So now we have come to the part of the season where we get to watch Chris Harrison spoon feed Sean talking points for a solid hour. You know what ABC? I have errands that I need to run eventually. You can’t keep taking up more than 2 hours of my week with your show.
But on the bright side...a whole hour of Chris Harrison, PhD! Now, THAT I can get on board with. If you want to get really trashed drink every time CH proves he’s listening by folding his hands. You will need to have your stomach pumped. Let’s get started!
Find me a bachelor that hasn't said “I never thought I would develop feelings for all these women.” I’m pretty sure because of all those feelings a lot of these women are having strong feelings too...intense, itchy, burning feelings.
They’re recapping Desiree’s fall from grace and, you guessed it! It’s still her creepy convict brother Nate’s fault she went home. I think there might be a big story in the papers this week about Des murdering her brother. The crazy twist will be when we find out she murdered him while pregnant with his baby.
Next they talk about Sara and how her having one arm didn’t matter to Sean...riiiiight. Omg are we really revisiting Sara’s ziplining story??? After Catherine’s tales of terror this just seems ridiculous. But Chris Harrison does make an interesting comment about how some viewers were very mad that Sean made her go on that roller derby date, which leads me to believe that Chris Harrison reads our blog and is quite possibly a fan. Hey Puppet Master, watch your back. I am coming for your job.
This episode should be called Sean Tells Us Things We Already Know.
Next, we’re talking about Selma, aka my favorite person that has ever been on the Bachelor. They basically just focus on how Selma wouldnt kiss on television and I’m reminded of how much of a dick move it was that Sean got rid of her right after she compromised all her family and religious values. Especially since Sean is a born again virgin. People in glass houses...
Woah Chris Harrison says there was AMAZING sexual chemistry between Sean and Selma despite not kissing. I guess we now know what Harrison is storing in his spank bank.
Recapping a recap is almost as mind numbing as watching a 3 minute long closed mouth kiss.
Speaking of, now it’s time to talk about lil sis aka Lesley. And of course we have to watch their terrible long grandma kiss again. Awesome.
Oh my god. They show a never before seen clip of Lesley and Sean joking around trying to eat a brownie and Sean says, “You know how daddy likes his brownie.” I don’t think I will ever be the same. I have never felt so violated by a virgin before. I seriously want to throw up. Actually, this could really help my diet. I am keeping that clip on my dvr for whenever I feel the urge to eat.
Next Chris asks Sean if he would have kept Lesley if she had said she loved him and Sean says he would have! Wtf is that reasoning? It’s a pretty well documented rule that Sean can’t say I love you back to any girls until the finale. I don’t think its ridiculous that a girl wouldn’t want to just put it all out there knowing they can’t get a response! Lesley was the shit and Sean is stupid and now I’m all riled up.
As if I wasn’t riled up enough already, now it’s Tierra Time! I’m glad Sean recognizes that he was an idiot for not seeing what an absolute psycho she is, but I think it’s a little unfair for him to say that she should have never have come on the show. Can you imagine this season without Tierra?! Like half my jokes would have been gone and I would have for sure lost interest after drunk bride Lindsay turned out to not be at all wild or crazy. Tierra saved the whole season in her Sketchers with her Munchausen’s syndrome and mysterious forehead dents.
Yay, now we are revisiting our old BFF Ashley P! In case you’ve forgotten she was the drunk gem that was obsessed with 50 Shades of Gray who got absolutely wasted and eliminated the first night. I miss her so much. They show a lost clip of her telling Sean the same story three times about how much her mom loves him and it’s hysterical. Chris Harrison then says he was disappointed she was so crazy since he had her in the final 4 of his Bachelor Pool and lost a lot of money on her. Umm ok. Two things. 1) WE ARE HAVING A BACHELOR POOL FROM NOW ON. Why haven't I thought of this before?!?! Its the women’s version of fantasy football and it will be awesome. And 2) Chris Harrison, your gambling problem is becoming more and more apparent.
Also news to us is that Catherine passed Sean funny "nerd notes" all season which we didn’t get to see because ABC apparently thinks their audience hates humor. One of them said, “Sean I have a major crush on you. PS Your arms are hairless - I dig that”. Nerd or not, I think she’s funny and I hope she knows what's good for her and bounces off of this show.
Sean and Chris start talking about how flexible Catherine is and I’m back to wanting to throw up.
Who goes crowd surfing at a Sarah Darling concert?? Sean Lowe, thats who.
Chris is asking about the fantasy suites...here we go. This would be a good time for Sean to mention that he’s a born again and only wants to close mouthed kiss. Chris keeps asking how physical he wants to get and Sean says that’s none of his business...which means he’s probably planning on breaking his chastity vow with all 3 of them. And CH will totally be making a peephole in the closet and hiding in there.
Wow, the show is over? That went by quickly! Every episode should only be one hour that was fun! Ummmmm OH MY GOD what the hell is going on...they are playing like porno music while we watch Sean shower and I feel like a dirty old cougar! All this makes me think is that right now there are women like howling over this scene and I am ashamed to be lumped in with the same demographic. Hot abs though (wink).
Next week - Fantasy Suite Dates, where everyone keeps their pants on and plays Uno and various other board games that people that don’t have sex play. Don’t be too excited.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Bachelor Sean: Episode Eight - Are Convicted Felons That Worried About Playboys?
1) It’s the K in BK Lounge’s birthday today! Happy bday bestie. When you blow out your candles please wish for a Chris Harrison sex scandal. Love you!
2) I don’t usually tune into the scenes for the next episodes since they are giant spoilers and it’s more fun to not watch them, so therefore I missed an amazing segment after the “Eyebrow” episode that showed a lost clip from Sean and Lesley’s date in which they are talking about family traditions. This was thankfully brought to my attention and still on my dvr so I checked it out, and let me tell you, it was worth it. I am concerned that some of you missed this too so I feel it is my duty to tell you about it. Buckle up. Sean tells Lesley that 7 years ago his dad started a tradition on Christmas Eve where all the “kids” aka him and his married sister dress in pajamas and drive around to look at the Christmas lights. Sean is 25. Seven years ago he was EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. His sister was even older! This is a highly unacceptable age to start this sort of tradition. He showed Lesley a picture of him in adult sized red zip-up pajamas!!! If you still have this episode saved, I highly recommend checking it out, it’s horrifying. I continue to be shocked at how much of a loser Sean is, its is seriously unreal.
P.S. Thanks mom for alerting me to this dork-ery.
3) It’s the week we have all been waiting for....hometown dates! I would just like to take a moment to remember my favorite moment ever of hometown dates. It was Giant Forehead Ashley’s season and we got to Meet JP’s mom who was dressed in a sweater covered in buttons and showed us a HUGE picture of JP from the early 90’s. It was magical. Thank you ABC and Chris Harrison for letting us meet that button covered gem. It has not gone unappreciated or forgotten.
Ok now we can start.
AshLee’s House
We start in AshLee’s hometown date in Houston Texas. They always put the boring dates first so let’s keep this short. AshLee compliments Sean on his reaction to her telling him she got married at 17 and that it was perfect since it's exactly how her dad would have reacted. Don't worry AshLee, it’s not creepy at all to want a husband exactly like your adopted father. And also was she on the same date we were watching? Sean’s eyes almost popped out of his skull and all he could manage to say was, “That’s....young.” What a catch.
AshLee says that she thought she knew what love was, but had no idea before coming on the Bachelor and experiencing true love with Sean. I wonder how many other girlfriends she thought the guy she’s in love with could have at the same time as her before?
Omg they’re skipping through a meadow!
After their frolicking is over, they head over to AshLee’s parents' house. Her dad Bruce looks like he could be cast in Varsity Blues as an angry football coach and her mom Deborah looks like a man. They both have clearly had bad experiences with box hair color.
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| If Sonic the Hedgehog was a spokesman for Rogaine. |
AshLee is talking about the Polar Bear Plunge and starts crying. Can’t say I blame her, that shit was traumatizing. But ugh she is trying to pass it off as a moment of strength and overcoming her vulnerabilities instead of saying that it was just borderline abuse which we all know it was. God, I’m still really pissed about that.
Why did she tell her parents they rolled around in the sand in St. Croix?! Sean looks very uncomfortable and Deborah looks like she is about 2 seconds away from fainting. I was appalled too Deborah.
