Bachelorette Desiree - Episode Two: The Babysitters Club Is Now In Session

Hola!

We start tonight’s episode with Chris Harrison showing up in a silky pajama shirt to deliver the first date card. For some reason he thinks he needs to educate all the guys and us viewers on how the show works. He literally explains that there will be a rose on each date. Seriously? Obviously these guys know what’s going on and anyone who is wasting their Monday nights watching Desiree as a Bachelorette is doing it out of habit. No newbies here, sir.

So the first date is for...Brooks. Ew really? He talks like a woman and is super gross. Something is severely wrong with Des that Juan Pablo wasn’t her first choice. Juan Pablo es la mas sexy y Des es muy stupido.

Te amaré por siempre.

Brooks Date

Des pulls up in her Barbie corvette in an outfit I would have thought was awesome in 9th grade. Being on the Bachelorette means they give you free clothes and you decide to go with a long tight tank top and boots over jeans, really? Somebody is clearly taking notes from the Bethenny Frankel style guide.

Des and Brooks drive off and I am really nervous for his hair in that convertible. A little breeze and that ‘doo could turn into a Bruce Jenner situation FAST.

The date Des has planned for them is to...omg...go to her bridal store and try on bride and groom outfits. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!  This is batshit insane on a first date, much less before you are actually engaged and even then it’s pushing it. This is why I hate this show so much - in real life Brooks would be running for the hills, but since it’s tv and he is clearly crazy desperate he just smiles and takes pictures with her in wedding attire. Des even says she feels like they really are newlyweds! They have known each other for 12 hours now. I just can’t with this, it’s too much. Jesus take the wheel.

Next bride and groom Barbie from the island of misfit toys hop into the corvette and head to the Hollywood sign. Still in a wedding dress and tux, by the way. Of course the producers have blankets and pillows set up for them to cuddle on, but for the first time in Bachelor history I don’t see any champagne. What’s that about? They had champagne on Ben’s season before diving with sharks, but not for sitting on a hill? Shit ain’t right.  It doesn’t matter though since apparently Des and Brooks don’t need any liquid courage to make out on camera. It’s totally disgusting and surprisingly I am more grossed out for Brooks that he has to kiss that kid mouth than I am for Des tonguing that womanly voice.

Finally it’s time for them to change into normal clothes and head to dinner, and once again Des refuses to let Brooks drive her Bentley. I am concerned for her that she seems to think it’s actually hers...guess what Des, that car is definitely being taken away from you at the end of this season and probably given to Neil Lane.

Anyways, they drive and there is a really stupid sequence where Des pretends to be lost and basically the producers think we are all idiots. They end up on a deserted bridge which any loyal fan knows is an exact replica of the date Kalon and Lindzi had on Bachelor Pad, but since its the Bachelorette and the budget is higher they added a chandelier and some uplighting. Clearly the producers think that since Des grew up in a tent they can really drop the ball on ambiance. Emily would have never stood for a dinner date on a bridge, that’s for damn sure.

Speaking of Des growing up in a tent, it’s only the 2nd episode and I’m already getting really sick of hearing about little she had as a kid. You were poor, WE GET IT.

So Des asks Brooks about his parents’ divorce and it’s clear he doesn't want to talk about it, but also knows that a sob story is a guaranteed rose so he decides to go with desperation and shares very personal family information with Desiree and America. It works of course and Des gives him a rose, which leads to Brooks saying that “this has been the most magical day.” Ew that is such a girly thing to say! Am I alone in wanting a guy that would never call anything “magical”? I honestly would rather date a guy that does magic than describes things as magic.

Ooo then the first Bachelor Band of the season makes an appearance! We get to see Des and Brooks awkwardly Saved By The Ball fast dance to songs no one knows on a deserted bridge covered by a very random Oriental rug. At least Brooks dances like a straight guy, I’ll give him that. They end the night by slow dancing and making out. I hate my life.

Group Date

There are way too many guys on this for me to list - pretty much everyone minus Brooks. Des shows up in a Herve Ledger for Target dress and announces that today they will be making their own rap video. I should be excited but I’m honestly just really nervous about the level of dorkery we are about to see. I know I will be very uncomfortable.

