Bachelor Sean - Episode Four: This Episode Is Tierra-ble

Tonight's episode begins surprisingly not with Sean half naked working out but with Chris Harrison putting in a solid 5 seconds of work by dropping off the date card in a Barney purple shirt. Way to keep us on our toes, ABC!  Oh wait, nevermind, they just panned to Sean standing in his closet in his boxer briefs. I’m at a loss. There are only so many gay jokes I can do in the first paragraph of these posts.

Thank god he has all those short sleeved button downs to prove his heterosexuality.

The first date card is for Selma and it says “Let’s turn up the heat.”  For some reason all the other girls are in 50 First Dates and wake up every morning forgetting that they are dating Sean along with a shitload of other girls.  Tierra is about to punch someone that she didn’t get the date card and Leslie (not kid sister, the other Leslie) is crying. They seriously all look like they have a suicide hotline on speed dial.

Selma’s Date

Sean says he has had a connection with Selma since night one.  Considering we have never seen them actually speak to one another I am assuming “connection” means him masturbating while thinking about her boobs.

Eyes up here, Grandpa Sean.

Why is Selma wearing workout clothes? Did they not tell her this date would be televised? Sean is dressed like a normal person so this makes no sense.  They get in a limo and Selma somehow manages to turn a conversation about dancing into how much she weighs. There is seriously NOTHING I hate more than a small woman who throws her exact weight into casual conversation. I would throw all 110lbs of you out the window Selma.

Next they go to a private jet and Selma is super excited but Sean keeps telling the cameras they’re not doing anything glamorous for the actual date.  He’s right about that - they land in Joshua Tree National Park aka my worst nightmare.  This place is basically the backdrop for the end of Casino when Joe Pesci gets the shit beat out of him and then dumped in a sandy grave. I would have that jet take me the fuck home.

Selma quote: “I got the limo, then I got the private jet.  Then they took the Iraqi to the desert”.  Hahahaha.  I bet Sean considers this a prank.

Sean tells her they are going rock climbing and Selma is being just about as whiny and annoying as I would be on this god awful date. She asks if a helicopter is going to take them to the top and if it wasn’t for her boobs I think Sean might slap her.  I love that she’s so high maintenance she can’t even fake being fun for one televised date. I actually weirdly respect her for that.

Sean: "You look cute in that helmet." His Grandpa flirting is making this task 10 times worse.

After Selma kicks ass and endures that bullshit date Sean treats her to an extravagant dinner at a Five Star restaurant. Just kidding.  Apparently the lease hasn't run out on Blakely's Bachelor Pad trailer yet because they have to spend the night at that shit hole. I would be super pissed. Is anyone else thinking that Chris Harrison is just like chillaxing at the Four Seasons using up all of ABCs reward points so these poor desperados are stuck camping in the desert? I'm not saying it’s not a brilliant plan, I just think ABCs accountant has some work to do.

TINY hands.  All the better to pull strings with.

Am I the only one sick of looking straight up Selma's nose?

So Selma tells Sean she can’t kiss him on TV because of her Muslim roots and Sean gets the worst documented case of blue balls I’ve ever seen. They keep whispering to each other and it is making my skin crawl. But he obviously gives her a rose.

Group Date

Sean continues to shower his girls with luxurious dates by taking them to a huge warehouse for roller derby. Is Sean white trash? All signs point to yes. Speaking of, I feel like I would be amazing at roller derby because a) I am scrappy and larger than your average Bachelor contestant and b) I spent the majority of my junior high school career at Happy Wheels, the local roller skating rink where you could tell how much fun you had at the end of the night by the size of the knee holes you got in your stirrup leggings. That is actually way more innocent than it sounds. You are a pervert.

Is Lindsay funny or retarded?  I honestly can’t tell.

Amanda is getting a lot of screen time because she lies and tells everyone she has done roller derby before as an intimidation tactic. It’s working but I think her identity stealing and murdering of all your friends is intimidating enough.  I wouldn’t fuck with her.

God, these idiots can't even stand up straight. They're all fucking terrible at any physical activities.

Once again I ask why they are making Sara do this?! Watching people with one arm fall is not fun or funny.  This actually pisses me off because it's an obvious case of her being balanced differently and not having two arms to get herself off the ground with. What's next a knitting competition?! Sean/Bachelor Producers/Chris Harrison you're a dick.

Cocky (and possible closeted lesbian...?) Amanda falls on her face and the producers act like maybe she broke her chin to kill some time.  She’s having a tough time opening her mouth wide and if that’s not a recipe to get sent home I don’t know what is.  Ba dum ching I’m here all night folks!