AshLee’s dad is wearing light jeans, cowboy boots, a plaid button down, and a corduroy blazer. Just thought that should be noted and documented. He keeps saying that he fell in love with AshLee at first sight and says he won’t pass her on to another man unless that man also loves her like that. Umm, I don’t think that love is supposed to be the same...
But in all seriousness, are 29 year old's eligible for adoption? Because I am seriously considering camping out in front of Bruce and Deb’s door until they take me in. I'm a bitch but they are adorable and possibly the nicest people in the world.
Catherine’s House
Sean heads to Catherine’s in Seattle. Of course they head to that famous market to catch fish. Is that mandatory if you go to Seattle or something? Sean has to stand in front of a crowd and catch dead fish and I’m glad someone is finally making him do something gross and annoying! Wow literally as I was typing that he makes her do it too. Cool, now they will BOTH smell like cod for the rest of the day.
That gum wall is how cholera started.
They head over to Catherine’s house to meet the family and it’s her mom, grandmother and two sisters. To make a joke about her suicidal dad or not to make a joke about her suicidal dad, that is the question. After much consideration I’ll go with not. Anyways the ladies immediately pour tons of wine so I like them. Then they make Sean put on a frilly apron and do push ups in the living room and its the first time I don’t hate him. Catherine makes him fun!
Holy shit, Catherine’s sisters are huge bitches! They totally throw her under the bus and tell Sean she is messy, moody, immature, and selfish. I mean that’s probably true but hometown dates are not the time for truth telling! Everyone knows that. Worst siblings ever. Sean is understandably second guessing a future with Catherine and they leave on really awkward terms.
Lindsay’s House
It’s Lindsay’s turn in Fort Leonard Wood, MO. What? Where? Basically it’s an army base and my nightmare. This whole town looks like an abandoned western movie set and I keep waiting for a tumble weed to blow by. Lindsay has nothing planned for this date except just walking around and it’s really fucking uneventful. Although, despite this boring date I have a feeling they’re going to end up together. They seem very compatible.
Now Lindsay is making Sean do push ups! Is this a requirement for all hometown dates?
Sean won’t shut up about how super nervous he is to meet Lindsay’s dad because he is an army general. Does he think he’s going to make him enlist or beat him with a pillowcase full of soap or something? Relax, pansy.
Lindsay’s parents seem really sweet and her mom is PUMPED to marry her off to Sean. Her father on the other hand...well, actually also kind of pumped! The previews made this look very dramatic but he turns out to be a very nice man who just pauses before giving Sean his blessing. That’s nice but I would like to think that if I was on this show and I made it to hometown dates my dad would not give his blessing to a stranger that is dating 3 other people. Unless there was some sort of prize money involved.
Lindsay tells Sean she is falling in love with him and he says “that means so much to me.” I understand it's against the rules for him to say it back to anyone but still, that would suck. At least she’s not screaming it on a chair.
Desiree’s House
Des meets Sean in workout clothes and they go on a hike and it’s boring.
Wait, why is Desiree’s house nice? She doesn't live in a tent or even a double wide! This date is disappointing already. Until she shows Sean all of the “art” that she made on the wall which looks like she cut up JP’s mom’s button sweater and glued it to a canvas.
OMG, the producers called Desiree’s ex boyfriend! He is seriously talking like he has memorized lines and its ridiculous. He keeps saying he has been trying to contact Desiree and she says she has “been busy.” What? This is so scripted and weird. Sean is getting all riled up though and is basically preparing to fight and I am PRAYING punches get thrown. That would make my week.
Ohhh, ok, this was a prank by Desiree. Her ex-boyfriend was played by a man named Nick who is apparently a professional actor which is really sad for him, I thought for sure she was going to say he was her neighbor or something. But awesome, Sean got pranked! It was kind of a bad one but he deserves it.
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| You are witnessing the most fake, nervous laugh. And Desiree's "artwork" as a bonus! |
Desiree’s parents are exactly how I imagine the parents from the Glass Castle.
Des’s brother Nate comes in with guns BLAZING. Relax buddy, you’re on ABC. He seems like he is on testosterone pills and is wanted in multiple states. I am weird combination of terrified and grossly attracted to him. I can’t believe I just admitted that.
Nate is totally calling out Sean though and it’s kind of awesome. He is not down with the process of the Bachelor and Sean is trying to southern charm him but it doesn't seem to be working. He tells Sean he’s a playboy and just having fun with all these girls, which is true if being a playboy means making them go on horrible dates and constantly close-mouthed kissing all of them. He’s a playboy in the eyes of like the 1700’s.
Nate and Sean go back inside and things only get worse. No one has touched their delicious looking steak and this dinner is painfully awkward and ends abruptly. I wonder if Des will ever forgive her dirtbag brother? I also wonder what will happen to those steaks.
Rose Ceremony
We get to see Chris Harrison playing psychologist for a few minutes! What a treat.
Des is freaking out about how her brother basically screwed her over and at this point I think its safe to say she should pack her bags. It’s all fun and games until you meet an asshole family member that you could potentially be stuck with for life.
And we were right...the final rose goes to Catherine and Des is out. She is devastated and I feel bad for her. Maybe when she goes home love will blossom with Actor Nick? That would be awesome.
Tomorrow night...Sean tells all! Which promises to be the most boring episode of the season. At least Chris Harrison will be there. I miss him. See you then!
Monday, February 18, 2013
Bachelor Sean: Episode Seven - "I Can't Control My Eyebrow!"
Despite the judgemental looks I had to endure from the wine store guy for my consecutive visits this week, I am stocked up and ready to bring you ANOTHER post. You’re welcome.
This week they take the crew to the tropical island St. Croix. Thank god! I was fairly certain that after making them go to Montana and Canada the next stop would be Oymyakon, Russia. This week is extra special too since me and Sean are kind of having our own hometown date considering my parents live in St. Croix. I’m hoping this means I will have the inside scoop on how trashy the places the producers are willing to pay for are.
They are staying at the Buccaneer Hotel, which is actually nice. How sweet of Chris Harrison to share the wealth a little for once. Tierra immediately causes tension by choosing not to bunk with the ladies and pulls a cot into the living room since she’s “not friends with girls who like her boyfriend.” Seriously, what qualifies as a boyfriend these days? Hanging out once every couple weeks and maybe making out? If that’s the case I’ve had about 70 boyfriends. Go me. Then Tierra shows an odd moment of clarity and says that Sean keeps saying he’s crazy about her yet not giving her date cards, and if he’s crazy about her why doesn’t he want to spend time with her? Oh, Tierra. Ask no questions and hear no lies.
AshLee gets the first date card and Tierra immediately gets jealous and calls her a cougar since AshLee is 34 and should be married and settled by now. Umm, I think when Tierra is 34 she will stop eating her feelings and start eating her words.
AshLee’s Date
Sean is taking her on a sweet catamaran to their own private island and it looks awesome. But as with every date Sean “plans” there is a catch....the boat is like 100 feet out and they have to swim to it. There are barracudas and stingrays and poisonous puffer fish in that water! I would totally pull a Selma and say NOPE. Then when they finally get to the boat Sean makes them jump off and almost land on razor sharp coral! What is this, Fear Factor? They better not go near any wooded areas or I will lose it.
Sean subtly asks if there is anymore drama in the house and of course AshLee tells him what an asshole Tierra is and how everyone hates her. Or at least that’s what I think happened...I spent the entire conversation trying to determine what the fuck is going on with AshLee’s face. After intense scrutinizing I am pleased to report that I can now say with 100% certainty that AshLee has a wonky eye. Mystery solved.
Then they have the most un-sexy beach make out I have ever seen. Sean is just laying on top of her not moving and I’m nervous he may be trying to drown her in the waves. It’s like the worst rendition of the Prince Eric/Ariel kiss in the world. Let me tell you something Sean - Prince Eric was my first crush and you are NO PRINCE ERIC. You do kind of remind me of Scuttle, though.
AshLee manages to escape with her life and now they’re at dinner where Sean asks her if there is anything about her family that he should know. AshLee is fumbling over her words and it takes her about a solid minute before she spits out that she got married and divorced when she was 17 (cue banjos). All Sean can manage to say is, “You were a married high school junior? That’s...young.” Every time Sean judges someone an angel gets a freckle.