Holy shit Soulja Boy is there! What the fuck is going on with his career that he agreed to be on a Bachelorette group date?! Chris Harrison must have witnessed him doing something terrible, it’s the only explanation. Well Soulja Boy you are now in the good company of Neil Lane as someone who sold their soul to the Puppet Master and ABC primetime.

James look like a young Chris Christie.

I honestly have no idea what is going on. They are all putting on like village people costumes and it’s turning into the whitest, gayest rap video in the world. Soulja Boy I hope whatever the Bachelor producers paid you was worth more than your street cred. Wait a minute, did I just see...Hold on...Are they dressing up as past Bachelor contestants?!  Omg I think they are - James is wearing a “Rated PG-13” shirt that is clearly a throwback to Rated R and did I hear Hashtag Kasey say that Brandon is supposed to be guarding and protecting hearts?! Well color me wrong this isn’t white and gay it’s hilarious and amazing! Best night ever.

Not sure who Ben is supposed to be but he dresses up in a full on cowboy outfit for this rap video which is weird. I also just realized he looks like a grown up Haley Joel Osment, so...there’s that. Des puts on her best denim vest and matching skirt to rap with him and I am very confused. She should have dressed up like a typical rap video girl in huge gold hoops and booty shorts, that would be have been way funnier, albeit slightly racist and possibly awkward in front of Soulja and token black man Will. So instead she tries to rap in a bikini while the guys do a choreographed dance and I am still entertained but disappointed.

I see desperate people.

Cocktail Hour

The shirtless wonder Zak gets alone time with Des and tells the cameras he is really a sweet guy who only came out of the limo shirtless to poke fun at Sean Lowe. Umm, what? No one got that. But then he gives Des a gift of an antique journal which is actually one of the best presents I have ever seen. It’s really sweet and cool and I can’t make fun of it. Now I like the shirtless wonder! What is happening?? I feel defeated.

I was kind of liking Windsurfer Brandon before in the rap video because he was being laid back and funny, but then he has to go and say that Des is like “a butterfly you hold in your hand.” That is even worse than calling the night “magical.” He is dead to me.

Crosseyed Mikey sits down with Des and is talking to her about his close knit Italian family when Haley Joel Osment comes and steals her away. Young Chris Christie witnesses this and doesn't like what he sees, so he organizes a mob hit in the Bachelor house hallway.

Meanwhile Ben is charming the pants off Des by talking about his kid and it would be obvious to any woman less desperate that he is a sleaze. Des is totally falling for it though and I think she may be pregnant with his second child by the end of the night. They make out aggressively under a bear carcass/blanket, while the camera pans to Butterfly In The Hand Brandon watching them from the balcony perched like a gargoyle with a sly little smile on his face. What the fuck is this for real?

Back at the house the 2nd one on one date card arrives for Lloyd Christmas Bryden! He is a muffin so I am kind of excited to see how this goes.

Butterfly Brandon gets alone time with Des and uses it to tell her how little money he has and her eyes immediately glaze over. Hasn’t he heard her say over and over that this is her Cinderella story? Rags to RICHES, Brandon. Girlie wants a trust fund. Brandon catches onto this so he tells her about his drug addict mom and how he raised his siblings alone, making it impossible for Desiree to send him home without looking like a total bitch. Well played, Butterfly, well played.

But of course Des gives the rose of the night to Ben because she is an idiot.  Does she not realize that JUAN PABLO is there! ¿Qué coño le pasa?

Bryden’s Date

They go on a road trip. And fly a kite. And talk a LOT about scenery and directions. It was crazy boring and I’m sorry I don’t have more to report but I was playing candy crush on my phone.

After the commercial break they head to dinner and I am out of candy crush lives so I am forced to pay attention. Bryden tells Des about a car accident he was in that left him with multiple broken bones and a collapsed lung. It’s a crazy story and I feel really bad for him until he pulls out pictures of the accident to show Des. What the - who does that?! I really liked Bryden but now I think he might be the weird guy that shows you photo evidence of his horrific car accident on a first date. Although I’m more understanding on the Lloyd Christmas haircut now that we know he had 20 staples in his head. That can certainly impair judgment enough to give yourself little bangs.

