Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree - Finale Part One: Can Just One Person Pronounce Antigua Right Please?

The television event recap of the summer starts...RIGHT NOW.


We start off with everyone in the Caribbean, which apparently is the setting for the “most dramatic finale in Bachelor history.” If I know anything at all about this franchise, and unfortunately I know a LOT, it’s that everyone should keep their expectations set very low. We all know these producers are just marketing geniuses with very little understanding of the meanings of the words “shocking”, “dramatic”, “exciting", or "heterosexual". Expect to have your hopes and dreams crushed at the end of these two hours.


I wonder if Drew can still use Grinder in Antigua?


Oh god, are they seriously making us watch a fucking recap?! Last episode was ALL recaps!!! We also have to watch her talk about the guys as we see all of the dates she went on and I never fully realized how annoying Chris is. Just like absolutely obnoxious.



Drew’s Date


Ok now that it’s a solid 15 minutes into the show, it’s actually time to start. Drew is up first and greets her by prancing to her in a style that would be best categorized as the Phoebe Buffet meets Richard Simmons run. And omg their date is to go exploring! Again?! How many more of these event-less dates are we going to be subjected to?? However, Des does let Drew drive the Jeep which leads me to believe Brooks chose never to drive this season because of his hurt finger. You know it's bad when Drew does something more masculine than you.


They head to some sort of festival and are buying up a bunch of souvenirs including some fancy scarves for Drew (I’m not kidding), but my favorite came from an old guy weaving palms reeds into shapes. So of course there is a rose but then he crafts them a heart and sets a rule that Drew has to give it to Des and then kiss her, but if it’s sloppy they’ve got to do it over. Haha, what kind of amazing rule is that? While they are awkwardly making out the old man keeps saying “kiss, kiss, intense” and maybe Chris Harrison was right - that was pretty amazing. Thank you, you toothless old perv, you made my night.


Next they go on a walk down a little path and Drew says “What is this, a secret garden?” Aka his favorite book. These GT's (gay tendencies) are getting totally out of control.


Later their beach picnic is washed out by the rain so they make out under an umbrella for a very long time. I am impressed with Drew's restraint to not just belt out Singin’ In The Rain show tunes right now. You know that must be hard for him. So because they have to skip dinner Des just takes him straight to the fantasy suite! Wow I did not expect that. She doesn’t even bother with the whole “let’s just talk” baloney and pretty much admits she brought him there to bone him. Drew pretends to be excited and I’m pretty sure he read a Danielle Steel novel right before this date to prepare for sexy times with a woman. He is ready to be "passionate and intimate" with these "overwhelming feelings." Sure you are.


Des says Drew makes her feel like a princess. Yea, Queens tend to do that.


This is so awkward...the cameras stay in the room for a very long time while Des and Drew sit facing each other on the bed, making out but not really touching. It’s like every girl’s first kiss at sleepaway camp. I can’t watch. Finally Drew tells them they have to leave and I think we all know Desiree got a rude awakening when their evening became slipping into their jammies, opening a bottle of rose, and watching Urban Cowboy starring a hot young John Travolta.


Back in Salt Lake City...


Brooks gets his own little segment back in Utah - fancy.  He is freaking out about the fantasy suite date and needs to talk to him mom and his sister about it. Gross. Looks like we're going to get to see Brooks experience the birds and the bees talk at age 30.

Brooks tells them that he's uncomfortable with the idea of proposing at the end of this and that he doesn't want to say he loves her. Well he's known her for like 6 weeks so thats not ridiculous. Actually he just knows her so its not ridiculous. But in all seriousness, it’s completely fine to not want to propose to someone you don’t love and it’s nice to see someone have a voice of reason in this shit show of a television empire.



Chris’ Date


Back in Antigua, Chris and Des go on a date and Des apparently has taken up crocheting because she is wearing khakis (!!) and a DISGUSTING vest that is mostly cheap yarn and fringe. I seriously cannot say enough bad things about this vest. It looks like a potholder from a Woodstock gift shop that she stole from someone’s dirty hippy granny. The rest of the date is a blur for me because all I can think about is that horrible fucking vest.


They go to dinner (sans vest) where Chris points out that they've known each other 2 months, so Des says "ok lets talk future!" I know you're probably really sick of me talking about how INSANE all this is, but I can't help it. This is insane.