AshLee stands on a chair and yells that she loves Sean. I am too embarrassed for her to elaborate on that.
Tierra’s Date
Tierra gets the next date card, which says “lets explore the streets of St Croix.” She gets all upset since she thought she would get to go on a cool boat or a ride on the Bachelor-copter. Shut the fuck up Tierra.
They go shopping and Sean (ABC) buys her a bunch of crappy shit at the tourist stands downtown and Tierra is pumped. Really? When do you think you will wear that huge shell necklace again? Grocery shopping in Jersey? No.
After shopping they go to dinner and Sean’s blonde facial hairs are glowing in the candlelight like bright golden pubes dancing on a sunbeam. Tierra tells Sean that she feels he has been distant and Sean admits they have fallen behind...if that sounds familiar it’s because those are also the last words he said to Kacie B before sending her packing. So things aren't looking good for Tierra. But she’s in a tough spot since apparently it’s mandatory “say I love you to Sean” day so she just throws it out there awkwardly that she is falling in love with him and this seems excessive right after AshLee’s chair show. Chris Harrison...I know you’re behind this!
Group Date
The girls on this are Lindsay, Catherine, and Desiree.
Oh god, Sean has his pranking pants on again. He breaks into the girls room, wakes them up, and takes pictures of them without makeup on. He is officially the least attractive man on the planet to me. I hate him so much. He’s like an 8th grade boy.
It is 5:27am and they drive to the easternmost point on the island watch the sunrise. I like this idea in theory but I know if I was there I would never wake up for it. However if you can get over the rude wakeup call, this date actually looks wicked fun. It involves seeing the sunrise and the sunset with a bunch of shit in between. I just hope one of those activities is a nap.
Wow, there is really not much to say here. They go to sugar mills and the rainforest and all of it looks pretty fun. They end up at some weird treehouse and Desiree climbs up it very skillfully, which makes sense since she probably lived in one at some point.
They end up at a beach and it’s pretty boring until Catherine drops her second childhood trauma bomb on Sean and tells him that her dad tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters when she was 14. Where did she grow up, District 12?
Sean gives the rose to Lindsay. Well that was unexpected.
Lesley’s Date
Lesley gets the next date card and Sean starts it out by saying “These dates are usually so big and glamorous but that sometimes gets in the way for me.” Umm, excuse me? What about the previous dates have been glamorous?! We’ve had goat milking, hiking, multiple canoe trips, swimming in freezing water, carrying hay, roller derby, rock climbing...those are real things that he made them do!!! The nicest date I can think of is when he went all pretty woman on the other Lesley and sent her home mid-date.
They end up just picking fruit and you can tell that Sean wants to send her home immediately. I do like Lesley’s outfit though. And that is seriously all I have to say about their date.
Back at the Buccaneer...
Sean’s sister aka Kylie Minogue shows up dressed like a watermelon. She is really excited to be on tv and definitely prays every night for the power to resist the urge to bang her brother.
Tierra decides to confront AshLee about talking shit about her on her date with Sean. AshLee holds her own until Tierra throws the age card out. Low blow! Lesson of the day - always say good morning to everyone or they will hate you forever. When AshLee starts really telling Tierra how awful she is Tierra just completely loses it and starts screaming a series of random hysterical things such as:
“My parents told me, Tierra, you have a sparkle! Don’t let those girls take it away from you!”
“I know I always have a raised eyebrow! That’s just my FACE! I can’t control my eyebrow!”
Best day ever. So Tierra moves to her cot to cry uncontrollably and conveniently that’s when Sean shows up to have her come meet his sister. He asks her what’s going on and she tells him that everyone is mean to her and it finally dawns on Sean that people that are always talking about how big their hearts are usually are the biggest assholes. He tells Tierra to wait there for a moment and I think she’s thinking he’s going to get a rose...but really he is just going for a walk outside to look thoughtful for the cameras before going back in and telling Tierra to go home. I honestly didn’t see that coming! It makes me actually like Sean for a fleeting moment.
Tierra of course doesn’t handle this well and her crazy continues for the ride to the airport. She is crying like me when I first saw All Dogs Go To Heaven. She covers her face with her hands and my last thoughts of her are that her open heart tattoo looks like a cartoon ballsack.
Cocktail Party
Where the HELL is Chris Harrison?!? I am not down with this ABC. Actually I know exactly where he is - there is a casino about 15 minutes from the Buccaneer. CH - try out the $5 Mississippi Stud table. It’s my jam.
Sean continues his clarity by putting the kibosh on the cocktail party and goes right to the rose ceremony since he knows who he wants to send home. It’s definitely Lesley. Too bad, I liked her.
Rose Ceremony
Finally the Puppet Master graces us with his presence!!! Did he cut back to part time or something? If there is an opening for his position please let me know ABC. I’d be wicked good at working for 10 minutes a day.
I really need to find out where Lesley’s dress is from, I’m obsessed. Oh, and as predicted she goes home in a very uneventful way. She actually handles it remarkably. Aw and Catherine cries that she’s leaving!!! Me too, Catherine. You are now my new favorite. WHOA spoke too soon - she tells the cameras she is basically crying out of insecurity because she thought Lesley had more in common with Sean than her and if Sean doesn’t want Lesley then he definitely won’t want her. WTF? I honestly don’t know if that’s sweet or extremely pathetic and self-centered but instead of debating it I am just going to make Lindsay my new favorite. Go Lindsay!
Next week is Hometown Dates!!! I am embarrassed about how excited I am.
This week they take the crew to the tropical island St. Croix. Thank god! I was fairly certain that after making them go to Montana and Canada the next stop would be Oymyakon, Russia. This week is extra special too since me and Sean are kind of having our own hometown date considering my parents live in St. Croix. I’m hoping this means I will have the inside scoop on how trashy the places the producers are willing to pay for are.
They are staying at the Buccaneer Hotel, which is actually nice. How sweet of Chris Harrison to share the wealth a little for once. Tierra immediately causes tension by choosing not to bunk with the ladies and pulls a cot into the living room since she’s “not friends with girls who like her boyfriend.” Seriously, what qualifies as a boyfriend these days? Hanging out once every couple weeks and maybe making out? If that’s the case I’ve had about 70 boyfriends. Go me. Then Tierra shows an odd moment of clarity and says that Sean keeps saying he’s crazy about her yet not giving her date cards, and if he’s crazy about her why doesn’t he want to spend time with her? Oh, Tierra. Ask no questions and hear no lies.
AshLee gets the first date card and Tierra immediately gets jealous and calls her a cougar since AshLee is 34 and should be married and settled by now. Umm, I think when Tierra is 34 she will stop eating her feelings and start eating her words.
AshLee’s Date
Sean is taking her on a sweet catamaran to their own private island and it looks awesome. But as with every date Sean “plans” there is a catch....the boat is like 100 feet out and they have to swim to it. There are barracudas and stingrays and poisonous puffer fish in that water! I would totally pull a Selma and say NOPE. Then when they finally get to the boat Sean makes them jump off and almost land on razor sharp coral! What is this, Fear Factor? They better not go near any wooded areas or I will lose it.
Sean subtly asks if there is anymore drama in the house and of course AshLee tells him what an asshole Tierra is and how everyone hates her. Or at least that’s what I think happened...I spent the entire conversation trying to determine what the fuck is going on with AshLee’s face. After intense scrutinizing I am pleased to report that I can now say with 100% certainty that AshLee has a wonky eye. Mystery solved.
Then they have the most un-sexy beach make out I have ever seen. Sean is just laying on top of her not moving and I’m nervous he may be trying to drown her in the waves. It’s like the worst rendition of the Prince Eric/Ariel kiss in the world. Let me tell you something Sean - Prince Eric was my first crush and you are NO PRINCE ERIC. You do kind of remind me of Scuttle, though.
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| Percussion. Strings. Winds. Crabs. |
AshLee manages to escape with her life and now they’re at dinner where Sean asks her if there is anything about her family that he should know. AshLee is fumbling over her words and it takes her about a solid minute before she spits out that she got married and divorced when she was 17 (cue banjos). All Sean can manage to say is, “You were a married high school junior? That’s...young.” Every time Sean judges someone an angel gets a freckle.
AshLee stands on a chair and yells that she loves Sean. I am too embarrassed for her to elaborate on that.