Des gives him a rose and they go in the hot tub together. I have never seen two people want to kiss each other so badly and not just do it - instead they just keep saying how great each other are and staring at each other and it’s super awkward. Finally Des addresses it and tells him to just make out with her, and his reaction is so bashful and cute that I decide that I love him. So I guess this means that a guy bringing horrific car accident photos on a first date isn’t a dealbreaker for me anymore. Wow. You learn something new about yourself every day.

Cocktail Hour

Desiree shows up wearing a dress that looks like if a mermaid joined the army.

Michael, the guy that looks like any one of Kelly’s boyfriends on 90210, finally gets some alone time with Des and tells her he has a really tough personal story to share with her. What could it be?! Did he get Val pregnant? Did he get a DUI on his way home from the Peach Pit After Dark? I am on the edge of my seat! But I shouldn’t be because his big news is that he has diabetes. So I guess I was wrong about him dating Kelly, he is way more of an Andrea Zuckerman boyfriend.

Uh oh here comes Haley Joel Osment! Ben swoops right in and steals Des away right when Michael is getting to the good part about his allowed sugar intake. He is officially so not 90210 and has now been downsized to Stacey McGill from the Babysitter’s Club. Ugh Des is SUCH a MaryAnn.

Stacey's different...and it's harder on her than anyone knows.

So Stacey is very upset about Ben stealing MaryAnn and tells the rest of the club about it. Everyone gets worked up and Mikey decides to be a Claudia and totally yell at Ben for his bff. If that doesn’t sound masculine it’s because it wasn’t. Ben doesn’t give a shit and nothing happens.

Last and least Brian gets alone time with Des and uses it to look like a complete serial killer. And also kind of like a more sweaty version of Christina Applegate’s boyfriend in Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead, who’s name was weirdly also Brian. Hmm. Now I’m wondering if Don’t Tell Mom Brian’s hot dog van was also filled with the bodies of women who like to be supported financially.

Rose Ceremony

FINA-FUCKING-LY.

And the roses go to...

James - young Chris Christie

Kasey - #hashtag

Dan - who?! I have no idea who this is

Juan Pablo - mi amor

Brad - he is tan

Chris - scrabble and poetry!

Brian - american psycho

Zak - shirtless wonder who gives amazing presents

Drew - gayface #1

Mikey - crosseyed Claudia Kishi

Zack - phew! I love him but he gets zero screen time

Michael - Stacey McGill

Brandon - Butterfly with no money

So that means the guys going home are Will the token black man, a blonde man named Nick M. that I have never seen before, and Robert the ventriloquist. No big losses.

The previews for next week have someone’s girlfriend showing up; Haley Joel drama, and for some reason an ambulance is needed. Did Stacey get stressed out and eat a brownie? Tune in next week to find out!

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode One - Des is Surprisingly Fun and Cool! #NOT

Well hello old friends! Are you excited for this season of the Bachelorette?

Because I’m not. Holy fuck Desiree is boring. I'm positive that she is hands down the worst bachelorette in the history of the show. And I thought we had it bad with Forehead Ashley! Turns out she was a gem in comparison. Desiree even manages to makes Sean look like he has a personality. The only saving grace we have right now are the men on the show, and thank god there are some doozies. So with that in mind lets get started...

We start with the typical preview of the season which essentially proves that there is absolutely no reason for each episode to be 2 hours long when everything that happens the entire season can be easily summed up in 5 minutes. The standard issues are all there - Desiree crying, someone has a secret girlfriend, the boys fight with each other and omg someone is not there for the right reasons! Shocking.

Des drives up to her new house and I don’t know much about cars but I’m pretty sure hers is very shitty. Then we get to see where Des is staying for the season and it looks exactly like the Brady Bunch house. She seems very pumped about it but I would be pissed. Who has wall to wall carpeting in a beach house?! I guess when you grow up in a tent just having indoor plumbing makes you happy.

The producers then hit new lows by forcing Des to ROLLERBLADE on the beach wearing a bikini top and shorts while trying on cowboy hats. I am so mortified for her I am having trouble breathing.  Oh god then they show her sketching on the boardwalk! I forgot about her “art”. Its basically 2 stick figures under a palm tree and now I'm just not breathing at all.