Chris brings up a job opportunity that he wants to take in Seattle and I feel like these people are taking this show too seriously. Let's get this straight - your job after this show is to have fake fights in public and try to make the cover of In Touch for one more week while you’re still relevant. After that all you have to look forward to is your televised wedding and eventual break up or a lifetime of showing up randomly on the Bachelor. If you were actually worried about your career perhaps “contestant on the Bachelorette” isn’t the best addition to your resume.


Anyways - it takes Des about 20 minutes to spit out that she would move to Seattle. There is no need for this show to be 2 hours. Des gives Chris the fantasy card and he says, and I quote, "It would be a great chance to get alone time with you. And if we do I definitely want to watch the stars." If I were Des I think I would kill him in his sleep.


They go to the fantasy suite which turns out to be more of a fantasy hut, and of fucking course Chris has poetry that he wrote for this occasion. I hope it’s called “Pumped To Fuck In A Hut". It’s not so I lose interest. Then they bang in the pool.



Brooks “Date”


Here goes nothin’.


Brooks calls over Dr. Harrison for a quick unlicensed therapy session.  Puppet Master shows up in Desiree’s khakis and a very purple plaid button down with sneakers, acting kind of annoyed that he had to leave the island casino to be on camera with Brooks.

Never change, Ch. Never change.




Brooks tells CH that he's not sure if he's in love with Des and that he wants to leave.  CH tries to convince him to just go to the fantasy suite and see how he feels after - best wingman ever Puppet Master! It doesn't work though and Brooks essentially says he will never love Des. Burn. Chris Harrison/Freud asks if this could have anything to do with his parents divorce and questions if Brooks even wants to be in love. Like it’s crazy for him to possibly just not like Des. Come on CH you know better than this. Also, this chat is going on for far too long. Let’s get to the heartbreak.


Finally it’s break up time. Des put on her best silk tie dye midriff and is super excited to hang out with Brooks. They are really setting this up well by playing sound clips of Des saying how much she loves him and that she would say yes if he asked her to marry him. Note for future Bachelorettes: If all of a sudden the producers are like “ So you love so and so don’t you, it’s ok you can tell us! You would marry him right?” Choose someone else immediately because your ass is about to get DUMPED.


They sit down on a bench to talk and Des knows something bad is happening because she starts crying before he even says anything. I am surprised at how bad I feel for her - Des is boring with no social skills but she's a nice person and doesn't deserve this. Getting broken up with by someone you like a little bit in the comfort of your own home without an audience is tough - I can't imagine that going down with someone I think I love on camera. Des just focus on when he broke his finger, that will get you over this in no time.


Woah - this is intense. Touche, Chris Harrison. Tou-fucking-che. Brooks is being typically pussy and not just spitting out that he doesn’t want to be with her and Des is experiencing all of the stages of grief right before our eyes. I am glued to my screen.


Is that nail polish color called "corpse"?



Des is a full on blotchy crying mess curled up in a ball and I want to give her a hug, a huge glass of wine, and a Xanax. Omg then she brings up the time she didn't know what an adjective was and that she told him she had been running and is now at the finish line. My friend texted me immediately "Even at her lowest she can't let that metaphor go." Hahahahaha.


Ok, things are getting really bad. Brooks has basically been silent for the past 10 minutes and Des says that she loves him anyways and doesn't care that he broke her heart, she still loves him and will say it. Omg Des, stop talking, get up and walk away. Have some shots with Chris Harrison and hook up with someone else. It can be anyone, just not Drew - that’s the last thing you need right now.


Umm - did they add in those heartbeat sounds? And Brooks, stop hugging her! Oh god now they are both crying. Lets just go ahead and keep in mind that this was a 6 week long relationship. I’m not trying to condescend your feelings because I know they feel real but seriously, everyone relax.


I'll say it one more time - STOP HUGGING.



They finally part ways and Des walks down the dock to sit and cry at the end of it. My roommate says how funny would it be if she just walked straight off. Hahahaha - now THAT would be the most dramatic finale of all time.


This is such a bummer I’m going to have to watch Mean Girls after this to cheer myself up again.

Des says it’s over for her because there is no way she can love the two other men as much as they deserve. Wow then why the FUCK is next week’s episode 3 hours? Only one way to find out - see you then!



Thursday, July 25, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree - Men Tell All About Stuff We Already Knew

This week it’s The Men Tell All and I bet you can cut the estrogen with a knife in the studio (and not because the audience is 99% female). I was really excited for this week since the Men Tell All is usually only one hour, but the producers decided to destroy all of our lives and make it two. This is some bullshit, fuck you Chris Harrison, I’m getting drunk.

