you! Want to lay in my bed and order food and watch a Lifetime Movie Marathon?” The last sentence he didn't say but he was thinking it.

Chris’ House

Next we head to McMinnville, Oregon to hang with Chris. He waits for Des while picking wildflowers in a forest. Kill me now. Des shows up wearing a tank top and cardigan that are the same length - Jesus Christ, stop it Des! That looks stupid and it’s the 2nd time this episode you've pulled that shit! And what the fuck do you have on your feet?? Did Bratz doll Jackie leave behind some sketchers swag when she came to visit? They look like dinner rolls. You have a stylist and a clothing allowance! Gahhhh!!!!

So anyways. First they head to a baseball diamond where Chris makes Des play catch and it’s super boring. Then apparently Desiree gets confused about who goes with what lame shtick because she whips out a sketch pad where she has a bunch of crappy drawings chronicling their time together. Hello? Zak is sketch pads, Chris is poetry. It can’t be that hard to keep straight. P.S. her drawings are horrifically bad.

You spelled "rendezvous" wrong, Des. Fucking idiot.

The best part about being on the Bachelorette is not having to clean up after your picnics.

They go to Chris’s house and meet his fam. Des tells a story about jumping into the ocean and hurting her back, so Chris’ dad thinks that since he’s a chiropractor it would be completely normal to wrap his meat hook hands all over Des in his creepy dungeon office. He even puts on a white doctor’s coat for the occasion and I am getting some serious beginning of the Hand That Rocks The Cradle vibes. Good thing they have that camera crew there. Then Chris thinks that it’s a good time to have a heart to heart with his dad while he jams balloons up Chris’ nose for a “nose adjustment” while we have to watch his face covered in boogers. While they super casually talk about his feelings for Des. Disgusting. That’s something you can’t unsee.

Chris’ mom took the day off from being an extra on Designing Women to sit down and get to know Des. She doesn't seem too into the whole process and gives Des a little bit of a hard time which is nice to see.

Chris’ sister is busta busted and also kind of a bitch.

I really miss Chris Harrison right now. Where is he? I bet he’s whoring around LA having a blast while we have to watch this bullshit.  The rest of this date is so boring it’s not worth recapping except that Chris tells Des that he loves her. Blech.

Brooks’ House

Next we go to Utah to see Brooks’ hometown of Salt Lake City. Brooks is wearing cropped tight jeans and I throw up in my mouth. They have a picnic in the park and crack open a bottle of wine, which I’m pretty sure is a big no-no in Utah. Reasons why I could never visit Utah: 1) Brooks 2) not pro alcohol.*

*Exception and reason I would visit Utah: Jef Holm.

Brooks is telling Des that right now he likes her, but he’s concerned since he doesn’t have more time to get to know her. What a mature and realistic point of view. Fineeee, Brooks gets ONE point.

OMG Des has written out all of her favorite moments with Brooks which is super lame to begin with, but even more so since the list has been folded into a rose, Jr High note style. She even starts writing in the corner so all the words form a triangle. Seriously Des? Act your age not your mouth. One of the memories on the list is when Brooks broke his finger because he was “so adorable” even though he was in so much pain. I wouldn't exactly call a grown man passing out from pain and having to be hooked up to an oxygen tank from a broken finger “adorable.” I would call it something more like “manhood stripping pathetic,” but it’s pretty obvious by now that Des and I don't see eye to eye on most things.

Of course like 10 of these memories are about the fucking clouds.

Next they abandon the picnic to go to Brooks’ house where we find out he is a Duggar. He has like 18 siblings and all of them are wearing nametags! They give her a huge group hug which looks fun on tv but was probably horrible for Des in real life. I thought this date would be exciting but nothing else really happens except that Brooks wears a fucking cardigan and lies to his mom about liking Desiree.

Back in LA...

Those hometowns were very disappointing. Luckily it’s time for Des’ brother / professional life ruiner Nate to stop by. Yessss!!! He’s the only man I’ve seen in the past 2 hours.