Tierra’s Date
Tierra gets the next date card, which says “lets explore the streets of St Croix.” She gets all upset since she thought she would get to go on a cool boat or a ride on the Bachelor-copter. Shut the fuck up Tierra.
They go shopping and Sean (ABC) buys her a bunch of crappy shit at the tourist stands downtown and Tierra is pumped. Really? When do you think you will wear that huge shell necklace again? Grocery shopping in Jersey? No.
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| How many linen shirts does Sean own? The answer: too many. |
After shopping they go to dinner and Sean’s blonde facial hairs are glowing in the candlelight like bright golden pubes dancing on a sunbeam. Tierra tells Sean that she feels he has been distant and Sean admits they have fallen behind...if that sounds familiar it’s because those are also the last words he said to Kacie B before sending her packing. So things aren't looking good for Tierra. But she’s in a tough spot since apparently it’s mandatory “say I love you to Sean” day so she just throws it out there awkwardly that she is falling in love with him and this seems excessive right after AshLee’s chair show. Chris Harrison...I know you’re behind this!
Group Date
The girls on this are Lindsay, Catherine, and Desiree.
Oh god, Sean has his pranking pants on again. He breaks into the girls room, wakes them up, and takes pictures of them without makeup on. He is officially the least attractive man on the planet to me. I hate him so much. He’s like an 8th grade boy.
It is 5:27am and they drive to the easternmost point on the island watch the sunrise. I like this idea in theory but I know if I was there I would never wake up for it. However if you can get over the rude wakeup call, this date actually looks wicked fun. It involves seeing the sunrise and the sunset with a bunch of shit in between. I just hope one of those activities is a nap.
Wow, there is really not much to say here. They go to sugar mills and the rainforest and all of it looks pretty fun. They end up at some weird treehouse and Desiree climbs up it very skillfully, which makes sense since she probably lived in one at some point.
They end up at a beach and it’s pretty boring until Catherine drops her second childhood trauma bomb on Sean and tells him that her dad tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters when she was 14. Where did she grow up, District 12?
Sean gives the rose to Lindsay. Well that was unexpected.
Lesley’s Date
Lesley gets the next date card and Sean starts it out by saying “These dates are usually so big and glamorous but that sometimes gets in the way for me.” Umm, excuse me? What about the previous dates have been glamorous?! We’ve had goat milking, hiking, multiple canoe trips, swimming in freezing water, carrying hay, roller derby, rock climbing...those are real things that he made them do!!! The nicest date I can think of is when he went all pretty woman on the other Lesley and sent her home mid-date.
They end up just picking fruit and you can tell that Sean wants to send her home immediately. I do like Lesley’s outfit though. And that is seriously all I have to say about their date.
Back at the Buccaneer...
Sean’s sister aka Kylie Minogue shows up dressed like a watermelon. She is really excited to be on tv and definitely prays every night for the power to resist the urge to bang her brother.
Tierra decides to confront AshLee about talking shit about her on her date with Sean. AshLee holds her own until Tierra throws the age card out. Low blow! Lesson of the day - always say good morning to everyone or they will hate you forever. When AshLee starts really telling Tierra how awful she is Tierra just completely loses it and starts screaming a series of random hysterical things such as:
“My parents told me, Tierra, you have a sparkle! Don’t let those girls take it away from you!”
“I know I always have a raised eyebrow! That’s just my FACE! I can’t control my eyebrow!”
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| Came across this, needed to share. Chris is still the worst. |
Best day ever. So Tierra moves to her cot to cry uncontrollably and conveniently that’s when Sean shows up to have her come meet his sister. He asks her what’s going on and she tells him that everyone is mean to her and it finally dawns on Sean that people that are always talking about how big their hearts are usually are the biggest assholes. He tells Tierra to wait there for a moment and I think she’s thinking he’s going to get a rose...but really he is just going for a walk outside to look thoughtful for the cameras before going back in and telling Tierra to go home. I honestly didn’t see that coming! It makes me actually like Sean for a fleeting moment.
Tierra of course doesn’t handle this well and her crazy continues for the ride to the airport. She is crying like me when I first saw All Dogs Go To Heaven. She covers her face with her hands and my last thoughts of her are that her open heart tattoo looks like a cartoon ballsack.
Cocktail Party
Where the HELL is Chris Harrison?!? I am not down with this ABC. Actually I know exactly where he is - there is a casino about 15 minutes from the Buccaneer. CH - try out the $5 Mississippi Stud table. It’s my jam.
Sean continues his clarity by putting the kibosh on the cocktail party and goes right to the rose ceremony since he knows who he wants to send home. It’s definitely Lesley. Too bad, I liked her.
Rose Ceremony
Finally the Puppet Master graces us with his presence!!! Did he cut back to part time or something? If there is an opening for his position please let me know ABC. I’d be wicked good at working for 10 minutes a day.
I really need to find out where Lesley’s dress is from, I’m obsessed. Oh, and as predicted she goes home in a very uneventful way. She actually handles it remarkably. Aw and Catherine cries that she’s leaving!!! Me too, Catherine. You are now my new favorite. WHOA spoke too soon - she tells the cameras she is basically crying out of insecurity because she thought Lesley had more in common with Sean than her and if Sean doesn’t want Lesley then he definitely won’t want her. WTF? I honestly don’t know if that’s sweet or extremely pathetic and self-centered but instead of debating it I am just going to make Lindsay my new favorite. Go Lindsay!
Next week is Hometown Dates!!! I am embarrassed about how excited I am.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Bachelor Sean: Episode Six - "Falling In Love In A Teepee"
Ok, I’ll admit it, two episodes of Bachelor in one week is just too much - even for me. It took me a full week to recover. Apologies.
We begin with Sean in Canada soaking up more goddamn nature. From Montana to Canada? This world tour is the worst. The girls arrive and of course pretend to be in awe and super excited about all the mountains and trees. And of course Selma is wearing Louboutins.
Catherine's Date
The first date card arrives for Catherine, the Asian vegan. The producers are dicks and make her wait for the date by standing outside in a desolate area during a blizzard in a very lightweight coat. It seems like a while before Sean finally shows up...driving a giant snow bus that reminds me of the snow tractor in The Shining that Shelley Duvall uses to escape. Good, Catherine will need a getaway vehicle when she realizes this "date" is Sean like forcing her to manually build an igloo and kill a squirrel for dinner.
Sean hands Catherine a onesie snow suit and says they are going to go play on a glacier. He takes her to a frozen tundra which I can assure you, looks pretty much like Nemo did this past weekend.
OMG, Sean’s spray tan is having a BAD reaction in the cold and it’s making his skin orange and his hair looks translucent. He looks like a snow creature from Narnia.
This date is ridiculous, why are they still outside?! It’s been like 20 minutes of Catherine pretending to have fun doing somersaults and being pulled in a sled. Her game is working though and Sean says Catherine passed the “blizzard test”. Seriously Sean, I have had enough. Stop making all your dates a test if they can make it through miserable situations!!!
Finally the onesie snowsuit portion of the date ends and after a quick trip to the frostbite clinic Catherine is ready for what will surely be a very unromantic evening, starting with a horse drawn carriage ride. Is Danielle Steel a producer or something? Anyone who thinks a horse drawn carriage is romantic obviously doesn’t understand the logistics of sitting directly behind a horses ass.
But their carriage takes them to an ice castle which is pretty fucking cool. I want one! There is a rose in an ice block and I can’t stop thinking about Beauty and the Beast. Or in this case Vegan and the Beef.
I am pretty sure that Chris Harrison gives these girls a list of topics that they must cover within a two date span and one of them is picking the biggest moment in your life that defines you as a person. Catherine is deciding to get this one out of the way quickly and tells Sean that once at summer camp she went hiking and a tree fell over and killed her friend instantly. Wtf?! That might be the most horrific and traumatizing story I have ever heard and now I can add trees to my list of crippling fears along with the ocean and rats. Where the fuck am I going to be able to go?
So now between the ice castle they’re sitting in and that horrific story, Sean’s balls are somewhere up around his armpits. He panics and immediately gives Catherine the rose.
Group Date
The girls show up and Sean announces that the date will be another fucking canoe ride. Seriously?! This has become a cruel freak show of watching people with one arm do things that are physically impossible for them.