CH finally shows up and redeems himself by thanking Bachelor Nation. Wait - did I not come up with that name? Anyways he thinks that we care about watching strangers watch the Bachelorette so we have to follow him and Des riding around ruining people’s nights. If they showed up at my viewing party I would make Des wait outside while CH and I ripped shots and talked about how much she sucks.

The adventures of Puppet Master and Kid Mouth begin with them just standing outside the window like a couple of creeps and scaring the bejesus out of the group inside. I would also like to note that these people clearly knew they were coming because the girls are dressed up with perfect hair and makeup and there are a bunch of dudes there. A real Bachelorette viewing party is all girls in sweatshirts with red wine teeth, so this was surely planned. Umm they also have “Bachelorette Gurlz Nightz” written on the chalk wall behind them. Die.

Next they go to NYC and Ashley and JP show up! Haha they are ALWAYS showing up for these kinds of things - are they really the best the producers can do? It must be because they are the only couple still together besides Trista and Ryan who are probably in nursing homes by now.

As I wrote that Jason and Molly show up. Really scraping the barrel here. Omg and Trista is there! Hope her depends hold up for the night.

Omg...the last viewing party they go to is on a party bus! I take back everything I said before about these parties being stupid. I was just jealous! How do I get invited onto this bus?? If someone who belongs to that amazing looking club is reading this, please please please send me a message. I will pay money to get on that party bus I swear to god.

Next Des sits down with Emily, Ashley and Ali for advice on how to deal with “bad boys”. Sweet, I love me some Ali Fedotowsky! So much so that I spelled that right without looking it up. But please don’t listen to any tips Ashley gives you about bad boys - she basically let Bentley take a shit on her face for ¾ of her season. Um, well luckily the girls basically give her no advice.

Girl, I love you but you need a toner. Your hair is the same color as Kelly Osbourne's.

Now it’s time for the good part (hopefully) - men chattin’ like ladies!

They introduce all the guys and James and Ben get booed - haha Bachelor Nation shows no mercy! And also has ridiculous reasons for hating people. If I were there I would stand on my chair and boo for Michael and Kasey - the true douchebags and villains of this season.

The audience is filled with girls wearing I Heart Juan Pablo t-shirts and the girls scream like crazy when Chris Harrison mentions him. Whoa, back off bitches before I go Tierra on your asses. He is MINE.

Te ves tan guapo en verde mi amor. Vamos a tener bebes. Ahora.

Zak has clearly dealt with his heartbreak by tanning.

The producers realize that we are onto Des and her kid mouth and try to convince us otherwise by having a segment in which all the guys tell the cameras how hot she is. Like we are going to suddenly think she’s cool because Crosseyed Mikey wants to bang her. So stupid.

Then they recap the whole season for us. Is this necessary??

My man Jonathan gets some screen time! You will remember him from the first night as the guy that made a homemade rape den and got sent home first before the rose ceremony. He was a blast in a glass and I’m happy he got a chance to redeem himself with the masses. Apparently it was just a joke gone horribly wrong, most likely because he was hammered. He’s actually funny and nice and if the producers had any sense of humor they would make him the next bachelor. What a gem.

Brian who had the secret crazy-eyes girlfriend didn't show up! Well that’s understandable, he probably had to stay home to make sure she went to work 2 jobs to financially support herself. Or else he will murder her. But seriously, that’s annoying - they should make the Men Tell All mandatory if you are in the cast.

Butterfly Brandon talks about how you don't hurt a woman’s feelings ever and the dork moms in the audience basically throw their Hanes Her Ways at him.

It’s Ben’s turn in the hot seat and everyone pretty much tears him apart. He is definitely a secret scum bag and would have done something sketchy eventually, but I really don’t think he did anything bad on the show unless it’s a crime to be romantically aggressive. Wait...whoa. Dan, a guy I barely remember, drops the bomb that he met Ben’s baby mama in Vegas and she said that he had his kid by cheating on his girlfriend at the time. And that he only requested custody before going on the show. I can see that - he definitely looks like a sociopath. But cut the guy some slack - this all probably stems from his childhood trauma of seeing dead people.

The guys take all this Ben talk as a chance to remind us that Juan Pablo is also a father. Boooo.