You're only hurting yourself with these dates Sean.

Just as predicted Amanda gets taken away to the hospital for “precautionary reasons”.  I believe Sean is a born-again but apparently Jesus is cool with BJ’s - Sean's so scared of more girls getting lockjaw he calls off the whole derby and turns it into Happy Wheels circa 1997 complete with couples skating to “Foolish Hearts” by Steve Perry.  Are you impressed or sad for me that I didn't have to google who sings that?

Next they go to the Roosevelt for cocktail hour and the crazy cracks are starting to show in Tierra’s facade.  Robin couldn’t remember which volleyball team Tierra was on so she freaked out?  I don’t understand what is going on.  Before we know it she is talking to a producer about how she wants to go home and cannot continue to be tortured by these girls.  Torture is someone not knowing about your volleyball team?  I was tortured in high school for BEING on the volleyball team and I would have given my left arm to be in Tierra’s position right now.  Shit, sorry Sara.

While this is going on Lindsay and Sean are making out and getting ready to go in the hot tub together, but Tierra comes out of nowhere and cockblocks the shit out of the drunk bride with her crying.  Sean talks to her in a pitch black hallway for a little while and then leaves to get the rose for Tierra.  What a pussy!  Right when he is out of sight Tierra looks at the camera and gives it a devious smile straight out of Paranormal Activity.  I am legit terrified.  She is a psycho.

Before.

After.  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE SEAN.

Leslie’s Date

Tim Curry woman of color gets a one on one!  The date card came with a pair of hideous diamond earrings that she is insanely excited about and I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand how Neil Lane jewelry borrowing works. You don't get to keep those.

Sean shows up in a vest and takes Leslie to Rodeo Drive to go shopping.  He is comparing the date to Pretty Woman and the irony of this is not lost.  He apparently thinks that every woman fantasizes about being Vivian Ward. I would have to disagree. Being a hooker has never been my fantasy no matter how many diamonds that ho ended up with. I'm pretty sure that in real life being a prostitute includes a lot less diamonds and lot more STDs and heroin addictions than is portrayed in that classic rom-com.

They go to Badgley Mischka and Leslie proceeds to pick out the most hideous dresses in the world to try on.  I’m pretty sure the only runways those dresses have seen are Fashion Bug runways.  Also, Leslie is WAY too impressed by this baloney and keeps saying the dorkiest phrases like “Holy Moly Batman!”  That’s what we call a boner killer, Leslie. Stop it!

She settles on a knee length gray taffeta dress with beading on the top and a huge ass bow. Awesome. Then Neil Lane shows up to show us his spray tan and to let her borrow some more jewelry.  Is anyone else convinced that Chris Harrison witnessed Neil Lane murdering someone and has been blackmailing him to give them diamonds for this show ever since?  It is the only logical explanation.

Oh snap she gets to keep the earrings! I'll admit when I'm wrong.

Also, Leslie you seem like a very nice girl and you and Sean are nice to each other but let me tell you right now you do not have a chance in HELL of winning this.  Take your ugly fancy dress and your hideous diamond earrings, go home, put that shit on eBay, wait for the crazies (Paige) to bid ridiculous amounts for it, sell it for a tidy profit, and use $30 of that for a match.com profile. The end.

Sean's face here is what we call "foreshadowing"

So anyways they go to a fancy dinner in a warehouse of sorts (?) and I am actually attracted to Sean in a tux.  I can’t believe I just said that.  He is basically asking her standard interview questions about love and it seems like he is looking for a flaw.  She is answering pretty well though so Sean is forced to just tell the cameras that he isn't feeling her and can't figure out why.  There is a big racist elephant in this room.  

Back at the house Tierra is eating Doritos off a salad plate.

Sean finally just cuts to the chase and sends Leslie home without a rose.  I knew this would happen!  Leslie is pretty pissed but holds it together for the cameras.  You would think the date would be over now but apparently the producers already put the deposit down on another C list singer/songwriter so they let him play his set while Sean aimlessly wanders the halls alone. HOLY SHIT then they show Sean dramatically dropping the rose like 4 stories and slow motion hitting the ground. Petals go flying.  I hate you Bachelor producers. I hate you so, so much.


Final Cocktail

Tierra is so fucking stupid. It’s really annoying that they are focusing on her being the villain and not on finding some stucco to fill in the dent on her forehead. Seriously, what the fuck is that?!

Robin gets some alone time with Sean and flirts with him by asking him if he wants to taste chocolate before kissing him and I throw up in my mouth.  I don't know that I will ever be the same after witnessing that.