Des and Nate talk about the best day of my life when Nate met Sean Lowe and destroyed his sister’s chance at albino prank love. Nate has no regrets about it - haha this loose cannon could steal the show! Listening to Nate talk, I keep expecting Dan and Roseanne Connor to jump up from behind the couch. He is super classy.

You could cut the tension with a knife. Like the one in Nate's sock.
Or the one in his back pocket, or the one in his hand right now.

Whoaaa, Nate’s fingernails are unnacceptable.

Their meeting is comically short and you can tell Des hates / is terrified of him and the producers made this interaction happen. Her brother sounds like someone handed him an index card with what to say on it. Which was pointless since obviously Nate can’t read. Just kidding Nate please don’t kill me.

Chris Harrison Time!

Des put on a sassy sequined dress from Charlotte Russe to sit down with Puppet Master and talk about the hometowns. She says that she wants Brooks or Chris to propose. Brooks is the only one that hasnt said he loves her so my prediction of Chris winning is lookin good!

CH meets the guys at the hotel and walks them to the rose ceremony. It’s a weird segment that they don’t usually show and I am confused until we see little Nate murderously lurking behind a pillar in the lobby! What a gem. I knew he was trouble when he walked in...

Rose Ceremony

This will take us down to 3 which means next week will be fantasy suite time! Even though Zak is ridiculous I hope she lets Drew go so he can spread his butterfly wings all over some dick. And the roses go to...

Brooks

Chris

Drew!

What is WRONG with Des’ gaydar?! This is crazy. Poor Zak is the only one that I think really liked her! Now he has to take back his cubic zirconia promise ring and head home alone to drown his sorrows in spray tans and snow cones. See ya on the Pad, brotha.

Oooo next week is the Men Tell All! We get to see Juan Pablo again! Estoy tan emocionada de ver a continuación! Adios!

Bachelorette Desiree - Episode Seven: A Walk On Cloud Nine Atlas With A Chance Of Meatballs

Oh hi.

This week the group is in Madeira which is a really pretty island off the coast of Spain. There are only 4 guys left and not a single one of them is interesting.

I still haven't gotten over the loss of Juan Pablo. I feel like we never really got to know him and that makes me muy triste. But in order to get through this season I need to root for someone so I have chosen Zak, since in a shocking twist he has turned out to be least douchey.

Drew says “if you can't fall in love in a place like this you better check your pulse.” Sadly this kind of statement is nothing new. What is with the insistence of Bachelor franchise stars to credit location with falling in love?

OMG Des invited “friends” from last season! We’ve got Catherine (the most boring bachelor Sean’s fiance), kid sister Leslie, and I shit you not - Bratz Doll Jackie. Who’s holding down the fort at Skechers?! Their reunion includes a lot of squealing and talking about “much needed girl time.” Barf. Catherine gets us up to speed on her relationship with Sean and says that she wanted a best friend and he wanted a best friend and thats what they are to each other. Translation: They are not having sex and will be broken up within 3 months.

Oops apparently there are 5 guys left. That’s how little I care - I have lost the will to count to five.

The girls ask Des the hard hitting questions about the guys - best kisser, most athletic, best eyes...and biggest dick? Haha I have missed Catherine, that firecracker. Des says she think the biggest dick belongs to Chris, so ladies and gentlemen we have the winner of this season. She also says he’s the most athletic, so if you didn’t think his big alleged dick was enough then that should really lock it down for you. Seriously, there is no need to watch any further. Chris wins. If I am wrong I will pay each of you $5. (just kidding)

Brooks Date

Brooks gets the first date and I am not excited.  Des clearly found a 5-7-9 on the island of Madeira and put together a slammin outfit.  She drives Brooks up a mountain and does anyone else have a problem with the fact that Des is always the driver? I feel like driving is kind of a masculine activity, no? Not that girls shouldn’t get behind the wheel but if I were Des it would be very important to me to make sure the guy I might end up engaged to doesn't drive like a pussy. Which Brooks most certainly does. How much do you want to bet if his hands were on the wheel they would be at 10 and 2?