Next it’s James’ turn to sweat profusely in the hot seat and I have a feeling a few of my brain cells are going to suffer listening to this conversation. He tells the story about beautiful successful women and intimate settings that we've heard 500 times now. This is so ridiculous. Then we have to hear the whole thing again from Mikey who I seriously thought was James for the first 30 seconds of this segment. I don't know whats wrong with me that I never realized how much Mikey and James look alike. Apparently Chicago is full of tall beautiful women and short square men.

Has anyone else noticed that in all these fights Michael is heavily involved? He is hands-down the biggest douche of the season and no one is calling him out! My blood is boiling just looking at his stupid diabetes face in the corner of my screen. Then pussy Kasey joins in and I think I might flip out. Guess what Kasey, no one cares about the opinion of someone wearing a tie and sports jacket with jeans. I hate him so much and don't understand why he thinks he should have a say about any of this. I think he's just jealous Mikey and James didn't invite him on boats to intimate settings.

Haha, Kasey brought up James’ amazing comment to Michael about him jacking off when the cameras aren't on, just in case we forgot. I’m sure Michael appreciated that reminder.

Whoa Chris Harrison, please don't act like you actually care if James was there for the right reasons. You're just trying to get through this couple hours so you can get crunk and gang bang the ladies in this audience. Lets keep it real.

Yay now it’s time for Juan Pablo in the spotlight! CH says that no one has ever made such a big impression with such little screen time and you can tell an editor is going to lose their job over this. Big mistake. Huge. He is so effing cute I can’t stand it and I love how even his daughter knows that Des is the worst because she can’t pronounce Juan Pablo right. Overall he seems really nice and normal and if he’s not the next Bachelor I will lose my mind. I know I’m not alone since they show the tape of him getting sent home and there are women crying their eyes out. Seriously.

This audience needs their own show.


Ugh now it's Zak time. Juan Pablo is a hard act to follow for any guy, but especially Zak, who's still recovering from getting his wisdom teeth out. He just talks about how it’s lonely on the rig and he wants to be married and have a family and it’s super depressing. Then as if it couldn't get worse, Puppet Master makes us listen to him reading a poem from his super secret ghost writer diary written in invisible ink. I need to leave the room for a minute to wrap my head around how severely embarrassing and pathetic that segment was.

Then the only thing worse than Zak comes out. Des. She is wearing a short sparkly dress - shocking. They open by talking about the “bad boys” segment and Des makes a Cops reference and laughs hysterically at her own joke. She is the worst.

Des confronts James and says that he shouldn't have said anything about dating people since he was in a relationship with her. Whaaaa?! James says "no i wasn't, i was in a relationship with 25 other guys." I 100% agree with him, am I alone on that? This whole situation is batshit.

I don’t like Des speaking Spanish to Juan Pablo. She is embarrassing me.

Zak is officially the color of an oompa-loompa and OMG he’s going to sing a fucking song. I am horrified. I regret ever saying he was my favorite, now I just think he really wants to be a Country star. This is actually pretty rude of him to do and Des is kind of doing him a favor by allowing it. Ok it’s over...well at least it was short. CH asks Des how she feels about the song and it looks like she couldn't bring her “what to say” flashcards because she starts just throwing out phrases clearly stolen from browsing the sympathy section at Hallmark. “I hope you find peace” what the fuck?  


YES BLOOPERS! Let me remind everyone that besides red wine, bloopers are my favorite thing on the planet. This part of the season almost makes up for Des being the Bachelorette. ALMOST.

So I shouldn't have been so excited - all the bloopers show us is that they are basically all very clumsy and whoever was their set designer was super dumb and/or lazy because things were falling apart and catching on fire left and right.

I love how Chris Harrison is about to show us clips from the two part season finale and he has to preface it with “The most dramatic season finale ever...I know I've said that before but this time I mean it.” Oh CH, I know I shouldn't believe you but it hurts so good!

See you next week!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode Eight - Mascots and Chiropractors and Duggars, Oh My!

Greetings!


It’s the week we have all been waiting for - Hometown Dates! I am so excited, but also saddened that this is the one episode of the season that doesn’t start out with Chris Harrison. I miss ya buddy.



Zak’s House


We start off in Dallas with Zak, who waits for Des while he is drawing in a gazebo. Ugh, he looks like a pussy with that sketch book. I can’t get over it until Des shows up and steals the hate thunder by wearing a cropped teal leather jacket with matching stud earrings and eyeshadow.