AshLee is the dark horse of this competition.  She plays it cool and is the only one I think Sean actually likes.  They make out and he tells her he thinks about her as much as she thinks about organizing her adoption papers.

Ughhh I really hate this part of the show.  I just realized like 10 minutes went by and I have no idea what happened.  I think Sean talked to Tierra?  And she is fighting with Robin and the Bratz doll?  I don't know.

Vegan Catherine and Sean make out. All they talk about with each other is how hot they think each other are.  Is it bad I think thats a pretty good basis for a relationship?

I can tell it’s almost time for the rose ceremony because this is just about the time I run out of wine.

Rose Ceremony

Tierra and Selma already have roses.  The remaining roses go to...

Catherine - vegan
Des - bridal consultant
Lindsay - drunk bride
Leslie -Kid Sis
Robin - chocolate
AshLee - organizer, dark horse
Sara - one arm
Jackie -  Bratz
Daneilla - who?

Oh snap this means Lockjaw Amanda is going home! Hahaha Sean is a perv! Amazing.

Next week - 2 nights?  This better be worth it.  It looks like Sean makes someone go rock climbing again and Tierra has to have an ambulance called again. So basically more of them same exact thing that happens every week. Remind me to get some vodka. See you then!

Bachelor Sean - Episode Three: "Let’s Ditch These Bitches And Go Fall In Love For Real"

Well there is a clear formula to this season and it starts with scene one - Sean working out shirtless.  The camera literally pans his entire body slowly from calves to chest.  Give us some credit ABC.

Chris Harrison shows up at the house in a Canadian Tuxedo to drop off the first date card. Robyn tells us she is praying that it’s for her and that the card reads, “Let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.” Robyn, I was on your side when you were doing back flips in your apartment and falling all over the Bachelor House driveway but now I am on the fence leaning heavily towards hating you. Also, Vampire Diaries called and Bonnie wants her face back.

The date goes to Leslie M (also known as Kid Sister) and the card says, “How long will this love last?” Umm my guess is not very long. Three more episodes tops.

Leslie’s Date

I wonder what craaaazy pranks Sean has in mind for today!!! I would be very careful if you have to pee Leslie, there will definitely be plastic wrap on the toilet seat.

Sean takes Leslie to the Guinness World Record Hall of fame and Kid Sis is pretty pissed about it.  Girlie expected helicopters.  It turns out that Sean’s dad is actually a world record holder and shockingly it’s not for spawning the worst bachelor America has ever seen. The record itself is actually so boring I don't feel like telling you about it.

Speaking of boring, Sean tells Leslie they are going to break their own record and that normally he would “wait until the evening to crank up the romance, but today we’re starting a little earlier.” How sexy and spontaneous of you, Sean.  He is totally the guy that only has sex at night in bed with all the lights off only after both parties have showered.  Then of course he says that this date will be “one for the record books” and even I don’t approve that pun.

Puppet Master is working overtime this week in a vest.  Yay!  There is a very short red carpet and about 40 gross tourists gathered round to see Leslie and Sean break the record for the world’s longest on-screen kiss.  That sounds kind of awful but she should be thanking her lucky stars shes not with eat-your-face-Ari.

Somehow the existing record is only for 3 minutes and 51 seconds?  That seems short - I don’t know why these lovebirds are so nervous about it.  I broke that record at the bar in front of just as many people this weekend.  Granted, I had just consumed about 12 vodka sodas so that helped ease the awkwardness.  Or maybe not since I was politely asked to leave.

This kiss is the lamest, creepiest thing I have ever witnessed.  They are showing us the full 4 minutes and they are doing the entire thing closed-mouth!  Sean looks like his robot batteries died at minute 1 and he is stuck in the same awkward kiss/embrace hold and Leslie just keeps running her hands through his hair while smirking. So let me get this straight Sean and Leslie - you have no problem frenching like crazy when there’s just a camera crew from a network prime time television show there, but add in some tourists and suddenly it’s in poor taste to shove your tongues down each other’s throats??  These people came for a show and you give them nothing!  How rude.

She is literally kissing her grandmother with that mouth.

Next Sean and Leslie head out to have drinks on top of a building.  Seriously, the Bachelor producers cannot get enough of dates on rooftops! Like LA has this beautiful, widely recognized skyline or something. I am pretty sure it does not.