Lesley is crafty and makes sure she is the one that gets to be alone with Sean in his canoe. Selma is jealous and says she wants a shark to come out of the lake and eat Lesley. There is no doubt in my mind that Selma 100% believes there are sharks in that lake.
The gang pulls up to some tents and it turns out that Sean wants them to do a “polar bear plunge” which essentially means that Sean hates them and is trying to kill all of them in one swoop. Keep in mind that this water is glacier fed so just a tad above freezing and he wants them to jump in. Fuck. That. A lot of the girls look less than enthused and Sean basically says that no one has to do it, but then they won’t pass his “hypothermia test” which must be earned in order to be his wife.
Side note - is AshLee cross eyed??
Selma becomes my new favorite by flat out refusing to do it. Haha god I love her. Sean keeps trying to convince her to change her mind by saying it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. I would beg to differ - there are freezing bodies of water like 6 months out of the year that she can jump into if she wants. This is just a regular old opportunity to have really hard nipples on national television.
Eventually everyone minus Selma jumps in and it looks terrible. Someone keeps letting out high pitched screams and it’s driving me crazy.
Oh god, here we go...the moment we've all been waiting for. Tierra seemed fine at first but then all of a sudden starts flailing around like someone on acid who wandered into a swarm of bees. The ginger lifeguards have to carry her inside and wrap her up like a baked potato in one of those foil capes. It looks bad but Sean seems very unconcerned with Tierra’s health, probably because this is like the 3rd date where someone has had to go off in an ambulance so he’s just used to it by now. Newsflash Sean - girls shouldn't be getting seriously injured to have a chance at love with you. Stop having dates like this. Dinner and a movie is the standard for a reason.
The silver lining is that Tierra has now provided a valuable lesson to future Bachelor contestants: If the producers tell you to bring a bathing suit, wear waterproof mascara.
The other girls are bitching that Tierra is a drama queen and alluding to the fact that she is faking it which I actually think is a little bitchy considering we all saw her shaking violently with blue lips - until they immediately cut to Tierra sitting on a bed in a hotel robe, wearing an oxygen tube and eating a Whopper. Amazing. I think I owe credit where credit is due...Tierra, my friend, well done.
They are now starting the cocktail party portion of the date and Tierra gets told to stay behind and rest. The girls are excited about this because that means “guaranteed no drama”. Also guaranteed is that this cocktail party will be boring as shit.
Sara decides to sit Sean down and show him a shitload of family photos starting from when she was a baby and chronicling through her adolescence when she wasn’t even a blonde yet! Jesus Sara what did Sean ever do to you? Oh wait he made you do a ton of activities that require two arms. Nice revenge. No one likes pictures of people they don’t know.
Tierra of course ends up showing up to the cocktail party and the girls are pissed but it’s uneventful. Can Sean please stop saying “bless your heart” to Tierra?! He might as well just knit that phrase into an afghan for her. Granny.
Lesley calls Tierra a Tierra-ist. Haha, good one. Then Sean gives Lesley the rose even though Tierra got almost hypothermia! What a glorious surprise.
Back at the house Sean wants to send someone home so badly that he can’t stand it. He tells the cameras it has to happen now and he can’t wait for the rose ceremony. I would seriously put $100 on it being Daniella.
OH MY GOD IT'S SARA. Not cool Sean, not cool. Sara handles it pretty well but does some crying which makes me choke up a little. I hope she finds love! Sara, if you’re reading this know that you can do so much better than this dumbass Narnia snow creature. Go home and find someone cool that won’t spend their life pranking you and making you go outside all the time.
Desiree Date
Desiree has the next date, making her the first girl to have 2 one on one dates with Sean. Of course Sean immediately tricks Des and tells her they are having a picnic which she is all excited about until she finds out they have to rappel down a mountain to get to it. Ugh, I can’t talk anymore about how awful and rude these dates are. Sean tries to justify the rappelling by saying that he wants her to do this to show that if you commit to something you can make it work. Umm fine, but I don’t see why a harness has to be involved to prove this message. Can’t they just commit to finishing a bottle of champagne instead?
Is it just me or are the girls all looking kind of chunky in the face? See what nature does to you?!
Sean and Des finally make it down for the picnic and Desiree gets to rest for about 30 seconds before Sean says they should climb a tree. Is there such a thing as Wilderness ADD? Sean keeps saying these things are cool to do on dates because it’s something they've never done before. You know what’s also cool to do on dates that you haven’t done before Sean? Not be a douchebag.
They end the night with drinks in a teepee. Desiree is also checking off the “reveal a defining moment” box tonight and tells Sean she had to live in a tent when she was growing up because her family “didn't have a lot of money”. Umm...if you had to live in a tent I’m pretty sure you had NO money. Does anyone else feel like she is lying? Of course Sean is eating this story up though and gives Des the rose, followed by Des dropping the best line of the season yet: “I opened up about spending some of my life in a tent, and here I am falling in love in a teepee.” YES.
Cocktail Party
Tierra is playing hardball tonight and decided to accessorize her white dress with a roadkill necklace. She looks like she is auditioning to be the mistress of a Russian Tsar.
Selma is nervous about maybe being sent home so she ends up throwing her family’s values out the window and kissing Sean. It is the worst kiss ever and she just presses her lips on his without any movement. I can’t say I blame her though - Sean, maybe if you didn’t act like a grandmother you wouldn’t get kissed like one.
AshLee gets some one on one time with Sean and continues her streak of creeping me the fuck out by turning it into a some kind of weird vulnerability game where Sean blindfolds her and carries her around? What? Where am I and how much wine have I had?
Rose Ceremony
Wow Chris Harrison makes his first appearance this episode and there are only 10 minutes left?! Not cool. I knew something was missing! We missed you Puppet Master.
Whoa two are going home tonight! Excellent. Time to trim the fat.
Lesley, Desiree, and Catherine already have roses. The remaining go to...
Lindsay
AshLee
Tierra
So this means Daniella and Selma are going home!!! Daniella was a given but Selma is an upset. Except OMG...she’s the one that didn’t jump in the lake! Now it all makes sense. Sean is such a dick with his wilderness requirements. I hate him.
Next week it’s time for St. Croix and more Tierra drama! That recap will be up Wednesday, I promise. See you then!
We begin with Sean in Canada soaking up more goddamn nature. From Montana to Canada? This world tour is the worst. The girls arrive and of course pretend to be in awe and super excited about all the mountains and trees. And of course Selma is wearing Louboutins.
Catherine's Date
The first date card arrives for Catherine, the Asian vegan. The producers are dicks and make her wait for the date by standing outside in a desolate area during a blizzard in a very lightweight coat. It seems like a while before Sean finally shows up...driving a giant snow bus that reminds me of the snow tractor in The Shining that Shelley Duvall uses to escape. Good, Catherine will need a getaway vehicle when she realizes this "date" is Sean like forcing her to manually build an igloo and kill a squirrel for dinner.
Sean hands Catherine a onesie snow suit and says they are going to go play on a glacier. He takes her to a frozen tundra which I can assure you, looks pretty much like Nemo did this past weekend.
OMG, Sean’s spray tan is having a BAD reaction in the cold and it’s making his skin orange and his hair looks translucent. He looks like a snow creature from Narnia.
This date is ridiculous, why are they still outside?! It’s been like 20 minutes of Catherine pretending to have fun doing somersaults and being pulled in a sled. Her game is working though and Sean says Catherine passed the “blizzard test”. Seriously Sean, I have had enough. Stop making all your dates a test if they can make it through miserable situations!!!
Finally the onesie snowsuit portion of the date ends and after a quick trip to the frostbite clinic Catherine is ready for what will surely be a very unromantic evening, starting with a horse drawn carriage ride. Is Danielle Steel a producer or something? Anyone who thinks a horse drawn carriage is romantic obviously doesn’t understand the logistics of sitting directly behind a horses ass.
But their carriage takes them to an ice castle which is pretty fucking cool. I want one! There is a rose in an ice block and I can’t stop thinking about Beauty and the Beast. Or in this case Vegan and the Beef.
I am pretty sure that Chris Harrison gives these girls a list of topics that they must cover within a two date span and one of them is picking the biggest moment in your life that defines you as a person. Catherine is deciding to get this one out of the way quickly and tells Sean that once at summer camp she went hiking and a tree fell over and killed her friend instantly. Wtf?! That might be the most horrific and traumatizing story I have ever heard and now I can add trees to my list of crippling fears along with the ocean and rats. Where the fuck am I going to be able to go?