Desiree is extremely unlikable and it is making me very upset. She talks about love constantly and it is going to get old FAST. I have never seen someone so obsessed with being in love, it’s terrifying! Direct quote:  “I just want happiness and love. Find me love and I’ll be happy.” That's no way to live your life, girl!

Chris Harrison asks Des if she's sure she's really ready to settle down and I laugh out loud because I think he’s kidding. Oh Puppet Master I missed you so much!

Now that Des has so much screen time I have noticed she has something I have dubbed as “kid mouth”.  Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez are other women that suffer from this affliction. It’s like they grew into women but their mouth stayed 11 years old. It’s definitely something to do with the gum to teeth ratio and I find it repulsive.

First Look at the Guys

Time to meet some men in their natural environment! Let's play drink every time someone is jogging or playing with a dog.

We start with Bryden, an Iraqi war veteran who said he enlisted in the army to get over a broken heart.  Jogging WITH a dog - finish your drink! He has a horrible Lloyd Christmas haircut, but other than that I must say I am a fan.

Next we meet Will, a banker from Chicago but you will remember him as the token black man. He allows cameras to videotape him doing bikram yoga, which is ballsy. Literally. He also happens to be a huge dork.

After that comes Drew, and WHOA that’s what I call a serious case of “gayface”. He’s super cute but does not look straight in any way shape or form. He has the heart of an angel though and I would like to maybe go outlet shopping with him one weekend.

Next comes Nick and my first thought is that he is wearing a highly unacceptable suit. Then we promptly find out that he is a suit salesman. Now all I can think about is how I wish I was watching Romy and Michele instead of this.

“Hey nice suit, is that an Armani?”

“Yes. Yes it is.”

“I thought so. So, what do you do?

“I’m a suit salesman”

“Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.”

Good times. Anyways, just when we thought being a suit salesman was bad, Nick informs us that he also does...wait for it...MAGIC! YESSSSS. There is nothing I love more than a fully grown man doing magic tricks. They show him on stage pulling things out of his sleeve to a crowd of like 5 people and it is amazing. So this is what happens when you collect all the Magic: The Gathering cards.

Next is Zak, a drilling engineer from Mico, Texas. He had a financial job in New York City but decided to move out to Bumfuck, USA so he could never have to wear a shirt again. His abs are good but not good enough to compensate for his Something About Mary bangs and horrible personality.

Now we meet Robert, an ad man from LA. My roommate said he looks like a ventriloquist doll and it was really funny because it’s true. Very, VERY manicured eyebrows. He also has gayface, although I’m sure you knew that once I mentioned the eyebrows.

Next is Mike, a horrible looking dentist. He says he has been single for a very long time and thinks that’s because of work and school, but I think its because of his face and personality.

Finally we meet Brandon, a professional wakeboarder aka unemployed. He talks really slow and I don’t like him.

Des Meets the Men

Finally it’s time for Des to meet everyone! This segment was more uneventful than usual so since I don’t want my readers to be as bored as I was watching it, I am peppering in some facts about the guys from their online bios on ABC.com. Be excited.

Drew - 27 - ad man with severe gayface but the heart of an angel we met before. He acts super nervous and all he says is that he is happy to meet her. Snooze.

Brooks - 28 - marketing consultant with douchey long hair that just like says hi to Des and walks inside. Wtf? His bio says his interests are Indie music and camping. So he is basically my worst nightmare.

Brad - 27 - accountant / DJ. Haha what an awesome job description! Talk about business in the front and party in the back. He brings a wishbone for them to break and make a wish. Mine is that he stops going tanning.

Bryden - 26 - war vet with the Lloyd Christmas hair. He is very nice and normal and therefore I have pretty much nothing to say about him.

Michael - 33 - federal prosecutor. Looks like a typical boyfriend of Kelly’s on 90210. He takes Des to the wishing well to try and find the penny she threw in when she met Sean last season. Its suuuper awkward because he spends like 5 minutes actually trying to find the penny. It should be noted that Desiree in no way helps to make this situation any less uncomfortable and I hate her.