They drive out to a ridge on top of the mountain and are literally in the clouds. It’s cool until the “cloud nine” and “walking on clouds” puns get out of control and I really want them both to fall over the cliff. Bring back Juan Pablo! I would seriously watch 10 hours of Juan Pablo trying to pronounce “yodeler” over one more second of Brooks on my screen. Their date consists pretty much of them talking about how cool the date is and also how they need to figure out if they love or like each other. This is their 2nd date. Their first date was spent entirely in wedding attire. These two desperados are a match made in crazy heaven.

Jump! The clouds will catch you!

Ugh then Brooks says that things are easy with Des since he doesn't have to stress about if he can put his hand on her leg in the car. This leads Des to say that she can see him as her husband. I can’t. I just can’t anymore.

The cloud comments won’t stop! “It feels good to be lost on cloud 9 with you.” - Brooks, talking in what sounds like Third Eye Blind lyrics. My roommate just said that we should have made a game to drink every time someone said “cloud.” That would have been fun but I seriously would have been passed out on my keyboard by now.

Meanwhile at the house we find out that Poetry Slam Chris gets the next one on one date. I swear to god if he makes us listen to his Jr High poetry again I am going to scream.

Back on Brooks’ date they are at dinner where he asks Des if she has thought of adjectives to describe the differences between like and love. Was this a homework assignment or something? What kind of question is that? Anyways, I am pretty sure Des does not know what an adjective is because she says the stages of dating are “walking, skipping, jogging, running and then the finish line.” Four verbs and a noun...someone obviously didn’t play enough MadLibs.

Brooks asks her what stage she’s in now and Des says she is running. Brooks then tells the cameras that he’s not there yet. Rut roh.

They finish the date outside and we see that Des’ skirt is from Express - are you fucking kidding me?! You’re on television not going to a high school dance.  Also have these two never seen fireworks before? Keep your pants on.

Chris’ Date

Des shows up for her date with Poetry Slam in a dress that looks like she got on clearance at Rainbow. The guys watch them leave from their balcony and freak out about Chris holding Des’ hand. How are these men real.

Their date is to go on a siiiick yacht and I am very jealous. They just chill and drink and it looks like best day ever. Back at the house Michael gets the last 1 on 1 date card. Looks like we are in for a long night of diabetes facts and legal jargon.

Next Chris and Des have lunch on an island and of course PS announces that they are going to write a message in a bottle, only the message will be a poem written by both of them. Oh god. It starts with “Experiences we share together keep the memories close to heart.” I want to jump out of a window. Des’ brother is going to kick this guys ass if he makes it to meet her family.

After I throw up the contents of my stomach, we move on to the dinner portion of the evening where I decide Chris isn’t really as bad as I thought he was. He’s kinda nice and normal. I mean he writes way too much poetry and is planning on telling Des he loves her so he obviously needs help, but he’s harmless and somewhat normal for Bachelorette standards. Wait...oh god...is he reading her another poem? No no no no no no no. Ahhhh it’s long! At the end he says I love you, they make out and I puke some more. Here’s a poem for Des:

You ruined my favorite show

I wish you were more of a hoe

You’re boring as hell and it makes me want to yell

FUCK YOU BRING JUAN PABLO BACK!

Ok so that didn’t rhyme as well as their poetry did but I think I got my point across.

Michael’s Date

Des does her signature move and plans nothing. This date is to “walk around town.” In past seasons the “explore with no plan” date happens once, mayyyybe twice. I dont know whats going on this season that the producers are allowing such normal dates but I don't like it. I miss the days of getting drunk before performing death defying stunts followed by a candlelit dinner in a human sized snowglobe.

Michael’s clothes on this date at least prove that he is definitely not gay...homeboy’s outfit is AWFUL. Green plaid shirt and dark khakis - he might as well be wearing a visor. They walk around the town (obvi) and then take a weird straw toboggan down a huge hill where Des makes the most terrible noise I have ever heard. It’s a weird giggle woo yell and I had to mute my tv until it was over.

It's a shame you can't see his belt buckle cell phone clip and Tivas.

Later at dinner they talk about Michael’s dad not being around and we find out that they don’t talk to each other anymore because he wouldn't help pay for his hospital visits for his diabetes. Yea, Edward McGill was always kind of a dick.