So now between the ice castle they’re sitting in and that horrific story, Sean’s balls are somewhere up around his armpits. He panics and immediately gives Catherine the rose.
Group Date
The girls show up and Sean announces that the date will be another fucking canoe ride. Seriously?! This has become a cruel freak show of watching people with one arm do things that are physically impossible for them.
Lesley is crafty and makes sure she is the one that gets to be alone with Sean in his canoe. Selma is jealous and says she wants a shark to come out of the lake and eat Lesley. There is no doubt in my mind that Selma 100% believes there are sharks in that lake.
The gang pulls up to some tents and it turns out that Sean wants them to do a “polar bear plunge” which essentially means that Sean hates them and is trying to kill all of them in one swoop. Keep in mind that this water is glacier fed so just a tad above freezing and he wants them to jump in. Fuck. That. A lot of the girls look less than enthused and Sean basically says that no one has to do it, but then they won’t pass his “hypothermia test” which must be earned in order to be his wife.
Side note - is AshLee cross eyed??
 |
| Her eyes could be a little better organized. |
Selma becomes my new favorite by flat out refusing to do it. Haha god I love her. Sean keeps trying to convince her to change her mind by saying it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. I would beg to differ - there are freezing bodies of water like 6 months out of the year that she can jump into if she wants. This is just a regular old opportunity to have really hard nipples on national television.
Eventually everyone minus Selma jumps in and it looks terrible. Someone keeps letting out high pitched screams and it’s driving me crazy.
Oh god, here we go...the moment we've all been waiting for. Tierra seemed fine at first but then all of a sudden starts flailing around like someone on acid who wandered into a swarm of bees. The ginger lifeguards have to carry her inside and wrap her up like a baked potato in one of those foil capes. It looks bad but Sean seems very unconcerned with Tierra’s health, probably because this is like the 3rd date where someone has had to go off in an ambulance so he’s just used to it by now. Newsflash Sean - girls shouldn't be getting seriously injured to have a chance at love with you. Stop having dates like this. Dinner and a movie is the standard for a reason.
The silver lining is that Tierra has now provided a valuable lesson to future Bachelor contestants: If the producers tell you to bring a bathing suit, wear waterproof mascara.
The other girls are bitching that Tierra is a drama queen and alluding to the fact that she is faking it which I actually think is a little bitchy considering we all saw her shaking violently with blue lips - until they immediately cut to Tierra sitting on a bed in a hotel robe, wearing an oxygen tube and eating a Whopper. Amazing. I think I owe credit where credit is due...Tierra, my friend, well done.
 |
| I would fake hypothermia for a cheeseburger too. |
They are now starting the cocktail party portion of the date and Tierra gets told to stay behind and rest. The girls are excited about this because that means “guaranteed no drama”. Also guaranteed is that this cocktail party will be boring as shit.
Sara decides to sit Sean down and show him a shitload of family photos starting from when she was a baby and chronicling through her adolescence when she wasn’t even a blonde yet! Jesus Sara what did Sean ever do to you? Oh wait he made you do a ton of activities that require two arms. Nice revenge. No one likes pictures of people they don’t know.
Tierra of course ends up showing up to the cocktail party and the girls are pissed but it’s uneventful. Can Sean please stop saying “bless your heart” to Tierra?! He might as well just knit that phrase into an afghan for her. Granny.
Lesley calls Tierra a Tierra-ist. Haha, good one. Then Sean gives Lesley the rose even though Tierra got almost hypothermia! What a glorious surprise.
Back at the house Sean wants to send someone home so badly that he can’t stand it. He tells the cameras it has to happen now and he can’t wait for the rose ceremony. I would seriously put $100 on it being Daniella.
OH MY GOD IT'S SARA. Not cool Sean, not cool. Sara handles it pretty well but does some crying which makes me choke up a little. I hope she finds love! Sara, if you’re reading this know that you can do so much better than this dumbass Narnia snow creature. Go home and find someone cool that won’t spend their life pranking you and making you go outside all the time.
Desiree Date
Desiree has the next date, making her the first girl to have 2 one on one dates with Sean. Of course Sean immediately tricks Des and tells her they are having a picnic which she is all excited about until she finds out they have to rappel down a mountain to get to it. Ugh, I can’t talk anymore about how awful and rude these dates are. Sean tries to justify the rappelling by saying that he wants her to do this to show that if you commit to something you can make it work. Umm fine, but I don’t see why a harness has to be involved to prove this message. Can’t they just commit to finishing a bottle of champagne instead?
Is it just me or are the girls all looking kind of chunky in the face? See what nature does to you?!
Sean and Des finally make it down for the picnic and Desiree gets to rest for about 30 seconds before Sean says they should climb a tree. Is there such a thing as Wilderness ADD? Sean keeps saying these things are cool to do on dates because it’s something they've never done before. You know what’s also cool to do on dates that you haven’t done before Sean? Not be a douchebag.
They end the night with drinks in a teepee. Desiree is also checking off the “reveal a defining moment” box tonight and tells Sean she had to live in a tent when she was growing up because her family “didn't have a lot of money”. Umm...if you had to live in a tent I’m pretty sure you had NO money. Does anyone else feel like she is lying? Of course Sean is eating this story up though and gives Des the rose, followed by Des dropping the best line of the season yet: “I opened up about spending some of my life in a tent, and here I am falling in love in a teepee.” YES.
 |
| This all happened while Sean was wearing a sweater from the women's section of LL Bean. I couldn't not mention it. |
Cocktail Party
Tierra is playing hardball tonight and decided to accessorize her white dress with a roadkill necklace. She looks like she is auditioning to be the mistress of a Russian Tsar.
Selma is nervous about maybe being sent home so she ends up throwing her family’s values out the window and kissing Sean. It is the worst kiss ever and she just presses her lips on his without any movement. I can’t say I blame her though - Sean, maybe if you didn’t act like a grandmother you wouldn’t get kissed like one.
AshLee gets some one on one time with Sean and continues her streak of creeping me the fuck out by turning it into a some kind of weird vulnerability game where Sean blindfolds her and carries her around? What? Where am I and how much wine have I had?
Rose Ceremony
Wow Chris Harrison makes his first appearance this episode and there are only 10 minutes left?! Not cool. I knew something was missing! We missed you Puppet Master.
Whoa two are going home tonight! Excellent. Time to trim the fat.
Lesley, Desiree, and Catherine already have roses. The remaining go to...
Lindsay
AshLee
Tierra
So this means Daniella and Selma are going home!!! Daniella was a given but Selma is an upset. Except OMG...she’s the one that didn’t jump in the lake! Now it all makes sense. Sean is such a dick with his wilderness requirements. I hate him.
Next week it’s time for St. Croix and more Tierra drama! That recap will be up Wednesday, I promise. See you then!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Bachelor Sean - Episode Five: Two Women, One Rose, One Stays, One Goes
Hello! I apologize for this late post - it has been a hectic week for BK Lounge. And of course it’s the week with 4 hours of the Bachelor. But we are committed and will be posting the recap for episode 6 very soon so keep checking back!
With that said, let’s get this party started.
The producers must be reading this blog since they start the episode sans gratuitous nudity from Sean! Instead they give the people what they want and grant us some good old fashioned Chris Harrison showing up with a date card and telling the girls that the dreaded two-on-one date will be this week. Puppet Master is always so giddy to deliver this news, I swear he gets off on the smell of fear in the room. He does soften the blow though by telling the ladies they will now start their worldwide tour beginning in the exotic and magical...
Montana. Hahaha, everyone looks pissed. As they should be! I would seriously ask to stay behind. Can Sean stop making them rough it please? This season looks like Bear Grylls' wet dreams. Who by the way we can add the the list of people who would be a better bachelor than Sean right under the 10 million other names. I actually think I would be a better bachelor than Sean.
Daniella says she is excited to travel with her boyfriend. Umm, I am pretty sure her and Sean have never spoken. Not once.
Bride Lindsay gets the first one on one date! I am excited to get to know her since she seems like a hot mess. A helicopter shows up and for some reason all the girls continue to be impressed by this. There is a helicopter on every single date! It is not impressive or surprising! What is surprising is how gorgeous Montana turns out to be. It’s majestic. Lindsay is appropriately loving the scenery and Sean says he is happy she is so outdoorsy. Sean would hate me. You know my idea of being outdoorsy? Troop Beverly Hills. Now THAT is camping. Great now I can't stop thinking about Girl Scout cookies.