Ugh Leslie says she loved high school and junior high and was kind of a nerd. If you were a nerd there is no way you would have liked either of those things. Then she wisens up and starts talking about how much she loves her family which is basically dirty talk for Sean.  She also tells him that he makes her nervous, and Grandpa Sean responds that he’s glad he makes her nervous since she made him feel uncomfortable when she came out of the limo.  Allow me to refresh your memory - she had the stupid football routine where she checked out his butt.  That’s nothing Sean!  Grow a personality.  THAT made you uncomfortable but being the Bachelor doesn’t?  Time for a priority adjustment.  Your life is embarrassing.

Sean ends up offering her a rose and they continue their close mouthed kissing on the roof and then a confetti gun goes off? Wtf? Were the producers like, you know what would make this rooftop date REALLY romantic? A mother fucking confetti gun!! Yea!!

Group Date

There’s 12 girls on this and I’m not going to name them.  

AshLee the Adopted Organizer is not one of them and says that she's glad she's not going because it will probably involve some sort of activity. Umm have you seen this show before?  Every date involves an activity, and it’s usually life threatening.  She is going to have a rude awakening when her date comes around and she has to like skydive into shark infested waters.

The group date begins and its just them hanging out on the beach. Not even a private beach, like a public park. Gross. Oh thank god, Chris Harrison shows up (in long pants and a button down shirt of course - he looks like he is officiating a beach wedding) and tells them that they’re going to be playing beach volleyball. Ugh, if I were there this would be the point that I fake an ailment and offer to go on a smoothie run for the team instead. Everyone likes smoothies. No one likes team sports.

Wow they are all really terrible at volleyball. My friend texted saying it is “the most pathetic feat of athleticism” and that is an understatement.  

Did they all get their bathing suits at a Rainbow in Orlando?

So Kacie B’s team wins and the other losers have to go home and Kristy is actually fucking crying.  She needs to get it together.  Ahh then Leslie H starts crying too! Is Puppet Master going to like beat the shit out of them for losing when they get back to the house or something? I’m not following.

The winning team gets to go back with Sean to his “house”. I love that they are pretending like Sean isn’t just living on the other side of the Bachelor House like bunking with Chris Harrison.

Lindsay the drunk bride is laying it on THICK.  She gets Sean alone and tells him she is amazed by him and that he’s everything she wants.  I’m learning that Sean is a real big sucker for compliments like that because he is eating that shit up and makes out with her.  I think I actually saw some tongue there for a second! That’s like third base for Sean. Although I could be wrong since once again the lighting guy has apparently quit without notice and we actually can’t see a fucking thing.

Back at the House...

The 2nd date card arrives and Tierra reads it and plays a trick where she said its AshLee and Selma going on a date together but it’s really just for AshLee. Uh oh, we might have just found Sean’s soul mate - another prankster! It’s seriously the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen UNTIL Sara makes a huge deal about how you don’t joke about names being on date cards. Way to be uptight Sara.  I bet you would also tell me its not cool to joke about how you only have one arm.  Sensitive Sally.

Back on the Group Date...

Amanda is talking to Sean and she is being annoying and they keep panning to the rest of the girls talking about how creepy she is. I am not going to lie, I am kind of getting a “The Roommate” vibe and she’s definitely Leighton Meester. That might not be the best reference since I’m pretty sure I’m the only one that saw that movie, but basically what I’m getting at is that if you chose to live with her she would steal your identity and kill all your friends.

Kacie B. tries to be strategic but essentially throws away her chance at a rose by telling Sean about how Desiree thinks Amanda is creepy. Why is she telling him this? Doesn’t she remember how well this kind of thing went over with Ben?  Bachelors don’t care about drama between the girls, they just want to have their way with them in the fantasy suites and then send them home before they realize they have crabs.  So this conversation is going predictably bad and Sean flat out asks her why she’s telling him this, so Kacie makes a last ditch effort to spin this into something about how she can’t be herself?  It makes her sound stupid and Sean actually tells her she is acting like a crazy person!!! OMG I would die. I will bet myself one bottle of wine that this idiot is going home tonight. (win win situation)

The end of the group date has arrived and Sean gives the rose to drunk bride Lindsay and Kacie looks on while simultaneously smiling and crying, which doesn’t do her forehead wrinkles any favors.  Creeptastic.

AshLee’s Date
Back at the other side of the house it’s the next day and AshLee the Adopted Organizer is getting ready for her date and wearing a tablecloth. Things are pretty normal until all of a sudden you hear a scream and some thumping which is Tierra falling down the stairs.  She can’t get up and the producers do not move a muscle to help her.  Hahahahahaha.  She is literally just laying on the stairs and eventually Sean shows up and calls an ambulance. She seems really hurt and I feel bad for her for a minute before she starts being an asshole to the EMT’s! Why didn’t she say like, “oh hey guys you don’t need to call an ambulance, I’m ok!” instead of basically playing dead until help arrived then magically waking up and being a dick. She doesn’t end up going to the hospital which is a sly move though because now Sean has forgotten all about AshLee and her tablecloth and is just chilling with Tierra. 