The date ends with Michael talks about getting his heart broken. I think? I was on the phone and not paying attention. I thought about rewinding but then decided I really don't care and neither should you.

Two on One Date

The producers are doing a piss poor job of trying to shake things up by having a 2nd two on one date with Zak and Drew. It’s extra stupid because there is a rose, but whoever doesn’t get one doesn't have to go home, so there is no point.

They go go-karting and of course Drew turns it into a metaphor about the speed and rush of falling in love. Jesus take the wheel.

Zak wins the race, yay! This means he gets the first alone time with Des. He brought a sketchbook...with sketches chronicling their time together that look like they were done by a 5 year old...but its ok because its funny! I hope Zak realizes how many of my beliefs I am compromising by allowing him to be my new favorite.

The flirting that is happening between Des and Drew....I have no words. The only person more uncomfortable than Drew is the American public forced to watch this. Drew ends up talking a lot of game about Des meeting his family and I have a terrible feeling he’s going to get the rose over Zak.

I was going to only have one glass of wine tonight but after watching Des and Drew make out I need another. I was pouring right as Des gave the rose to Drew - perfect timing since they showed a glimpse of Zak when he didn’t get the rose and it made my heart hurt a little. I need alcohol to drown my sorrow. What is happening to me?!

Rose Ceremony

No cocktail again due to budget cuts and a super lame bachelorette.

Chris Harrison finally shows up! Has he been in Madeira this whole time?? Seriously, how do I get his job. He looks like he smoked a few joints with the locals today. I love him.

Des tells Puppet Master that shes in love with Brooks! What?! This has never happened before. I thought it was a rule that they couldn't say that before the end...? This leads me to believe that the producers are orchestrating a situation where Brooks leaves voluntarily and breaks her heart. The foreshadowing for this already happened when he said he wasn’t yet at the “running” verb of their “relationship.” Brooks will choose to leave next episode, mark my words. If that happens you all have to give me $5 because that is a ballsy prediction that will be awesome if I’m right. Shake on it? Yes? Ok!

Whoa, two seconds later she says she is falling in love with Chris too. I didn’t know your heart could also be a whore.

And the roses go to...

Brooks

Chris

Zak

This meeting of the Babysitter’s Club has now come to an end because Stacy McGill is headed back to Stonybrook. He holds it together pretty well until he calls his mom from the limo, who is so sweet he goes into diabetic shock.

Next week - Hometown Dates! This will be the best episode of the season. Be excited. Des’s crazy brother shows up! He is terrifying and Brooks will probably crap his pants as soon as he sees him. Can’t wait see you then!!!

Bachelorette Desiree - Episode Six: Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Soaking

Sorry for the late post! Vacation set us back. Episode 8 will be posted tomorrow so check back!



Hola Barcelona! This episode better have some solid QT with mi amor Juan Pablo.

We start with the guys enjoying some cervezas outside when Chris Harrison shows up wearing what I believe is a moss green corduroy or possibly velvet blazer with a date card for gayface Drew. He also makes sure to dramatically announce that once again there will not be a cocktail party this week. Stop acting like that’s a surprise! This is the third week in a row where there hasn’t been a cocktail party - apparently Des has something again cocktails? If I were the bachelorette my main focus would be implementing more cocktails in the mix, not cutting them out completely. God, she is the opposite of fun.

Drew’s Date

If I could plan Drew’s dream date it would be getting facials then shopping for tank tops and matching shorts. But unfortunately his dreams don’t come true and he has to wander aimlessly around Barcelona with Des, who has a vagina and no interest in luxury spas or designers. This must be his nightmare.

Drew starts by forcing himself to make out with Des and it reminds me exactly of the time I made out with my openly gay friend in college. It was quick and we uncontrollably giggled after, and thats pretty much exactly what happens here with Drew and Des too.

Drew and Des get tapas where he tells her that his dad was an alcoholic and he cries. Can you not get on this show without some sort of childhood trauma? Is that a requirement? Oh god his dad has cancer too. I’m an asshole.