Next Sean and Lindsay land for a picnic on an Indian Burial Ground. Ah yes, nothing says romance quite like the setting of classic love stories such as The Shining, Pet Semetary, and Amityville Horror. They make out and apparently the burial ground powers are real because Sean’s tongue comes back from the dead. Haha sorry. I hate myself.
Back at the house the girls are foaming at the mouth over the arrival of the date card. The group date card comes and everyone but Tierra and Jackie’s names are on it which means that those two have to go on the two on one! Tierra and the Bratz doll?! This is too good to be true. We owe you one Chris Harrison.
Back at the scene of hundreds of unsolved murders Sean gives Lindsay the rose and surprises her with a concert by Sarah Darling. First of all, who is that. Second, this is only episode 5 and we have had to endure three of these awful surprise concerts already! It really can't be that hard to think of new date ideas can it? Here's one I literally just came up with right this second: spa day followed by a bomb dinner. BOOM done and way better than this stupid concert where they have to dance on a platform and make out in front of a crowd of strangers.
Group Date
Ugh Selma is one of those small people that think they can just jump on everyone. And what is she wearing on her head? She looks like she fell head first into an Arden B winter accessory bin.
Goats + canoes + hay = Chris Harrison's twisted Montana relay race fantasy. The girls have to split into 2 teams of 4 and do farmer-like things such as canoeing, bucking hay (what is that?!) and crawling through a log, but Puppet Master says his favorite part is that they have to milk a goat. You are such a perv CH, I know what you’re up to. Basically all these goats are getting hand jobs and then to win someone from each team has to drink the milk! Does anyone else see what is going on here?!
Red Team: Selma, Robin, Desiree, Sara
Blue Team: Leslie, AshLee, Catherine, Daniella
So the race begins and both teams are off in their canoes. The red team paddles directly into a bush... and then another bush. The blue team is smoking them and docks their canoe so their other teammates can start the hay carrying portion of this shit show. Somehow they fuck up carrying hay and the red team passes them in the wood cutting leg. Both teams are now milking goats and the red team’s goat shows her clear disdain for their handjob skills by kicking over their almost filled milk jar. Haha burned by a goat. Desiree chugs the milk and wins it for the red team. I don’t know why I just told you that play by play as if anyone cares.
So the blue team heads home and the rest of the gang heads to a dive bar downtown which is actually cool of them. Finally doing something normal on a date! The producers are not satisfied with the lack of death defying stunts and obstacle courses though so they decide to amp up the drama by having Sean bring the blue team back. So now poor Chris Harrison has to cut his night at the local strip club short and go to the girls’ house to wrangle the losers. He gets there and they are already drinking wine on the couch wearing sweatshirts (which is exactly what I am doing right now as well) but they act like they won the lottery when they find out they have to get up and shower and put on makeup to go meet Sean again. Apparently being desperate gives you a lot of energy. I would be like sorry but I'm in for the night.
Side note Daniella has yet to speak a full sentence this season.
Sean drops the bomb on the red team that the blue team is coming back and you would think he just told them that Valtrex causes rapid weight gain. They are PISSED. Selma might actually stab someone. Desiree is also furious but that I can understand - I would be upset too if I had to endure goat milk induced diarrhea all afternoon.
Umm omg. Tierra shows up out of nowhere in a stolen lumberjack shirt and crashes the group date that the blue team has already crashed. Double crash! I like it. I like it alot. I do have to give this season some credit for not giving a fuck about the rules or common decency. I feel like we have Chris Harrison and his recent divorce combined with 20 years of service to ABC to thank for that so kudos, Puppet Master. Anyways Tierra sneaks up behind Sean while the producers are interviewing him and puts her hands over his eyes and he freezes for a solid 5 seconds without making a move. I think we just saw Sean shit his pants on national television. Then there’s a commercial break and this might be the only time I have ever watched this show and been on the edge of my seat. I am so excited.
We come back and Tierra takes Sean outside to confront him about why she got a 2 on 1. I weirdly kind of like her for doing that, way to speak your mind and bring up the problem, girl. Sean stutters and looks uncomfortable so they make out a little and she goes home. Well that was a lot of buildup for very little pay off. That’s what she said.
It is a complete waste of my time to talk about Sean’s alone time with any of these girls. He acts like he is in love with every single one of them and makes out with all of them.
Back at the house the two on one date card arrives and Puppet Master personally wrote a bitchy poem in it that says “Two women, one rose, one stays, one goes. - Chris Harrison” HAHA. All the date cards usually come from Sean so I’m pretty sure CH just thought of that rhyme and refused to let anyone else take credit for it. God bless him.
Sean says he wants to do is snuggle with Catherine. Gross.
Daniella finally gets the balls to go break up their cuddle fest and we find out why this idiot hasn't spoken all season...she doesn't want to interrupt Catherine and Sean because "they're like sitting on each others laps." That is not possible Daniella, so I'm going to let you think about the logistics of what you just said while I pack up your suitcase for you.
Ugh except she's not going anywhere because she cried and Sean felt bad and gave her a rose. Sean is such a pussy! And I feel like that is sending a very confusing message to the teenage girls watching this show. Cry and be pathetic = boys will like you? Trust me girls, what is really going on here is that crying will buy Daniella one more week before she has the world watch an albino Jesus freak Ashton Kutcher wannabe give her an STD then send her packing. Do not try this at home.
Robin looks like she’s part of the Crypts.
Two on One
Yay!!! It's time for the two on one date and apparently leopard print is part of the dress code because both Jackie and Tierra are wearing it.
Bratz gets time with Sean and tells the cameras that she has some good dirt on Tierra. I am expecting something awesome like she’s currently married or was born with a tail, but all Jackie tells him is that Tierra flirted with a guy at the airport. Sean actually seems concerned and if that is grounds for breaking up with someone then I have no hope for love in my life. Then of course Bratz and Sean make out. Should I even bother telling you that?
The three of them head to the most silent dinner date I have ever seen. Sean pulls Tierra aside to have some alone time and she confesses that she was with a guy who was in rehab and Sean immediately says "drug and alcohol rehab?" No Sean candy rehab.
Tierra ends up getting the rose and not even Bratz is surprised. Maybe it’s because she saw the preview for the next episode when Tierra gets hypothermia. Its called a spoiler alert, producers. Sean explains his rose choice to the camera and says that he’s glad Tierra opened up because he’s starting to see why she is so emotional and attaches herself so strongly to men. Ok, is knowing why someone does that a reason to keep them around? Like, even though she has a sad story what about the fact that she is still a clingy lunatic? These people are so stupid.
Speaking of stupid, Sean and Tierra watch some fireworks and she almost cries. Does she not understand that Sean has no hand in paying for or arranging these things? Stop acting like he’s some romantic casanova. He’s a dorky prankster who in 3 weeks will be picking you up in his hatchback and taking you to dinner at Texas Roadhouse.
Cocktail Party
All the girls hate Tierra. Robin goes to talk to her and says shes going to make this the bad girls club. I would think that was funny if I wasn’t legitimately scared of her. But all that happens is Tierra basically ends up fighting with herself.
Sean is finally realizing maybe Tierra is an asshole and he gets wicked tense and stressed about it. So of course Chris Harrison gets to finally enact his favorite role of pretending to be a psychologist and sits down with Sean. He plays the part by asking Sean questions with his hands folded while looking concerned. I love you CH, never change.
Rose Ceremony
And the roses go to...
Selma
Catherine
Leslie
AshLee
Sara
Des
So that means Robin is going home. Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming.
Keep checking back for the next recap very soon! I hear Tierra’s body gets as cold as her heart. See ya then!
With that said, let’s get this party started.
The producers must be reading this blog since they start the episode sans gratuitous nudity from Sean! Instead they give the people what they want and grant us some good old fashioned Chris Harrison showing up with a date card and telling the girls that the dreaded two-on-one date will be this week. Puppet Master is always so giddy to deliver this news, I swear he gets off on the smell of fear in the room. He does soften the blow though by telling the ladies they will now start their worldwide tour beginning in the exotic and magical...