Is she falling or napping?

Finally Sean remembers he has a date with the organizer and takes her to 6 Flags.  Uh oh AshLee, sounds like an activity.  They have the whole park to themselves and awwwww, Sean goes through a charity to include 2 girls suffering chronic illnesses.  Good luck talking about your adoption after this, Ash.  They are online best friends who are meeting each other for the first time.  They are so excited and the cutest people ever and I must say AshLee is being really cool with them and so is Sean.  It’s adorable.  Aaaaand now I’m crying.

But my tears dry up real fast when I learn that I am going to have to suffer through a Bachelor concert.  It’s the Eli Young Band which Sean says is his “favorite band.”  Its the biggest lie he’s told since telling Kacie he liked her as more than a friend last week.  

Finally that’s over, and Sean and AshLee get some alone time to drink and talk.  AshLee tells Sean that she was abused in a foster home and adopted at age 6 when her adoptive father found her at a gas station. Well I’m a huge asshole.  She wants to adopt an older child which is really nice and I guess Sean does too.  This is cute.  AshLee the Organizer might go farther than I thought, I kind of want her to win now.  Sean starts crying and I kind of am too and oh god what is happening.  AshLee obviously gets a rose.

Final Rose Cocktail

Back at Chez de Harrison, the cocktail party and arguably worst part of the show begins. They all have some serious mixed drinks and it makes me wonder if they maybe have a mixologist in the group? I swear I saw a mojito.

Sean surprises Sara by having her dog arrive in a limo and I am so confused. Did they talk a lot about her dog? How did I miss that? This show makes no sense.

Sean and Tierra go off alone and what the hell is happening on her forehead?!  Is that a wound from the stairs?  It looks like she has been pressing a beaded necklace into her head for about 3 days straight.  As they are talking Desiree steals him away and Tierra works herself up into a crazy frenzy and steals him back, which starts this big long annoying chain of everyone stealing Sean after like 30 seconds of sitting down with someone and it’s stupid.

Kacie B is wearing a scuba suit and a Snookie pouf. She gets about 15 seconds to apologize for being a crazy idiot before AshLee and Selma interrupt. Sean is definitely not letting her off the hook though and gets in some time to tell her they took a few steps backwards.  Rut roh.  

Rose Ceremony

This room looks like a Cache ad.

Sean immediately pulls Kacie aside in an overly dramatic act to tell her that he respects her too much to have her go through another rose ceremony, and that he thinks they should just be friends. Keep in mind he is holding a rose as he is telling her this. Holy. Shit. That is embarrassing. The good news is that I win and owe myself a bottle of wine. Kacie keeps it composed for the ride to the airport interview thank god. Her exit from Ben’s season was less than graceful.

The remaining roses go to:

Tierra - for falling down the stairs into some beads
Leslie H - really?  She has still has not an ounce of screen time
Catherine - I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen her before.  Oh she’s the vegan who likes beef
Daniella - still don’t know the difference between her and Taryn
Robyn - acrobat dork
Selma - will make it to top 4 based off looks alone
Sara - one arm who can’t take jokes
Jackie - the Bratz doll.  Has also had zero screen time
Amanda - she is hideous and will kill you in your sleep
Desiree - obviously.

So model Kristie and Taryn are going home.  This means we might see less crying and I will be able to tell who Daniella is!

Next week: Selma gets to go on a private jet! And it looks like Tierra continues her mission of becoming the stupidest villain the Bachelor has ever seen.  Stay tuned!

Bachelor Sean - Episode Two: Tacky Ho's Are A Dime A Dozen

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Bachelor Sean - Episode One: Kind Of A Bumski

Hello again old friends!

I would like to start this season out by saying that up until the show started I was still holding onto the hope that the producers were just punking us and the REAL Bachelor was actually Bentley from Ashley’s season.  But unfortunately my dreams were crushed when Sean first appeared to us wearing a cable knit cardigan.  His intro is quite possibly the most boring in Bachelor history, and the producers must realize this because they tried to distract us by having him run around shirtless the whole time.  I am ashamed to admit that it’s kind of working on me and I’m feeling a little tingly for that Ken doll with a spray tan.

Is it just me or has each intro had the Bachelor or Bachelorette skipping stones while looking wistfully at the ocean? Someone research that.