Zak starts telling Des about a dream he had about them and he seriously sounds special. Something about sand melting and then eating it? Wtf? Also, there is nothing more annoying than having someone tell you about their dream. It didn’t really happen and therefore no one cares. It’s even more annoying when that person is as enthusiastic about their lame dream as Zak is. You better pull it together Zak or my new favorite is going to be Poetry Chris. I can’t believe I just said that. I hate this season.


Zak tells Des he will be right back and runs off, including a jump over a fence that is so amazing I had to videotape it for you:





Zak don’t worry you're still on my good side you crazy acrobat.


So anyways, Zak comes back driving a snow cone machine. What? His family owns a snow cone business? Was this supposed to tie into the melted sand dream? Are there a bunch of kids running up to this? How did he get all those kids’ parents to agree to this? Is he making Des work out of a food truck now? Is Zak dressed up in a penguin mascot costume? Did Des really just kiss him with that on? Is Chris officially my new favorite? Am I really drunk right now? So many questions. All of the answers are yes.

Apparently me and Billy Madison have a lot in common.


Next they close up the snow cone shop and roll up to his parents house where we meet Zak’s family and now I get where his “specialness” comes from. I’m pretty sure this whole crew is on about one pound of cocaine each, mixed with prozac and fairy dust. Jesus Christ just watching these people makes me tired.


Zak’s mom looks like if the mom from Home Improvement and Lynn Spears had a baby in the bathroom at prom. Lady is cray. However, Zak’s dad is a silver fox and his brother and sister are both hot, so clearly Zak got his Quasimodo looks from his mom. Or as my roommate so perfectly said - “Zak’s face looks like someone threw a bag of teeth into his mouth.” Hahaha. Aww poor guy.


Des appears to be drinking a dark and stormy out of a red wine glass. Classy. She sits down with Zak’s sister Carly which isn't notable except for the fact that she has a mannequin in her room styled in a white silk camisole, pink jacket, and faux fur vest. Congratulations Carly on your acceptance to the University of Phoenix fashion program!


Uh oh...Zak just whipped out a guitar and they’re going to do a family sing along! NOOOO. End this date NOW. I am so uncomfortable I can’t watch. Imagine dating someone and the first time you meet his family his siblings sing at you. Des of course cries and eats this shit up with a snow cone spoon, that psycho.


Finally Zak and Des sit in the backyard and I can’t help but notice a cauldron in the background. Zak tells her he has something to give to her, then whips out a diamond ring and tells her he loves her. Gross. Des doesn’t seem too enthused so things aren’t looking good for Penguin Zak.



Drew’s House


Next we visit Drew in Scottsdale and this entire date was just too much for me. Drew is just like, 100% homosexual. There is no doubt about it and it’s actually just sad that he's in such denial. Just be gay, Drew! You are hot and really sweet and could have any guy you want. Live your life, girl!


Some highlights:


- Des arrives wearing a shirt the same color as thick old lady stockings and Drew tells her she looks “adorable”


- Drew tells his family about how he felt the moment he met Desiree and says he was stammering and nervous since she was wearing such a beautiful dress.


- He tells Des he loves her and it is the least romantic thing I have ever seen. Its exactly how I drunkenly say I love you to my best friends. “Omg, I just love you soo much! Its like crazy how much I love you. I never get sick of you! Want to lay in my bed and order food and watch a Lifetime Movie Marathon?” The last sentence he didn't say but he was thinking it.




Chris’ House


Next we head to McMinnville, Oregon to hang with Chris. He waits for Des while picking wildflowers in a forest. Kill me now. Des shows up wearing a tank top and cardigan that are the same length - Jesus Christ, stop it Des! That looks stupid and it’s the 2nd time this episode you've pulled that shit! And what the fuck do you have on your feet?? Did Bratz doll Jackie leave behind some sketchers swag when she came to visit? They look like dinner rolls. You have a stylist and a clothing allowance! Gahhhh!!!!


So anyways. First they head to a baseball diamond where Chris makes Des play catch and it’s super boring. Then apparently Desiree gets confused about who goes with what lame shtick because she whips out a sketch pad where she has a bunch of crappy drawings chronicling their time together. Hello? Zak is sketch pads, Chris is poetry. It can’t be that hard to keep straight. P.S. her drawings are horrifically bad.

You spelled "rendezvous" wrong, Des. Fucking idiot.


The best part about being on the Bachelorette is not having to clean up after your picnics.