Ok, am I being nitpicky or has anyone else noticed the shitty quality of Des’ clothes? I wasn’t going to say anything about that cardigan she was wearing at the beginning of the episode that looks like it came from Big Lots, but now the tank top she has on is clearly falling apart. Poor Drew must be dying to get her a new one with some matching shorts. But seriously, I know they get a ton of money for clothes for this show so someone please explain to me where the fuck that money went? CH’s gambling debts? Neil Lane? Both?

Anyways, they continue their shitty date by walking around more and Des tells us that Barcelona brings out her artistic romantic side. Ugh I bet she already has her next button collage planned. She can call it “JP’s Mom in Barcelona.”

Next they move onto dinner where Drew says that his emotions are running crazy so he steals her to “get away from the cameras” and go make out in an alley. Keep in mind we are watching the whole thing so the cameras are there so I’m not really sure what the fucking point of that gross makeout was.

Back at the hotel it’s group date card time! It’s for everyone except Zak. Are you fucking kidding me? Why is Juan Pablo not getting a solo date? They are in Spain for Christ’s sake! Side note - I just googled Juan Pablo and not only does he have a daughter, he was born in Ithaca and is Venezuelan. I am just going to keep pretending that he is a childless Spaniard. The one fact about him that actually does align with my fantasy is that he was a pro soccer player. Hot hot hot. Then we find out that their group date is going to be playing soccer so maybe Des does actually know what she’s doing...    

Back on the world’s most sexually confused date Desiree tells Drew all of his good qualities that incidentally also describe a housecat. She gives him a rose and then Drew puts on his gossip shoes and tattles on James for saying that if he makes it in the top 4 he is possibly going to be the next Bachelor. What, are they not allowed to say that? Why do you think these people go on this show, to find love? Fuck that - they want to be the next bachelor and hit the fantasy suite with a bunch of other hot famewhores. But Des is pissed and this whole thing is retarded.

Group Date

Juan Pablo day has arrived! The men pull up to the soccer field and Brooks immediately makes a weird joke about Des wearing workout lingerie and then laughs really creepily. What the fuck is he talking about? I hope he gets nailed in the balls.

What is with Michael and the headbands?? He is constantly wrapping a piece of cloth around his head like he’s Khloe Kardashian. Does he think they’re cool because he got them at Bloomingdales visiting his dad in NYC? Does he hide his insulin shots in them? Am I making too many Stacy McGill references?

Juan Pablo warming up on the field makes me need alone time. I am actually creeping myself ogling him on my tv. Que es un hombre guapo.

Look at those arms. That profile. The disgusted way
he is looking at Des. He's perfect!

So Des announces that the men are going to play against her and her own team which the guys all assume will be professionals. They are right - but the surprise is that they are a women’s professional team. The reaction from the men when they see the girls’ team sets the feminist movement back about 40 years. Kasey is laughing wicked hard and everyone keeps making really annoying comments about how embarrassing it would be to get beat by a girl. So of course the girls team beats the guys by a landslide despite Juan Pablo’s best efforts. And James’ lack of effort as a goalie. Was that for real? He literally didn’t move and was scared of the ball. Should have had Drew as the goalie - he loves grabbing balls.

I’m over it. On to the drinking portion of this date. They go to a cocktail hour in a cool building and James is very sweaty. Kasey aka Old Zack Efron spends his time plotting how he is going to confront James about wanting to be the Bachelor. Kasey is such a pussy.

Des has some alone time with Chris and starts by telling him that he’s very athletic and could be good at any activity she told him to do. This is a great compliment and also 150% not true. Chris sucks at everything, especially poetry. Oh no...the poetry won’t stop! The tables have turned and Des has written a poem for Chris now. I’m so embarrassed I can’t even write about this. I will say that Des is not good at reading out loud which makes it even harder to watch.

Old Zack Efron, Stacy McGill, and Poetry Chris sit James down to talk about his realistic viewpoints on life going on after being on this show. This is seriously all about James saying “If I am in the final four this puts me in a very good position to be the next Bachelor.” And also talking about meeting girls in Chicago and taking them to “intimate settings.” Kasey describes this as “shocking.”

Brooks talks to Des about how much he wants to “soak her up” and tells her to not worry if she catches him staring at her, because hes just soaking. Oh my god. Shoot me in the fucking face.