Ooo surprise visit by Ari!  They bro out by pouring some light beers in glasses and sitting down to chat on Anthropologie lawn chairs.  What a couple of pussies.  Their “man talk” involves Sean saying “will you accept this rose” in a variety of voices.  He is going to burst a vein trying this hard to have a personality.  Things get even worse when Sean thinks it's a good idea to ask Ari for kissing advice and I cannot believe my eyes or my ears.  I have a problem with this for a few reasons:  1) Ari is well documented to be one of the worst kissers I have ever seen on tv.  He is a lip licker and a face eater!  Do NOT ask him for kissing advice!  2) Not even girls do this. 3) Sean, you’re 28.  You should know how to kiss by now.  Jesus.

Uh oh Sean, I think Ari slipped some of his love potion in your Zima.

Now it's show time!  Time to meet some of the ladies and I am SO EXCITED.  We finally get to see our old pal Chris Harrison, and did he lose some LB’s?  Lookin slim Puppet Master!  All the better to hide under the fantasy suite beds.

First we meet Desiree, a 26 year old Bridal Stylist.  She will be absolutely nuts. There is no way you can be single, work at a bridal salon for 8 hours a day surrounded by wedding dresses, and not go absolutely Fatal Attraction crazy. Trust me, I worked at a mexican jewelry store one summer in college and by fall I looked like the Chiquita banana lady.

Next is Tierra, a 24 year old Leasing Agent, two time broken heart loser, and possible Chico’s model. This chick loses her mind when she finds out the Bachelor is Sean and I swear to god the first thing she says, actually, squeals is “HE’S FAMILY ORIENTED!”  Woah, lady. Cool your ovaries.

Now we have Robyn, 24, in Sales and Engineering.  Forehead. That’s all I got from her interview. Also, I wish my apartment was large enough to do back flips in. Also, I wish I could do a backflip.

Next we meet Dianna, a 31 year old Salon Owner with two kids, aka the “token mom”. She seems nice but has Audrina Patridge dead eyes.

Sara, a 26 year old Ad Designer is next.  She looks like she is lying about that and is actually in Skinemax movies.  Oh shit, now I’m an asshole because she only has one arm.  She actually seems very nice and I am rooting for her.

Now we see Ashley P., a 28 year old hair stylist.  She’s pretty...or is she?  Really depends on the lighting with this one.  And If you have to say “I have no idea why I’m single” then there is a very good reason why you are single and the fact that you can’t figure it out is terrifying. For example, I know I am single because I found a candy bar wrapper in my boot the other day and I write a blog about the Bachelor.  It's not rocket science.  ln Ashley P’s case I’m pretty sure that it’s because she’s in crazy cat lady phase three and reads 50 Shades Of Grey in alone in bed with a camera crew there.  But homegirl is some good tv - my inner goddess just rejoiced that this trainwreck was brought into our lives!

Next is Leslie, 25, Political Consultant.  I think Sean will like this one - she’s southern and blonde and that’s about it.  She looks much better with sunglasses on than off.

We briefly meet Kristie, a 25 year old “Ford Model”.  She looks to be more like 45 and is most certainly in an inappropriate sexual relationship with her trainer.

Last but not least we get a peek inside the life of AshLee, a 32 year old “Professional Organizer”.  Wtf you can get paid for that?!  She also happens to be a complete PSYCHO who has some baggage over being adopted that makes her organize the shit out of everything.  Side note, do you get like extra points with the casting directors if you spell your name like a fucking asshole?


The First Meetings

Why is the driveway of the Bachelor house always wet? I can’t help but think it’s because they just have to constantly hose down the whole house to get rid of the body fluids and stench of Drakar Noir.

I really like Sean’s suit.  He must think since Emily picked Jef the only way to get a girl is skinny ties, and he may be right.  He is super nervous and I am finding it endearing.  What is wrong with me?!

The limo is pulling up!  Here we go....

AshLee F - 32 - Personal Organizer we just met.  She should be very mad at whoever “organized” her hair. Girlie’s got a case of the Rachel.

Jackie - 25 - Cosmetics consultant.  She is wearing the first of many sequined dresses we will see tonight and also happens to look exactly like a Bratz doll.  She says she wants to “put her mark on” Sean and slaps on some lipstick on before kissing him on the cheek.  Sean acts like a grandfather being bashful with a hot little dish and it's gross.

Selma - 29 - Real Estate Developer.  Looks kind of like Ashley Greene and knows her best assets if ya know what I mean.  She happens to have a tissue that looks to be about 10 years old in her cleavage and uses it to wipe off Seans lipstick from the Bratz doll.  Well this whole sequence was clearly planned.