They go to Chris’s house and meet his fam. Des tells a story about jumping into the ocean and hurting her back, so Chris’ dad thinks that since he’s a chiropractor it would be completely normal to wrap his meat hook hands all over Des in his creepy dungeon office. He even puts on a white doctor’s coat for the occasion and I am getting some serious beginning of the Hand That Rocks The Cradle vibes. Good thing they have that camera crew there. Then Chris thinks that it’s a good time to have a heart to heart with his dad while he jams balloons up Chris’ nose for a “nose adjustment” while we have to watch his face covered in boogers. While they super casually talk about his feelings for Des. Disgusting. That’s something you can’t unsee.


Chris’ mom took the day off from being an extra on Designing Women to sit down and get to know Des. She doesn't seem too into the whole process and gives Des a little bit of a hard time which is nice to see.


Chris’ sister is busta busted and also kind of a bitch.


I really miss Chris Harrison right now. Where is he? I bet he’s whoring around LA having a blast while we have to watch this bullshit.  The rest of this date is so boring it’s not worth recapping except that Chris tells Des that he loves her. Blech.



Brooks’ House


Next we go to Utah to see Brooks’ hometown of Salt Lake City. Brooks is wearing cropped tight jeans and I throw up in my mouth. They have a picnic in the park and crack open a bottle of wine, which I’m pretty sure is a big no-no in Utah. Reasons why I could never visit Utah: 1) Brooks 2) not pro alcohol.*


*Exception and reason I would visit Utah: Jef Holm.


Brooks is telling Des that right now he likes her, but he’s concerned since he doesn’t have more time to get to know her. What a mature and realistic point of view. Fineeee, Brooks gets ONE point.


OMG Des has written out all of her favorite moments with Brooks which is super lame to begin with, but even more so since the list has been folded into a rose, Jr High note style. She even starts writing in the corner so all the words form a triangle. Seriously Des? Act your age not your mouth. One of the memories on the list is when Brooks broke his finger because he was “so adorable” even though he was in so much pain. I wouldn't exactly call a grown man passing out from pain and having to be hooked up to an oxygen tank from a broken finger “adorable.” I would call it something more like “manhood stripping pathetic,” but it’s pretty obvious by now that Des and I don't see eye to eye on most things.


Of course like 10 of these memories are about the fucking clouds.


Next they abandon the picnic to go to Brooks’ house where we find out he is a Duggar. He has like 18 siblings and all of them are wearing nametags! They give her a huge group hug which looks fun on tv but was probably horrible for Des in real life. I thought this date would be exciting but nothing else really happens except that Brooks wears a fucking cardigan and lies to his mom about liking Desiree.



Back in LA...


Those hometowns were very disappointing. Luckily it’s time for Des’ brother / professional life ruiner Nate to stop by. Yessss!!! He’s the only man I’ve seen in the past 2 hours.


Des and Nate talk about the best day of my life when Nate met Sean Lowe and destroyed his sister’s chance at albino prank love. Nate has no regrets about it - haha this loose cannon could steal the show! Listening to Nate talk, I keep expecting Dan and Roseanne Connor to jump up from behind the couch. He is super classy.

You could cut the tension with a knife. Like the one in Nate's sock.
Or the one in his back pocket, or the one in his hand right now.


Whoaaa, Nate’s fingernails are unnacceptable.


Their meeting is comically short and you can tell Des hates / is terrified of him and the producers made this interaction happen. Her brother sounds like someone handed him an index card with what to say on it. Which was pointless since obviously Nate can’t read. Just kidding Nate please don’t kill me.



Chris Harrison Time!


Des put on a sassy sequined dress from Charlotte Russe to sit down with Puppet Master and talk about the hometowns. She says that she wants Brooks or Chris to propose. Brooks is the only one that hasnt said he loves her so my prediction of Chris winning is lookin good!


CH meets the guys at the hotel and walks them to the rose ceremony. It’s a weird segment that they don’t usually show and I am confused until we see little Nate murderously lurking behind a pillar in the lobby! What a gem. I knew he was trouble when he walked in...



Rose Ceremony


This will take us down to 3 which means next week will be fantasy suite time! Even though Zak is ridiculous I hope she lets Drew go so he can spread his butterfly wings all over some dick. And the roses go to...


Brooks
Chris
Drew!


What is WRONG with Des’ gaydar?! This is crazy. Poor Zak is the only one that I think really liked her! Now he has to take back his cubic zirconia promise ring and head home alone to drown his sorrows in spray tans and snow cones. See ya on the Pad, brotha.

Oooo next week is the Men Tell All! We get to see Juan Pablo again! Estoy tan emocionada de ver a continuaciĆ³n! Adios!