Montana. Hahaha, everyone looks pissed. As they should be! I would seriously ask to stay behind. Can Sean stop making them rough it please? This season looks like Bear Grylls' wet dreams. Who by the way we can add the the list of people who would be a better bachelor than Sean right under the 10 million other names. I actually think I would be a better bachelor than Sean.
Daniella says she is excited to travel with her boyfriend. Umm, I am pretty sure her and Sean have never spoken. Not once.
Bride Lindsay gets the first one on one date! I am excited to get to know her since she seems like a hot mess. A helicopter shows up and for some reason all the girls continue to be impressed by this. There is a helicopter on every single date! It is not impressive or surprising! What is surprising is how gorgeous Montana turns out to be. It’s majestic. Lindsay is appropriately loving the scenery and Sean says he is happy she is so outdoorsy. Sean would hate me. You know my idea of being outdoorsy? Troop Beverly Hills. Now THAT is camping. Great now I can't stop thinking about Girl Scout cookies.
Next Sean and Lindsay land for a picnic on an Indian Burial Ground. Ah yes, nothing says romance quite like the setting of classic love stories such as The Shining, Pet Semetary, and Amityville Horror. They make out and apparently the burial ground powers are real because Sean’s tongue comes back from the dead. Haha sorry. I hate myself.
Back at the house the girls are foaming at the mouth over the arrival of the date card. The group date card comes and everyone but Tierra and Jackie’s names are on it which means that those two have to go on the two on one! Tierra and the Bratz doll?! This is too good to be true. We owe you one Chris Harrison.
Back at the scene of hundreds of unsolved murders Sean gives Lindsay the rose and surprises her with a concert by Sarah Darling. First of all, who is that. Second, this is only episode 5 and we have had to endure three of these awful surprise concerts already! It really can't be that hard to think of new date ideas can it? Here's one I literally just came up with right this second: spa day followed by a bomb dinner. BOOM done and way better than this stupid concert where they have to dance on a platform and make out in front of a crowd of strangers.
Group Date
Ugh Selma is one of those small people that think they can just jump on everyone. And what is she wearing on her head? She looks like she fell head first into an Arden B winter accessory bin.
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| Yikes. |
Red Team: Selma, Robin, Desiree, Sara
Blue Team: Leslie, AshLee, Catherine, Daniella
So the race begins and both teams are off in their canoes. The red team paddles directly into a bush... and then another bush. The blue team is smoking them and docks their canoe so their other teammates can start the hay carrying portion of this shit show. Somehow they fuck up carrying hay and the red team passes them in the wood cutting leg. Both teams are now milking goats and the red team’s goat shows her clear disdain for their handjob skills by kicking over their almost filled milk jar. Haha burned by a goat. Desiree chugs the milk and wins it for the red team. I don’t know why I just told you that play by play as if anyone cares.
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| Do you know how much they charge for goat's milk at Whole Foods? That is a delicacy. |
So the blue team heads home and the rest of the gang heads to a dive bar downtown which is actually cool of them. Finally doing something normal on a date! The producers are not satisfied with the lack of death defying stunts and obstacle courses though so they decide to amp up the drama by having Sean bring the blue team back. So now poor Chris Harrison has to cut his night at the local strip club short and go to the girls’ house to wrangle the losers. He gets there and they are already drinking wine on the couch wearing sweatshirts (which is exactly what I am doing right now as well) but they act like they won the lottery when they find out they have to get up and shower and put on makeup to go meet Sean again. Apparently being desperate gives you a lot of energy. I would be like sorry but I'm in for the night.
Side note Daniella has yet to speak a full sentence this season.
Sean drops the bomb on the red team that the blue team is coming back and you would think he just told them that Valtrex causes rapid weight gain. They are PISSED. Selma might actually stab someone. Desiree is also furious but that I can understand - I would be upset too if I had to endure goat milk induced diarrhea all afternoon.
Umm omg. Tierra shows up out of nowhere in a stolen lumberjack shirt and crashes the group date that the blue team has already crashed. Double crash! I like it. I like it alot. I do have to give this season some credit for not giving a fuck about the rules or common decency. I feel like we have Chris Harrison and his recent divorce combined with 20 years of service to ABC to thank for that so kudos, Puppet Master. Anyways Tierra sneaks up behind Sean while the producers are interviewing him and puts her hands over his eyes and he freezes for a solid 5 seconds without making a move. I think we just saw Sean shit his pants on national television. Then there’s a commercial break and this might be the only time I have ever watched this show and been on the edge of my seat. I am so excited.
We come back and Tierra takes Sean outside to confront him about why she got a 2 on 1. I weirdly kind of like her for doing that, way to speak your mind and bring up the problem, girl. Sean stutters and looks uncomfortable so they make out a little and she goes home. Well that was a lot of buildup for very little pay off. That’s what she said.
It is a complete waste of my time to talk about Sean’s alone time with any of these girls. He acts like he is in love with every single one of them and makes out with all of them.
Back at the house the two on one date card arrives and Puppet Master personally wrote a bitchy poem in it that says “Two women, one rose, one stays, one goes. - Chris Harrison” HAHA. All the date cards usually come from Sean so I’m pretty sure CH just thought of that rhyme and refused to let anyone else take credit for it. God bless him.
Sean says he wants to do is snuggle with Catherine. Gross.
Daniella finally gets the balls to go break up their cuddle fest and we find out why this idiot hasn't spoken all season...she doesn't want to interrupt Catherine and Sean because "they're like sitting on each others laps." That is not possible Daniella, so I'm going to let you think about the logistics of what you just said while I pack up your suitcase for you.
Ugh except she's not going anywhere because she cried and Sean felt bad and gave her a rose. Sean is such a pussy! And I feel like that is sending a very confusing message to the teenage girls watching this show. Cry and be pathetic = boys will like you? Trust me girls, what is really going on here is that crying will buy Daniella one more week before she has the world watch an albino Jesus freak Ashton Kutcher wannabe give her an STD then send her packing. Do not try this at home.
Robin looks like she’s part of the Crypts.
Two on One
Yay!!! It's time for the two on one date and apparently leopard print is part of the dress code because both Jackie and Tierra are wearing it.
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| Tierra's Sketchers Shape Ups complete the look |
Bratz gets time with Sean and tells the cameras that she has some good dirt on Tierra. I am expecting something awesome like she’s currently married or was born with a tail, but all Jackie tells him is that Tierra flirted with a guy at the airport. Sean actually seems concerned and if that is grounds for breaking up with someone then I have no hope for love in my life. Then of course Bratz and Sean make out. Should I even bother telling you that?
The three of them head to the most silent dinner date I have ever seen. Sean pulls Tierra aside to have some alone time and she confesses that she was with a guy who was in rehab and Sean immediately says "drug and alcohol rehab?" No Sean candy rehab.
Tierra ends up getting the rose and not even Bratz is surprised. Maybe it’s because she saw the preview for the next episode when Tierra gets hypothermia. Its called a spoiler alert, producers. Sean explains his rose choice to the camera and says that he’s glad Tierra opened up because he’s starting to see why she is so emotional and attaches herself so strongly to men. Ok, is knowing why someone does that a reason to keep them around? Like, even though she has a sad story what about the fact that she is still a clingy lunatic? These people are so stupid.
Speaking of stupid, Sean and Tierra watch some fireworks and she almost cries. Does she not understand that Sean has no hand in paying for or arranging these things? Stop acting like he’s some romantic casanova. He’s a dorky prankster who in 3 weeks will be picking you up in his hatchback and taking you to dinner at Texas Roadhouse.
Cocktail Party
All the girls hate Tierra. Robin goes to talk to her and says shes going to make this the bad girls club. I would think that was funny if I wasn’t legitimately scared of her. But all that happens is Tierra basically ends up fighting with herself.
Sean is finally realizing maybe Tierra is an asshole and he gets wicked tense and stressed about it. So of course Chris Harrison gets to finally enact his favorite role of pretending to be a psychologist and sits down with Sean. He plays the part by asking Sean questions with his hands folded while looking concerned. I love you CH, never change.
Rose Ceremony
And the roses go to...
Selma
Catherine
Leslie
AshLee
Sara
Des
So that means Robin is going home. Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming.
Keep checking back for the next recap very soon! I hear Tierra’s body gets as cold as her heart. See ya then!
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