Leslie - 29 - Poker Dealer.  She looks like if Tim Curry was a young woman of color and she calls Sean a hunk! Haha, I am bringing that back. Leslie, you are now on my good side.

Daniella - 24 - Commercial Casting Associate.  Looks like Brandi Glanville’s crackwhore sister. You know what’s cool? Handshakes. Not.

Kelly - 28 - Cruise Ship Entertainer.  Hot mess.  I am 99% sure she is wearing a wig made of Barbie plastic hair and her dress was bought at a Forever 21 in Reno.  And she has a song for us! This ought to be good. Oh my god. She is singing really intense country like 13 inches from Sean’s face, he must be shitting his pants right now.

If Carrie Underwood was a Cruise Ship Entertainer.

Katie - 27 - Yoga Instructor.  I predict she will last the night based on profession alone, but her hair is channelling Irene from Real World Seattle and it's not ok.  And put on some shoes you idiot.

Ashley P - the 50 Shades freak - aka Jennifer Coolidge version 2.0 (google it) straight up whips out a tie from her cleavage. (Which is held up by sequined dress #2). Sean once again acts like a flattered geriatric and you can tell he doesn’t really get the reference.  Probably because they don’t sell 50 Shades of Grey at the Christian bookstore.

BK Lounge's new BFF!

Taryn - 30 - Health Club Manager.  Shes playing it pretty cool and says she didn't watch his season and I like her style.  Not her actual style - shes wearing blue eyeshadow and a Ramona Singer style blue satin evening gown - her mack style.  

Catherine - 26 - Graphic Designer.  Sequined dress #3!  She’s cute and they just tell each other how hot they are and then she goes inside.

Robyn - Acrobat with a Forehead - HOLY SHIT she tries to do flips over to him and it starts out well but quickly dissolves to shit when she falls on the second one and is just sitting in one of the many Bachelor driveway puddles in sequined dress #4.  I am embarrassed for her but as someone who has vast experience with handling the aftermath of humiliating situations, I would say she did pretty well.  B+.

Lacey - 24 - Grad Student.  She looks like she’s from Florida and moonlights as an escort.  She gives him a lace heart to keep in his pocket and it's stupid.

Paige - Omg Paige from Bachelor Pad 3!!!  She got voted off first and all we ever wrote about her was that she looked like an extra on Gray’s Anatomy, which is still true.  She is obviously crazy since she keeps going on these shows, and you can tell Sean is immediately turned off that she was on Bachelor Pad.  As he should be.  She’s not lasting the night.

Tierra - crazy lady who loves family values.  She is wearing an absolutely hideous dress and shows Sean a tattoo heart on her finger that she wants him to “complete”.  The producers then tell Sean to sketchily go inside and make her wait in the driveway without any explanation and that is just rude.  She thinks she might be going home and this might be more suspenseful for us viewers if they hadn't just shown her in all the previews of the upcoming season.  Sean gives her a rose and I must say this was really poorly done on Sean’s part - he doesn’t seem remotely into any of these girls and if I’m going to have to watch this robot fake emotions all season I am going to be PISSED. *robot tear*

But wow Sean giving Tierra that rose was like throwing a bucket of chum into shark infested waters. The girls inside the house are literally stabbing her with their eyes.

Amanda - 26 - Fit Model.  Looks like if Alanis Morissette was born a boy.  She tells Sean they should have an awkward pause to get it out of the way, which is one of the very few intros I don’t hate, but it's still not the best way to start since it's Sean and there will be plenty of those to look forward to.

Keriann - 29 - Entrepreneur aka unemployed.  Which is why she had to drive 2,000 miles to go on the Bachelor.  She has had some plastic surgery.

Des - crazy Bridal Stylist.  She brought pennies to make a wish in the fountain and as far as cheesy first meets on the Bachelor go, I don't hate this one so much either, but I hope they’re wishing for syphilis because that’s pretty much the only wish that house will grant.  The way Sean says he’s excited to talk to her more sounds like an uncle who can’t wait to hear about her semester abroad.

Sara - one arm.  They don’t address it which is nice.

Brooke - 25 - Community Organizer.  She looks like she sings in Blues lounges from the 40's and has a gangster ex boyfriend who she fights with while smoking Virginia Slims and wearing silky robes.

Diana - Token Mom - You own a salon and you chose a fishtail side braid?

Lesley - the Southern blonde that doesn't look good without sunglasses.  She brought a football and plays lame joke where she looks at Sean’s butt.  Do women actually check out guys asses? I don’t get the appeal and just assumed it was something that only happened on sitcoms.