Back at the The View, James denies saying anything about being the next Bachelor and tells Michael its ridiculous that he even has an opinion since he hasn't been on a 1 on 1 date. That’s actually a good point, settle down Stacy. Michael reacts by accusing James of only talking that way when the cameras weren't on and James fires back with “Yea, when you jacked off last night you made sure the cameras weren't on too.” Best. Comeback. Ever. Michael looks guilty, and James looks like he actually knows that Stacy jacked off last night. HAHAHAHAHA.

Kasey sits down with Des and reiterates the whole James story, so Des decides to have all the guys leave while she stays to talk to James. A ridiculous conversation happens between Des and James that involves James blaming everything on Mikey and both parties crying. After all that crying all that ends up happening is Des says she needs the night to think about it and James goes back to the house. So stupid. Dumbest fight in Bachelor history.

Back at the house the guys are all filling Drew in on the dramz with James and Des. These guys act more like girls than girls do. Drew listens to everything then asks very seriously if they think James will turn violent. Well, we can only hope. If he does Brooks is the first in the hospital in a coma from a hangnail.

Zak’s Date

Des is waiting for Zak by sitting and sketching. God, they always have to remind us that she’s an “artist.”  

Their date is to go to an art class and Zak no joke draws Des with poop smears all over her face. I feel like he did that on purpose and it’s hilarious. I laughed out loud. Whoa, do I like Zak? Side note - Des’ drawing sucks.

If the mouth was more kid-like I'd say that's pretty accurate.

Suddenly a “model” that looks a lot like the gay son from Wedding Crashers walks in and poses in the buff. WHY couldn’t this have happened on the date with Drew? This is the best bachelorette date so far. So many great things are happening. Next Zak comes out to pose for Des and no one thinks he is actually going to pose nude and he doesn’t - he has tighty whities on (barf) and a tiny blurred out spot. Tiny. But at least he’s fun!

They go to dinner in a really cool basement. Theres tons of wine down there and Zak says that’s why he likes it and omg I think he might be my soulmate. They have a good conversation and I’m liking it until we find out Zak is a slow kisser and also talks during making out. Those things make me sick.

Des gives him a rose. Zak is a dark horse in this competition, I actually think he might win. I bet it will come down to Zak and Chris, which is INSANE but whatever. This season is a joke.

Back at the hotel...

James comes to talk alone with Drew and Drew is shaking in his boots.  I’m not even listening - this is all just stuff we have heard before and its getting old. Also, it doesn't make sense...why do these guys all want the other guys to be in love with Des? Doesn't that just up the competition? And it’s not like Drew or James would ever marry Des anyways - James because he wants groupies and Drew because she doesn’t have a penis.

Michael calls James toxic, evil, and sinister. So basically wanting to be the Bachelor makes you a Disney villian.

Des decides to kick James off and meets with him to talk. James talks like a politician (young Chris Christie!) and tells Des that he's there to fall in love with her and thinks she’s a beautiful person. Des says she thinks he's sincere and then she cries again and decides to keep him until the rose ceremony! I can’t with this storyline any longer. Kick him off or keep him, but lets get on with it either way.

Also, James has serious boob sweat.

Rose Ceremony

3 people are going home! This is big. The roses go to...

Chris - poetry slam

Brooks - pussy

Michael - Stacy McGill??!!?!

What? NOOOOO. What the fuck? Juan Pablo is going home? Are you kidding me? I seriously am not watching this bullshit anymore. Juan Pablo cries and my heart is seriously broken! I HATE YOU DES you heartless whore. Maldita perra tonta ¿cómo pudiste hacer eso a mi hermosa Juan Pablo i nunca olvidaré este te odio!

Oh yeah, James goes home too. Who cares. See ya on the Jersey Shore.

In even less exciting news, Kasey goes home as well. If they make “17 Again: Part 2” he might have somewhat of a career. Otherwise, see ya on Bachelor Pad OZE.

Next week they go to the island of Madeira in Portugal which I will not be watching because I officially give up on this shit-tastic season.

Just kidding. Maybe.