Kasey  - 29 - ad executive. Looks like he has had an eyebrow lift and tells Des that he is in social media and therefore only speaks in hashtags. Hahahaha! I thought nothing could possibly beat “guard and protect your heart” Kasey but I was wrong. #deadwrong

Mikey - 30 - plumbing contractor who may be cross-eyed. He looks super Jersey shore and starts by saying he has a very close family and therefore understands why Des’s brother sabotaged her relationship with Sean. Des reacts to this really normally and cool. Haha, just kidding!

Jonathan - 26 - attorney. Uh oh, we have our first handwritten note of the night. He gives Des a letter that says she should ditch these guys and go directly to the fantasy suite with him and the note actually has a hotel key enclosed. Hahahahaha. Finally this night is getting good! He reminds me of a little gem from Emily’s season we like to call Kalon. Desiree says she’s not that kind of girl and Jon looks genuinely shocked. What a treasure. I now wish I could go back to the wishbone segment of the night so I could change my wish from Brad tanning less to wishing for Jonathan to please get a rose tonight. He needs to stay for our entertainment.

Zak - 31 - shirtless wonder we met before with Something About Mary hair. He shows up without a shirt for this too! The Situation should not be a role model, Zak. He also looks like he bathed in 15 gallons of self tanner.

If The David was a douche

James - 27 - ad exec. Looks comically guido Italian and his bio says his biggest fear on a date is spilling tomato sauce on his white shirts. Haha. He talks to Des a wholeeeee lot about loyalty. He seems pretty loyal to hair gel.

Larry - 34 - ER doctor. Impressive, mama like. Except he has hipster glasses and a 90’s professor haircut.  He dances with Des and when he tries to dip her he rips her dress. Des is super nice to him about it and makes sure he realizes its not a big deal. Haha, gotcha again! I got my Sean Lowe pranking pants on tonight!

Nick R - 26 - the suit salesman/magician!  YAY. He takes a weird piece of paper and uses a lighter to turn it into a rose. This is the same trick he did for his “audience” at home before so I’m thinking it’s the only one he knows. I am obsessed with him.

Zack - 28 - book publisher. He is wearing converse with his suit and is my new favorite. I hope he doesn’t win because he actually seems way too cool and normal for crazy bridal stylist Des. Zack if you’re reading this call me!

Diogo - 20 - marketing manager. More like DioNO. He shows up in a very heavy and realistic knight suit and takes off the helmet to reveal a very sweaty face only a mother could love. I think he might be wearing eyeliner. Des is visibly horrified and it’s the first time I don’t blame her.

Tell me he doesn't live in a basement.

Side note - The guys reactions to the knight are ridiculous. Why are these dorks all so shocked? They are acting like he came in a full penis costume. Then Jonathan tells the cameras that a guy wearing a knight costume is like a guy waxing his eyebrows? Hope Robert didn't hear him say that! But seriously, the producers must be super desperate if they kept that in. These guys are the worst.

Chris - 27 - mortgage broker. I need to tell you that his bio states that he loves to write poetry and play Scrabble. Shoot me in the face. He gets down on one knee and asks Desiree if he can tie his shoe. It’s stupid and I wish bad things for him.

Mike - 27 - the unattractive dentist we met in the beginning. Wait - I just checked his bio and it says he is a model?!  This must be a mistake. I bet he is counting volunteering to pose for his dentist textbook as “modeling.” I’m onto you Ugly Mike.

Robert - 30 - ad man ventriloquist doll. All he does is loosen his tie and say nice to meet you. I can’t. This is too boring. I might not watch this season.

Juan Pablo - 31 - former pro soccer player. Finally some talent up in hea! Me gusta Juan Pablo, now that is a good looking man. He definitely has a sleaze vibe and gives Des a chocolate that is most likely laced with roofies, but if I were her I would ask Jonathan for the key to the fantasy suite and bring Juan Pablo immediately. He is muy caliente.

Brandon - 26 - the wakeboarder we already met. He comes in on a motorcycle. Ugh.

Brian - 29 - financial investor. Looks like he has a whale belt on under his velvet blazer. I already hate him since I read in his bio that his biggest turnoff is a woman that wants to be supported financially. Go fuck yourself Brian.