Kristy - the model. Not fooling anyone with that spray tan.  But God, Sean has zero sense of humor - she jokes about not inviting the other girls and hes like “well there might be some other girls here.”  He is such a fucking dweeb.

Ashley - “Fashion Model” - Nice eyeshadow little mermaid.  You get the “most closely resembling a toddlers and tiara contestant” award, and your baby talk is not helping.

Lauren - 27 - Journalist.   She tells Sean she has a “close knit Italian family.”  I am surprised it has taken this long for someone on the show to say that.  Something tells me Sean is going to end up with a horse head in his bed after a night in the fantasy suite with this one.

Lindsay - 24 - Sub teacher.  She's wearing a wedding dress and kisses Sean on the mouth and he almost has a heart attack he is so appalled. I like her. I like her a lot. 

Chrystal Harris and Hugh Heffner

I miss Kalon.

So we think we are done with intros but then Puppet Master Chris Harrison comes out to tell us there is one more surprise contestant.  Another limo pulls up and all we see is a pair of really good legs and I’m thinking maybe it's Michelle Money but no it's....

Kacie B. from Ben’s season!  I am pretty excited about this because I actually liked her and think she would be a good match for Sean even though she might have an eating disorder and her dad is like the mom in Carrie.  She is looking a little more rough than I remembered though - someone has been living in LA and watching Pretty Woman.


The Cocktail Party

Sean addresses the women like a motivational speaker and I am CONVINCED he will not fall in love on this show. Or in real life. Robots cannot feel, did no one else watch Small Wonder?! I wish V.I.C.I. ( "Voice Input Child Identicant" for all those who didn't grow up in the 80’s) was a contestant, then he might actually find romance.

I love how Ashley P says she would rather die than wear a wedding dress on the show. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones Ashley “50 shades” P.

Sean and Desiree talk and it's fine and boring.  But then he gives her a rose!  And he doesn’t stop there - Organized Adopted AshLee is next, followed by Selma, Forehead Robyn, and Jackie the Bratz doll.  I feel like he’s trying to show us that he’s not afraid to break the rules, but it would have been cooler if we hadn’t seen him ask Chris Harrison for permission like he was getting a bathroom pass in Jr. High.  

Did someone tell these girls that boys will like you if you talk about football?

Uh oh, the bride is shitfaced and trying to recover from the awkwardness of her wearing a wedding dress but is just making things horrifyingly worse by hanging on Sean and trying to kiss him...again. Sean is 2 seconds away from calling the producers to save him by restraining her.

Ashley 50 Shades is also hammered and dancing without any music and I really hope she isn’t destroying her chances of staying because she is my favorite.  She interrupts Paige for some alone time with Sean and as soon as she she sits down with him she takes the tie out from her dress.  What happens next is shocking but ladies and gentlemen (who am I kidding, just ladies) Sean says something funny!!!  Right when she pulls out the tie he says he also brought a rape whistle and I lol.  Good one blondie.

Can I just take a second to say how happy I am that the producers let the girls drink their body weight in alcohol on this show?

This happened after she fell down those stairs.  I'm not kidding.

God I forgot how long this show is.  I’m right where I always am when I lose steam and just can't wait for it to be over, so I’m not going to provide details but Taryn cries and Sean gives Sara with one arm a rose and I tear up and hate myself.  


Rose Ceremony

Finally we are at the rose ceremony and 12 already have roses so we only have to watch 7!  It’s a late Christmas gift from our favorite elf Chris Kringle Harrison.

Which reminds me, I would very much like to see Chris Harrison drunk. I bet he’s fun and his secrets could sink ships.

The rest of the roses go to: Amanda (Alanis Morissette), Lesley M. (football, only looks good in sunglasses), Kacie B (yay!), Kristy (45 year old model), Daniella (escort who makes up handshakes), Taryn (the crier I thought I liked in the blue eyeshadow), and last but not least Lindsay, the crazy drunk bride!  What an upset!

Well friends that's all she wrote...or is it???  The best part of the entire show happens after the part where the producers show you absolutely everything that will happen this season, and we get to see our soul mate Ashley “50 Shades” P give her final interview after getting kicked off.  She says it was “kind of a bumski” then shows the cameras her ass while telling Sean what he is missing.  It is the best 2 minutes of your entire life, that I can promise.  I will miss her, but won’t cry because it's over, I will smile because it's happened.  One love AshP.

Next week: AshLee organizes the medicine cabinet and wonders which comes first, Herpes or Hepatitis A.  See you then!