Micah - 31 - law student. He designed his own suit with crazy colors and looks like an idiot. No way he is making it through the night.

Nick - 27 - investment advisor. Uh oh, we have our first poem of the night. The words “made my heart flutter like waves in the ocean” come out of his mouth and it doesn’t appear to be a joke.

Dan - 30 - beverage sales director. Looks like if a foosball man came alive.

Ben - 28 - entreprenuer. He brought his 5 year old son to the Bachelor house so he is obviously a horrible father. His kid is insanely cute though and Des eats this shit up with a spoon. She will definitely be calling herself a “bonus mom”. I also cannot let it go that Ben’s bio states that if he could live in any time span he would choose “the time of Jesus.”

Cocktail Hour

Well that took a while! Now it’s time for the cocktail hour and this is just too long so I will make this quick.

Sean was a trailblazer and now there are no rules about waiting until the rose ceremony to give anyone a rose. This is bad for me because I cannot keep track of who the hell has one - roses are just flying all around and all these douches look the same. Basically I’m having a hard time following what’s happening on the Bachelorette and I don’t want to talk about it.

The magician starts early! What a gift. He tells all the guys he has a magic trick for them and I am so excited, but then it’s just that he will make Des disappear for 5 minutes. What a letdown. He gets alone time with Des and explains that he his a suit salesman who does magic on nights and weekends and I immediately get sad because I know he is not making it through the night. If there are any men reading this blog and looking to get rid of a clingy girl, tell her you’ve decided to do magic shows on nights and weekends. It’s the ultimate vagina closer.

Ben gets Des alone and explains that he had a kid with his best friend, which is code for extremely drunken one night stand gone horribly wrong, but Des does not seem to pick up on this. She immediately gives him a rose for being “husband material.” Des is dumb.

The shirtless wonder risks ruining his spray tan and jumps in the pool. But it was worth it because it gets him a rose.

Juan Pablo teaches Des soccer in the front yard and I can’t keep my pants on. It reminds me of the beauty that was Ali and Roberto the first night they met. Ah, the good old days.

Jonathan the fantasy suite guy seems pretty drunk and ready to make his move, which is to try and kiss Des alone in a little rape den he has fashioned. After preparing with some pushups, he sits her down and says he has no filter and is outgoing, and is therefore way better than Sean. Can’t say I disagree. Desiree is not feeling him at all though and walks away mid-convo saying she has other people she needs to talk to. The cameras catch Jonathan alone after this saying “I think I’m a good catch, I’m pretty fun, and my mom says I’m good looking. My love tank hasn’t been depleted in years, so we are looking at a pretty large love tank.” YES. And Jonathan saves the show!

Heads up producers - I would make sure to wash those sheets
in case he got some of his love tank on them

Haha then he steals her away again! He tries one more time to bring her to the fantasy suite / homemade rape den and Des makes him go home right away before the rose ceremony because he is making her uncomfortable. Nooooo! He was the only entertaining part of the show! Des ruins everything.

Rose Ceremony

FINALLY. Besides the magician and Jonathan, the best part of this episode has been seeing the previews for Mistresses on the commercials. I can’t wait for that show it looks trash-tastic.

And the roses go to:

Brandon - wakeboarder

Zack - converse. I like him

Will - token black man

Brooks - ew really? He talks like a woman

Juan Pablo - excellente.

Brad - wishbone guy who is too tan

Kasey - the hashtag guy! #awesome

James - guido

Robert - ventroliquist

Brian - doesn't like to financially support women

Dan - foosball

Chris - poetry and Scrabble. Great taste Des.

Mikey - cross-eyed

So that means the guys going home are Larry the ER doctor who dipped Des and ripped her dress, Micah who made his own suit (called it!), Mike the ugly dentist “model”, Diogo the knight, and Nick the magician which is incredibly upsetting. Nick, I will look for you at open mic’s on nights and weekends, and think of you always.

Well that wasn't the most exciting first episode but the previews for the whole season look very dramatic which in Bachelor-land means awesome. So make sure to tune in next week when it seems that Ben puts the Ben in Bentley Williams. See you then!